Daniel's Critical Corner

March 7, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Watchmen”

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 9:00 am
Tags: , ,

drmanhattan1[1] by you.
Blue Man Group Promoting Hydroxycut

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
In Need Of Some Comic Relief Today:  Watchmen

Hey !  What’s that up above ?  In the sky ?  I think…  It’s a bird !
No… It’s a plane !  Wait, it’s…  it’s…  A naked blue guy !!!  Could 
someone call Superman and tell him he left the house without his
tights ?  Better get back to the phone booth, pronto ! 

Oh !!!  That’s not Superman.  This dude is balled bald and VERY
well endowed.  Don’t get jealous boys, I’m sure that it’s all CGI. 
Either that or it’s Milton Berle’s grandson…  At any rate, the guy
in the sky is none other than “Dr. Manhattan”.  And he’s here to
save us…  I think.

Dr. Manhattan is one of the unconventional superheroes in the
highly anticipated new flick “Watchmen”.  A movie that features
tons of DICK !!!  That’s right… President Richard Nixon himself is
one of the star players.  Our story takes place many years ago,
in an upside down (and inside out) vision of the mid 1980′s.

This is a world that looks like something out of “Blade Runner”,
and in it superheroes are just a natural part of everyday life…
There is the very buff and very blue Dr. Manhattan of course,
as well as hottie “Silk Spectre II” !  And the rather studly bird
guy, “Nite Owl II” (played here by Patrick Wilson).  It just so  
happens that “Nite Owl I”  was a victim of evil poachers, and 
his head is over a mantel at some woman’s cabin in Alaska.

Also, we are introduced to the very strange “Rorschach”, who
seems to be the most introspective of the bunch.  He wears a
mask of material on his face with ink blots all over it…  I kept
wanting to pluck it off of his head and throw it into a washing
machine.  Rounding out our rather odd crew is the gruff, cigar
smoking “Comedian” and the highly intelligent pretty boy they 
call “Ozzy Madness” (or something like that).

 

wm4_435x326-1-1[1] by you.

‘Nite Owl

 

 

  richard-thomas-then by you.

‘Nite John-Boy

  

When the twelve-issue comic series for “Watchmen” was first
created, the general idea was to “deconstruct” the superhero
  persona…  In other words, the writers wanted to make these  
masked avengers more human, and therefore more vulnerable. 
Well, they went too far if you ask me.  These superheroes are 
 just a bunch of weirdos in disguise.  Still, they are played with 
such sincerity that it is fun to watch them in action.

No doubt, the biggest extreme in this group is The Comedian. 
He really shouldn’t have been part of any superhero elite.  This
guy is a nut, who just shoots anyone he pleases !  (They even
show him shooting JFK).  If Peter Parker’s “Uncle Ben” came up 
to him saying “With great power comes great responsibility”, he
would just blow the old fart’s head clean off.  So, the logic of   
this wacko being allowed to stay in a justice-seeking vigilante
team really never makes one lick of sense.

But then again, a man dressed up as an owl having intelligent
conversations with some naked blue dude makes no sense at 
all either !  I’d probably start giggling…  It wouldn’t matter if I
was Nite Owl II or Dr. Manhattan, in that scenario I would be 
thinking to myself  “You’re kidding me, right?”  Ha Ha !  At one
point, Dr. Manhattan actually does nude yoga while floating 
in midair…  What a crack up ! 

Anyway, for obvious reasons, President Nixon outlaws so-called 
“superheros”.  Then, one of them is found murdered.  Rorschach
 decides to lead his team on a final mission, to find out who has   
killed their buddy and get revenge.  But, while all of this stuff is  
transpiring, the world is on the brink of a full scale nuclear war. 
The Soviet Union is ready to wipe America off of the map  !

So, numerous hijinks ensue.  Rorschach is caught doing superhero
stuff, and then temporarily incarcerated with a real angry midget. 
Midgets always earn a film an extra point here at “Critical Corner”,
whether they are angry or not.

Silk Spectre II finds herself in a pickle as well, because she can no
longer relate to her well hung meaning boyfriend, Dr. Manhattan… 
She starts to realize that the Batmanish Nite Owl II is more up her
alley.  Gratuitous sex scenes soon follow.

 

large_SilkSpectre[1] by you.
Uma Thurman, Eat Your Heart Out !

 

 It isn’t very long before someone tries to kill brainy Ozzy Madness, so
everyone regains their focus and gets back to the daunting task now
at hand:  Find out who wants them all dead and save the world from
total annihilation !!!  A series of flashbacks occur as we put together
pieces of the puzzle.  When our heroes get closer to the answer, the
blood and guts really start to fly !

Things look bleak as the “Doomsday Clock” gets closer to midnight,
and Dr. Manhattan decides to take a vacation on Mars.  Strangely
enough, he is the only character that has any real “superpowers”. 
An accident at some sort of nuclear facility mutated him, similar to 
what happens in “The Incredible Hulk” !  (Except the Hulk managed
to keep his pants on)…

Everybody else is just an average Joe with exceptional fighting
abilities and technical savvy.  Nonetheless, these characters are
really kind of cool in their own way.  Our heroes have dark sides
and deep secrets, but they are still somewhat likable…  I’ve got
to admit, the costumes and special effects are very well done.  

“Watchmen” is not your typical superhero film.  Then again, it
never professes to be.  I am a bit of a traditionalist in respect
to comics, always preferring the stories of “Iron Man” or even
“Green Lantern” over such hardcore issues and violence.  But 
director Zack Snyder (of “300″ fame) keeps this fiercely true 
to its source material, and rather unique at the same time.   

We are looking at a “thinking man’s” superhero flick here, which
is rather philosophical at times, but never preachy.  This movie
shows both sides of every story, and then leaves the audience 
to ponder the outcome’s moral implications.

Still, it is a far cry from a masterpiece.  The characters are not
quite developed enough, and the narrative is all over the place.
The gore is effective in some spots, yet unnecessary in others.
And, at almost three hours long, this film noticeably drags…  At
     least it should tide everyone over until “Star Trek” comes out !    

      “Watchmen” remains watchable, despite a few shortcomings.     

 ~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “7.5″ out of “10″

 

 

February 13, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Friday the 13th”

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 7:00 pm
Tags: , ,
3144615131_2edec66577[1].jpg_v=0 by you.

Confessions Of A Chopaholic

 ~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Did You Know A Young Boy Drowned Here ?

His name was Jason, and today is his birthday.  So, put on your
party hats, blow up a balloon and let’s have a blast !  Just don’t
tell his mom…  (She is a good-time killer if ever there was one).

LOL !  Today, of course, I will be talking about Friday the 13th.
A movie I was really looking forward to seeing.  Now, you might
be wondering why that is.  For starters, I have been a huge fan
of the “Friday the 13th” series since 1982…  (That was the year
“Friday the 13th Part 3″ came out in glorious 3-D) !  It was an 
experience I shall never forget.  An experience that turned into
 a regular family affair !

My mother has always loved 3-D movies.  She likes to reminisce
about some of her favorites from the 1950′s, like “Creature from 
the Black Lagoon”, or “House of Wax” (with Vincent Price)…  It  
was a summer day back in ’82 when we first saw the trailer for 
“Friday the 13th Part 3: 3D”, and we both thought it looked like
a hoot and a half !  We had not seen the first two installments,
but that didn’t stop us from making plans to see number three !

