Daniel’s Critical Corner

August 14, 2008

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “The X-Files: I Want To Believe”

Filed under: Film, Reviews — Daniel's Critical Corner @ 7:25 am
Tags: , ,

 xfilesmoviepic2[2] by you.
Matthew McConaughey Did What With A Placenta ? 

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s Investigation:  The X-Files:
I Want To Believe

As the sun reflected in her dewy eyes, the beautiful woman
with the auburn hair looked longingly out the window.  Ever
patient, she tried to quell the deep aching in her heart.  Soon
he would come.  Her wet, thirsty desires quenched. 

They always came.  She was not to be denied.  The Cable Guy,
The Plumber, The TV Repairman, and yes, even the Postman. 
  He never had to ring twice.  (The key was left under the mat).  
And then there was the pool boy…  The NAUGHTY pool boy.
 Felipe.  He didn’t speak English but they both spoke the
language of love.

And now, there was the FBI agent.  Rugged.  Rough.  He
didn’t play by the rules, not like the others.  And this drove 
her insane.  Could she break him ?  Only time would tell…
Then a sound…  A car pulling into the driveway.  He had
arrived.   

Soon, forbidden passion would become a reality.  She could 
see his silhouette against the setting sun.  A man, standing
proud and sure.  The man she desired, the man who desired 
her.  He doesn’t knock.  He doesn’t use the key.  He kicks
 down the door, and within moments rips his shirt off.  He is 
    older than she.  Mature.  Knowledgeable.  Ready to teach her   
things…  Ready to tell her…

“Scully, we have a new case.  Get in the car, let’s go” !

What the heck ?  I can’t tell you how disappointed I was when 
this dude said that ! I thought this film was “X-Rated”.  Boy,  
was I in for a surprise.  Everyone in this movie has the acting
talent of a vegetable.  Talk about “soft corn” !!!  And the only
boob we get to see is in the form of David Duchovny. 
(Granted, he is quite supple) !  

David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are back once again   
as “Mold” and “Scrubby”,  trying to recapture some of the  
magic from the long dead “X-Files” series.  And let me tell 
you, they should have left well enough alone !  Anderson is 
starting to look like a cross between Jodie Foster and Margot 
Kidder…  Not the SEXY “Superman” Margot Kidder mind you, 
but the Margot Kidder of TODAY.  Duchovny has held up well, 
probably because he sold his soul to the devil in the third 
season.

 

 1528464983_76fae9857c[1].jpg_v=0 by you.

^ Margot Kidder: Then

 

pic[1].php_u=20822BEecP&i=712957 by you.

^ Margot Kidder: Now

 

At any rate, these two are flushed out of retirement and
into each others arms to crack yet another mysterious case. 
An FBI agent is missing, and women are turning up dead in a
snowy West Virginia town.  The only person who may be   
able to help them is an old priest who has done time for
child molesting.

This priest is really a creep, and to be honest he looks like a
character out of a really bad Stephen King movie.  One of the 
made-for-TV stinkers.  His hair is really lame and he runs like
Forrest Gump.

Well, he has “visions”.  He says there are two men responsible
for the murders.  The same men have kidnapped the FBI agent
who went missing.  Whenever the priest has a premonition, his
eyes bleed.  (My eyes did the same thing while watching this
awful flick).

There is indeed a shroud of mystery in “The X-Files: I Want
To Believe”.  What monster is behind the grizzly trail of body
parts being left to taunt the FBI ?  What vile creature could be
so callus ?  Aliens probably.  No.  I wish.  Warning:  Here are 
the spoilers…  The terrifying “evil” plaguing our heroes is  
none other than…

Homosexuals that got married in Massachusetts !  AAAAHHHH !

No.  I’m not one of those crazy “ballot people” from California. 
I’m telling you the truth.  It’s out there.  The “X-File’s” movie 
monsters are a legally married gay couple from Massachusetts.  
That’s not very “PC”.  I felt like reporting this movie to “La Bamba”
(or whatever they’re called). Or “Daddies Against Discrimination”. 
Or even  “The Rainbow Connection”.   

OK.  We are already going downhill here, but let’s not stop until 
we hit rock bottom.  The couple seems to have been turned to
the “dark side” because they were molested by the psychic 
priest as children.

Since they are gay, of course, these guys really want to be WOMEN. 
Whatever.  One of them is a brilliant scientist or something, and he  
creates a two-headed dog !!!  Suddenly, while looking at his strange 
“double dogger”,  he gets the BRIGHT idea to surgically put his head
on a woman’s body.  He tries, to some success.  But (giggle), the  
bodies keep rejecting his noggin ! So, if at first you don’t succeed,
die, die again.   

All the while this is going on, we have to suffer through our heroes
trying to rekindle their romance, Duchovny going on and on about
his long lost sister, and a heated banter about stem cell research.

 

x_files_main[2] by you.
Be Honest…  Do I Sort Of Look Like “Han Solo”  ? 

 

When we finally get to the climax, it’s hard to keep a straight face ! 
I wanted to laugh as “The Bride Of Dragenstein” comes off the slab.  
We have a wrinkled guy’s head on a sewn together woman’s body, 
sporting a truly impressive manicure (and painted nails). Then, the    
ugly thing lunges at the camera in a typical “scare” moment.  Don’t
get me wrong, I’m glad to see Cher back on the big screen but this
is just ridiculous.

This flick is such an affront to anyone with good taste.  The 
leads are obviously all bored, it’s ultra-low budget and they
actually turn the molester into some sort of glorified “hero” at
  the end.  He does however, drop dead.  Turns out he had lung  
cancer.  This character doesn’t cough even once, and he runs 
through the snow on more than one occasion like an Olympic
 Athlete.  Then BOOM.  Dead.  A heart attack would have made
 sense…  But this film isn’t about sense.

It’s about “Friends of Dorothy” Devising Diabolical
Decapitations !!!

There is one clever moment in the entire movie, (when they  
show a picture of George W. Bush and play the “X-Files” theme
music).  But after that, clever goes out the window, and in    
crawls the sex change patient from HELL.  No, I’m not talking 
about Nancy Pelosi.  LOL !!!  Ugh…  From what I’ve heard, the  
sequel isn’t going to be much better… 

Desiring to know what it feels like to “win”, Hillary Clinton tries
to get her head put on Brett Favre.  But this is done legally, and
money changes hands.  Hillary gives Brett a crisp new dollar bill
(for a 75 cent operation),  just so she can get a quaterback. 

“I Want To Believe”?  Hmmmph.  More like I want to throw up.

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “2.5″ out of “10″

 

 

August 4, 2008

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor”

Filed under: Film, Reviews — Daniel's Critical Corner @ 7:15 am

3[1] by you.
This Is Just Tomb Much !

 ~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Unearthed Today:  The Mummy: Tomb of the
Dragon Emperor

Imagine if you will, a tomb.  Buried for centuries…  Now, Imagine darkness.
A darkness so bleak that it would terrify even the blind… A darkness, so
vast, that it is known only to the dead.  And then, imagine silence…

 Deep within the forgotten chambers, lies an empty vessel.  Once a man, now
a crumbling shell…  Abandoned centuries ago by even the maggots that used
to delight in feasting on its moist, rotting flesh. 

But then, into the darkness comes light.  Someone has stumbled upon this
ancient resting place.  Someone has spoken the words that will revive the now 
soulless silhouette of what used to be a human being.  Dried up lungs, devoid   
of air for an eternity, start to breathe again.  The creature (long silent), that  
used to laugh and sing of love, now tries to utter vengeful whispers through
cracked lips and breath riddled with dust. 

