Daniel’s Critical Corner

June 13, 2008

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “The Incredible Hulk”

Filed under: Film, Reviews — Daniel's Critical Corner @ 8:00 am


For The Last Time, This Is Not “Fight Club” !

 ~ Hello Everyone ~
 Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Keeping His Pants On Today:  The Incredible Hulk

~ 

Da Hu K Be - & Zxx gooodmov;e BLAH - h2o 
4 /q , < Mahnahmahna 5=+  moon # fiG ***
$  aU . 6 2 @ la ( ga ga eep ! ~ % } HA poo ?

 ~

UGH !  This is just not working… Darn it !  I thought I could write
this new review while wearing my “Hulk Smash Hands”.  Guess not.
Sigh…  Well, at least I can do it while wearing my “Hulk Underoos”.
Granted, they are a little tight, but still fun to wear !!!

Speaking of a “little” tight, what is going on with the Hulk’s pants
anyway?  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I want ‘em
off…  seeing some HUGE CGI gamma ray zapped “cucumber” has 
zero appeal, but what is the secret to those bad boys staying on?

Talking about trousers and stuff is just not my cup of tea.  That’s why
I never reviewed “The Sisterhood of the Ya Ya Pants” (or whatever it
was called).  However, I am a man always seeking knowledge, and if
anyone can give me a logical explanation for this phenomena, I’m ALL
ears.  LOL ! 

Now, “gamma rays” are another mystery altogether, but those little
buggers show up in EVERY “Hulk” incarnation that pops up in movie
theaters, comic books and cartoons.  I wonder if a high SPF sunscreen
would be affective against them ?  Probably not, and I would never be
willing to test it out.  Knowing my luck, MY PANTS would be the first
Hulk pants (in the history of Hulk pants) to rip off.  In front of a
busload of nuns.

These aforementioned gamma rays were featured in the LAST “Hulk”
film (an Incredible FLOP) directed by Lang Wee.  Um…  Wang Less.
Er…  The gay cowboy dude.  You know, he brought us Crotching
Tigers, and such.  Well, his take on our Marvel superstar was less
than well received.  Edward Norton saw this, and said “This movie
sucks, I can do better”.   So here we are. 

Tang Free said the same thing about “Fight Club” to be fair, and
so his answer to that was “Brokeback Mountain”.  Did I finally get
the name right?  “Brokeback Mountain” was a Tang Free film, was
it not ?  Hmmm…

At any rate, we have a brand new “spin” on the big green guy, and it
ain’t half bad !  This version hits the ground running from where the
last one left off…  It really isn’t related to the 2003 flick, but in some
ways, it could be.  We only see a few minutes of back story and then
 BOOM, we are with Bruce Banner (The Hulk’s alter ego) hiding out in 
Brazil.  Banner, of course, is being played by Edward Norton, whose 
portrayal of this introspective character is spot on.  Much like Robert
Downey Jr.’s performance as Tony Stark in “Iron Man”, Norton brings
credibility and balance to “The Incredible Hulk”. 

Bruce is (sad to say) contaminated with some horrible, vile stuff.  But
what do you expect when you drink the water in Brazil ?  Aside from
that, he is also radioactive, and the gamma poisoning residing deep
within his very DNA will turn him into a large nightmarish freak the
moment he gets angry.  Kudos to veteran action film director Louis 
Leterrier, who manages to pull off this grusome transformation
flawlessly !

 



Lights…  Gamma…  ACTION !

 

Mr. Banner works at some sort of bottling plant, (under an alias), and
his supervisors start to realize he is too smart for just day labor.  He
refuses promotions however, to keep his guise intact.  Staying low key,
he can live in his humble apartment with his dog and work on finding
a cure for his unusual infliction. 

Things go well until an accident at his job causes the U.S. Military to
find him.  They are the the ones actually behind his ghastly condition,
and they need him back to unlock his secrets.  Turns out, the Army  
wants to build a race of SUPER SOLDIERS (in addition to creating the
next winner of “American Idol”).

 Well, all of this ticks Bruce off, and in no time he turns into the mean,
green butt-whoopin’ machine “The Hulk”.  He manages to thrash a few
soldiers before escaping back to the USA where he must find his long
lost love Betty Ross (Liv Tyler).  I couldn’t stop staring at her lips
during this movie…  Have they always been that big ?  We are talkin’
“Angelina Jolie” big.  Or “Someone slammed a door on her FACE” big. 
OK, so she is dating The Hulk.  I guess that would explain it.  Ha Ha ! 
“Liv and let Liv”.  That’s my motto !

After getting hooked back up with Betty, Bruce tries to find a scientist
(by the name of Mr. Blue) who can help him with his dilemma.  The Army
won’t let up, and they decide to catch Bruce by creating a hulk of their
own. This “Abomination” soon runs amok, and there is no stopping what
has become a Frankenstein experiment FROM HELL.

 


Get Off My Back Hillary…  I Said “ABOMINATION”
Not “Obama Nation” !  Sheeesh !!! 

 

Plenty of by the numbers fights ensue, and yes, there were a couple of times
when I felt like I was watching a video game.  But the action goes at such a
thrilling pace, one is inclined to just buy into the illusion and enjoy the ride.

As a matter of fact, the final battle scene was so long and intense, I almost
 needed a cigarette when it was all said and done.  I’ve got to admit, it’s really
fun to watch The Hulk do his thing. (Much more fun than watching The Thing
do his hulk).  But that’s another movie.

A surefire summer hit, this Green Giant is guaranteed
to make you Jolly !