This was a big event for me.  At age 12, I was about to see my
very first “R” rated picture !  (We were still a few months away
from getting cable television).  Of course, later on in the year, I
was bombarded with questionable entertainment after we put in
“Cinemax”.
  
As an added bonus, my grandparents decided they wanted to  
go with us.  Grandpa had always loved a real good fright flick !
Keep in mind, his idea of a good fright flick was “Frankenstein
Meets the Wolf Man”. 

When we arrived at the theater (Cinema East Twin), they were 
 showing two films.  “Bambi” (the re-release… I’m not that old).  
And of course, “Friday the 13th part 3″.  My mother, sensing a 
right of passage was about to happen, reluctantly asked me if  
I would like to see “Bambi” instead of “Friday”.  Firmly, I shook
my head “No”.

The four of us were given our 3-D glasses.  They were so cool,
in a very cheesy kind of way.  They were actually cheap paper
things, featuring some rendition of a bloody fireplace poker on 
the sides.  RAD !  (Does anybody else remember those) ?

 

jasonVorheesFridaythe13thRemake[2] by you.
Voorhees A Jolly Good Fellow !

 

My 80 year old grandparents put on the glasses, as did my mom.
Soon, we were bombarded with buckets of gore galore !  We had
been introduced to mass murderer “Jason Voorhees”, the scourge
of Camp Crystal Lake.  I can remember screaming a total of three
times.  Mom was shrieking like a banshee the entire film…  And my
shocked grandfather kept saying “Oh My God!” and “Goddamn!” 

At one point during the flick, a young woman has an arrow shot  
right into her head (through her eye socket, no less) !  My poor  
grandmother leaned in and asked “Is that girl dead?”  I told her 
“Yep!”, and Grandma just responded with “Oh dear!”

After the carnage ended, the credits started rolling.  My grandpa
actually yelled out “MORE BLOOD” !  I laughed.  My Mom did not…
Grandpa had to help her out of her seat !  She was as white as a
ghost !!!  I shall never forget, as long as I live, her saying “Dad, I
really need a drink”.  As it turned out, NONE of us had EVER seen
an “R” rated horror film before…  I loved it.  And my grandmother
said (no kidding) “It was a good picture”.  Ha Ha !  Go Grandma !

I thought Mom hated it…  But it turns out ALL of us became fans
of the franchise.  A couple of weeks after our experience we had
 rented the first two movies !  My family even went to see “Friday
the 13th: The Final Chapter” on its opening weekend.  Everyone 
also caught the premiers of “The New Beginning”, “Jason Lives”,
“The New Blood” and “Jason Takes Manhattan” !!!

By the time “Jason X” came out in 2002, my grandparents had
both bought the farm.  It was sad seeing it without them.  But
I’ve got to say, I’m glad they weren’t around to suffer through
the latest incarnation of “Friday the 13th”.  The brand-new film
produced by Michael Bay is a major letdown.

This supposed “remake” shows us the events of the first movie
during the opening credits…  Mrs. Voorhees (Jason’s mother) is 
given all of three lines, (one of them stating the obvious).  She
mentions that she has killed everyone, and that they all had to
die because her stupid little brat drowned.  Then, she gets her
head chopped off.

We flash-forward to “present-day”.  And that’s when the film
really goes to pot.  And by pot, I mean POT.  A group of kids
are out in the woods, getting ready to set up camp.  They’re
not there to just absorb the scenery, but rather to smoke it. 

The gang is hunting for an alleged marijuana farm… And the 
“plan” is to grab up as much leaf as they can carry and take
it all back home to sell.  (Granted, they want to fill up a few
bongs of their own first).  But, some guy with a bag over his
head (Jason) doesn’t want them doing drugs, as he pops out
of nowhere and starts poking them with sharp objects !  He 
  later ditches the bag.  Only to don a hockey mask he finds   
on the floor…

 

jason_tease[1] by you.
Not A Very Good Swimmer.

 

73705_michael-phelps-celebrates-his-eighth-gold[2] by you.
A Good Swimmer. 
(But Not A Very Good Role Model).

 

Talk about lame.  They should have called this film “Cheech
and Chong VS. Jason”.  Or “Harold and Kumar Escape Camp
Crystal Lake”.  Even “Friday After Next” would have been a
more fitting title !

Another problem with this movie is the amount of sex and
nudity.  They overdo it with the boobage.  A little boob is
OK.  A big boob is even better.  But I started to feel as if
I walked into the wrong theater…  (I even started to look
around to see if people were wearing trench coats) !!! 

There are zero scares in “Friday the 13th”, and the movie
suffers from a total lack of imagination.  When the first few
films came out long ago, many critics and cynics saw them
as nothing more than trash, saturated with sex, drugs and
gore.  Yes, there was sex (my grandpa actually would do a
“wolf whistle” every time there was some nudity).  And yes,
 there was always some drug use and ground-breaking gore.
But it was always in small amounts !

What made the original “Friday the 13th” popular was the
horror.  A sense of dread, punctuated with “jump out of
your seat moments” !!!  They really did try to make movie
magic, and in those days, despite bad reviews, they had 
succeeded…  It is a shame that 2009′s “reboot” amplifies
the elements that did not work.  They must be trying to 
prove some of the critics right !

Please, skip this misguided attempt at entertainment, and
go rent the originals (now digitally remastered) !!!  I only
wish the director of this new flick would have thought to
do the same…

Dead in the water, “Friday the 13th” just doesn’t cut it. 

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “3″ out of “10″

 

 

January 23, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Inkheart”

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 7:00 pm
Tags: , ,

inkheartpic1[1] by you.
Go Change.  Someone Just Called You Mrs. Doubtfire !

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s Novel Idea:  Inkheart

January is such a gloomy month.  The winter winds blow, the skies
are grey, and the movie theaters are a barren wasteland…  Devoid 
of good movies as the trees are devoid of leaves !  (At least that 
was the case last year around this time). 

We were treated to such charmers as “Over Her Dead Body” and
“In the Name of the King:  A Dungeon Siege Tale”.  But it is looking
like spring might be hitting us early.  No…  I am NOT talking about
“Hotel For Dogs”.  I am thinking more along the lines of “Defiance”, 
“My Bloody Valentine 3D” and, much to my surprise, “Inkheart”.  

As it so happens, “Defiance” is what “Valkyrie” should have been. 
(Will someone please call Tom Cruise and tell him that he sucks) ! 
I’d love to do it myself,  but I seem to have “misplaced” his phone
number.  Pity.  Anyway, “Defiance” wasn’t the infuhrerating mess 
“Valkyrie” became…  I realize the latter was a modest success at 
the box office, but I am not a fan of that particular S S hit.

   Do not adjust your computer screen folks.  I DID indeed insinuate 
that “My Bloody Valentine 3D” was enjoyable…  If nothing else,
“MBV3D” is a thrill ride of sorts.  I was impressed that it managed
to capture the feeling of the original cult classic, all while adding
some new “dimensions” of its own. 

For example, this updated version boasts huge 3-D BOOBS.  Yep.
Boobs.  Folks were actually reaching out for ‘em.  (To avoid any 
  confusion, please remember “Valkyrie” is not in 3-D).  That film    
 features just one boob, and he is flatter than a pancake.