IT LIVES !  IT WALKS AGAIN !  Reaching out, looking for someone’s throat, 
(so that it may strangle them with skeletal fingers misshapen into claws)…  
Bringing about an eternity of anguish for whoever dares cross its vile path !

  OK, enough about Harrison Ford in “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the
Crystal Skull”.  Let’s start talking about the brand new “Mummy” movie !!! 

Darn it.  I had some great puns lined up for all of you today.  Such as “Who
would have figured Jet Li to be a wrap star” ? Or, “That’s a wrap” !  But,  
(much to my dismay), this movie is all crap and NO wrap.  What we have 
here is a “mummy-free” mummy movie.  Yep.  Not a single Ace Bandage to 
be found !!!  I’ve got no choice but to entertain everyone with jokes about 
pottery, and not of the “Harry” variety. 

What were they thinking ?  A mummy without bandages is like having a
werewolf without fur !  Dracula without fangs!  Amy Winehouse without
crack !  It just doesn’t WORK !

“The Mummy:  Tomb of the Dragon Emperor”, is the highly unanticipated
sequel to “The Mummy” and “The Mummy Returns”.  Brendan Fraser once
more portrays Rick O’Connell,  looking fresh as ever, ready to do battle 
again with icky undead entities.  His wife Evie is also on board, but this 
time Rachel Weisz has been replaced by Maria Bello.  No big deal there.

 

18838447[1] by you.
The New “Mummy Dearest”

 

  Rick and Evie find out that their son Alex (now an adult) has found an
ancient tomb in China.  But things start to escalate after they excavate.  
Alex, as it seems, just discovered the Pottery Barn FROM HELL.  One of 
China’s most feared Monarchs, “The Dragon Emperor” (Jet Li) is buried 
there, alongside his soldiers. They are all encased in terra cotta.  And,
according to this movie, that qualifies them to be mummies.  A far cry 
from the original bandaged beast, “Imhotep” !   

An ancient spell stirred up by double-crossing bad guys brings the evil 
terra cotta ruler and his minions to life, then they run amok.  Fortunately,  
these creatures are just made of clay, hence easy to break.  I’m thinking,  
what’s the big deal ?  So some overgrown “flower pots” with spears are
terrorizing the town.  No worries.  Ha !  Was I wrong.  It turns out, if they
go past the Great Wall of China, they become IMMORTAL and, therefore,
INDESTRUCTIBLE.  Of course…  Makes sense to me !  Plus, the demonic
Emperor Han (should’ve called him “Ham” with all of the overacting) does
not stay stoned through the entire film…  He is a mover and a shaper,
turning himself into a three-headed dragon !!! 

Sheesh.  Who comes up with this stuff ?  Well, the hapless O’Connell
family get help from an immortal ninja princess and her mother, a
good witch. Ever resourceful, this band of heroes builds an army of  
their own, out of skeleton soldiers and funny looking Yetis.  Yep. 
Abnormal Snowmen.  Talk about Abominable ! 

The “special” effects in this movie are pretty lame.  They would have
even been considered lame thirty years ago.  When we actually get to 
see Jet Li’s horrible face of terror (his plaster mask breaks off), it looks 
like someone raided the set of “Creepshow” or stole the “Crypt Keeper”
puppet.  I guess it really hurts being entombed in pottery for a couple
thousand years.  A dreadful condition known as Clay Achin’ ! 

 

mummy-3-jet-li[2] by you.
Get Your Tickets To “Riverdance” Today ! 

 

 One of the biggest distractions I found was that the entire movie had
a “claustrophobic” feel to it.  You just KNOW this flick was filmed on
some soundstage or small backlot, almost every step of the way.  With
perhaps a couple of exceptions,  I kept waiting for the edge of the    
green screen to show up ! 

But the “Inconsistency of the Year Award” goes to the character of
General Ming.  At the beginning of the story, it is implied that he is
torn apart from limb to limb.  Left to right.  Front to back. From sea
to shining sea.  EVERY appendage this guy has is tied to a different
horse.  Heck, I think they actually ADDED a couple of appendages
for affect !  And, of course the horses run in every direction (like 
this movie).  When he comes back from the dead, he is only
missing an arm.  Go figure. 

Also, Brendan Fraser is only 39 years old, and yet his son is played by 
Luke Ford, (age 27). That’s just freaky.  I’m willing to buy into illusion
somewhat, but c’mon now.  Would it have killed them to get an actual 
teenager to fill the son’s shoes ?  I guess it could have been worse…    
They originally had Mickey Rooney slated for the role, but he couldn’t
find his teeth.

If anything, this movie provides a nice little chaser for “The Dark Knight”.  
At least its heart is in the right place (a jar).  Nothing wrong with harmless
fluff.  The newspaper says that “The Dark Knight” made this movie number
two over the weekend !  Now THERE is an understatement !  LOL !  “Tomb
of the Dragon Emperor” is almost watchable as a guilty pleasure, but I’d
still wait for it as a rental.  You shouldn’t have to spend ten dollars on a
  movie that looks like it only cost about five to make.

Let’s lay this series to rest.  No need for it to “drag on” any further !

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “6″ out of “10″

 

 

July 20, 2008

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “The Dark Knight”

Filed under: Film, Reviews — Daniel's Critical Corner @ 6:02 pm

  
Hi Bob !  Sorry I’m late for shooting practice…

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today I’m Going Batty Over:  The Dark Knight

WOW !  It is FINALLY here.  The weekend we have ALL been waiting for !!! 
After months and months of anticipation, one of the biggest events in
 cinematic history is being unveild before the world’s hungry eyes !  Yes 
folks,  you can now stop marking the days off your calender.  My review 
    for “The Dark Knight” has arrived !!!

I know some of you are sitting at home, dressed up as either Batman or
The Joker, reading this review as you bang away on your laptops.  That’s OK. 
I’m used to people in funny outfits checking my stuff out…  As long as you
keep sending me pictures it’s totally cool.  *(Note to the guy that dresses like
“Elektra”:  I’m flattered but PLEASE get a waxing before trying to pull that
look off again).

So here we are.  “The Dark Knight”.  Hailed as one of the greatest
superhero movies of all time…  But does it stand up to the hype ?  The
answer is, surprisingly, YES !  Is it the best ever ?  That’s certainly
debatable.  Some people would say so…  I’d be inclined to say it’s at
least in the top five, (with the innovative “Iron Man” still on the
throne in my book).

It’s appropriate that the new “Batman” film has brought everything full
circle so to speak.  Tim Burton’s 1989 vision really was the prototype
for this genre as we know it.  Until that point, the only superhero to
be successfully brought to the big screen was “Superman”.  Thanks to
Mr. Burton, we learned that classic comic books could be given a
contemporary spin, and that opened the flood gates. There has been
no turning back. 

I’ve been a fan of Batman through ALL of his incarnations.  From the
campy tights-wearing version of the 1960’s, to the ultra-emo version
of today.   But really, no one goes to these films to see Batman himself.
As superheros go, he is a total bore.  We show up for THE VILLAINS.   
Yep.  Nobody can boast a more exciting lineup.

What does Superman have ?  Lex Luthor ?  Every single movie, Superman
has to battle some bald dude.  Big whoop.  Spider-Man has a little variety,
but his bad guys are just never that deep.  But Batman…  His foes always
have flair, and they are generally driven by something deep and sinister.

