~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s Crowning Achievement: Elizabeth: The Golden Age
WOW ! This is NOT your parent’s “Elizabeth” movie… For those of you that
think a film from this genre will be boring, think again ! “Elizabeth: The
Golden Age” features beheadings, bewiggings, swashbuckling and midgets in
fancy dress ! It’s (sort of) like “Pirates of the Caribbean” meets “Jackass Number
Two” ! I was thrilled and mesmerized by this flick, a movie that tells the tale of
“Queen Elizabeth I” during the 1580’s. This is a sequel to “Elizabeth”, the Oscar
nominated 1998 masterpiece that launched Cate Blanchett’s career…
You might be asking yourself, “What is a bewigging ?” Well, that is the act of
“putting on one’s wig”… But we will get to that a little later.
Cate once again stars as Elizabeth, a queen who prances around in funny
outfits (and yes, a rather strange wig), but who also really knows how to
Our story begins with “Queen Elizabeth I” trying to land herself a husband, so
we find her with many suitors coming to her castle bearing gifts. She seems
content, but we soon learn she wants to lose the title of “Virgin Queen”.
(C’mon now. She’s The Queen for God’s sake ! All she has to do is snap her
fingers to get “some”) ! Problem is, she wants to remain chaste until the right
guy comes along. Sigh… Yet ANOTHER hopeless romantic. Probably a fan of
“Sex in the City”. Regardless, The Big “E” is now in her forties, and I’d think
that even the court jester would start to look good at this point. * I myself
find jesters rather HOT… With their suggestive “bell hats” and naughty
“tickle feathers” !
This Queen Is No DRAG !
In the midst of Elizabeth’s “man-hunting”, Spain is plotting against England…
The religious fanatics behind the Inquisition want to oust the Queen… (And I don’t
mean spray her with deodorizer)… They want her GONE, and they want her cousin
on the throne instead.
Her cousin is none other than “Scott, Queen of the Marys”. Oops… I mean,
“A Merry Queen Named Scott”… No… That’s not right either. Give me a second
to look it up… Hmmm… OK. Her cousin is Mary, Queen of Scots. Spain is just
crazy about Mary, but she can’t be “England’s True Queen” as long as Elizabeth
is alive. So, Mary tries to have her competition killed. Elizabeth doesn’t like
this and orders Mary’s execution on the chopping block.
~ Soon after, poor Mary is forced into “giving head” for her country. ~
All of this causes an uproar in Spain, so a GIANT fleet of ships unlike any ever
before seen (The Spanish Armada) is dispatched to attack England, but our Queen
is ready for them. Historical Fact: Elizabeth’s motto was “Video et taceo”, which
means… Um… Darn it…
I’m NOT going to look something else up ! What it logically translates to is: “I eat
tacos, and have silent (but deadly) gas”. This is evident in her impassioned threat to
one of the Spanish Ambassadors, when she says, “I too, can command the wind sir !
I have a HURRICANE in me that will strip Spain bare when you dare to try me !”
(Now THAT sounds like a farting contest challenge).
Flatulence aside, the Queen plots her defense strategy, sometimes wearing what
appears to be a shower curtain (complete with rods). At other times, she looks like
a peacock on steroids (with plumage aplenty). Regardless of what our hero has on,
we get to see every side of this monarch. Her strengths are many, and I was very
impressed with the powerful performance by Cate Blanchett. She really dominates
every single scene she is in, even when showing weakness. We have a real “three
dimensional” character here. This Queen is more accessible (and human) than she
was in the first “Elizabeth” outing.
Her main love interest is an explorer named “Sir Walter Raleigh”, played with great
charm by Clive Owen. Being so smitten by the Queen, he names one of the colonies
in the New World after her… “Virginia” (because she is allegedly a “virgin” queen).
What would he name it if he found out she lost her virginity ? “Got-Laida” ? LOL !
(She makes a similar joke, but mine is funnier)…
Well, other highlights include torture in the dungeon, a midget in a dress, and the
Queen taking off her strange red wig and showing us a rather “butch” short haircut.
She has a “head of hair” for every occasion, and watching her bewig (and de-wig)
herself is fun. On a couple of occasions, I swear she looks JUST like “Lucille Ball”…
Even acts like her too !
The following dialogue is from the film: (Well, give or take a word or two).
The Queen: “What is going on with Spain ?”
Sir Walter Raleigh: “They are going to attack.”
The Queen: “Waaaaaaaah !”
Sir Walter Raleigh: “They have some ‘splainin to do !”
The Queen, Going To A Ball
The climax of this movie is great, with a ship battle royale ! Sir Walter Raleigh
looks (and acts) more like a pirate than a ship’s captain, as he commands the
British Fleet dressed like “Errol Flynn”. Even the Queen shows up in full armor,
and a major thrashing ensues…
EVERYONE gets spanked accept for the Queen, who at the end of our story
remains a “virgin”… I hope this girl sees some action before the next film
comes along. She says (something) to the affect of, “England is now my
husband”. Kinky… That’s a LOT of people.
“Golden Age” is a breathtaking epic, and it earned Cate Blanchett yet
another Best Actress nomination ! The direction is superb, the costumes
are mind-blowing, the score is phenomenal and the midget is really
cool. (But of course, here at “Critical Corner”, midgets are ALWAYS a
Don’t miss it, (now out on DVD) ! “Elizabeth: The Golden Age” RULES !!!
Would I Recommend This ? Yes
Daniel’s Critical Rating: “10” out of “10”