Now…  In regards to “Inkheart”, its flaws are many and its flaws
are obvious.  Nonetheless,  I rather enjoyed watching this flick. 
Sometimes, the movie is whimsical.  And at other times, flimsy. 
I guess that makes it “flimsical”.

Brendan Fraser returns to the big screen, and once again he is 
playing second fiddle to some CGI Gods and Monsters.  Brendan
is delightful as Mortimer “Mo” Folchart, a guy with a passion for
 old books.  His love of literature is shared enthusiastically by his 
cute young daughter, Meggie.  The pair travel around the world
trying to locate hard to find writings, having a blast while doing
so !!!  

 

inkheart-0[1] by you.
I Can’t Believe Borders Threw Us Out ! 

 

Mo has spent several years searching for an out of print book 
titled “Inkheart”.  At first,  Meggie does not have the first clue
as to why her father is so obsessed with coming across it. She
just sees him as a bit of a loon, and leaves everything at that.

Imagine her surprise when she finds out the old book holds a
 secret to her past, involving her long lost mother !  We learn
that Mo has a magical gift…  He is a “Silvertongue”, someone
who can bring a character to life from a book just by reading
it out loud !  He actually pulls them out of the story into this
world (but it creates a vortex that forces someone out here
to be sucked in at the same time).

It’s a good thing he found out about his powers before he
read something of a questionable quality.  There are three
 books that a Silvertongue should probably NEVER read out 
loud from:

 ****************************************

 

Sex ~ by Madonna

Me ~ by Katharine Hepburn

Garfield Goes to Waist ~ by Jim Davis

 

****************************************

 

GD*7016010 by you.
Madonna:  Hard Candy…  Or Soft Serve ?

 

Anyway… Meggie’s Mom is stuck in the book (or so it seems)
and all sorts of characters are running amok.  Some are good
guys, like the hippie flame-thrower “Dustfinger”.  Now that’s 
a name !!!  (I guess there are worse fingers that he could be
be associated with)… 

In the evil villain department we are treated to “Capricorn”,
played wonderfully by Andy Serkis (Gollum in “The Lord of 
the Rings” trilogy).  His plan is to enlist Mo’s help in reading
a creep known as “The Shadow” out of “Inkheart”.  He will
stop at nothing, and conjures up a number of beasts to do
his bidding !  With the aide of a stuttering Silvertongue, he
manages to wreck some havoc on the countryside.

Meggie and Mo are not alone, as Dustfinger, a unicorn, and
even Toto from “The Wizard of Oz” do battle with the group
of wretched scum.  I’ve got to say it.  Toto is CUTE.  I can
be such a sucker for an adorable dog in a flick…  One extra
point, right there !  LOL ! 

Also helping our heroes is Meggie’s eccentric great aunt,
“Elinor Loredan” (played with a crazy perfection by Helen
Mirren).  This nut would give “Cruella Deville” a real run
for her money !

Yes, some hijinks ensue as all types of oddballs drop out
of the sky…  Including Rapunzel, who resembles Christina
Aguilera in hair extensions.  The Shadow does show up of
course, and it starts to look like curtains for Mo and the
 gang.  As expected, a grand battle plays out at the end !

When all was said and done…  I would have liked to have
seen more famous fictional characters flushed out !  This 
  movie stayed focused on the same few the ENTIRE time… 

Another miniscule gripe I have was about the locations. 
   All of the events transpire at Capricorn’s castle…  But a    
magical story (featuring such a broad imagination) really
should have had a broad backdrop as well !  Regardless,
it is all in good fun…  And it sure beats the heck out of 
that “Prince Crapstain” nonsense.

  Worn edges aside, “Inkheart” has the write attitude !!!

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “7″ out of “10″ 

 

 

January 2, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: The Best of 2008

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 10:00 am
Tags: , ,

1145536617_22fd66b461[1].jpg_v=0 by you.
Why Are You Guys Dressed Up ?  This Is An Informal Event !

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Even Dick Clark Has Been Anticipating:
The Best of 2008

Happy New Year  !!!  2009 is upon us…  But 2008 still resounds through
the pages of “Critical Corner”.  Arguably, it was one of the most notable
years for cinema since 1939 !!!  (That’s when the world was treated to 
such monumental gems as “Stagecoach”, “Ninotchka”, “Gone With the  
Wind”, “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” and “The Wizard of Oz”) !

2008 was indeed a year of laughter and tears…  Tons of tears actually.
I can still recall seeing a grown man cry like a baby after coming out of
a late showing of “The Happening” with his family !  He fell to his knees
and wondered what “happened” to the ten dollars they put out for that
awful flick.

I will NEVER forget the look on his children’s faces.  Faces filled with 
despair…  “Why Papa?” they asked, “Why?”  It all looked like a street
urchin scene from a Charles Dickens novel !  The kids looked so cold
and hungry that I almost gave them a quarter but feared they would
just turn around and spend it on “The X-Files:  I Want to Believe” or
“Journey to the Center of the Earth”.  Instead, I handed them a few
copies of my fantastic reviews (which they promptly ate).

Enough of the mushy stuff…  Let’s talk about the best of the best !!!
That’s right folks, it’s time for my top movies of 2008 to be exposed in
a grand fashion !  Some of you will agree.  Some of you will throw up.
But in the end, a good time will be had by all !!!

And… here… we… go !

**************************************************

# 1

Iron Man

You would have to be Stark raving mad not to LOVE this movie !

 url[1].jpg&usg=AFQjCNEBYUImzdXX6iezE35G2AeOWsCPTg by you.

**************************************************

# 2

The Dark Knight

The Joker’s Wild !!!

 

**************************************************

# 3

Horton Hears A Who!

After playing an Ozzy Osbourne record backwards.

 

***************************************************

# 4

Changeling

Change you can believe in !

 

**************************************************

# 5 (Is Alive) !

Wall-E

A “spaced-out” robot finds love !

 url[1].jpg&usg=AFQjCNGcJstq6bHznsucdsUhZMaWq4w-VA by you.

This Is A Beautiful Award.  Thank You !


**************************************************

# 6

Cloverfield

Filmed by Katharine Hepburn !

 

*************************************************

# 7

The Fall

Have a nice trip !

 

**************************************************

# 8

Gran Torino

Grandpa Torino is more like it !

 

**************************************************

# 9

The Incredible Hulk

A huge SMASH over the Banner summer of 2008 !

 url[1].jpg&usg=AFQjCNHBhxra7ukdIZnMDUDuhH6I3Jrx9w by you.

What Do You Mean I’m Not Number One ?

 

**************************************************

# 10

Kung Fu Panda

Tastes Like Chicken !

 

**************************************************

And now, for the REST of the BEST !  Honorable Mentions:

~ Indiana Jones and the
Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Speed Racer ~
~ Mamma Mia!
 Forgetting Sarah Marshall ~
~ Tropic Thunder 
Bolt ~
~ Star Wars:  The Clone Wars 
  Quarantine ~ 
 ~ Milk 
Hellboy II:  The Golden Army ~ 
~ Get Smart 
Death Race ~
~ Doubt 
Prom Night ~
~ Slumdog Millionaire

 ~

************************************************** 

There you have it !  Feast upon the greatness of it all !  LOL !!!
Now, you are probably wondering what the WORST movies were
of 2008.  So many to choose from…  Here are the five BIGGEST 
STINKERS in no particular odor order !!!  (Please, open a window
and maybe even hold your breath).