The Penguin, The Riddler, Catwoman and The Joker are arguably the
most famous comic book baddies to ever grace the big screen, and
we have Batman to thank for each and every one of them.  They are 
known for having a good time,  while our hero sits in a dark corner 
and broods.  Will someone call Dr. Phil for that guy ?  He has issues. 
I know his parents were killed, but this fellow needs to get over it !

He is just so DEPRESSED.  Even with all that money.  Go figure…  And for
someone suffering with depression he actually gets around pretty well.  If I 
were sad all the time, the LAST thing I would want to do would be to prance
around in a funny costume and then run around town fighting people.  I’d be 
more like the lady in that antidepressant commercial.  You know the one… 
She’s lying on a sofa, and her dog comes up with a ball…  She just sort of 
waves her hand at the perplexed pup in a “go away” gesture and then a   
 voice comes out of nowhere and says “Depression Hurts”.  Yep.  If I were 
a gloomy Gus I’d really want to take a long nap too.  Can you imagine if 
that woman just jumped off of the sofa, and then ran out the front door 
 wearing a cape ?  Boy, would her dog be pissed.

Our friend Bruce Wayne doesn’t seem to let the blues slow him down.  In this
new movie, we find Bruce (Played by Christian Bale) deep and introspective    
as usual.  Gotham City is finding crime on the decline, thanks to his alter
ego’s heroic actions.  An honest politician by the name of Harvey Dent
(Aaron Eckhart) is the new DA in office, and he is also causing criminals  
to be weary of their evil deeds. 

Enter “The Joker”.  A total schizophrenic nut, played with unrestrained glee by
the late Heath Ledger.  Now HERE is a nemesis none of us will soon forget.  Of
course, people are saying because he died just after filming this picture that it
 really gives his performance an “edge”.  Hmmmph.  Dead Schmead.  He would
have been considered a genius no matter what.  His Joker is THAT good.

 


Be Honest…  Is My Mascara Running ?

 

Now, this movie is very DARK.  And there are so many characters, and so many
subplots, and plots within plots, and plots about plots that it’s hard to give “The 
Dark Knight” an in-depth synopsis.  But I will try to sum it up the best that I can.
 It sounds like a mess, but it all works on EVERY level !  From awesome directing
to great acting, this is one helluva ride (and Hans Zimmer has outdone himself 
with an intense soundtrack) !!!

The Joker wants to prove to the world that anyone and everyone is corruptible.
He tries to get the mob to turn on themselves, and he tries to get Harvey Dent
and Batman to turn evil.  He actually succeeds with Dent, as a horrible tragedy
disfigures him and he becomes the monster known as “Two-Face”.  

An all-star cast adds class to this brilliant morality play, as Morgan Freeman,
Gary Oldman, Michael Caine, Cillian Murphy and Maggie Gyllenhaal all do their
thing to perfection.  But Heath Ledger steals the show…  It would be nice to  
see him get an Oscar nod for this.  Not just to honor his legacy, but for the 
sake of recognizing a very popular genre that’s often overlooked at The
Academy Awards.  When will those folks start singing the praises of films 
people actually LIKE ?

No Country For Old Men ?  It’s more like No Trophies For Good Movies. 
LOL !!!

 


And THIS is for laughing through “Brokeback Mountain” !

 

Oscar or no Oscar, at least the “Batman” franchise shows us that
rubber nipples RULE.  They’re not just for babies anymore ! 

*Warning: The following two paragraphs contain PLOT SPOILERS !

**********

My only gripe:  I appreciate this film being “darker” per se, but they
actually kill off Batman’s love interest from the first film, Rachel Dawes. 
She’s tied to a chair rigged with a bomb…  And then BOOM !    That’s 
just a cop-out if you ask me.  To make this film gloomier, I guess director
Christopher Nolan felt it was necessary.  I’m really tired of that cliche.  
Soooo many films try to pull that trick these days.  If a sequel is to be
darker, they just HAVE to kill the guy’s girlfriend from the first movie. 
“Revenge of the Sith”, “Quantum of Solace” and “The Bourne Supremacy” 
all come to mind.  I guess loosing the woman they love makes em’
extra tough.  The body count is also rising in the “Harry Potter” films.
Awww… C’mon now.  Why so serious ?

Let’s not kill off any more characters we have invested in please.
Besides, I’m old school.  Superheros are supposed to save the girl. 
if they can’t, what good are they ?  Takes the fun out of it…  I hope 
the “Iron Man” sequel doesn’t boast being “darker”.  If that’s the case,
Gwyneth Paltrow is DOOMED !  Now, in comic book movies, no one
ever really seems to stay deceased.  So maybe Rachel will come back ?
She did get her ass blown off, but perhaps she will return as the evil 
“Half-Cheek”.  Or maybe “Burn-Boob”.  Or “Sizzlean”.

*********

Regardless of who lives or dies, this movie really is an achievement of
sorts.  Plus, I just love Batman’s voice…  Listen real close.  He kind of
sounds like a cross between Marlon Brando’s “Godfather” and the little
boy that gets shrunk in the original “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate
Factory”.  You remember Mike Teevee ?  Just a hint of a lisp ?  LOL ! 

Despite having a foul scowl behind his cowl, “The Dark Knight” shines !

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “9″ out of “10″

    

 

July 7, 2008

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Wanted”

Filed under: Reviews — Daniel's Critical Corner @ 8:00 pm
Tags: , ,


No, The Pregnancy Has NOT Made Me MOODY !
                                                        

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today:  If I Wanted To See “The Matrix”
I Would Have Rented It !

Dear readers, I fear the end is near.  I must type this quickly, so forgive
me for any misspellings or errors.  I think they’ve found me…  I can hear
them all outside…  Chanting my name…  Calling for my blood !  How did
they find out where I live ?  How do they know I’m in here ?  Might be the
glow from my computer screen…  But the truth MUST be told.  You see,
I’m one of the only critics on the planet that DIDN’T like “Wanted”. 

  Oh my GOD !  What was that ?  They just tossed a grenade in my window !!! 
Hold on…  TAKE THAT YOU CRITIC FREAKS !!!  Ha !  I tossed it back at em’ ! 
Ugh, I missed and hit my neighbor’s poodle.  Shame.  Hasta la vista, Fifi.   
Look at them out there !  They have torches…  Pitchforks…  Some of them are
actually wearing scarves…  What is that woman holding ?  Is that a chicken ? 
Oh come on !   AAAAAA !  There’s a red dot on my forehead !  This is it !!! 
I’m done for !  Tell my Mom I love her, and I forgive her for liking
“Van Helsing” !

They pulled the trigger !  My head shall be blown off !  The bullet is crashing
through the glass !  AAAAAAaaaa…  Um…  Hold on a second…  This bullet seems
to be moving reaaaalllly slow.  Hmmm.  Any time now.  La La La…  Ha !  FOOLS !  
I’ve got about five minutes before that bad boy hits me.  And then, I’ll probably
just move out of the way.  How sweet, they actually took the time to carve
my name into it.  Nice touch !

Yes, it’s true.  EVERYONE just loves “Wanted”.  I can’t walk down the street
without people saying “Wanted” this and “Wanted” that.  Hmmmph.  I was
quite shocked when I read all of the positive reviews.  Wait… I know !  There
is ONE critic that I can count on to back me up !  ONE critic who will not let  
me down !  I’m gonna call him right now.  Hold on…  It’s ringing…  Funny…  
One of the rioters outside (some guy with a chainsaw), his phone is going
off…  NO !  IT CAN’T BE ! 

Et tu,  Roger Ebert ?  Et tu ?