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “8″ out of “10″  

 

 

 

 

 

 

June 8, 2008

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Elizabeth: The Golden Age”

Filed under: DVD, Movies — Daniel's Critical Corner @ 8:00 am



Purple Reign

 ~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s Crowning Achievement:  Elizabeth:  The Golden Age

 WOW !  This is NOT your parent’s “Elizabeth” movie…  For those of you that
think a film from this genre will be boring, think again !  “Elizabeth:  The
Golden Age” features beheadings, bewiggings, swashbuckling and midgets in
 fancy dress !  It’s (sort of) like “Pirates of the Caribbean” meets “Jackass Number
Two” !  I was thrilled and mesmerized by this flick, a movie that tells the tale of
“Queen Elizabeth I” during the 1580’s.  This is a sequel to “Elizabeth”, the Oscar
nominated 1998 masterpiece that launched Cate Blanchett’s career…

You might be asking yourself, “What is a bewigging ?”  Well, that is the act of
“putting on one’s wig”…  But we will get to that a little later.

Cate once again stars as Elizabeth, a queen who prances around in funny
outfits (and yes, a rather strange wig), but who also really knows how to
kick butt.

Our story begins with “Queen Elizabeth I” trying to land herself a husband, so
we find her with many suitors coming to her castle bearing gifts.  She seems
content, but we soon learn she wants to lose the title of “Virgin Queen”.  
(C’mon now.  She’s The Queen for God’s sake ! All she has to do is snap her
fingers to get “some”) !  Problem is, she wants to remain chaste until the right
guy comes along.  Sigh…  Yet ANOTHER hopeless romantic.  Probably a fan of
“Sex in the City”.  Regardless, The Big “E” is now in her forties, and I’d think
that even the court jester would start to look good at this point.  * I myself 
find jesters rather HOT…  With their suggestive “bell hats” and naughty
“tickle feathers” ! 

 


This Queen Is No DRAG !

 

 In the midst of Elizabeth’s “man-hunting”, Spain is plotting against England…
The religious fanatics behind the Inquisition want to oust the Queen…  (And I don’t
mean spray her with deodorizer)…  They want her GONE,  and they want her cousin 
on the throne instead.

Her cousin is none other than “Scott, Queen of the Marys”.  Oops…  I mean,
  “A Merry Queen Named Scott”…  No…  That’s not right either.  Give me a second
to look it up…  Hmmm…  OK.  Her cousin is Mary, Queen of Scots.  Spain is just
crazy about Mary, but she can’t be  “England’s True Queen” as long as Elizabeth
is alive.  So, Mary tries to have her competition killed.  Elizabeth doesn’t like
this and orders Mary’s execution on the chopping block.

~ Soon after, poor Mary is forced into “giving head” for her country. ~

All of this causes an uproar in Spain, so a GIANT fleet of ships unlike any ever
 before seen (The Spanish Armada) is dispatched to attack England, but our Queen
is ready for them.   Historical Fact:  Elizabeth’s motto was “Video et taceo”, which
means…  Um…  Darn it… 

I’m NOT going to look something else up !  What it logically translates to is: “I eat
tacos, and have silent (but deadly) gas”.  This is evident in her impassioned threat to
one of the Spanish Ambassadors, when she says, “I too, can command the wind sir !   
 I have a HURRICANE in me that will strip Spain bare when you dare to try me !” 
(Now THAT sounds like a farting contest challenge).

Flatulence aside, the Queen plots her defense strategy, sometimes wearing what
appears to be a shower curtain (complete with rods).  At other times, she looks like
a peacock on steroids (with plumage aplenty).  Regardless of what our hero has on,
we get to see every side of this monarch.  Her strengths are many, and I was very
impressed with the powerful performance by Cate Blanchett.  She really dominates
every single scene she is in, even when showing weakness.  We have a real “three
dimensional” character here.  This Queen is more accessible (and human) than she 
was in the first “Elizabeth” outing.    

Her main love interest is an explorer named “Sir Walter Raleigh”, played with great
charm by Clive Owen.  Being so smitten by the Queen, he names one of the colonies
in the New World after her…  “Virginia” (because she is allegedly a “virgin” queen).
What would he name it if he found out she lost her virginity ?  “Got-Laida” ?  LOL !
(She makes a similar joke, but mine is funnier)…

Well, other highlights include torture in the dungeon, a midget in a dress, and the
Queen taking off her strange red wig and showing us a rather “butch” short haircut.
She has a “head of hair” for every occasion, and watching her bewig (and de-wig)
herself is fun.  On a couple of occasions, I swear she looks JUST like “Lucille Ball”…
Even acts like her too !

The following dialogue is from the film:  (Well, give or take a word or two).

~ 

The Queen: “What is going on with Spain ?”

Sir Walter Raleigh:  “They are going to attack.”

The Queen:  “Waaaaaaaah !”

Sir Walter Raleigh:  “They have some ’splainin to do !”

 


Lucille Ball

 


The Queen, Going To A Ball

 

The climax of this movie is great, with a ship battle royale !  Sir Walter Raleigh
looks (and acts) more like a pirate than a ship’s captain, as he commands the
British Fleet dressed like “Errol Flynn”.  Even the Queen shows up in full armor,
and a major thrashing ensues…

EVERYONE gets spanked accept for the Queen, who at the end of our story
remains a “virgin”…  I hope this girl sees some action before the next film
comes along.  She says (something) to the affect of, “England is now my
husband”.  Kinky…  That’s a LOT of people. 

“Golden Age” is a breathtaking epic, and it earned Cate Blanchett yet
another Best Actress nomination !  The direction is superb, the costumes
are mind-blowing, the score is phenomenal and the midget is really  
cool.  (But of course, here at “Critical Corner”, midgets are ALWAYS a
plus)…

Don’t miss it, (now out on DVD) !  “Elizabeth:  The Golden Age”  RULES !!!

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “10″ out of “10″

 

 

 

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