 In the Name of the King:  A Dungeon Siege Tale

Semi-Pro  

Over Her Dead Body

The Strangers

The X-Files:  I Want To Believe

 

**************************************************

On a final note, I would like to say that “CriticalCorner.Net” has had
a fantastic first year thanks to YOU !!!  Please come back soon and 
often !  Much to my surprise, my most viewed post of 2008 was not
“The Dark Knight” or even “Iron Man”…  (Drum Roll Please)…

It was “Death Race” !  Ha Ha !  Unreal.  Good times, good times.

~ ~ ~

Daniel’s Critical Corner:  Always  a “10″ out of “10″ !!!

 

 

December 7, 2008

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Australia”

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 8:00 am
Tags: , ,

AUSTRALIA-ENTERTAINMENT-FILM-TOURISM by you.
Crocodile And Dundee

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Crawling Out From “Down Under” Today:
Australia

A trip to a nursing home can be either inspiring or heartbreaking.
I guess it can go both ways…  But my visit to one the other day
was sort of “in the middle”.  The residents were a coherent but 
mellow group.

There was the cute little old lady clutching her box of sour lemon
candy.  She was telling her (probably sixth) husband that it only
cost a dollar with her rewards coupon…  And then there was this
 rather elderly gentleman leaning on his cane.  He was attempting
 to impress the happy couple by bragging about his free popcorn.

Other oldies managed to trickle into the place sporadically, a few 
of them wearing Christmas sweaters, others sporting fedoras and
such…   It actually looked like church !  They all took their seats,
getting ready to see a motion picture together.  Not a cell phone 
to be found among them !  Such a nice, quiet group.  There were
some soft noises, sure.  Two, maybe three oxygen tanks hissing. 
Involuntary flatulence.  I even heard somone’s arteries harden… 
Aside from that, nada !

Whoops !!!  Did I say I was at a nursing home ?  I meant to tell you
I was at the local movie theater on “senior discount” Monday !  We
were all there to see “Australia” !!!  As a wrinkled patron later told 
me, it was a lovely way to spend an afternoon !

That’s debatable.  It ate up my ENTIRE day, and (with a run time of
 almost three hours) I think a couple of mummified moviegoers expired
where they sat !  When the credits FINALLY started to roll, most of
 the group got up to the best of their ability and hobbled out…  But  
a couple of ‘em did not. They just sat there, motionless.  I decided
it was best just to keep moving and not look back.

Truth be told, I’m always leery of a movie that has a continent in
the title.  Did anyone see “I Dreamed of Africa” ? That was a total
 NIGHTMARE !!!  Some chick decides to take her little son to (of all
places) Africa, and live in the middle of nowhere…  She shacks up
with some hunter dude, but it isn’t long before her poor child gets
gobbled up by a snake !  Oh well.  They should have just stayed  
“Out of Africa”.  Ha !!!  Let’s move on to Australia now, shall we ?

 

Palin[2] by you.

 Australia ?  What On Earth Is That ?  A Drink ?

 

   “Australia” starts on a rather odd note.  A young boy with messy
hair is talking absolute rubbish.  Something about his grandfather
being a king and that people who herd cattle are bad.  We soon 
learn this brat is “aboriginal”.  Speaking of “Abba Originals”, I am 
just DYING to see “Mama Mia!” again.  But that’s another story.  

The kid is called (of all things) “Creamy”.  Who the heck came
up with that silly name ?   Michael Jackson ?  Folgers Coffee ?

Our tale is set in 1939 (which, if nothing else, was a red-letter
year for cinema) ! Young Creamy and his mother are working on
 an Australian cattle station, where all is bliss until Nicole Kidman
shows up. 

Kidman plays “Lady Sarah Ashley”, a woman of privilege whose
husband owns the station.  Upon her arrival, Ashley’s spouse is
murdered…  Just as she uncovers a plot by an evil cattle baron 
looking to gain a monopoly over the beef industry !

 Speaking of beef, a burly cattle man known only as “The Drover”
(played by Hugh Jackman) comes to her aide.  Despite obvious 
dangers, they decide to take over her dead hubby’s legacy and 
drive the cattle…  INSANE.

 

url[1].jpg&usg=AFQjCNF4oBs1lg0B9dRGGsAiu4oSV8VdQw by you.
 A Huge Jack, Man !

 

 Lady Ashley moans and groans about how awful the country is.
But soon, The Drover shows her how to find true beauty in the 
 rugged terrain.  At one point, the delicate doll sees a Kangaroo 
and gets totally excited…  The next thing you know, one of her 
hired hands blows the beast away with a shotgun (followed by  
a scene where everyone eats it with fervor).

I could never eat a kangaroo.  They are just too darn cute !
  Hmmm…  Well, I suppose if I were stranded on a desert island,
with nothing but a kangaroo, I would probably start chowing
down on that juicy jumper !!!  (Slathering it up with plenty of
ketchup while wearing the little pouch as some sort of hat).

Kangaroos aside, there isn’t much going on to let us know we
are in Australia.  No boomerangs.  No cuddly koala bears.  No
giant kazoos (or whatever those things are called).  Worst of
all, no one really says “G’day mate” much…  Granted, we are  
treated to some old naked dude doing a “walkabout”.  

And THAT was enough to make me just wanna walkaout !  

 Nicole Kidman’s performance seems really forced in this flick,
and Hugh just prances around shirtless desperately trying to
get voted “Sexiest Man Alive”.  There isn’t much in the way 
 of chemistry between those two anyway, with a dry attempt
at romance failing to light up the big screen.

One evening they are watching shooting stars while kissing 
under a boab tree…  But nothing “magical” happens.  Hugh 
scores (maybe a handful) of boab and then calls it a night !

Some scenes do manage to evoke a “Gone with the Wind”  
 kind of vibe, while others emulate “The Wizard of Oz”.  To 
be fair, I will say this is because of some rather effective
directing. 

“Oz” (is indeed) a continuing theme throughout the film !!!  
Kudos to director  “Buzz Lightyear”  !  Um…   Ugh.  I mean
to director  “Fuzz Lemur”.  No ?  I think I’m getting closer. 
Oh !  I got it,  “Baz Luhrmann” !

 Regardless, “Australia” gets lost in its own decadence.  A  
beautiful epic, make no mistake.  There are so many vast, 
 sweeping vistas that this movie could be the straight man’s
“Brokeback Mountain”…  Complete with a TENT !!!  
  
But eye candy as this may be, it is way toooo long.  The  
story wraps up nicely after about two hours, only to start 
again with a half-hearted gusto…  Our final outcome is still 
the same, with no real or viable reasons to keep plodding 
forward.

Let’s just take “Australia” outback…  And leave it there.

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No
    
Daniel’s Critical Rating: “6″ out of “10″

 

 

November 18, 2008

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Quilting of Sorrow”

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 5:13 pm
Tags: , ,

quantumofsolacepic1[2] by you.
I Warn You…  I’m Out On Bond !