“Wanted” starts off promising enough.  I actually got a laugh or two out
    of it, as star James McAvoy seems to playing an “everyman” that we can    
relate to.  The movie sort of starts off like “Office Space”, with a humble
accountant facing problems at work.  But seven minutes or so into the 
movie, it takes a dive SOUTH and never lets up.  Let me tell you why… 

 


Warning:  Spoilers Ahead.  Drive Carefully.
(And Watch Out For Those PLOT HOLES) !

 

  In a few minutes time, we learn that our “hero” (James McAvoy) is more of a
DOORMAT than an “everyman”.  He does whatever his evil boss tells him to do
and his girlfriend walks all over him.  He ends up getting SUPERPOWERS, but, 
though and behold, he is STILL a doormat.  He does what his new evil boss
tells him to do, and his new girlfriend (Angelina Jolie) walks all over him.   

 James never knew his father.  According to his new boss,  (played by Morgan
Freeman) James has secret “assassin” powers (like his dad).  The boss man   
(who James has known for all of five minutes) tells him that his pops has been
smoked by a bad guy, and it’s up to James to bring him down.  But, before he  
is ready for that big task, he must kill several people that Morgan says are
“dangerous”.   Rather suspect if you ask me. 

Several “Fight Club” inspired scenes unfold, as James is inducted into the
secret sect of assassins.  They punch him.  They stab him.  They call him 
names.  And then they teach him how to make rugs.  Not kidding.  Turns  
out these assassins are actually weavers (no relation to Sigourney).  

There are tons of hints that the “Dad Killer” is really (surprise surprise) THE
LONG LOST FATHER.  Despite the hints, and despite the fact that this dude
saves James from falling out of a train, he gets shot by his own son.  As   
he dies, he says “I am your father” .  Someone in the theater actually gasped
at that part.  I wanted to hit her with my pickle !!!  (Be warned, I do have a 
licence to dill).  Didn’t anyone see the big, blinking neon sign over the guy 
that said “Hello, this is your DAD” ? 

I just couldn’t cheer for our “anti hero”.  He only figures out things by
being told.  And, for that matter he believes anything that is told to him. 
Of course,  he has killed several innocent people, but now he is having a
hissy fit and is bent on revenge.  So he kills more folks, (granted this time
they are not so innocent).  What does this guy use to masacre everyone ?
Rats outfitted with little bombs.    Sigh…  Talk about poorly executed !

 


Get Out Of My Pants…  This Isn’t “Hancock” !  


   To wind things down, James McAvoy addresses the people in the audience,
and basically tells them to F**K off.  NICE.  But there is so much more to 
this film than that.  There are the thrilling, state-of-the-art special effects ! 
Car chases AND plenty of bullets spinning around in slow motion !!!  I am  
twirling my finger in the air right now.  Original… Yes.  Back in 1999 !  Keanu
Reeves did this stuff soooo much better. There is LOTS of sex and violence
though.  (And we do see Angelina’s butt-crack) !  It must be said however, 
a butt-crack does not a good movie make.     

One last thing…  If someone knows the answer to this, let me know.  Why
did they call this movie “Wanted” ?  There are no “fugitives” per se.  No one is
running from the law really.  Yes, I realize that the comic book this flick was 
 based on does share the same title.  Nonetheless, they should have called it  
“Revenge”.  Or perhaps  “Angelina Jolie’s Butt-Crack”.  Or maybe even 
“The Matrix Rides Again” ! 

* Editor’s note:  Just last week I had the pleasure of meeting Common,
the Grammy award winning rapper turned actor who plays the assassin
“Gunsmith”.  Cool guy.  And he really is awesome in “Wanted”.  Granted,
I was quick to talk about his great role in “Smokin’ Aces”.  He knew I
didn’t like  “Wanted”, but something tells me he isn’t going to loose 
any sleep over it.   LOL !!!

Hmmm…  Still looks like I have a bullet to dodge and an angry mob to
deal with.

I’m sticking to my guns!  “Wanted” puts the ASS back in ASSASSIN !

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating: “5″ out of “10″

 

 

July 2, 2008

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “The Happening”

Filed under: Movies, Reviews — Daniel's Critical Corner @ 6:56 pm


Poop Happens !

 ~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s Event:  The Happening

Warning:  This review will have more spoilers than a crate FULL of rotten
cabbage, so proceed at your own risk !!!

OK.  The obligatory “spoiler alert” is out of the way.  Lettuce begin…

Our story opens one beautiful morning in Central Park.  All is calm, and two
young women are sitting on a bench reading.  A scream pierces the air, and one
of them is startled.  The other, seems to be dazed.  People on the nearby path  
just sort of “freeze” and stop what they are doing.  Dogs are running loose with 
leashes dragging behind them.  Phones and iPods are dropped, and bicycles lay
on the ground.  A cool summer breeze glides across everyone, as they casually 
start to reach for any and all sharp objects in the vicinity.  One of the women
on the bench removes a large pin from her hair and impales herself with it…

Everybody on the East Coast mysteriously starts following suit…  Something is
causing folks to commit mass suicide.  But what ?  Did Clay Aiken release a new
album ?  At first, it seems to be yet another terrorist attack…  Then we find out 
that BUSH is responsible.   (As well as SHRUB and TREE).

It is vindictive and vile vegetation vetting Vengeance ! Predatory perennials
preying on People !  Beguiling begonias bringing bundles of Bedlam !

Yes folks, “The Happening” is director M. Night Shyamalan’s version of “Little
Shop of Horrors”,  (minus the musical numbers of course).   Alfred Hitchcock 
had people leery of peckers after watching “The Birds”, and M. Night Shyamalan 
wants to terrify us with his “plants”.  Go figure. 

 A killer plant movie.  That’s what’s “Happening”.  Nothing more than a  tale
of botany gone bad.  Scary… No.  Interesting… maybe.  Leafy and delicious… 
Always.  Vegetarians, beware, these plants are looking to settle the score. 
You should have had that hamburger !  Now, ferocious foliage shall feast
upon your FACE !

Alright, I’m exaggerating a little bit.  The plants don’t eat people…  This movie
would have been SO COOL if they did.  They do however, let out deadly plant
farts.  This chemical is so rank that one is driven to suicide.  And speaking of 
suicide, what is M. Night doing to himself with this wilted wannabe of a fright
flick anyway ? Is he calling Uwe Boll for advice ?  We’ve gone from “Sixth
Sense” to “No Sense Whatsoever”. 

Where is the genius that brought us liquid-hating aliens  in “Signs” ?  What
happened to the guy that brought us Samuel Jackson’s bad hair in the now
classic “Unbreakable” ?  (In retrospect, they should have called it
“Uncombable”).

 


Pardon Me…  Is This The New Issue Of “Critical Corner” ?

 

 After leaving a bad taste in our mouths with his “Lady in the Water”,  you’d think
M. Night would have tossed us a breath mint.  Nope.  “Lady in the Water” did a
total belly flop at the box office, and he comes back with “The Crappening”.

 In all fairness, “Lady” had a great premise.  Some dude finds a nympho in his
 pool and has to save her from a demon dog.  How could you screw that up ?  Well,
 he decided to make it into some sort of morality play, and that’s all she wrote. 
Now, he takes killer plants and stuffs yet ANOTHER message down our throats. 
How mundane.  Respect the planet or it will be your undoing.  Yawn…  Talk
about missing your MARK (no, not as in Wahlberg) !  LOL !

Mark Wahlberg is indeed on board, trying to give us a salad performance as an
“Ivy” League college teacher who knows a thing or two about flora.  When the 
flowers and ferns start causing people to “off” themselves, our prudent professor
figures out a way to escape.  He, his wife, and a little girl left in their care make
a run for it, convinced they can escape the blooms of doom.

