Daniel's Critical Corner

May 8, 2012

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Marvel’s The Avengers”

Filed under: Film,Reviews — Daniel @ 8:00 pm
Tags: , ,

Back In Black

Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome to Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Suiting Up Today: Marvel’s The Avengers 

Fanboys around the world, it is time to rejoice !  Nerds, bask in the glory !
Geeks, dust off those action figures !  “Marvel’s The Avengers” has arrived.
More rewarding than Free Comic Book Day, and shinier than unobtainium !
This film is incredible…  A surefire SMASH !  Yes, those were some blatant
“Hulk” references !!!

Indeed, a multitude of people were holding their breath (until they turned
green) while anticipating our gathering of superheroes.  Samuel L. Jackson
has been dangled in everybody’s face for four years, promising us amazing
things.  Usually, Mr. Jackson does not like to be dangled !

 He’s made appearances in “Iron Man”, “Thor” (and even “Captain America:
The First Avenger”).  Jackson’s always rambling on about something called
The Avenger Initiative. He peddles that idea as if he were selling “Amway”
or “Avon”.  And, if his plans tanked, selling makeup would probably be his
next career move.

Anyway, Jackson stars as “Odin”, the ruler of Asgard (and Thor’s father) !!!
He is also the father of…  Whoops !  Wait a second.  Anthony Hopkins plays
Thor’s dad…  It’s that darn eyepatch that mixes me up each time.  Jackson
portrays “Nick Furry”…  I mean “Fury” !  He’s not “Furry”, the man is bald !

But that is neither hair nor there.  Nick Fury is the director of the Strategic
Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division !  They just call
it “S.H.I.E.L.D.” for short.  This triumph of an action flick actually starts off
rather low-key (or, should I say, “Loki”) as Fury encounters a bad guy who
wants to steal his magic ice cube.

Loki (Thor’s evil bro) has dropped in to get his hands on that glowing blue
square known as “The Tesseract” !  Tom Hiddleston plays Loki (who is loco
in the cabeza).  But, his cabeza is well adorned with a killer helmet !  Fury
gets blindsided (pun intended) and his powerful thingy falls right into the
clutches of dastardly (if not impeccably dressed) villains.

How does one combat such treachery and high fashion !?  Find just a few
haute couture costumed-crusaders of your own, of course !

~

I Was Told They Would Make Me A Star.

~

As good fortune would have it, Fury has several colorful characters on speed
dial.  “Speed” being a key word, because these folks can run (and fly) pretty
fast !!!  There’s “Charlie Chaplin” (played by Robert Downey Jr.) also known
as “Iron Man”.  He doubles as “Sherlock Holmes” on occasion, so this is one
busy fellow.  Joining Holmes is “Captain America” (Chris Evans).

Captain America has been thrust into the future.  An odd world that’s given
him the red, white and blues.  He was a boogie woogie bugle boy, but after
dozing off for almost 70 years he does not feel like tootin’ his own horn !  If
nothing else, this guy needs to feel useful in today’s society.

After all, the man was actually frozen for decades.  Good thing.  Otherwise,
Mickey Rooney would have been hired to portray him.  Captain America was
a puny weakling at one point in his life (until the U.S. military experimented
on him with a bizarre strength serum).  Now, he is one tough cookie !!!

Weaving her way into this growing group of goody-goodies is the lovely and
alluring “Black Widow”.  Scarlett Johansson puts an interesting spin on the
iconic spy.  As “Natasha Romanoff”, she’s Russian to find every dangerous
criminal.  Widow is only armed with martial arts, a tiny gun and some dude
(who channels Daniel Craig) whilst shooting arrows !

To keep environmentalists off their back, the group promises to go green…
Naturally, they enlist the “Hulk” !!!  I think because he recycles !?  Anyway,
the jolly green giant is (once again) voiced by Lou Ferrigno.  As for the guy
who plays his moody alter ego, “Bruce Banner”, we now have Mark Ruffalo.
Edward Norton was perfect in 2008 (these days, he’s just 2000 and late) !
Eric Bana was good too, but Ruffalo nails it.

~

I Just Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore !

~

The Hulk almost steals the show.  Everyone gets plenty of quality face time,
but (much to my surprise) Hulk just plain rocks !!!  To round out this heroic
posse, is yet another name on the roster.  While flying in their craft, several
members of our gallant gang think they hit a bird during a lightning storm !
Nope.  They’ve smacked into the god of thunder.  And boy, is he “Thor” !!!

Thor (Chris Hemsworth) swings his hammer to save the day (only because
he can’t find his baseball bat) !  Backing up this stellar star and his cohorts
are “Agent Phil Coulson” (Clark Gregg),  Iron Man’s computerized assistant
“J.A.R.V.I.S.” (Paul Bettany) and Iron Man’s seemingly always barefoot love
interest “Pepper Potts” (Gwyneth Paltrow).  “Hawkeye” (Jeremy Renner) is
Natasha Romanoff’s exceptional archer.

Even Sir Michael Caine has returned, playing the noble manservant, “Alfred
Pennyworth”.  He’s always putting in his two cents !  Ha !!!  Um…  Whoops,
wrong movie (heck, wrong universe) !  I’m already starting to get multiple
angry phone calls.  Sheesh.  Good thing I didn’t ask why “Wonder Woman”
wasn’t in this extravaganza.

It has been said that too many cooks spoil the broth.  Not the case here !!!
Each superhero brings something unique to the mix (and everything blends
harmoniously).  Sure, there are HUGE egos to contend with, and there are
plenty of grand fights amongst The Avengers themselves.  They do resolve
their issues (sometimes by duking it out) and that is half the fun !

Collectively, these warriors are able to thwart Loki’s fiendish plot.  Loki and
some random “Other” guy are planning on ruling mankind !!!  The second
dude’s name is indeed “The Other”, just for the record !  The Avengers are
shocked when a huge orifice opens up in the sky and nasty creatures start
flying out…  Very similar to Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” video !

This flick’s graphics are nothing short of dazzling !  The audience is treated
to eye-popping special effects.  Hmm… That might explain what happened
with Thor’s father and Nick Fury !  Solid performances, dynamic chemistry
between the actors (and director Joss Whedon’s sense of humor) made it
all very much worth the wait.

So, start Romanoff towards the theater to see “Marvel’s The Avengers” !

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  10 out of 10

~  ~  ~

January 3, 2012

Daniel’s Critical Corner: The Best of 2011

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 7:00 pm
Tags: , ,

Darn Patch !  I’ve Only Seen Half Of These Movies !