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s View To A Kill:
Quality of Sausage

Yes folks, today I will be reviewing the thrilling new spy adventure, 
“Quenching of Sasquatch” !!!  Bigfoot is BACK…  And this time he is
thirsty !  Hmmm…  Something is wrong there…  Did I get the title
right ?  Maybe I messed up ?  It’s hard to remember !

How about “Quitting of Salisbury Steak” ?  Yep. That has to be it.
A man goes on a diet and…  No, that’s not going to work either. 
Ugh !!!  Let’s try “Quest for Salsa”  ?  “Quelling of Songbirds” ?
“Quidditch of Slytherin” ???

I’m just going to have to look this up on IMDb.  Darn it.  Why did
they have to give the new James Bond flick such a goofy name ? 
Ah, well, here it is.  “Quantum of Solace”.  Strange title for a 007
story.  But then again, this movie is rather far removed from the
classics we all know and love.

Daniel Craig returns as Bond, hot off the heels of “Casino Royale”. 
Craig is a hunk, I will give you that.  When he goes to bed with a 
fine, random chick, you actually BELIEVE it could happen.  As for
the other old “codgers” that have filled the famous spy’s shoes,   
it seems to me they would have died in the arms of about any
 kitten they were with.

I never understood that.  Really.  Sean Connery.  He’s hot if you 
are like, 86.  And then there was Roger Moore.  But Moore what ? 
Viagra ? Oxygen ?  It seems that in Hollywood, getting ANY babe
is possible if you are either James Bond or Woody Allen.

~

Now, I would like to take a moment to answer a random letter
from one of my lucky fans !!!  Let me just reach on in, and see
what I can pull out !  Ooooh…  This looks like a good one !  We
have a question from Big Glenn in Pasadena !  Hello Big Glenn !

 

 Glenn[1] by you.

Glenn asks:

        “Hi Daniel.  I am a HUGE fan of yours.  I check your stuff
       out at least once a week.  Are you into bondage at all” ?

 Awww, what a nice fella !  Thank you so much !  Well,
I don’t know too much about the subject, but I will try
my best…  Here we go…

 

daniel_craig[1] by you.
Daniel Craig:  40 Years Old

 

sean-connery-1[1] by you.
Sean Connery:  78 Years Old

 


 rogermoore[2] by you.
Roger Moore:  Dead 109 Years Old

 

  You see Glenn, I do know a little something about “Bond Age” !
Thanks for writing, and keep on keepin’ on !  Nice outfit buddy.

~

All that aside, in this new adventure, our hero has been reinvented
to the point of veritable unrecognizability…   The 007 of today has 
only one gadget.  A gun.  That shoots bullets.  How original.  This
     guy has about as much intrigue as a character from “Prison Break”.   

He drives cars that go very fast.  Yep.  Cars.  Fast.  Move over, 
Tracy Chapman !!!  They don’t have any cool missile launchers or
anything like that…  No lasers.  No flame-throwers.  But that’s a
good thing.  Might slow that pretty little vehicle down. 

Our plot begins with James meeting up with his Auntie “M” (once
more played with wrinkled sensibility by Dame Judith Dench)…  A
welcome sight, she is the only person still around from the older 
movies.  Both “Q”  and “Moneypenny” are MIA.  

During an interrogation, M gets shot and blood goes all over the
place.  James has to chase the bad guy out of the room, and an
(arguably) rather exciting fight scene ensues.  The entire time, I
 was just worried about the old bag…  Did she survive ?  Were   
they gonna “finish off”  the last of the iconic Bond characters to
please certain people that now seem to hate ALL of the old 
movies ? 

Small spoiler >>>  Well, the good news is she is OK.  Actually,  
she is BETTER than OK.  She is some sort of indestructible super
woman…  In the scene after the shooting, we see her talking to
James as if nothing ever happened.  They never say if M had a
bulletproof vest on, or if she was wounded, or where the blood
came from when she was shot.  She is walking around having a 
nice time just chatting away.  Well, good for her.  I’m glad she’s
going to live to die another day.  

We soon learn that James Bond is trying to find out who killed his
girlfriend Vespa (or whatever her name was) in the prior film.  He is
blinded by an inconsolable rage, and has lost his sense of humor.
 Not to mention his sense of sight…  Wait until you see this new  
Bond girl.  YUCK !!!  At first glance she is a cutie, but then you
realize she went a little nuts with the bottle of sunless tanning
lotion.  And, she happens to be deformed.

The young lady loves wearing skimpy backless dresses, to show
off what appears to be an attempt at tattoo removal…  I am not
kidding. It looks like she was dragged behind the back of a truck
for at least a couple of hours !  I wanted to throw up, with the  
audience waiting for some blind dude to come up behind her 
and mistake it all for braille.

She also has a really bland name.  Camille.  I remember when 
 the Bond girls were all double entrees !!!  They used to have  
such memorable monikers as “Pussy Galore”, “Xenia Onatopp”,
“Holly Goodhead” and “Toucha Mybooba”.

Well, Mr. Grumpy teams up with Miss Lumpy and they hit the
road, traveling to several exotic locales to find some scheming
evildoers.  At one point, they end up in Haiti.  How appropriate,
because I Haiti this movie !  LOL !!!

 

674.x400.ft.films.odds.02[1] by you.
^ James Making A Quantum Leap !

 

  While seeking vengeance, James stumbles upon a village where
the water supply is missing.  Some odious villain has gone and
damned it all…  TO HELL.  In a scene that just goes on and on
we see the villagers looking at a leaking pipe.  They are holding
empty buckets, waiting for water…  We see the pipe, then the
villagers, the villagers then the pipe, and finally the pipe stops
dripping.

All hope appears lost, (but then I see everyone has beer so 
I’m not sure what the problem is).  Maybe somebody had to
wash their dog or something along those lines…  So James  
says he will help them and that’s when the fun (yawn) really
starts. 

Bond and his new girlfriend fly across the desert in a plane
that gets shot down faster than you can say “Mayday”.  Our
heroes persevere, and make it to a bunker where two totally
forgettable bad guys are plotting evil deeds ! There is some
shooting, a couple of explosions and then it’s over with as 
soon as it begins.

This movie was about as mindless (and soulless) as a video
game…  I’m hoping the next one will bring back the James
we all know and love.  With high-tech gadgetry brought to
life by today’s special effects.  As an action flick, this isn’t
too bad.  As a “James Bond” flick, it doesn’t even qualify. 

Quantum of Solace bored the living daylights out of me. 

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “4″ out of “10″

Please, be sure to hit the comment button on the lower
left hand side of this review, I’d love your feedback !!!
But first, take a stab at my titillating “Bond Girl” poll !
< – - -   (Over that way).

              

 

 

October 26, 2008

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Halloween Favorites”

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 9:42 pm
Tags: , ,

 1539319426_c7b368dd99[1].jpg_v=0 by you.
^ Vampires SUCK…  But These Movies Don’t !

~ Welcome, Foolish Mortals ~
Enter Daniel’s Critical Corner
IF YOU DARE !!!

On The Slab Today:  “Halloween Favorites” !

Good Evening…  Blah, Blah !  Well, at least you can hope
for a “good evening”, and if you follow my advice, you can
avoid the “Blahs” as well !