 Turns out, ALL of the plants, flowers and trees in the world can communicate
with each other ! (Most of them use Verizon Wireless).  Humans are a threat, and 
must be exterminated !  So, as a natural defense, toxins are released that turn
people into self destructing maniacs…  (Their first attempt was the perfume 
“Curious” by Britney Spears, and we all know what went on there).

Mark W. and his small band of survivors hide out in the country, because it
seems the deadly gas doesn’t strike areas of low populace.  However, you can’t
fool mother nature for long, and they soon discover what a pain in the “aspen”
she really can be. 

 


Insane In The Membrane…

 

 


Insane In The Brain !

 

They take refuge at a little old lady’s house (Betty Buckley from “Eight is
Enough”), but she is soon brainwashed by some tomato vines and a really
pissed off petunia.  The final showdown is not supposed to be funny, but I
was cracking up the entire time.

Now, I appreciate the message Shamalamadingdong is trying to send out here.
EAT MEAT.  But everyone is expecting more…  He really doesn’t even give us
a “plot twist” this time around.  Almost immediately, we realize what is behind
the mystery.  And after a while, seeing someone scream at a giant redwood 
(that’s just blowing in the wind) gets old.  

There is some build up, as the first thirty minutes of this film is rather intense. 
People kill themselves in gruesome, rather imaginative ways.  But it climaxes into
Mark Wahlberg yelling at nothing but air in a “take me now” kind of moment. 
Total let down.  Imagine if M. Night had directed “Psycho”.  Instead of the killer
turning out to be Norman Bates in a wig, we discover Phyllis Diller is holding
the knife….

Maybe it’s time for our misguided director to get out of “The Twilight Zone”.
(Or at least stay out of the greenhouse).  He has talent, but he is barking 
up the wrong tree.  He needs to branch out.  Maybe get to the root of the
problem. Then he can see where his failures stem from. 

He should try doing a drama, or perhaps a comedy.  (His last two movies, 
granted, are pretty darn funny).  He just can’t scare us anymore…  But all
hope isn’t lost.  Give the guy a change of venue, and he will be fine ! 

If you want true entertainment featuring vegetation with a taste for human
blood, may I suggest “The Maneater of Hydra” (1967) or “Attack of the Killer
Tomatoes” (1978).  Of course the original black and white version of “Little
Shop of Horrors” is sure to thrill, (with a young Jack Nicholson making his
film debut) !  Hey, he had to start somewhere.  It’s not easy being green. 

At any rate, “The Happening” is sure to leaf you totally disappointed.

 ~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “6″ out of “10″

 

 

 

July 1, 2008

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Memories of 2007″

Filed under: DVD, Reviews — Daniel's Critical Corner @ 8:00 am

 
2007 ?  I’ve Just Gotta See This !!!

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
My Spethal Lisp Edithon
Ugh, my fingers were off center !  Not “Lisp”… “List” !
My Special List Edition !

July is upon us !  I am excited, yet at the same time a little blue. 
(Just add some red and white and we have ourselves a flag) !  My  
AWESOME “Best of 2008″ extravaganza will be out in just six short
months.  Yes folks, we are halfway there !  With films like “Iron Man”
and “Wall-E” gracing the screens, figuring out my choice for “Movie
 of the Year” is not going to be an easy task…  And don’t forget, we
have “Batman” coming soon to a cave near you ! 

In the meantime, to curb my cinematic “list” cravings, let’s take a look
back on my personal faves from 2007.  Some of you will be shocked.
Others, probably tickled.  But EVERYONE will be entertained with my 
spin on these recent hits (now gracing the new release walls of your
favorite video store)…

 Daniel’s Critical Corner Proudly Presents: The BEST of 2007 !!!

The envelope, please…  And will someone shut that cricket UP !

 


I Can Barely Contain My Excitement !

 

 ****************************************

Number 1:  300

Proving, once and for all,
that guys with beards RULE.

****************************************

Number 2:  Elizabeth:  The Golden Age

Proving, once and for all,
that girls with beards RULE.

****************************************

Number 3:  The Simpsons Movie

D’ohnt miss it !  It’s D’ohlightful !

****************************************

Number 4:  Mr. Bean’s Holiday

He doesn’t have to say much to make us laugh.

*****************************************

Number 5:  The Mist

Wait until you see what’s in THE MIST !
Hint:  It isn’t a gorilla…

 

 
Oh Dear GOD !  That’s NOT Sigourney Weaver !!!

 

****************************************

Number 6:  The Great Debaters

They are great indeed !!!  Denzel is Swell !!!

****************************************

Number 7:  Ratatouille

A blue rat with a pink nose cooks food.
(No different than a trip to “Burger King”)

****************************************

Number 8:  Underdog

You can’t go wrong with a dog in a cape !

****************************************

Number 9:  Pan’s Labyrinth

David Bowie, Eat your heart out  !

****************************************

Number 10:  Live Free or Die Hard

But only if you’ve had an erection that
lasts for more than four hours.

****************************************

~

Honorable Mentions:

“Pirates of the Caribbean:  At World’s End”

 


Mascara-Wearing Pirates Chase Booty !  Yo Ho Ho !

 

Also:
“Kite Runner”
“Spider-Man 3″
“Stardust”
“Atonement”
“Disturbia”
“The Host”
“Transformers”
“Juno”
“Harry Potter”
(Order of the Phoenix)

~

****************************************

Below are some great movies from 2007…

FOR ME TO POOP ON !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**********

Bug

Give me a stick and I’ll kill it.

The Golden Compass

Comp ass ?  You get what you pay for.

(Besides, polar bears aren’t supposed to run
around in funny outfits.  They are supposed
to just sit around and drink Coke).

American Gangster

Ruby Dee RULES.  Russell Crowe DROOLS.

Lions For Lambs

And just what would lambs do with
the aforementioned lions ?  That’s like
calling a movie “Birds For Worms”.

El Cantante

That’s Spanish for “This Movie BLOWS”.

Hannibal Rising

Someone please take away his VIAGRA !

No Country For Old Men

As if.  The only Oscar this movie
deserved was of the “Mayer Weiner”
variety.

The Invasion

Nicole Kidman is attacked by
bad movie reviews

 


You Gave My Movie A “5.5″ ?

 **********

 LOL !  Hope you enjoyed my best (and worst) lists of 2007 !  It was
fun looking back…  Just wait until I whip out 2008 !  In the meantime,
thanks for stopping by and have a great Fourth of July Weekend !!!

 

 

June 13, 2008

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “The Incredible Hulk”

Filed under: Film, Reviews — Daniel's Critical Corner @ 8:00 am


For The Last Time, This Is Not “Fight Club” !

 ~ Hello Everyone ~
 Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Keeping His Pants On Today:  The Incredible Hulk

~ 

Da Hu K Be - & Zxx gooodmov;e BLAH - h2o 
4 /q , < Mahnahmahna 5=+  moon # fiG ***
$  aU . 6 2 @ la ( ga ga eep ! ~ % } HA poo ?

 ~

UGH !  This is just not working… Darn it !  I thought I could write
this new review while wearing my “Hulk Smash Hands”.  Guess not.
Sigh…  Well, at least I can do it while wearing my “Hulk Underoos”.
Granted, they are a little tight, but still fun to wear !!!

Speaking of a “little” tight, what is going on with the Hulk’s pants
anyway?  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I want ‘em
off…  seeing some HUGE CGI gamma ray zapped “cucumber” has 
zero appeal, but what is the secret to those bad boys staying on?