Happy New Year Everyone !!!
~ Welcome to Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Raise Your Glass ! Drop Your Ball !  Prop Up Dick Clark !
Let’s Celebrate The Best of 2011 !!!

Looks like another New Year has pounced on us.  Hopefully, the outgoing
year has left you unscathed (and unoccupied) !!!  I myself felt the brunt of
many protesters’ scorn throughout 2011.  But that’s only because I belong
to the “one percent” of film critics who are consistently spot-on, witty and
humble !  Ha-ha !!!

To be honest, it was almost impossible to go wrong with movie reviews in
2011…  There were several fantastic cinematic offerings !!!  Sadly, there
were quite a few melancholy events too.  A cloud of despair hovered over
Hollywood after Dame Elizabeth Taylor passed away.  Or, perhaps, it was
just a cloud of her signature perfume, “White Diamonds”.

Speaking of clouds, did anyone happen to see that giant fog bank hanging
over Sinead O’Connor’s short-lived marriage in Vegas ?  It wasn’t another
misting of “White Diamonds”…  It was more like “Tainted Turquoise” !!!

There were royal screw-ups (and royal weddings).  Time to shine a light
on the flicks that helped us get through everything.

Here are The Best of 2011 !!!

~

***********************************************************

~

Fast Five

Number Five is alive !

~

You Only Gave Me A Dime For My Tooth !

 ~

*********************************************************

~

My Week with Marilyn

As in “Monroe”.  Not “Manson” !

~

**********************************************************

~

War Horse

My eyes were glued to the screen.

~

**********************************************************

~

Thor

I’m glad I thaw it in 3D !

~

*********************************************************

~

The Muppets

It IS easy being green.

~

How Thrilling !!!

~

***********************************************************

~

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark

It’s just a rolling blackout.

~

***********************************************************

~

Source Code

Might interrupt your train of thought.

~

***********************************************************

~

Winnie the Pooh

This hunny of a film is short but sweet !

~

************************************************************

~

X-Men: First Class

Really brings home the “Bacon” !

~

That Smurf I Ate Is Starting To Disagree With Me.

~

*************************************************************

~

Jane Eyre

Nothing beats a good Eyre day !

~

***********************************************************

~ That concludes my top ten of 2011 ~

 But wait…  There are still plenty of “Honorable Mentions”  !

~ Hugo
The Help ~
~ Fright Night
The Descendants ~
~ Captain America: The First Avenger
Moneyball ~
~ Green Lantern
Gnomeo & Juliet ~
~ Bridesmaids
Cars 2 ~
~ Midnight in Paris
Rango ~

~

************************************************************
~

I am almost done with my “Year in Review” ! Now, here’s the moment you
have not been waiting for, “The Rear in Your View”.  The worst of 2011 !!!

My vote for the lousiest flick of the year goes to “Shark Night 3D”.  It was
really hard to digest.

Dishonorable Mentions:

~ New Year’s Eve
Sucker Punch ~
~ Something Borrowed
Jack and Jill ~

~

Ha-ha !!!  Ok, bring on 2012 !!!  Happy New Year  !!!

:-)

Daniel’s Critical Corner:  Always a “10″ out of “10″ !!!

~

April 18, 2011

Daniel’s Critical Corner: Alive and Kicking*

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 2:00 pm
Tags: ,

No, We Didn’t Start The Fire…  We Invented It.

 Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome to Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Today’s Status Report: Alive and Kicking*

* Probably just an involuntary reflex.

Since the recent tragic passing of Dame Elizabeth Taylor, I have been in a bit
of a funk.  She was an incredible actress, adored by the entire world…  Every
movie she starred in captivated us all.  Men desired her, and women tried to
emulate her unique style.  Heck, women desired her too (they were known as
Lizbians) !

Yes, we have lost many notable folks over the past few years.  Which might
explain why several news agencies (incorrectly) claimed that Taylor was the
very last big actress from Hollywood’s “Golden Age”.  Upon hearing this, film
historians everywhere had a total hissy fit.

There are plenty of grand gals that still walk among us.  Well…  Some of ‘em
find themselves being pushed among us in wheelchairs, or scooting forward
in Hoverounds.  Mind you, they breathe the same air as you and I…  OK, so
half of their air actually comes from a canister of some sort.  No worries !

The important thing is they are around.  Let’s no longer lament over Liz, but
let us love these legendary leading ladies !!!

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Look…  I Finally Changed My Profile Pic !

 

^ Luise Rainer ~ Age: 101

* The very first person to win back-to-back Oscars
(Best Actress, 1936 and 1937).

* Oldest living Academy Award recipient.

* The always beautiful Luise recently did an interview
saying she loved “The King’s Speech”…  I hope her hearing
aide was on !

Starred in: “The Great Ziegfeld” (1936)
“The Good Earth” (1937)
“Dramatic School” (1938)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Who Just Called Me A Stewardess ?

 

^ Lauren Bacall ~ Age: 86

* She was married to screen legend Humphrey Bogart.

* Last surviving actress mentioned in Madonna’s 1990
hit song “Vogue”.

* Has a new film coming out later this year (“Carmel”).

Starred in:  “The Big Sleep” (1946)
“Key Largo” (1948)
“Misery” (1990)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Ouch…  I Bwoke A Toof !

 

^ Shirley Temple ~ Age: 83

* Yes, Shirley Temple is still alive !

* United States Ambassador to Czechoslovakia in 1989.

* If a drink were named after her now, it would have to be
something along the lines of “Ensure”.

Starred in: “Bright Eyes” (1934)
“Curly Top” (1935)
“Since You Went Away” (1944)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Such A Gorgeous Day !

 

^ Doris Day ~ Age: 88

* Top-ranking female box office star of all time.

* Notable animal rights advocate.

* She just opened a horse sanctuary in Texas.  Rumor has it
   that Daniel Radcliffe has been banned from the grounds for
undisclosed reasons.

Starred in: “Romance on the High Seas” (1948)
“The Man Who Knew Too Much” (1956)
“Pillow Talk” (1959)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

What’s Keeping My Flower On ?

 

^ Maureen O’Hara ~ Age: 90

* Irish American Actress.

* One of John Wayne’s best friends.

* Played in a 1942 flick called “The Black Swan”.  When
she went to watch what she thought was a 2010 remake of
her film, she almost had a heart attack !

Starred in: “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” (1939)
“Miracle on 34th Street” (1947)
“The Quiet Man” (1952)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

I Do Have A Checkered Past.

 

^ Barbara Kent ~ Age: 104

* One of our last living silent film stars.