Halloween is just around the corner, so I’m here to make
sure you have some great movie selections to keep your
circulation going…  On what’s sure to be a chilling night.

Tell your Mummy and Deady that this Halloween YOU
are going to provide the entertainment, by renting (or
perhaps even buying) the following selections !

The Evil Dead

* They are Evil AND Dead…  Who could ask for more ?

Mad Monster Party

* Monsters are some of the most interesting people…

Nightmare On Elm Street

* Freddy, who does your nails ?  They’re to DIE for !!!

The Bride Of Frankenstein

* It’s not easy being pretty.

 

Copy_of_BrideofF[2] by you.
No, I Did NOT Go To “Supercuts” Today.

 

 

Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?

* I just want to know who ate my Baby Ruth…

It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

* Beats the HELL out of a “mediocre” pumpkin.

The Creature From The Black Lagoon

* No, it’s not Brooke Shields…  Her lagoon was blue.

I Know What You Did Last Summer

* Damn !  I didn’t realize my webcam was on…

Elvira’s Haunted Hills

* Put some “boob” back in your tube !

 

l_d81aaef9c94b419a9b723e5b47ad720b[1] by you.
Rest In “Peace” !

 

 

The Thing

* I’ve got your “thing” right here ! ;-)

The Blob

* Starring Sally Struthers…

Cursed

* This werewolf movie has BITE !

Ghostbusters

* Who you gonna call ?

Sleepy Hollow

* A movie after my own heart…  (And head) !

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

* Not to be confused with “Dr. Phil”.

Scream

* OK.  EEEEEEEEEK !!!

 

scream[1] by you.
Hello ?

 

photo7007067[1] by you.
NO !!!  I Don’t Want To Vote
For John McCain !

 

 

Darkness Falls

* And it can’t get up !

Corpse Bride

* Sigh…  Always a corpse, never a cadaver.

Alien

* In space, no one cares if you’re Sigourney Weaver.

When A Stranger Calls

* Invite them over for a movie and some popcorn !

Black Christmas

* This DVD would make a great stalking stuffer !

Showgirls

* Just kidding !  (But it is scary) !

Hell Night

* Linda Blair without the vomit.

Halloween

* Jamie Lee Curtis before he became a man !

 Susperia

* Wasn’t that a Phil Collins tune ?

The Ring

* All’s well that ends well !

The Mummy

* With that I shall WRAP things up !!!

~

OK you little devils…  There you have it, in a pumpkin shell !
So snuggle up to your “boo”and ENJOY !!!  Muah ha ha ha  !!!

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

1200ps[1] by you.

 

Happy Halloween !!!

 

 

 

 

 

September 25, 2008

Daniel’s Critical Corner: On Vacation !!!

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 4:59 pm
Tags: , , , ,

2015407676_8efeff881e[1].jpg_v=0 by you.
I’ll Be Back In Two Shakes !!!

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !

That’s right folks.  I’m hittin’ the happy trails !  But I will be back before
you know it, (October 26th) !  Around Halloween…  Speaking of Happy
Trails, (and speaking of Halloween for that matter), I have some rather
TERRIFYING trivia for you…  I’m going to tell you WHO WALKS AMONG
US !!!  Fiendish GHOULS posing as the living…

Yep…  This is some fascinating crap stuff.  So, as the late (great) Bette
Davis once said, “Fasten your seat belts.  It’s going to be a bumpy night”.

A couple of weeks ago, the legendary Anita Page passed away at age
98.  She was considered by many to be one of the last big-name stars
from the “silent film” era.  I was rather saddened by this news…  But it
got me thinking…  If everyone from 1920′s Hollywood is gone…  Who
is left from the true “Golden Age” of Hollywood:  The 1930′s ?!!

I know who already has gone to that giant “dressing room” in the sky.
So many.  Greta Garbo, Marlene Dietrich, Fay Wray, Katherine Hepburn,
Joan Crawford, Cary Grant, Clark Gable, Jimmy Stewart, Charles Boyer,
Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.  Just to name a few !   

So I did some hardcore research.  Not kidding folks.  HOURS of research.
Some people that are living came to mind, but with closer examination
they got their start in the 1940′s…  Lauren Bacall, Van Johnson, Jennifer
Jones, Esther Williams and Elizabeth Taylor are all alive and kicking, but
NOT from the decade I was looking for.

And so here we have it.  The last of Hollywood’s TRUE living legends.
Some of the biggest names of the 1930′s, all still alive and well.  Hmmm. 
Alive anyway.  (There are only eight of ‘em) !  I put them in order of
“youngest” to “oldest”.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Shirley Temple ~ Age 80

 

Shrine Auditorium by you.
Looks Like “The Good Ship Lollipop” Hit
An Iceberg !

 

 Notable Films: 

Bright Eyes ~ 1934
Curly Top  ~ 1935
Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm  ~ 1938
The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer  ~ 1947

* She became a well respected American Ambassador
later in life.  She was also THE FIRST star to publicly
announce her battle with breast cancer.  A true
survivor.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 Jackie Cooper ~ Age 86

 

vintage_photos[1] by you.
What The HECK Happened To Shirley Temple ???

 

 Notable Films:

The Champ ~ 1931
Treasure Island ~ 1934
Superman ~ 1978
Superman II ~ 1980

* Jackie Cooper holds the record for youngest guy to be
 nominated for an Oscar (age 9 in 1931 for “The Champ”).  
He played Perry White in all four of the Christopher Reeve
“Superman” movies.  Jackie (and Mickey Rooney) are the
only people on this list that actually started their film
careers in the late 1920′s !

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Mickey Rooney ~ Age 88

 

1212707874[1] by you.
Oh Mickey, You’re So Fine…  I Hope You Live To See 99, 
Hey Mickey !

 

 Notable Films:

Love Finds Andy Hardy ~ 1938
National Velvet ~ 1944
Breakfast at Tiffany’s ~ 1961
Night at the Museum ~ 2006

Mickey Rooney’s career is one of the longest spanning, starting 
in 1927 and (so far) going to 2009 !  He is one of the last men
still standing.  What a STUD.  That’s NINE decades of film !!!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

 

Maureen O’Hara  ~ Age 88

 

tpowers[1] by you.
It’s Not Just About “The Booty” !!!

 

 Notable Films:

The Hunchback of Notre Dame ~ 1939
Miracle on 34th Street  ~ 1947
The Quiet Man ~ 1952
The Parent Trap ~ 1961
Only the Lonely ~ 1991

* In the 1930′s Maureen was considered one of the world’s most
beautiful women.  She was also one of John Wayne’s best
friends !  (They did five pictures together).

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Joan Fontaine ~ Age 90

 

joan_fontaine_gallery_31[1] by you.
The “Fontaine” Of Youth !

 

 Notable Films:

The Women ~ 1939
Rebecca ~ 1940
Suspicion ~ 1941
Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea ~ 1961

* “Rebecca” was director Alfred Hitchcock’s first American
film.  It was a HUGE hit, winning best picture.  The next year,
Hitchcock asked Joan to be in another one of his movies, and
she won the Oscar for best actress in 1941′s “Suspicion” ! 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  

 

Olivia de Havilland  ~ Age 92

 

mick_sister[1] by you.
Almost Gone With The Wind ! 