Talking about trousers and stuff is just not my cup of tea.  That’s why
I never reviewed “The Sisterhood of the Ya Ya Pants” (or whatever it
was called).  However, I am a man always seeking knowledge, and if
anyone can give me a logical explanation for this phenomena, I’m ALL
ears.  LOL ! 

Now, “gamma rays” are another mystery altogether, but those little
buggers show up in EVERY “Hulk” incarnation that pops up in movie
theaters, comic books and cartoons.  I wonder if a high SPF sunscreen
would be affective against them ?  Probably not, and I would never be
willing to test it out.  Knowing my luck, MY PANTS would be the first
Hulk pants (in the history of Hulk pants) to rip off.  In front of a
busload of nuns.

These aforementioned gamma rays were featured in the LAST “Hulk”
film (an Incredible FLOP) directed by Lang Wee.  Um…  Wang Less.
Er…  The gay cowboy dude.  You know, he brought us Crotching
Tigers, and such.  Well, his take on our Marvel superstar was less
than well received.  Edward Norton saw this, and said “This movie
sucks, I can do better”.   So here we are. 

Tang Free said the same thing about “Fight Club” to be fair, and
so his answer to that was “Brokeback Mountain”.  Did I finally get
the name right?  “Brokeback Mountain” was a Tang Free film, was
it not ?  Hmmm…

At any rate, we have a brand new “spin” on the big green guy, and it
ain’t half bad !  This version hits the ground running from where the
last one left off…  It really isn’t related to the 2003 flick, but in some
ways, it could be.  We only see a few minutes of back story and then
 BOOM, we are with Bruce Banner (The Hulk’s alter ego) hiding out in 
Brazil.  Banner, of course, is being played by Edward Norton, whose 
portrayal of this introspective character is spot on.  Much like Robert
Downey Jr.’s performance as Tony Stark in “Iron Man”, Norton brings
credibility and balance to “The Incredible Hulk”. 

Bruce is (sad to say) contaminated with some horrible, vile stuff.  But
what do you expect when you drink the water in Brazil ?  Aside from
that, he is also radioactive, and the gamma poisoning residing deep
within his very DNA will turn him into a large nightmarish freak the
moment he gets angry.  Kudos to veteran action film director Louis 
Leterrier, who manages to pull off this grusome transformation
flawlessly !

 



Lights…  Gamma…  ACTION !

 

Mr. Banner works at some sort of bottling plant, (under an alias), and
his supervisors start to realize he is too smart for just day labor.  He
refuses promotions however, to keep his guise intact.  Staying low key,
he can live in his humble apartment with his dog and work on finding
a cure for his unusual infliction. 

Things go well until an accident at his job causes the U.S. Military to
find him.  They are the the ones actually behind his ghastly condition,
and they need him back to unlock his secrets.  Turns out, the Army  
wants to build a race of SUPER SOLDIERS (in addition to creating the
next winner of “American Idol”).

 Well, all of this ticks Bruce off, and in no time he turns into the mean,
green butt-whoopin’ machine “The Hulk”.  He manages to thrash a few
soldiers before escaping back to the USA where he must find his long
lost love Betty Ross (Liv Tyler).  I couldn’t stop staring at her lips
during this movie…  Have they always been that big ?  We are talkin’
“Angelina Jolie” big.  Or “Someone slammed a door on her FACE” big. 
OK, so she is dating The Hulk.  I guess that would explain it.  Ha Ha ! 
“Liv and let Liv”.  That’s my motto !

After getting hooked back up with Betty, Bruce tries to find a scientist
(by the name of Mr. Blue) who can help him with his dilemma.  The Army
won’t let up, and they decide to catch Bruce by creating a hulk of their
own. This “Abomination” soon runs amok, and there is no stopping what
has become a Frankenstein experiment FROM HELL.

 


Get Off My Back Hillary…  I Said “ABOMINATION”
Not “Obama Nation” !  Sheeesh !!! 

 

Plenty of by the numbers fights ensue, and yes, there were a couple of times
when I felt like I was watching a video game.  But the action goes at such a
thrilling pace, one is inclined to just buy into the illusion and enjoy the ride.

As a matter of fact, the final battle scene was so long and intense, I almost
 needed a cigarette when it was all said and done.  I’ve got to admit, it’s really
fun to watch The Hulk do his thing. (Much more fun than watching The Thing
do his hulk).  But that’s another movie.

A surefire summer hit, this Green Giant is guaranteed
to make you Jolly !

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “8″ out of “10″  

 

 

 

 

 

 

June 8, 2008

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Elizabeth: The Golden Age”

Filed under: DVD, Movies — Daniel's Critical Corner @ 8:00 am



Purple Reign

 ~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s Crowning Achievement:  Elizabeth:  The Golden Age

 WOW !  This is NOT your parent’s “Elizabeth” movie…  For those of you that
think a film from this genre will be boring, think again !  “Elizabeth:  The
Golden Age” features beheadings, bewiggings, swashbuckling and midgets in
 fancy dress !  It’s (sort of) like “Pirates of the Caribbean” meets “Jackass Number
Two” !  I was thrilled and mesmerized by this flick, a movie that tells the tale of
“Queen Elizabeth I” during the 1580’s.  This is a sequel to “Elizabeth”, the Oscar
nominated 1998 masterpiece that launched Cate Blanchett’s career…

You might be asking yourself, “What is a bewigging ?”  Well, that is the act of
“putting on one’s wig”…  But we will get to that a little later.

Cate once again stars as Elizabeth, a queen who prances around in funny
outfits (and yes, a rather strange wig), but who also really knows how to
kick butt.

Our story begins with “Queen Elizabeth I” trying to land herself a husband, so
we find her with many suitors coming to her castle bearing gifts.  She seems
content, but we soon learn she wants to lose the title of “Virgin Queen”.  
(C’mon now.  She’s The Queen for God’s sake ! All she has to do is snap her
fingers to get “some”) !  Problem is, she wants to remain chaste until the right
guy comes along.  Sigh…  Yet ANOTHER hopeless romantic.  Probably a fan of
“Sex in the City”.  Regardless, The Big “E” is now in her forties, and I’d think
that even the court jester would start to look good at this point.  * I myself 
find jesters rather HOT…  With their suggestive “bell hats” and naughty
“tickle feathers” ! 

 


This Queen Is No DRAG !

 

 In the midst of Elizabeth’s “man-hunting”, Spain is plotting against England…
The religious fanatics behind the Inquisition want to oust the Queen…  (And I don’t
mean spray her with deodorizer)…  They want her GONE,  and they want her cousin 
on the throne instead.

Her cousin is none other than “Scott, Queen of the Marys”.  Oops…  I mean,
  “A Merry Queen Named Scott”…  No…  That’s not right either.  Give me a second
to look it up…  Hmmm…  OK.  Her cousin is Mary, Queen of Scots.  Spain is just
crazy about Mary, but she can’t be  “England’s True Queen” as long as Elizabeth
is alive.  So, Mary tries to have her competition killed.  Elizabeth doesn’t like
this and orders Mary’s execution on the chopping block.

~ Soon after, poor Mary is forced into “giving head” for her country. ~

All of this causes an uproar in Spain, so a GIANT fleet of ships unlike any ever
 before seen (The Spanish Armada) is dispatched to attack England, but our Queen
is ready for them.   Historical Fact:  Elizabeth’s motto was “Video et taceo”, which
means…  Um…  Darn it… 

I’m NOT going to look something else up !  What it logically translates to is: “I eat
tacos, and have silent (but deadly) gas”.  This is evident in her impassioned threat to
one of the Spanish Ambassadors, when she says, “I too, can command the wind sir !   
 I have a HURRICANE in me that will strip Spain bare when you dare to try me !” 
(Now THAT sounds like a farting contest challenge).

