Splice Age: The Letdown
Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Today’s Cautionary Tail: Splice
I must admit, noticing that a science fiction flick was being included in this
season’s rotation came as such a welcome sight, breaking up what (so far)
could only be called The Summer of Same. Sadly, “The Fly” director David
Cronenberg has been defiled as Vincenzo Natali regurgitates his old ideas…
“Splice” is just an unnecessary retread of his 1986 bugaboo classic, laden
with some naughty new twists !!! Vincenzo should have titled this ghastly
endeavor “The Fly: Unzipped”. And after having to suffer through it, I was
super thankful it wasn’t in 3-D !!! There are some things that should never
be in your face (with Adrien Brody’s nose topping the list).
Please do be warned: There are plenty of spoilers ahead in this review, of
something so cheesy it can only be called a Muenster movie !!! Make NO
mistake… This is not very Gouda. If you’re wanting cheap thrills, odd sex
and a terrifying beast, check out Lady Gaga’s “Alejandro” video. Heck, it’s
merely eight minutes long and free.
Indeed, this misguided creature feature turns DNA into T & A with little or
no explanation. We meet our young heroes, a couple of scientists in love
with each other and filled with a burning passion to help mankind… Wildly
enthusiastic, Clive Nicoli (Adrien Brody) and Elsa Kast (Sarah Polley) view
the world as their own personal petri dish.
Of course, such an interpretation ultimately leads to their undoing… Not
a big surprise there. Working at a pharmaceutical company, both people
have been doing amazing research in genetics ! They even created two
outlandishly large lumps of living flesh called “Fred” and “Ginger”. These
bulbous mounds almost steal the show. I would have named ‘em “Dolly”
and “Parton” !
After pouring themselves a cup of ambition, Clive and Elsa talk about their
desire to have children one day, and perhaps even pets. To save money
on food, they agree to splice something together at the lab that could be
both. Thus, “Dren” is created !
Is It Soup Yet ?
Dren is a strange entity at best. She looks like a Na’vi from “Avatar” with
the blue scrubbed completely off. (Mixed with a small kangaroo and Telly
Savalas) ! She is actually almost cute as a baby, but appearances often
can be deceiving…
Up to a point, the special effects are arguably mesmerizing. The mood is
dark and foreboding, and the plot actually seems to work well with actors
equipt for any task at hand ! Elsa and Clive are oblivious as danger signs
pop up around every corner… Only Clive’s Emo brother Gavin (played by
Brandon McGibbon) notices something is amiss.
Living down at the lab and wearing a dress, Dren starts to develop many
human characteristics. She is treated as a real kid by her creators, but
becomes increasingly more aggressive despite everyone’s best efforts…
The frustrated scientists eventually decide to raise her in a barn, whilst
apparently reenacting scenes from Jodie Foster’s “Nell”.
For a while, everything’s fine. Clive goes to work, and Elsa sports a hat
straight out of the movie “Fargo”. Dren becomes good at Scrabble, but
she is terrible at Clue and even worse in regards to Trivial Pursuit. Her
genetics are sped way up, so puberty hits within weeks. Inevitably she
outgrows children’s games, wanting fresh air amidst greener pastures !
Elsa won’t stand for it. And this is when our cinema goes South. From
atmospheric to asinine in NO time ! Clive heads to the barn, only to find
poor Dren tied up. She had attacked his girlfriend with her scorpion-like
tail after making a break for the door, and was being punished.
This somehow turns Clive on. He breaks out a romantic record and then
gets Jiggy with Dren ! She sprouts wings, and with her horned tail they
hang against the wall doing unmentionable things ! Needless to say, my
mouth fell open in shock as the audience burst into hearty laughter. It
looked like Toucan Sam was wrestling with Sinead O’Connor !!!
^ Exclusive To The Splice Channel
What was in that Red Bull anyway ? I mean, Dr. Frankenstein, eat your
heart out. End of scary movie… Start of comedy. Elsa stumbles upon
this “love-fest”, and hijinks ensue ! Clive has some ‘splainin’ to do !!!
Weird ! I understand mixing things together (to a degree). But did the
makers of Reese’s Pieces ever stick more than chocolate in the peanut
butter ? Probably not… And when creating Aquafresh, did people get
aroused by the stripes ? Doubtful ! Although anything is more exciting
when dealing with tartar control.
Control, however, is no longer in this equation (tartar or otherwise) !!!
It appears that Dren has had a taste of the good life and wants more.
Realistically speaking, if Adrien Brody floats your boat, there isn’t too
much left out there for you. Perhaps Gerard Depardieu after a couple
of beers, but that’s a stretch !
Before getting any second dates, our curious critter inexplicably drops
over dead… Clive, Elsa and Gavin all breathe a sigh of relief, but then
the fools go and bury her in what turns out to be Stephen King’s “Pet
It’s no big shock when Dren returns from the grave seeking vengeance,
but what she’s now packing might make your jaw drop. (To be on the
safe side, I’d close it quickly) !!! Her boobs have fallen off, and faster
than you can say “Chastity Bono” she has developed a willy.
Yep. Dren is now a dude. His twig and berries flapping in the wind as
he flies over the countryside, searching for victims. He murders a few
key characters, and even molests poor Elsa in the process. Not since
“The Rocky Horror Picture Show” has a monster groped so many of its
Hmmm… I wonder what the moral of this story really is ? Do not play
with genetics, you may see some wild action !?! Or, Don’t experiment
around beakers clearly labeled “Jenna Jameson’s Hormone Samples” (if
watching “The Crying Game”) ! Regardless of the answer, this gender
bender should have stayed in the test tube…
Definitely more peepshow than creepshow, “Splice” is a melded mess.
Would I Recommend This ? No
Daniel’s Critical Rating: “3″ out of “10″