* She refuses to give interviews.  When asked why, she just
pouts her lips (whilst blinking rapidly).

Starred in: “Flesh and the Devil” (1926)
“No Man’s Law” (1927)
“Oliver Twist” (1933)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Yes, I Am Seeing Your Hairdresser !

 

^ Olivia de Havilland ~ Age: 94

* Born in Tokyo, Japan.

* Had a crush on frequent co-star Errol Flynn.

* Whenever she passes gas, people shout out “Another one,
gone with the wind” !!!

Starred in: “Gone With the Wind” (1939)
“The Snake Pit” (1948)
“Hush… Hush, Sweet Charlotte” (1964)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Yikes !  What Is That On Your Head ?

 

^ Joan Fontaine ~ Age: 93

* Olivia de Havilland’s sister.

* Joan hates Olivia (and Olivia hates Joan).

* When Joan filmed “Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea” in
1961,  Olivia wanted her to stay there.

Starred in: “The Women” (1939)
“Rebecca” (1940)
“Suspicion” (1941)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

There you have it, eight Greats not yet at the Pearly Gates !  I could have
added several more (such as Esther Williams or Deanna Durbin) but then my
posting would’ve gone on forever…  As I hope all of these ladies do !!!

~

 

 

January 1, 2011

Daniel’s Critical Corner: The Best of 2010

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 7:00 pm
Tags: , ,

 True Grid

 *********************************************************
Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Getting Uncorked Today: The Best of 2010

As folks bid adieu to 2010, let us take a look back at the cinematic treasures
we were offered (while awaiting the gems 2011 surely will bring) !!!  This New
Year’s Eve found me watching a cult classic, “Night of the Living Dead” !  You
 probably saw it too…  A pale, bloodthirsty zombie was staring at the screen,
propped up by what appeared to be Ryan Seacrest.  Scary !

There were other zombies on hand to do some singing and dancing.  This was
more than likely the “unrated director’s cut” because I don’t remember any of
that in the original film.  Many undead creatures were wearing trappings from
the 1990′s (I assume the garments they were buried in).  They all started to
wail about “The Right Stuff”, whilst hunting feverishly for brains…

Ha !  Of course, I’m actually talkin’ about “Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Chair” special !
Featuring NKOTB, Backstreet Boys and plenty of old Dick  !!!  He helped say
goodbye to a year that brought us Susan Boyle’s “The Gift” (I hope you kept
the receipt).  Weren’t we also treated to an odd psychic octopus !?  No, I’m
not talking about La Toya Jackson.

At any rate, there were tons of fantastic flicks this year, with the following
being the BEST !

 

*********************************************************

 Shutter Island

People shutter at the mere thought of it !!!

 

I, Um, Cut Myself Shaving…

 

******************************************************

True Grit

Jeff Bridges can Duke it out with the best of ‘em.

******************************************************

The Town

Ben Affleck paints it red !

******************************************************

Despicable Me

It’s so FLUFFY !

******************************************************

How to Train Your Dragon

Ugh, I said Dragon, not “Drag Queen” !

 

Ready To Watch Me Breathe Fire Baby !?

 

*******************************************************

Inception

This movie is a dream come true.

*******************************************************

The Social Network

The ultimate face-off.

*******************************************************

Toy Story 3

A lightyear ahead of the rest !

*******************************************************

Winter’s Bone

Features some chilling performances…

*******************************************************

It’s Kind of a Funny Story

And it’s kind of clever to boot !

 

Whoa !  I Can See Russia From Here !!!

 

*****************************************************

~ That concludes my top ten of 2010 ~
But wait…  It’s “Honorable Mention” time !!!

~ Leap Year
Megamind ~
~ Step Up 3D
TRON: Legacy ~
~ Date Night
La Mission ~
~ The Fighter
Tangled ~
~ The Sorcerer’s Apprentice
Machete ~
~ Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
Faster ~
~ Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
Red ~
~ The King’s Speech
Nanny McPhee Returns ~
~ Unstoppable 
The Wolfman ~
~ Predators
The Other Guys ~

************************************************************

And finally, the moment you have not been waiting for.  My vote for worst
flick of the year…  It’s going to be “The Last Airbender”, which managed to
bend only flatulence !  Followed very closely by “Splice”.

~

 It doesn’t really matter if a movie is good or bad, you will always find the
 best reviews here at Daniel’s Critical Corner, where the writings are often
 just as shameless as my blatant self-promotion.  LOL !!!

 Happy 2011 To All !!!

 

 

June 14, 2010

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Splice”

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 8:00 pm
Tags: , ,


Splice Age: The Letdown

Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Today’s Cautionary Tail:  Splice

I must admit, noticing that a science fiction flick was being included in this
season’s rotation came as such a welcome sight, breaking up what (so far)
could only be called The Summer of Same.  Sadly, “The Fly” director David
Cronenberg has been defiled as Vincenzo Natali regurgitates his old ideas…

“Splice” is just an unnecessary retread of his 1986 bugaboo classic, laden
with some naughty new twists !!!  Vincenzo should have titled this ghastly
endeavor “The Fly: Unzipped”.  And after having to suffer through it, I was
super thankful it wasn’t in 3-D !!!  There are some things that should never
be in your face (with Adrien Brody’s nose topping the list).

Please do be warned:  There are plenty of spoilers ahead in this review, of
something so cheesy it can only be called a Muenster movie !!!  Make NO
mistake…  This is not very Gouda.  If you’re wanting cheap thrills, odd sex
and a terrifying beast, check out Lady Gaga’s “Alejandro” video.  Heck, it’s
merely eight minutes long and free.

Indeed, this misguided creature feature turns DNA into T & A with little or
no explanation.  We meet our young heroes, a couple of scientists in love
with each other and filled with a burning passion to help mankind…  Wildly
enthusiastic, Clive Nicoli (Adrien Brody) and Elsa Kast (Sarah Polley) view
the world as their own personal petri dish.

Of course, such an interpretation ultimately leads to their undoing…  Not
a big surprise there.  Working at a pharmaceutical company, both people
have been doing amazing research in genetics !  They even created two
outlandishly large lumps of living flesh called “Fred” and “Ginger”.  These
bulbous mounds almost steal the show.  I would have named ‘em “Dolly”
and “Parton” !

After pouring themselves a cup of ambition, Clive and Elsa talk about their
desire to have children one day, and perhaps even pets.  To save money
on food, they agree to splice something together at the lab that could be
both.  Thus, “Dren” is created !

 

Is It Soup Yet ?