 

 Notable Films:

A Midsummer Night’s Dream ~ 1935
The Adventures of Robin Hood ~ 1938
Gone With The Wind  ~ 1939
Hush… Hush, Sweet Charlotte ~ 1964
Airport ’77  ~ 1977

* She still continues to do movies, and is wrapping up
her latest picture due out in 2009, titled “I-59 South”.
 Olivia also just so happens to be Joan Fontaine’s big 
sister ! (They hate each other, and have not talked
since 1975).

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Gloria Stuart ~ Age 98

 

gloria_stuart[1] by you.
No, I’m NOT Ready For My Closeup,
Mr. DeMille !

 

 Notable Films:

The Old Dark House ~ 1932
The Invisible Man ~ 1933
Titanic ~ 1997

* Yep, that’s old Rose ! (Funny she is actually older
 than the last living survivor of the Titanic, one Mrs.
Millvina Dean, who is alive and well at age 96) !!!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Luise Rainer ~ Age 98

 

(1)36%20LuiseRainer[1] by you.
Did You Say You Are Going To “Mount” Rainer ?

 

  Notable Films:

The Great Ziegfeld ~ 1936
The Good Earth ~ 1937
Dramatic School ~ 1938

* She’s the first person to win back-to-back
Oscars for best actress (1936 and 1937) and
she’s also the oldest living Oscar recipient !

~  ~  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Well, there you have it.  I hope this thrilling information tides you over
until my return !!!  If I have missed someone BIG from the 1930′s, leave
me a comment (or send me an email) !  Don’t forget to check out my
AWESOME archives while I am away !!!  Thank you for reading.  More
great reviews coming to you SOON !

~

Daniel’s Critical Corner:  ALWAYS a “10″ out of “10″ !!!

~ Daniel Boyer Critical Corner

 

 

August 14, 2008

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “The X-Files: I Want To Believe”

Filed under: Film,Reviews — Daniel @ 7:25 am
Tags: , ,

 xfilesmoviepic2[2] by you.
Matthew McConaughey Did What With A Placenta ? 

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s Investigation:  The X-Files:
I Want To Believe

As the sun reflected in her dewy eyes, the beautiful woman
with the auburn hair looked longingly out the window.  Ever
patient, she tried to quell the deep aching in her heart.  Soon
he would come.  Her wet, thirsty desires quenched. 

They always came.  She was not to be denied.  The Cable Guy,
The Plumber, The TV Repairman, and yes, even the Postman. 
  He never had to ring twice.  (The key was left under the mat).  
And then there was the pool boy…  The NAUGHTY pool boy.
 Felipe.  He didn’t speak English but they both spoke the
language of love.

And now, there was the FBI agent.  Rugged.  Rough.  He
didn’t play by the rules, not like the others.  And this drove 
her insane.  Could she break him ?  Only time would tell…
Then a sound…  A car pulling into the driveway.  He had
arrived.   

Soon, forbidden passion would become a reality.  She could 
see his silhouette against the setting sun.  A man, standing
proud and sure.  The man she desired, the man who desired 
her.  He doesn’t knock.  He doesn’t use the key.  He kicks
 down the door, and within moments rips his shirt off.  He is 
    older than she.  Mature.  Knowledgeable.  Ready to teach her   
things…  Ready to tell her…

“Scully, we have a new case.  Get in the car, let’s go” !

What the heck ?  I can’t tell you how disappointed I was when 
this dude said that ! I thought this film was “X-Rated”.  Boy,  
was I in for a surprise.  Everyone in this movie has the acting
talent of a vegetable.  Talk about “soft corn” !!!  And the only
boob we get to see is in the form of David Duchovny. 
(Granted, he is quite supple) !  

David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are back once again   
as “Mold” and “Scrubby”,  trying to recapture some of the  
magic from the long dead “X-Files” series.  And let me tell 
you, they should have left well enough alone !  Anderson is 
starting to look like a cross between Jodie Foster and Margot 
Kidder…  Not the SEXY “Superman” Margot Kidder mind you, 
but the Margot Kidder of TODAY.  Duchovny has held up well, 
probably because he sold his soul to the devil in the third 
season.

 

 1528464983_76fae9857c[1].jpg_v=0 by you.

^ Margot Kidder: Then

 

pic[1].php_u=20822BEecP&i=712957 by you.

^ Margot Kidder: Now

 

At any rate, these two are flushed out of retirement and
into each others arms to crack yet another mysterious case. 
An FBI agent is missing, and women are turning up dead in a
snowy West Virginia town.  The only person who may be   
able to help them is an old priest who has done time for
child molesting.

This priest is really a creep, and to be honest he looks like a
character out of a really bad Stephen King movie.  One of the 
made-for-TV stinkers.  His hair is really lame and he runs like
Forrest Gump.

Well, he has “visions”.  He says there are two men responsible
for the murders.  The same men have kidnapped the FBI agent
who went missing.  Whenever the priest has a premonition, his
eyes bleed.  (My eyes did the same thing while watching this
awful flick).

There is indeed a shroud of mystery in “The X-Files: I Want
To Believe”.  What monster is behind the grizzly trail of body
parts being left to taunt the FBI ?  What vile creature could be
so callus ?  Aliens probably.  No.  I wish.  Warning:  Here are 
the spoilers…  The terrifying “evil” plaguing our heroes is  
none other than…

Homosexuals that got married in Massachusetts !  AAAAHHHH !

No.  I’m not one of those crazy “ballot people” from California. 
I’m telling you the truth.  It’s out there.  The “X-File’s” movie 
monsters are a legally married gay couple from Massachusetts.  
That’s not very “PC”.  I felt like reporting this movie to “La Bamba”
(or whatever they’re called). Or “Daddies Against Discrimination”. 
Or even  “The Rainbow Connection”.   

OK.  We are already going downhill here, but let’s not stop until 
we hit rock bottom.  The couple seems to have been turned to
the “dark side” because they were molested by the psychic 
priest as children.

Since they are gay, of course, these guys really want to be WOMEN. 
Whatever.  One of them is a brilliant scientist or something, and he  
creates a two-headed dog !!!  Suddenly, while looking at his strange 
“double dogger”,  he gets the BRIGHT idea to surgically put his head
on a woman’s body.  He tries, to some success.  But (giggle), the  
bodies keep rejecting his noggin ! So, if at first you don’t succeed,
die, die again.   

All the while this is going on, we have to suffer through our heroes
trying to rekindle their romance, Duchovny going on and on about
his long lost sister, and a heated banter about stem cell research.

 

x_files_main[2] by you.
Be Honest…  Do I Sort Of Look Like “Han Solo”  ? 

 

When we finally get to the climax, it’s hard to keep a straight face ! 
I wanted to laugh as “The Bride Of Dragenstein” comes off the slab.  
We have a wrinkled guy’s head on a sewn together woman’s body, 
sporting a truly impressive manicure (and painted nails). Then, the    
ugly thing lunges at the camera in a typical “scare” moment.  Don’t
get me wrong, I’m glad to see Cher back on the big screen but this
is just ridiculous.