Flatulence aside, the Queen plots her defense strategy, sometimes wearing what
appears to be a shower curtain (complete with rods).  At other times, she looks like
a peacock on steroids (with plumage aplenty).  Regardless of what our hero has on,
we get to see every side of this monarch.  Her strengths are many, and I was very
impressed with the powerful performance by Cate Blanchett.  She really dominates
every single scene she is in, even when showing weakness.  We have a real “three
dimensional” character here.  This Queen is more accessible (and human) than she 
was in the first “Elizabeth” outing.    

Her main love interest is an explorer named “Sir Walter Raleigh”, played with great
charm by Clive Owen.  Being so smitten by the Queen, he names one of the colonies
in the New World after her…  “Virginia” (because she is allegedly a “virgin” queen).
What would he name it if he found out she lost her virginity ?  “Got-Laida” ?  LOL !
(She makes a similar joke, but mine is funnier)…

Well, other highlights include torture in the dungeon, a midget in a dress, and the
Queen taking off her strange red wig and showing us a rather “butch” short haircut.
She has a “head of hair” for every occasion, and watching her bewig (and de-wig)
herself is fun.  On a couple of occasions, I swear she looks JUST like “Lucille Ball”…
Even acts like her too !

The following dialogue is from the film:  (Well, give or take a word or two).

~ 

The Queen: “What is going on with Spain ?”

Sir Walter Raleigh:  “They are going to attack.”

The Queen:  “Waaaaaaaah !”

Sir Walter Raleigh:  “They have some ’splainin to do !”

 


Lucille Ball

 


The Queen, Going To A Ball

 

The climax of this movie is great, with a ship battle royale !  Sir Walter Raleigh
looks (and acts) more like a pirate than a ship’s captain, as he commands the
British Fleet dressed like “Errol Flynn”.  Even the Queen shows up in full armor,
and a major thrashing ensues…

EVERYONE gets spanked accept for the Queen, who at the end of our story
remains a “virgin”…  I hope this girl sees some action before the next film
comes along.  She says (something) to the affect of, “England is now my
husband”.  Kinky…  That’s a LOT of people. 

“Golden Age” is a breathtaking epic, and it earned Cate Blanchett yet
another Best Actress nomination !  The direction is superb, the costumes
are mind-blowing, the score is phenomenal and the midget is really  
cool.  (But of course, here at “Critical Corner”, midgets are ALWAYS a
plus)…

Don’t miss it, (now out on DVD) !  “Elizabeth:  The Golden Age”  RULES !!!

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “10″ out of “10″

 

 

 

May 30, 2008

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “The Strangers”

Filed under: Movies — Daniel's Critical Corner @ 8:00 am
Tags: ,


That’s The LAST Time I Touch Peter Jackson’s Stupid Oscar !

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today We Will Be Getting To Know:  The Strangers

Horrifying…  Cutting Edge…  The Last Word In TERROR.

That is how I would describe “The Exorcist”.  Sadly, today I am reviewing “The
Strangers”, and my words of choice will be FAR from flattering. Please, be warned,
there will be tons of BLOOD SOAKED spoilers.  But, it would probably behoove you
to read on.    

To be honest, half the time I thought I was watching “Scary Movie”…  This film
has so many “Don’t Go In There” moments it’s almost comical.  Now, people getting
tortured is never funny, (unless you are watching “The View”).  But this sick little film
manages to garner a giggle under even the most brutal of circumstances.  But enough
about Liv Tyler’s acting…

Everything starts out rather slow.  We first see both Scott Speedman (Underworld) 
 and Liv Tyler (Middle-Earth) having an argument.  They are just another young couple
with their fair share of problems.  To patch things up, they go to a remote mansion
in the woods.  Most people have cabins, but these folks have what appears to be a
castle.  Go figure.  Anyway, there are rose petals thrown all over the place and a few
candles set about for romantic “ambiance”.

Setting the mood further, their pad is equipped with an antique record player.  They
play more old country music than the soundtrack to “Brokeback Mountain”, but before
anyone can say “I wish I knew how to quit you”, there is an ominous knock at the front
door.  Thinking it’s probably just the Girl Scouts, our hapless couple decide to answer,    
only to find a young woman standing in the shadows.  Despite being four o’clock in the 
morning, this chick asks if someone named “Tamara” is home…  How rude.  Aren’t  
strangers supposed to CALL first or something ? 

She is politely told that she has the wrong house.  With her head down, this
mysterious figure vanishes into the bleak darkness…  Only to return a few
minutes later wearing a creepy doll mask !!! 

 

Hello Dolly !

 

This woman is a total nut, and she has brought back a couple of weirdos with her.
 Some guy dressed as “The Scarecrow” from Batman Begins and some chick dressed as 
“Betty Boop”…  Horror is supposed to ensue as these masked marauders terrorize the
household.  At first, I wasn’t too worried about our heroes.  Turns out, they have TWO 
loaded shotguns in the house, plenty of knives and a chainsaw.  Not to mention, they
have a two-way radio, two cell phones, a land line and access to a couple of vehicles.

I was sure they would get the upper hand against the “strangers” who want to harm
them.  I mean, all these crazies have is an ax.  That’s right.  One shiny ax.  Nothing 
more, nothing less.  However, in a shocking plot twist, we learn that the victims are
RETARDED.  They have no clue what a gun is, or for that matter, how to use it.  

Once they “figure” out how to pull the trigger, they shoot at anything that moves
before seeing who or what it is.  First, they put COUNTLESS holes in the walls.  To 
match the COUNTLESS holes in the plot perhaps ?  Then they manage to blow away
their best friend (who ironically just cancelled a hunting trip with Dick Cheney).  And,
to top it all off,  they hit a couple of nuns AND a horse.  OK, maybe I exaggerated   
the last part a little bit…  What it boils down to is the bad guys never actually get
shot (but EVERYTHING and EVERYONE else does).    

Of course, our couple also LOVES to split up. “You wait here.  I’ll be right back” ! 
And it seems to make sense (at least to them) to leave their guns in other rooms
while they investigate strange noises…  It doesn’t matter how many phones they
have, as they only like to call each other, and not 911.  I think one of them calls
a psychic hotline for advice on what to do.  But the police seem to be last on  
their list.

 


If They Walk Through That Door, I’ll Clobber Em’ With My “Shoot Stick”  

 

One scene in particular that stands out in my mind (yes, I did laugh), is when
our beautiful heroine sneaks back into the house after having a run-in with an
ax-wielding maniac !!!  She is trying to be quiet, but she trips and lands on a 
table full of plates.  There is a huge CRASH… Then she backs up into a wall,
knocking down a picture and shattering the glass frame.  She shrieks, (and
only covers her mouth after the fact). As she raises her arm up, she bumps
  her elbow into a shelf of porcelain figurines, tipping a couple of those over.  

Realizing at this point she’s been “made” (Duh) she runs to the kitchen to hide
in the pantry.  After slamming the door she bumps into a shelf full of jellies,  
which rattles very loudly as a couple of jars fall to the ground. Oh Puhleeze !

Perhaps all of this is supposed to add to the “suspense”, but instead it generates
plenty of unintentional humor.   Early on, this movie does have some rather tense
moments…   “The Strangers” at least starts off very atmospheric.  Some creepy,  
dark piano music (mixed with the record player skipping) managed to invoke in me
memories of the horror classic “The Evil Dead”.  But soon it devolves into nothing
more than parlor tricks and cheap scares. (Probably not so cheap if you have
shelled out ten bucks for a ticket) !