 

Dren is a strange entity at best.  She looks like a Na’vi from “Avatar” with
the blue scrubbed completely off.  (Mixed with a small kangaroo and Telly
Savalas) !  She is actually almost cute as a baby, but appearances often
can be deceiving…

Up to a point, the special effects are arguably mesmerizing.  The mood is
dark and foreboding, and the plot actually seems to work well with actors
equipt for any task at hand !  Elsa and Clive are oblivious as danger signs
pop up around every corner…  Only Clive’s Emo brother Gavin (played by
Brandon McGibbon) notices something is amiss.

Living down at the lab and wearing a dress, Dren starts to develop many
human characteristics.  She is treated as a real kid by her creators, but
becomes increasingly more aggressive despite everyone’s best efforts…
The frustrated scientists eventually decide to raise her in a barn, whilst
apparently reenacting scenes from Jodie Foster’s “Nell”.

For a while, everything’s fine.  Clive goes to work, and Elsa sports a hat
straight out of the movie “Fargo”.  Dren becomes good at Scrabble, but
she is terrible at Clue and even worse in regards to Trivial Pursuit.  Her
genetics are sped way up, so puberty hits within weeks.  Inevitably she
outgrows children’s games, wanting fresh air amidst greener pastures !

Elsa won’t stand for it.  And this is when our cinema goes South.  From
atmospheric to asinine in NO time !  Clive heads to the barn, only to find
poor Dren tied up.  She had attacked his girlfriend with her scorpion-like
tail after making a break for the door, and was being punished.

This somehow turns Clive on.  He breaks out a romantic record and then
gets Jiggy with Dren !  She sprouts wings, and with her horned tail they
hang against the wall doing unmentionable things !  Needless to say, my
mouth fell open in shock as the audience burst into hearty laughter.  It
looked like Toucan Sam was wrestling with Sinead O’Connor !!!

 

^ Exclusive To The Splice Channel

 

What was in that Red Bull anyway ?  I mean, Dr. Frankenstein, eat your
heart out.  End of scary movie…  Start of comedy.  Elsa stumbles upon
this “love-fest”, and hijinks ensue !  Clive has some ‘splainin’ to do !!!

Weird !  I understand mixing things together (to a degree).  But did the
makers of Reese’s Pieces ever stick more than chocolate in the peanut
butter  ?  Probably not…  And when creating Aquafresh, did people get
aroused by the stripes ?  Doubtful !  Although anything is more exciting
when dealing with tartar control.

Control, however, is no longer in this equation (tartar or otherwise) !!!
It appears that Dren has had a taste of the good life and wants more.
Realistically speaking, if Adrien Brody floats your boat, there isn’t too
much left out there for you.  Perhaps Gerard Depardieu after a couple
of beers, but that’s a stretch !

Before getting any second dates, our curious critter inexplicably drops
over dead…  Clive, Elsa and Gavin all breathe a sigh of relief, but then
the fools go and bury her in what turns out to be Stephen King’s “Pet
Sematary”.

 It’s no big shock when Dren returns from the grave seeking vengeance,
but what she’s now packing might make your jaw drop.  (To be on the
safe side, I’d close it quickly) !!!  Her boobs have fallen off, and faster
than you can say “Chastity Bono” she has developed a willy.

Yep.  Dren is now a dude.  His twig and berries flapping in the wind as
he flies over the countryside, searching for victims.  He murders a few
key characters, and even molests poor Elsa in the process.  Not since
“The Rocky Horror Picture Show” has a monster groped so many of its
keepers.

Hmmm…  I wonder what the moral of this story really is ?  Do not play
with genetics, you may see some wild action !?!  Or, Don’t experiment
around beakers clearly labeled “Jenna Jameson’s Hormone Samples” (if
 watching “The Crying Game”) !  Regardless of the answer, this gender 
bender should have stayed in the test tube…

  Definitely more peepshow than creepshow, “Splice” is a melded mess.

  ~

 Would I Recommend This ?  No

 Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “3″ out of “10″

 

 

January 5, 2010

Daniel’s Critical Corner: You Aught to Be in Pictures !

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 9:30 am
Tags: , ,

Hangover-movie-031.jpg The Hangover picture by criticalcorner1
The Tooth Hurts !

Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Even Dick Clark Says:
You Aught to Be in Pictures !
  
Happy New Year, one and all !!!  It is hard to believe that just ten years
ago we partied like it was 1999.  Those were simpler times.  Sigh…  Goin’
to the movies was such a nice treat…  No cell phones, popcorn was still
under $10.00, Tom Hanks had a career and “Terminator Salvation” didn’t
exist !

 Christian Bale’s high-tech flop aside, we sure had darn good reasons for 
braving the lines at our local cineplex…  2009 has capped off a thrilling
decade of film that proved its resilience in an ever-turbulent world.

Yes, despite Janet Jackson’s boob falling out at the Superbowl, movies
were still there.  Remember when we discovered that McDonald’s made
us fat ?  Our escapism made us feel thin !  Going to see “Sex and the
City” eased the pain…  (Even though we cried silently in the darkened
theater with traces of “Big Mac” still on our whiskers).

When Michael Phelps was getting stoned, we were getting high on life !
(Well, vicariously through film at any rate).  Now, I give you the best of
the best, screw the rest.  Let’s start with the most titillating tales from
this past year !!!  Nope, I’m not talking about Balloon Boy or Madonna’s
tryst with Jesus.

  Ladies and Germs, I proudly present the greatest flicks to grace 2009.

  *****************************************************

 The Blind Side

An eye-opening experience !

 

blinds1.jpg picture by criticalcorner1

Erin Brockovich, Eat Your Heart Out !

 

 *****************************************************

Away We Go

Bohemians can be wonderful (when they aren’t singing) !

 *****************************************************

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

 AKA “Harry Potter and the Nursing Home of Incontinence”.

  *****************************************************

Up in the Air

Hmm…  Sounds like a description of Tiger Woods’ Career !

 ******************************************************

My Bloody Valentine 3D

A personal favorite of mine.

 

mybloodyvalentine_dvd_3d_b1.jpg picture by criticalcorner1

Yet Another Great Pick !

 

  *******************************************************

Inglourious Basterds

A hit on Hitler.

* Is my spell-checker working ?

   ******************************************************

The Hurt Locker

This film is no dud !

  ******************************************************

Star Trek

I really spaced out for a moment…

  ******************************************************

Up

Ed Asner in 3D…  Finally !!!

* They must’ve got my letters.

 

up081.jpg picture by criticalcorner1

Ha Ha !  Now I Know Why They Call You An Old Fart !

