Back Off… She Is Not An Hors D’oeuvres !
Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Getting A Waxing Today: The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Imagine if you will, a little old lady walking slowly through the woods. She is
hunched over, with locks of grayish hair cascading down her huge dowager’s
hump. On her tiny, shriveled nose sits a disgusting wart. A wart that she’s
been pickin’ at (with gnarled, bony fingers) for days on end. Sadly, without
anybody to drive her to bingo, how else can she spend her time ?
She wanders into a field, reminiscing about her spent youth… Forgotten so
it seems, as almost everyone she knew has passed. An album of obituaries
now replaces her Christmas card list… With a glazed eye fixed forward, she
plods ahead, dragging a small metallic tank over sticks and rocks.
All is silent, with the exception of the rhythmic hiss of her oxygen machine,
forcing life’s air into her withered lungs… There is also a very light slapping
noise as her drooping melons hit her recently replaced knees ! This granny
rests for a second, and is startled when a hand gently touches her ancient
shoulder. It’s her young stud of a lover. He remembered their rendezvous.
No, I am not talking about Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher… I am talking
about Bella, the heroine of “The Twilight Saga: New Moon”. Bella’s having
visions of her possible grim future with her funny lookin’ undead boyfriend.
Indeed, she is a mortal dating a nauseating nosferatu.
This dud’s dude’s name is Edward Cullen (played uninterestingly by Robert
Pattinson) and if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear he was a “Chia Pet”.
Bella’s a pretty teenage girl without a care in the world who really wants
to invent new ways of suffering (played depressingly by Kristen Stewart)
I mean, happiness is so 2006 !
She moves to a dark town and drives some old beat-up truck, but that’s
not tragic enough for this chick. Finding a cold, pale neck-sucker is her
cup of black tea. Her man might not have a pulse, but he does leave a
mean hickey !
Of course, she wants to become a vampire herself. That’s a mighty big
commitment sweetheart ! With the divorce rate as high as it is, turning
yourself into “Dracula’s Darling” could be a disaster… What if you really
aren’t that compatible ? What if you grow apart after eighty years ?
It would be like one of those guys who gets a tattoo of his “true love’s”
name on his chest when he is nineteen !!! At age forty he is married to
Sue but still inked with Brenda’s moniker. Ha Ha !!! What a twit. Bella
doesn’t see it like that though… The last thing she wants is to be some
hag hangin’ with a hunk.
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^ Bella Today
^ Bella In Thirty Years
^ Bella In Sixty Years
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Edward gets tired of Bella’s nagging, and decides to bail… He leaves town,
forcing her into the arms of a sexy young werewolf !!! (Yes, she is basically
every parent’s worst nightmare). Her dad has to sit on the porch holding a
rifle filled with silver bullets. At least he can finally toss out that garlic !
Speaking of garlic, each time Edward and Bella lock lips, it looks as if one of
them has eaten an anchovy pizza with extra onions !!! Honestly, they both
react like someone’s going to barf… Remember when Edward first met Bella
in “Twilight” ? He actually gagged ! (But then again, who didn’t) ? I think
it’s because to him, she smells like a hamburger and he’s now a vegetarian.
That is probably why Edward does not care much for werewolf Jacob Black,
played by Taylor Lautner in a meaty role. Jacob has a thing for Bella, and
almost wins her heart. The problem is, even though he’s a beast, he’s also
an attractive and spontaneous guy… BIG turn-off for our peculiar princess.
With Count Spankula out of the picture, Bella becomes rather blue ! There
is a wonderfully cliché scene where she looks outside her bedroom window,
watching the seasons change without word from Edward. Jacob’s ready to
cheer her up, and does so by getting a decent haircut and fixing her bike…
(She still frowns and probably listens to “Bauhaus” albums backwards) !
Bella… Lugosi’s Dead. But I’m Here For You !
Soon, the once boring Bella channels “Evel Knievel” and becomes a totally
wild adrenalin junkie. She realizes that whenever she’s close to death, her
batty boyfriend materializes for a minute or two ! Talk about putting “fun”
back in dysfunctional !!!
Things get really crazy when some icky blood-slurping fiends come after
our odd bunch… Fur starts to fly as Jacob does battle with beatniks from
beyond the grave. Arguably, some moments at times are pretty exciting,
and this flick’s soundtrack punctuates the action perfectly.
During one melee, it appears as if Bella has died. She is OK, but Edward
thinks she has passed away… He feels guilty for leaving her, and for not
turning her into a vampire. Overwhelmed with grief, he decides to end it
all (but not before finally taking a walk on the wild side) !
He rips his clothes off and goes streaking in front of a parade. Perhaps
“Macy’s” needed higher ratings this year ? Some little brat points at him
and laughs, causing the chastised Cullen to retreat towards a castle.
While there, poor Edward must go on trial in front of a panel of vampires
so diabolical, that even the “American Idol” judges would cringe at the
thought… Known as the “Volturi”, this VILE coven rules with an iron fist
and polished fang. They want to rip Edward’s head off for hanging out
with humans and running around nude in public.
Hmmm… I wonder what they would do to Adam Lambert ? Anyway, it
looks like Bella’s Fella is in hot water. Will he survive ? I won’t give any
spoilers. But if you are one of the millions that’s already read Stephenie
Meyer’s young-adult romance series, you know what happens… Kind of
cool (and kind of silly) these moody weirdos have me looking forward to
2010′s “Eclipse” !
Although made of cheese, “New Moon” is not “Twilight’s” last gleaming !
Would I Recommend This ? Yes
Daniel’s Critical Rating: “7″ out of “10″