    Yes, I went from being on the edge of my seat one moment, to almost laughing
  hysterically the next…  But the smile was wiped off my face when I had to sit
   through the sick, horrible and disturbing end.  I won’t go into many details, but it
     involves (not kidding) two Mormon missionaries and a blood-curdling scream.  
  LAME !!!  

Remember kids, look both ways before you cross the street, and of course
 avoid “Strangers” at ALL COSTS !

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “5″ out of “10″

 

 

 

 

May 23, 2008

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian”

Filed under: Movies — Daniel's Critical Corner @ 8:53 am


Who You Callin’ A “Pretty Boy” ???

 ~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s Impossibly Long Title:  The Chronicles of
Narnia:  Prince Caspian

 WOW !  Check out that moniker !  It takes up the entire top of my page !
What is with that exactly ?  Couldn’t they have just called it Narnia 2 and
been done with it?  I mean, when I went to get my ticket, I didn’t say “Hi
there, one adult for The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian please”.  Yes,
 I could have said that, but that would have made me look like a big TWIT. 
 Nope.  “One for Narnia please” was just enough to get the point across.
Hmmm…  I suppose “Narnia Dos” would’ve worked as well… 

 Regardless, “The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian” still manages to
be a little less of a mouthful than “Harry Potter and the Nursing Home
in Phoenix” (or wherever Daniel Radclliffe is retiring too).

Enough about the title, let’s get to the movie !!! 
We begin with a horrible scream…  (No, not from someone in the audience). A   
woman is giving birth in a castle, and we realize this baby is an heir to a throne 
of some sort.  Something is then mentioned in passing about the “Caspian Clan”… 

Moments later, we see a different woman (in bed and apparently in the same castle). She 
is notabley young and beautiful, with what appears to be perfect hair.  Someone sneaks
into her chambers, then a hand claps over her mouth to keep her from yelling.  It turns  
out that the woman is none other than Prince Caspian !  (Yea, I know that’s confusing).
I thought he was a chick at first glance.  Dude looks like a lady.

   Anyway, some old guy dressed as Santa Claus ushers the prince out of the castle,
fearing that his life is in danger…  Low and behold, it is !  The aforementioned baby
can’t become king if our pal Caspian is alive and kicking.  The baby’s daddy is the
main villain in this picture, a guy with a penchant for power who looks like an ugly
(and perhaps retarded) version of Leonidas from “300″ !

Our hero runs into the woods, where he finds some midgets and other freaks.
  And that’s when he gets REAL horny !!!  Allow me to elaborate…  (He grabs a 
horn given to him by Santa Claus).  He starts blowing the heck out of it, while
one of the midgets beats him over the head.  Sounds WILD, I know.  And all of
this in a “PG” film !!!

 


He Sees You When You’re Sleeping…
(Through This Movie) 

 

Suddenly, like magic, the brats from the prior installment are sucked out of England 
 and into the land of Narnia.  (That’s where the horn tootin’ prince lives).  Let’s see, if
memory serves me correctly we have “Lucy”, “Peter”, “Schlepo” and “What’s Her Face”.
Hmmm… Close enough.  The group is glad to be back at first, but they soon realize  
  that more than a thousand years has passed in NST (Narnia Standard Time) since their 
last visit.  The world that they once knew now officially sucks.  Bad guys have
overtaken the land,  and everything is in ruin !

So the gang of young kings and queens who once defeated the “Ice Witch” (or
whatever she was called) must join forces with Prince Crapstain to save the day !
 They decide to once more enlist the aid of strange looking creatures and assorted
oddballs.  They befriend a cute little talking mouse that wears a feather and slits
people’s throats like butter… (Lovely).  They also search for their old pal, Aslan
the Lion !  Not an easy guy to get in touch with.  He’s terrible about returning
messages (and that’s if you are lucky enough to even get his voice mail). 

In one touching scene, the youngest girl sees a lion on a rock and runs up to him,
crying.  As everyone cheers, she wraps her arms around the noble animal. In a flash,
the lion bites off her head.  One of the other kids screams and runs up with a sword,
but he looses his arm as everyone shoots arrows at the enraged BEAST. 

LOL !  OK, it didn’t go down quite like that (if this were MY movie, that’s what
would probably happen). Maybe it’s a good thing they haven’t called me to do
“Narnia Tres”.  Yes, of course the little girl finds Aslan (voiced by Liam Neeson),
and it’s all smiles and butterflies after that. 

But not before there is a good deal of action and bloodshed.  These little kids go to
battle and kill several people.  A couple of them are dressed in full adult armor, and 
they look just plain silly.  It’s also hard to believe that they are strong enough to beat
some of the evil warriors that come their way, (either hand to hand or sword to sword).
Cute animals are found donning knives and such, and join in on the bloodbath.  Kind
of strange actually. 

 Granted, the effects are brilliant, and this movie is faster paced compared to the   
first.  Truth be told, I liked this installment a tad better…   And of course, it is  
(big surprise) DARKER.  That’s the rule these days.  If a studio makes a successful  
kid’s fantasy film, each sequel has to get darker and darker with a higher
body count.

 


A Group Of Undecided Superdelegates Prepare
To Meet With Hillary Clinton…

 

And now, for your “entertainment” (if you can call it that), here is an example
of a “generic” kid’s fantasy movie script (complete with sequels).  

 ~

Generic Kid’s Fantasy Movie

Little Girl:  “What a pretty rainbow”.

Goat-Head Creature:  “Yes, and such a nice day as well” !

Little Girl:  “What a magical land” !

 

Generic Kid’s Fantasy Movie Part 2 

Little Girl:  “It’s raining.”

Goat-Head Creature:  “There is evil afoot.”

Little Girl:  “And the bad sorcerer killed Puppy-Face” !

Goat-Head Creature:  “Awww… He was so cute” !

Little Girl:  “He was actually more than just cute . He 
                    represented the plight of starving animals
around the world” !!!

 

 Generic Kid’s Fantasy Movie Part 3 (The Final Chapter)

Goat-Head Creature:  “What the heck happened to you” ?

Little Girl:  “What do you mean” ?

Goat-Head Creature:  “You are like what, 40 years old now,
                        and still wearing pigtails” ?

Little Girl:  “You have been possessed by the evil one  
                     like all of the others.  Now you must DIE” !!!

Goat-Head Creature:  “Nooooooo” !

(The little girl stabs Goat-Head Creature with the “Dagger of Truth”.
His blood splatters onto the camera.  As it drips off, we see the
 rainbow again from the first film, but this time with a new clarity).

The End.  Ha Ha !  (I’m sure you get my drift…)

~

 Now, the “Narnia” books by C.S. Lewis are truly an achievement in literature. 
I read all of them many years ago, (and was impressed).  I just don’t remember
them being quite as intense in comparison to this film…  Can you believe they 
actually swat an innocent midget in this flick ?  Hey… Get your minds out of the 
gutter !!!  I said “swat” not “SWAP”.  

In all fairness,  “Narnia” isn’t that bad… It’s just another run of the mill fantasy
 film sequel that tries to focus on more “grown up” themes than it’s predecessor. 
And with so much action, there is absolutley NO room for character growth.
(Unless you count the beauty mole on Caspian’s lip). 

“The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian” is perfect fodder for the dollar
movies, and I ain’t Lion !

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “6.5″ out of “10″

 

 

 

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