 

     ***********************************************************

Avatar

True blue entertainment !!!

    ***********************************************************

 That concludes my top ten !
~ Hold your applause.  Let’s take a gander at 2009′s honorable mentions:

Ponyo ~
~ Confessions of a Shopaholic
9 ~
~ Earth
The Proposal ~
~ Michael Jackson’s This Is It
Paranormal Activity ~
~ The Hangover
Orson Welles and Me ~
~ District 9
Transformers: Revenge of
the Fallen ~
~ Precious

   **********************************************************

Now what you’ve all been waiting for…  The Stinker of the Year:

 

mr_hankey_the_christmas_poo1.jpg Mr. Hankey picture by criticalcorner1

 

The envelope please…  OK, the award goes to…  “Bright Star” !  It
should have been called “Tarnished Turd”.  LAME costume drama.
Avoid such crap at all costs !!!

Dishonorable Mentions:

~ Friday the 13th
Observe and Report ~

*******************************************************

Ah, now for the BIG payoff.  You’ve hung on this far, so I shall treat
  you to a fun list featuring 25 of my favorite movies from the 2000′s. 
Good times…  Savor the flavor !

 

article-0-0136364C000004B0-903_468x.jpg picture by criticalcorner1
Yep, Looks Like This Guy Has Nailed It Once More !!!

 

The Simpsons Movie

Kill Bill: Volume 1

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

Finding Nemo

300

Elizabeth: The Golden Age

Spirited Away

Iron Man

Million Dollar Baby

Gosford Park

Pan’s Labyrinth

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Strangers With Candy

The Dark Knight

Elvira’s Haunted Hills

Meet the Parents

Winged Migration

Pirates of the Caribbean

Serenity

There Will Be Blood

Spider-Man 2

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Frailty

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

The Bourne Ultimatum

******************************************************

 Phew !  Seems like I’ve turned Baby New Year on his ear with this page.
 But I am resolved in 2010 to offend your grandmother to dish out some
 more great reviews on relevant movies  !!!  Thanks for reading !!!

~ ~  ~

Daniel’s Critical Corner:  Always a “10″ out of “10″ !

 

 

October 20, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Where the Wild Things Are”

Filed under: Film,Reviews,Spike Jonze — Daniel @ 10:00 pm
Tags: , ,

where_the_wild_things1[1] by you.
Sarah McLachlan (Right) Getting A Hug At “Lilith Fair”

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s Shaggy Schlock:  Where the Wild Things Are

This Halloween season, I’m sure many fine people are going to be wondering
exactly “Where the Wild Things Are”.  Some will take solace in the fact that
they are not all in David Letterman’s dressing room…  Folks can actually find
beasties galore lurking throughout Spike Jonze’s new adaption of the classic
children’s book penned by Maurice Sendak !

At times, this dark flick feels like it was really penned by Jacqueline Susann
(Valley of the Dolls) or Sylvia Plath (The Bell Jar).  This “kid’s” story sure as
bloody HELL did not translate into a kid’s movie…  It’s a PG version of “The
Omen” laced with moments reflecting “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”. I
couldn’t tell if I was watching “The Bad Seed” or “Born Free” !

Our “hero” is some brat named Max.  I disliked this young man about three
minutes or so into the film… For starters, he has some strong anger issues
and his mother dresses him funny.  Little Mad Max is the kind of character
you really want to see get beat up on the playground !  He is not wearing
any jet-black eyeliner yet, but he’s one “Hot Topic” shopping spree away
from becoming EMO !!!

Granted, Max does have a hard life for a child…  We never see him playing
 video games (abnormal) and he doesn’t even seem to own an iPod !!!  This
forces him to build snow forts, play with sticks and use his imagination.  If
I saw my son out in the street playing with a stick, I would just hand his
lunch money to bullies myself.  Sticks are soooo 1952.

Part of the problem stems from his parents being divorced.  Or maybe they
are separated…  I’m not sure.  Whatever the circumstance, Max has ended
 up living with his mom and sister.  One fateful night, this kid sees his mama 
getting groped by some dorky dude on the sofa…

Max freaks out…  But that’s what happens when bodies start slappin’ (from
doin’ the Wild Thing).  She wanna do the Wild Thing !!!  Please, baby baby
please !

 

Tone+Loc[1] by you.
Hangin’ Out Is Always
Hype !

 

Max’s mom and “date” are angry that the boy has ruined their good time…
The traumatized tot tears up the house while his mother attempts to find
  some Prozac (to no avail) !  He proceeds to bite his mommy and then runs 
out into the street, dressed as a squirrel and howling like a banshee.

What happens next is magical…  Sort of.  Cujo Max runs to a waterfront
area where he gets into a boat and sales off to an enchanted world !  In
tragic reality, this twit is having a big medication withdrawal and foaming
at the mouth while laying semi-conscious on a dirty beach.

  His dark, inner demons spring to life in a fantastical fashion !!!  We meet  
odd creatures resembling the “Sid and Marty Krofft” puppets (after being
coated with glue and tossed in a giant pile of Natalie Merchant’s leg-hair
shavings).  This is of course, assuming that Merchant indeed shaves her
legs.

 

504x_wherewildthings[1] by you.
^ Another Avant-Garde “Burger King” Commercial

 

 I mention Natalie Merchant only because of the style of this film’s soundtrack.
It’s kind of folky, but not good old-fashioned granola folky.  It’s like screaming
angry-hippie bongo animal folk !  Folking ridiculous if you ask me…  If I wanted
to be entertained by slightly miffed bohemians, I would watch “Rent”.

Anyway, Max starts to hang out with these large, wild monsters.  All of them
have major problems (but cute names) !!!  Carol (voiced by James Gandolfini)
is the leader of the pack, and he likes to break things…  His girlfriend has left
him (KW, voiced by Lauren Ambrose) so he’s totally bummed out.

Assorted fuzzy (and feathered) friends help Max become king, and Max uses
everything in his power to cheer Carol up !!!  Carol eventually comes around,
but not before ripping someone’s arm off.

At times, “Where the Wild Things Are” reminded me of “Jon & Kate Plus 8″.
Horrible hair, depressing adult situations, assorted goblins running around
and loads of shrieking.  Sad in a way…  Yet not a total loss.  Despite being
far removed from the vibe the book put out, this flick is artfully done.

 

wildthings27crop[1] by you.
How Do You Work This Confounded Camera ?