This flick is such an affront to anyone with good taste.  The 
leads are obviously all bored, it’s ultra-low budget and they
actually turn the molester into some sort of glorified “hero” at
  the end.  He does however, drop dead.  Turns out he had lung  
cancer.  This character doesn’t cough even once, and he runs 
through the snow on more than one occasion like an Olympic
 Athlete.  Then BOOM.  Dead.  A heart attack would have made
 sense…  But this film isn’t about sense.

It’s about “Friends of Dorothy” Devising Diabolical
Decapitations !!!

There is one clever moment in the entire movie, (when they  
show a picture of George W. Bush and play the “X-Files” theme
music).  But after that, clever goes out the window, and in    
crawls the sex change patient from HELL.  No, I’m not talking 
about Nancy Pelosi.  LOL !!!  Ugh…  From what I’ve heard, the  
sequel isn’t going to be much better… 

Desiring to know what it feels like to “win”, Hillary Clinton tries
to get her head put on Brett Favre.  But this is done legally, and
money changes hands.  Hillary gives Brett a crisp new dollar bill
(for a 75 cent operation),  just so she can get a quaterback. 

“I Want To Believe”?  Hmmmph.  More like I want to throw up.

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “2.5″ out of “10″

 

 

August 4, 2008

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor”

Filed under: Film,Reviews — Daniel @ 7:15 am

3[1] by you.
This Is Just Tomb Much !

 ~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Unearthed Today:  The Mummy: Tomb of the
Dragon Emperor

Imagine if you will, a tomb.  Buried for centuries…  Now, Imagine darkness.
A darkness so bleak that it would terrify even the blind… A darkness, so
vast, that it is known only to the dead.  And then, imagine silence…

 Deep within the forgotten chambers, lies an empty vessel.  Once a man, now
a crumbling shell…  Abandoned centuries ago by even the maggots that used
to delight in feasting on its moist, rotting flesh. 

But then, into the darkness comes light.  Someone has stumbled upon this
ancient resting place.  Someone has spoken the words that will revive the now 
soulless silhouette of what used to be a human being.  Dried up lungs, devoid   
of air for an eternity, start to breathe again.  The creature (long silent), that  
used to laugh and sing of love, now tries to utter vengeful whispers through
cracked lips and breath riddled with dust. 

IT LIVES !  IT WALKS AGAIN !  Reaching out, looking for someone’s throat, 
(so that it may strangle them with skeletal fingers misshapen into claws)…  
Bringing about an eternity of anguish for whoever dares cross its vile path !

  OK, enough about Harrison Ford in “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the
Crystal Skull”.  Let’s start talking about the brand new “Mummy” movie !!! 

Darn it.  I had some great puns lined up for all of you today.  Such as “Who
would have figured Jet Li to be a wrap star” ? Or, “That’s a wrap” !  But,  
(much to my dismay), this movie is all crap and NO wrap.  What we have 
here is a “mummy-free” mummy movie.  Yep.  Not a single Ace Bandage to 
be found !!!  I’ve got no choice but to entertain everyone with jokes about 
pottery, and not of the “Harry” variety. 

What were they thinking ?  A mummy without bandages is like having a
werewolf without fur !  Dracula without fangs!  Amy Winehouse without
crack !  It just doesn’t WORK !

“The Mummy:  Tomb of the Dragon Emperor”, is the highly unanticipated
sequel to “The Mummy” and “The Mummy Returns”.  Brendan Fraser once
more portrays Rick O’Connell,  looking fresh as ever, ready to do battle 
again with icky undead entities.  His wife Evie is also on board, but this 
time Rachel Weisz has been replaced by Maria Bello.  No big deal there.

 

18838447[1] by you.
The New “Mummy Dearest”

 

  Rick and Evie find out that their son Alex (now an adult) has found an
ancient tomb in China.  But things start to escalate after they excavate.  
Alex, as it seems, just discovered the Pottery Barn FROM HELL.  One of 
China’s most feared Monarchs, “The Dragon Emperor” (Jet Li) is buried 
there, alongside his soldiers. They are all encased in terra cotta.  And,
according to this movie, that qualifies them to be mummies.  A far cry 
from the original bandaged beast, “Imhotep” !   

An ancient spell stirred up by double-crossing bad guys brings the evil 
terra cotta ruler and his minions to life, then they run amok.  Fortunately,  
these creatures are just made of clay, hence easy to break.  I’m thinking,  
what’s the big deal ?  So some overgrown “flower pots” with spears are
terrorizing the town.  No worries.  Ha !  Was I wrong.  It turns out, if they
go past the Great Wall of China, they become IMMORTAL and, therefore,
INDESTRUCTIBLE.  Of course…  Makes sense to me !  Plus, the demonic
Emperor Han (should’ve called him “Ham” with all of the overacting) does
not stay stoned through the entire film…  He is a mover and a shaper,
turning himself into a three-headed dragon !!! 

Sheesh.  Who comes up with this stuff ?  Well, the hapless O’Connell
family get help from an immortal ninja princess and her mother, a
good witch. Ever resourceful, this band of heroes builds an army of  
their own, out of skeleton soldiers and funny looking Yetis.  Yep. 
Abnormal Snowmen.  Talk about Abominable ! 

The “special” effects in this movie are pretty lame.  They would have
even been considered lame thirty years ago.  When we actually get to 
see Jet Li’s horrible face of terror (his plaster mask breaks off), it looks 
like someone raided the set of “Creepshow” or stole the “Crypt Keeper”
puppet.  I guess it really hurts being entombed in pottery for a couple
thousand years.  A dreadful condition known as Clay Achin’ ! 

 

mummy-3-jet-li[2] by you.
Get Your Tickets To “Riverdance” Today ! 

 

 One of the biggest distractions I found was that the entire movie had
a “claustrophobic” feel to it.  You just KNOW this flick was filmed on
some soundstage or small backlot, almost every step of the way.  With
perhaps a couple of exceptions,  I kept waiting for the edge of the    
green screen to show up ! 

But the “Inconsistency of the Year Award” goes to the character of
General Ming.  At the beginning of the story, it is implied that he is
torn apart from limb to limb.  Left to right.  Front to back. From sea
to shining sea.  EVERY appendage this guy has is tied to a different
horse.  Heck, I think they actually ADDED a couple of appendages
for affect !  And, of course the horses run in every direction (like 
this movie).  When he comes back from the dead, he is only
missing an arm.  Go figure. 

Also, Brendan Fraser is only 39 years old, and yet his son is played by 
Luke Ford, (age 27). That’s just freaky.  I’m willing to buy into illusion
somewhat, but c’mon now.  Would it have killed them to get an actual 
teenager to fill the son’s shoes ?  I guess it could have been worse…    
They originally had Mickey Rooney slated for the role, but he couldn’t
find his teeth.

If anything, this movie provides a nice little chaser for “The Dark Knight”.  
At least its heart is in the right place (a jar).  Nothing wrong with harmless
fluff.  The newspaper says that “The Dark Knight” made this movie number
two over the weekend !  Now THERE is an understatement !  LOL !  “Tomb
of the Dragon Emperor” is almost watchable as a guilty pleasure, but I’d
still wait for it as a rental.  You shouldn’t have to spend ten dollars on a
  movie that looks like it only cost about five to make.

Let’s lay this series to rest.  No need for it to “drag on” any further !

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “6″ out of “10″

 

 

« Previous Page — Next Page »

Theme: Rubric. Blog at WordPress.com.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.