 

 Beautiful imagery and nice special effects abound.  But the plot’s much too
heavy-handed, and the resolution of everyone’s issues is muddled.  OK, so
the director did something bold and daring.  Kudos to him !  He embellished
on a story we all know and love… (I’m glad he avoided doing Dr. Seuss and
others).

Can you imagine ?  “Horton Hears a Who!” (because of the hallucinogens).
Or, “Clifford the Big Red Dog” (gets taken behind the shed) !!!  How about
 adorable “Curious George” (and the intriguing electrical outlet) ?!!  Perhaps 
the already morose “Velveteen Rabbit” (in a “Fatal Attraction” remake).

Fact is, it’s pretty easy (and in vogue these days) to turn something fun
and lighthearted into a tragedy.  I’d give a cookie to someone who could
do the opposite !  Maybe transform Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Raven” into a
sweet, heartwarming tale of happiness and hope…

 Ha !!!  When I first heard about this project, for some reason I thought 
it was being directed by “Spike Lee” !  Now there’s a movie worth seeing
at any cost.  “Do the Right Wild Thing” ! 

 I’m sure it would have been more entertaining than this incarnation…  Not
 a good film,  not a bad film.  Just an adequate study regarding the effects
of steroids on Teletubbies.

  “Where the Wild Things Are” is full of sound and furry, signifying nothing.

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “6″ out of “10″

 

 

May 26, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Terminator Salvation”

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 8:09 am
Tags: , ,

terminator_salvation_christian_bale_machine[1] by you.
I Wonder If I Could Use This Thing In The “Batcave” ?

 ~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Getting Blasted Today:  Terminator Salvation

If this is “Terminator’s” Salvation, I’d hate to see what we are saving it
  from.  An action packed film, yes…  But nothing more.  We’re taking our  
fourth stroll down “Terminator” lane, with a new offering that is missing
a few key elements.  No, I’m not talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger !

What “Terminator Salvation” happens to be lacking is a sensible plot…  
And character development !!!  Not to mention anything that resembles
   continuity.  Hmmm…  I might be wrong there.  It is continuously awful.  

 I found myself wondering why everyone in the post-apocalyptic future 
 always has to have a smudge of dirt on their face…  I also let my mind 
 wander and thought about “Star Trek” a lot.  Then I’d be distracted by
a loud BOOM and forced to look back up at the screen.

From the start, this movie is just weird…  We kick things off by meeting
  Marcus Wright (played by Sam Worthington).  The year is 2003 and he’s 
a prisoner on death row, sentenced to die by lethal injection.  After his 
execution (and a couple of poorly executed lines as well) we are thrust
 into the future !  Not a fun, bright future mind you, but a future devoid  
of decent acting and washcloths.

Marcus wakes up in this strange world, surprised to be alive.  He is nude 
and caked from head to toe in mud.  He then goes streaking through the 
rain, screaming.  A word to the wise:  If you are wearing nothin’ but mud
don’t run in the rain.  Embarrassment is inevitable.

 

terminator-salvation-robots[2] by you.

More Than Meets The…  Aye Yi Yi !

 

He manages to find some clothes, but soon after he’s jumped by one of the
robots from “Transformers”.  Marcus is almost killed but saved in the nick of
 time by a teenage boy and some kid dressed like “Janet Jackson”.  It’s over 
a meal of leftover coyote that Marcus learns the fate of Earth.

Many years ago, a renegade spam program became self-aware and gained
control of the planet.  This program sees humans as a threat and has built
 robots to kill them all.  The first sign of the takeover was when “Kris Allen” 
won “American Idol”…  “Paula Abdul” tried to warn the masses, but people
   just laughed.  Turns out Kris was an early version of a “Terminator” !!!  No   
one noticed the small malfunction that caused him to sing out of the side 
of his face.

Marcus is horrified, and wants to join the human resistance.  He must find
the legendary “John Connor” to do so.  Many adventures follow as he plods
 through one CGI effect after the other…  He stumbles across a woman who 
seems to have raided “Tina Turner’s” wardrobe closet from the set of “Mad
Max Beyond Thunderdome”, and she offers him some funny looking food !!! 
(Even funnier looking than dead coyote).

 They are all ambushed, and it is not long before Marcus meets John Connor
(played by Christian Bale) the hard way.  After being knocked out, he finds
himself regaining consciousness in a precarious position.  He has been tied
  up !!!  John is interrogating Marcus, and Marcus is worried.  I would be too.
 Can you imagine being tied up by the guy who played in “American Psycho”
AND “The Dark Knight” ?  GULP !!!  Christian Bale is #1 on the list of people
I would least want to be tied up by…  Here are a few others:

 

Kathy Bates by you.
Your Reviews Are Cockadoodie ! 

 

~ ~ ~

Top Ten List Of People I Would Least Want To Be Tied Up By

(#1)  Christian Bale 

(#2)  Christopher Walken  (#3)  Boy George

(#4)  Nancy Pelosi  (#5)  Steven Seagal  (#6)  Tonya Harding

(#7)  Kathy Bates  (#8)  Flava Flav  (#9)  Betty White 

(#10)  Charo

~ ~ ~

 Anyway, Marcus discovers that he is part “machine”…  He was created by
 the creepy Borg Collective (or whatever the heck they call themselves) to
 bother the humans.  Which is fair, because the humans are pretty lame !!!

The human resistance is comprised of people that run around with looks of 
constipation consternation on their faces at any given moment.  The worst
   is this random pregnant woman who seems to have a connection to Connor. 
  She really tries to channel “Frodo” from “The Lord of the Rings” !!!  There’s 
 always some dramatic look plastered on her mug, presented in slow motion.

These people are sooo BORING.  “Common” is on board playing some dude
named …  Oh, who cares.  All he does is run around saying “You killed my
brother”.  And Christian Bale just whispers and lisps !  I let it slide when
   he was “Batman”, but now it is annoying…  If Bale has “jumped the shark”  
  with this dud of a film, at least he can find work as a phone sex operator.

His voice IS better suited to ask “What are you wearing?” as opposed to
“Do you want to join the resistanttth?”  Say it, don’t spray it buddy.  I’m
 thankful this movie wasn’t in 3-D.  Everybody would have been thoaked ! 
Er… Soaked.  Salvation ?  More like “Saliva Nation”.

 

Bale2 by you.

The Hoarse Man Of The Apocalypse

 

 Warning:  Thpoilers Ahead !  Marcus and John HATE each other right out 
  of the gate.  Marcus is more man than mechanism however, so he wants to 
 defeat the Terminators…  Together they must infiltrate the bad guys’ home
 base, but nothing could prepare them (or me) for what those rotten robots
have to bring.

First off, there’s the bizarre computer-generated naked cameo of Arnold
Schwarzenegger.  Sorry Terminator fans, it’s come to this.  He pops out
(quite literally) of a room, runs around naked for about 60 seconds and
then catches on fire…  WOW.  Great homage to the classic films there ! 
Way to go…  Director “McG” should be proud.

Hold on…  it gets better.  Our heroes have to face down a monstrous
villain.  Who or what could it be ?  A giant robot ?  Perhaps a madman
with android innards ?  The evil they must face down is…  Wait for it…
Wait for it…  

The Disembodied Floating Head of “Helena Bonham Carter” !!! 
  Or something like that.  Ha Ha !  Yep.  Her naughty noggin shows up  
 to be a total nuisance to the human resistance.  I wanted to laugh ! 
 Marcus discovers “The Head of Helena Bonham Carter” floating on a 
 gigantic computer screen of sorts.  (Think “The Wizard of Oz” meets
“Max Headroom”)…   She starts talking smack, so he finishes her off
with a piece of office furniture. 

 The film really goes downhill from there.  I’m not going to tell you how
 it all ends !  (No, shutting the talking head up isn’t the finale).  There
will be a sequel, as the spam that calls itself  “Skynet” seems to still
  be plugged in while it plugs on.  Joy !  I often felt like I was watching 
 a “Uwe Boll” production.  Probably would have been better if it was.

This is more of a “Terminator” parody than anything !!!  (If you look
 real close in a fleeting scene, you can see one of the robots wearing
 what appears to be a “pirate scarf” on its head)…  Occasional giggles
  aside, the movie does serve well as yet another effects-laden thriller.
Unfortunately, sans anything resembling substance.

  

  Judgment:  The future looks very bleak for “Terminator Salvation”. 

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “5″ out of “10″

 

 

May 12, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Star Trek”

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 6:03 pm
Tags: , , ,

star_trek_chokes[1] by you.
Noooooo !!!!!

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
On The Captain’s Log Today:  Star Trek

I know that you are all going to think I’m just jumping on the bandwagon,
but I really want to become an actual “Trekkie”.  No, the new “Star Trek”
film has not inspired me to do so.  This is a fantasy I have had for many, 
many years.

There is a method to my madness.  Yes, I HAVE been a fan of “Star Trek”
for about as long as I can remember…  But I’ve got a goal that has yet to
be realized.  I wanna go to a Star Trek convention wearing “Vulcan ears”.
At this convention, I hope to find William Shatner (AKA Captain Kirk) !

Once I see good ol’ Bill, I shall follow him around.  Why ?  Because sooner
or later, he’s going to drop something.  It’s inevitable.  We all do.  Maybe
it will be his pen…  Or perhaps a cup…  Maybe even a quarter. 

When he bends over to pick up whatever it is he has dropped, I’m going
to pop out and loudly say:  “Space… The Final Frontier” !!!  Ha Ha Ha !

 Sigh…  I can dream, can’t I ?  If that isn’t enough reason to become a
Trekkie, I don’t know what is.  Something tells me the latest Star Trek
offering will bring some new fans to the fold, and it should give all the
die-hards reason to feel born-again !!!

What we have here is a “reboot” of sorts…  A reboot that (finally) keeps
the heart and soul of the original source material !  Kudos to J.J. Abrams
for realizing what made “Star Trek” so special in the first place. He helms
this movie with grace and treads lightly on sacred ground.  Much to my
delight, the result is nothing short of a science fiction masterpiece.

Don’t get me wrong.  I still cherish all of the old “Trek” movies !  I loved
it when everyone went to “SeaWorld”.  And who can forget Kirk fighting
that evil soul singer in “The Wrath of Chaka Khan” ?  Of course, there is
“The Search For Spock”.  I never understood that one.  Why didn’t they
just Google him ?

 

3046977289_2f4eed0b05[1].jpg_v=0 by you.
I’ll Stop The World And Meld With You !

 

  In this refreshingly new installment, the tables have turned and it is now 
Spock who is on the hunt !!! Leonard Nimoy returns as the (aging) Vulcan
ambassador “In Search Of” his youth.

While buzzing about the galaxy (in the coolest spaceship ever) Spock
is schlucked away to the PAST by a black hole…  The aforementioned
schluckage creates an “alternate reality”.  A strange new world where
people are actually sexy !

Warning:  When you add sexy to the continuity of ANYTHING, there
are going to be cataclysmic, history-changing results.  So our logical
friend has his hands full trying to rectify the situation…  Also causing
trouble are some nasty Romulans (coming from the future as well).

 Spock enlists the aid of his good friend James T. Kirk, who’s now much
younger…  Young Kirk (played by Chris Pine) has some issues to work
out though, and is indeed a challenge.  He channels James Dean as a
true rebel without a cause.

In this universe, Kirk never knew his father and is running amok on
Earth until the prestigious “Federation Starfleet” sees his potential.
Hesitant at first, this crazed kid soon joins the Starfleet Academy,
only to end up on the just-built “Starship Enterprise”.

 

Kirk and McCoy by you.
I Knew I Should’ve Taken That Left Turn At
Albuquerque !

 

Here we meet (all over again) the crew we know and love.  Scotty,
Sulu, Chekov, Uhura, Dr. McCoy and young Mr. Spock !!!  Mr. Spock
has some anger management issues, to say the least.  He is always
whaling on someone !!!  (Sounds like I am talking about “Star Trek
IV” again, doesn’t it) ?

He beats up on other Vulcans, and at one point he even pounds the
captain !  Um… Moving on…  Anyway, at first young Spock (Zachary
 Quinto) and young Kirk despise each other.  But these fellows soon 
realize that they are way better off as pals in order to stop Romulan
bad-guy “Nero”.

Nero (an unrecognizable Eric Bana) is out for revenge against the
 old Spock, probably because he had watched “The Final Frontier” !
C’mon…  It wasn’t that bad.  Nonetheless, he is going to make our
hero suffer, and destroy anything that gets in his way.

The Enterprise soon rises to the challenge… And starts to kick some
time-traveling butt.  The special effects are extraordinary, and I got
goosebumps every time they went into “warp speed”.  A feeling that
reminded me of watching the show as a kid !!!  My first recollection
of “Star Trek” was viewing it (as a rerun) in the 1970′s…  It was on
after the news Sunday nights !

 This movie is cool.  Like a tall glass of Altair Water.  We have Mr.
Sulu whipping out a sword.  Kirk listens to “Beastie Boys”.  Majel
Roddenberry (Nurse Chapel in the 60′s series) provides the voice
 of the ship’s computer. And, to top it all off, Winona Ryder plays
 Spock’s Mom.  WOW !

“Star Trek’s” 2009 ensemble cast does a fine job interpreting our
beloved Enterprise crew… All while adding a few fresh twists of
their own !  I am going to open my “hailing” frequencies and tell
the planet about this movie’s stellar appeal !!!

At last, a film that will cure what “Romulan Ales” you !  A bright 
blockbuster sure to leave you stunned !!!  After watching this, I
felt nothing could phase me !  I’m still beaming…

“Star Trek” is Spocktacular fun !  Boldly go see it today !!!  

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “10″ out of “10″

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Christine+Chapel[1] by you.
Hair No Man Has Gone Before…

 

This review is dedicated to Majel Barrett-Roddenberry.  Wife of
“Star Trek” creator Gene Roddenberry.  She played my favorite
character in the original series, “Nurse Christine Chapel” !  She
was promoted to Doctor when the first flick came out…  Majel
 (as mentioned above) is the voice of the computer in this new
film and many other “Trek” offerings. 

Majel Barrett-Roddenberry 

Stardate: 1932-2008

We miss you !

~

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  

March 27, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Duplicity”

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 7:50 pm
Tags: , ,

duplicitypic5[1] by you.
Ha Ha !  Now This Is What I Call A Review !

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Double Your Fun Today With: Duplicity

Stylish.  Smart.  Sexy.  Stimulating.  I know, it sounds like I’m talking
about “Daniel’s Critical Corner” again !  I very well could be with such
nifty words…  But I’m actually referring to the new internal espionage
flick “Duplicity”.

It’s about time they came up with another good old-fashioned caper
film.  (No, I’m not talking about “Batman” folks).  This movie features
Julia Roberts and Clive Owen as double crossing double agents.  Yes,
having Julia back up on the big screen is awesome.  Well, it’s actually
more like propped up…

For the first time in history, her chest comes out farther than her lips.
Maybe she has had some work done in that area ?  At any rate, in this
venue Julia’s boobs arrive in London twenty minutes before the rest of
 her…  There are moments when her acting might fall flat, but nothing 
else does ! 

Not to put Julia down or anything.  I’ve been a fan of hers for YEARS,
and boy, does she look fabulous for fifty.  (Unfortunately, she is only 
forty-one) !  In her very first scene, she’s standing outside on a sunny
day…  I noticed the “Erin Brokovich” star was wearing what appeared
to be a wool scarf.  I thought this was rather odd, because it looked 
like summertime !  A couple of moments later, I realized she was not 
sporting a scarf at all.  She has a hairy neck !!!

Director Tony Gilroy (Michael Clayton) probably should have caught
that.  If he were shooting a documentary on “Sasquatch”, he could
 skate by.  Or a film titled “Gorillas in the Mystic Pizza”.

 

large_duplicity-julia-roberts-cli[1] by you.
Duplicity ?   …Or Dual Plastic Surgery ? 

 

Actually, for a couple of minutes, I thought perhaps I was at the
wrong movie.  When Julia looks at the camera, sporting some red
lipstick, I wouldn’t have been surprised if she had said something
to the effect of “Wanna know how I got these scars?”  

OK, enough of that.  I’m going to get off of Julia Roberts…  (And
really, can you blame me) ?  Let me focus on Clive Owen for just
a moment.  This guy is as suave as they come…  He could easily
become the next James Bond !  Clive was fantastic in “Sin City”
and memorable in “Gosford Park”, and he just Owens this flick ! 

Julia and Clive play a couple of moles in “Duplicity”…  No, I’m not
talking about that thing growing on Eva Mendes’ face.  By mole I
mean covert operatives !!!  They are working for two companies
that HATE each other.  Julia is working for one business as intel,
but selling the secrets she obtains to its rival business via Clive.

At first, it seems these two double agents are far from pals.  All 
of this stems from a colorful history that dates back about five 
years…  We learn that when Julia was working for the CIA, she  
seduced Clive (and consequently drugged him) in order to snatch
some of his top secret files.  The poor guy was actually working
for MI6 when he was duped, and the fiasco nearly destroyed his 
career.

But everyone is willing to forgive and forget, and they traipse all
over the world pouncing on each other in exotic hotel rooms !  It
must be said, their chemistry is believable. These two people just
click…  And the witty dialogue laced with sexual innuendo is kind
of fun !

On the flip side of the coin, who really wants to watch two people
in their forties shag to no end ?  (They lock themselves in a luxury
suite for three days, going at it like mad).  Yea.  Like THAT would
really happen.  In real life, if a couple approaching middle age was
locked in a hotel room for three days, it’s because they are dead.

I kept wondering why on Earth they didn’t use body doubles for 
the above mentioned steamy scenes…  In movies such as “Pretty
Woman”, Julia had a sensual stand-in.  But in “Duplicity”, she just
lays around with everything hanging out of her pelican briefs…

 

Duplicity by you.
You could pull off James Bond.  I Did Last Week !

 

 *Warning:  Teenagers might not be able to sit through this flick,
  as one scene conjures up images of Phyllis Diller wrestling with   
an alligator in a wading pool filled with jello.

  Despite our saggin’ protagonists, this movie rocks.  It is an intelligent
 heist extravaganza !!!  Filled with double crosses, triple crosses, and
 even a super quadruple cross !  What comes after a quadruple cross
I wonder ?  Octuplets ?  

People start to get conned left and right…  And then Paul Giamatti
gets down into the mix for good measure.  Paul is deliciously sleazy
as the head of a corrupt business, and his nemesis (portrayed by 
Tom Wilkinson) is not much better.  They will stop at NOTHING to 
destroy each other !!!  It appears that Julia and Clive are no more 
than mere pawns in a diabolical scheme…  A couple of clever plot  
twists later, however, reveal that maybe Paul and Tom are indeed 
the fools in this game of “cat and mouse”.

What sets this flick apart from others in the genre is its refreshing
lack of violence.  No one ever brandishes a gun.  Or a knife.  I think
someone brandishes an umbrella.  (Thank goodness it wasn’t Britney
Spears) !  

There is a fistfight of sorts (between Tom and Paul).  And that is
very entertaining.  For the most part, people just use their minds
to gain any advantage.  Of course, there is a lot of talking, and 
I did find myself bored for just a few minutes.  Better than being
bored for three days straight I suppose !  
  
Steal away to see “Duplicity”, it’s a bargain at twice the price !

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “7.5″ out of “10″

 

 

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