Hello Everyone ! ~Welcome. Stay For ABite~
Today’s Horrific Hullabaloo: Rise of
Halloween Favorites
Behold the many glorious wonders of autumn ! Blankets of red and orange
leaves now bury cemeteries under ever-waning daylight. Birds start to look
South beneath an ominous Harvest Moon… And, even though it’s a bit chilly
outside, you can still place your tongue on a flagpole and not get stuck !
Best of all, Halloween is just around the dark corner… And I’ve got some
movies listed here guaranteed to give you the heebie-jeebies !!! Or maybe
just the heaves.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The Tingler
* No. It’s not a shampoo.
I Walked with a Zombie
* Then I went running with a vampire !
The Gravedancers
* Weren’t they on “America’s Got Talent” ?
Diary of the Dead
* Today at school, I finally worked up the nerve to eat Billy.
The Monkey’s Paw
* Argues with the Monkey’s Ma.
Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark
* Unless you’re in a hot tub with Ashton Kutcher !
Sorority Row
* Alpha Epsilon Die
~
Somebody’s Got An Axe To Grind.
~
The Boogeyman
* Who says disco is dead ?
Cujo
* A nice companion piece to “Old Yeller”.
The Thing
* Thawing out aliens is never a good idea.
The Howling
* Justin Bieber in concert !
Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes
* Sorry, I forgot to shut the gate behind me.
Borderland
* Michele Bachmann says this is her favorite Madonna song.
Fright Night
* Is a spooky delight.
Paranormal Activity 3
* This season’s final contestants on “Dancing with the Stars”.
I Eat Your Skin
* And have cheesecake for dessert !
The Fly
* Grab the swatter.
~
Stop Bugging Me !
~
Christine
* Honk if you love film critics !
The Stuff
* What Jamie Lee Curtis gobbles down to stay regular.
Nosferatu
* Gesundheit !
The Hands of Orlac
* Look Madge ! I soaked in it !
Deep Blue Sea
* Not to be confused with “Dolphin Tale”.
The Funhouse
* Also known as Charlie Sheen’s residence !
The Lawnmower Man
* Has hit yet another sprinkler.
Visiting Hours
* Are Over. See you next time !
~
Happy Halloween from Daniel’s Critical Corner ! Always a “10″ out of “10″. And always tickling
your funny bone!!!
Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Today’s Mystical Musings To Mull Over: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
As Christmas fast approaches, everybody’s scrambling to fill up their cups
with good cheer (and their car trunks with presents). In the midst of this
hustle and bustle, you may be finding yourself in need of a break. Where
can we go to escape all the happiness that’s being forced upon us !?
For violence, gore, gloom and sexual overtones, you need not look much
further than “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows”. Arguably, there are
several other somber cinematic options at the moment, such as “Faster”
and “Saw 3D”… But if you really want the taste of joy sandblasted from
your mouth, chew on this “Potter” installment.
Director Rob Zombie really gives us a grisly treat as he puts the screws
to the once adorable “Hogwarts” gang ! He… Whoops… I meant to say
director David Yates ! What on Earth made me think of Mr. Zombie ?
If you ask me, David Yates has become the new king of carnage. There
are many stellar examples in this thrilling review, so please read at your
own risk. Heck, watch the film at your own risk for that matter !!! Now,
I am not sure if a character named “Charity Burbage” getting swallowed
by a snake (after being tortured) qualifies as carnage, but it’s close !
Our story begins at a press conference (of sorts) where the “Minister of
Magic” is basically telling everyone they are screwed ! A moment later
we see an old, withered man staring out a window… The harsh ravages
of AGE have been gnawing away at his face !!! Has “Dumbledore” risen
from the grave ? Nope… It’s just Daniel Radcliffe as “Harry Potter”.
I’ve Been Feeling A LittleHorse Lately.
Harry’s family, the dreadful “Dursleys” are getting the Hell out of Dodge (so
to speak) because of the horrible, imminent danger headed towards them.
Running away from Privet Drive with their suitcases, they don’t say a word
regarding poor Potter, which is a shame because in the book they actually
show a hint of affection towards the guy.
Let’s face it, with a humble running time of only 146 minutes, how can any
resolution be squeezed in !? Yes, they squeeze Charity into a snake, but
she was a muggle-loving fool and she deserved it !
Hermione Granger (played again for the umpteenth time by Emma Watson)
also senses impending doom… To protect her parents, she uses a spell to
erase their memories of her. That’s all fine and dandy I suppose, until the
rest of her family comes calling, and the neighbors start asking questions !
“But we don’t have a daughter.” Sure. Try telling itto the police.
Anyway, our heroes soon rendezvous with the loveable dork “Ronald Bilius
Weasley” AKA “Ron” (played by Rupert Grint, who is really starting to look
more like Rupert Murdoch these days). Of course, humongous “Hagrid” is
on beard for this adventure as well. I mean board. He’s on board.
In order to get Harry to a safe haven (because vile “Voldemort” is still out
hunting for his head) Hagrid must sneak him out into the night. Tragically,
there is an ambush, and Potter’s owl “Hedwig” gets her angry inch blown
clean off. Feathers fly as the fowl is fried !!!
Speaking of hooters, there are a couple of strange scenes presented that
are somewhat inappropriate if you ask me… “Dolores Umbridge” would not
approve, to say the least ! It’s no secret that Harry wants to snog Ron’s
sister “Ginny”, and they make this quite clear in a rather spicy manner.
Dirty Harry
A short while later, we see Harry and Hermione (in a fabricated attempt to
make Ron mad) naked and snogging like there was no tomorrow ! Most of
their naughty bits are strategically covered by a tiny puff of smoke, which
implies that “Hallows” was just a small blur away from an “R” rating !
Save it for the stables, Radcliffe ! Now, I do understand that author J. K.
Rowling wants her characters to mature and grow. They can’t be children
forever (that goes without saying, unless we’re talkin’ about “Peter Pan”).
If he became an adult, should we watch him and “Wendy” hook up ?
Perhaps I am being too harsh. Hermione is actually a great “kid”, yet she
has terrible fashion sense. Wearing red to a wedding will never help any
girl’s image. Shocking, but true ! Miss Granger pulls a fashion faux pas of
mesmerizing proportion at the nuptials of her pal by sporting a red dress…
What’s next ? White shoes after Labor Day !?
Appalling apparel (and inappropriateness) aside, this seventh installment of
the beloved “Potter” franchise is structurally sound. Action abounds when
Harry tries to track down various “Horcruxes”, fighting creepy “Snatchers”
and “Death Eaters” on the way !
One or two Death Eaters from the novel seem to be absent… Rumor has it
they have become vegetarians ! At any rate, favorites such as “Severus
Snape” and “Bellatrix Lestrange” are around. Such ghoulish monsters bring
an almost unbearable feeling of dread, and at one point Bellatrix bumps off
the hobbit who always brags about his tacky Velcro-strapped boots !
Well, deck the hallows with boughs of holly, and then check out this merry
massacre of a motion picture. Visually stunning (despite having more tent
scenes than “Brokeback Mountain”) and fast-paced, “Potter” again proves
to be solid entertainment. Personally, I prefer the earlier, whimsical fare…
“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1″
puts the harm back in charm !
Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Popping And Locking Today: Step Up 3D
This is just a shot in the dark… But is anyone still living that recalls
a video by Janet Jackson titled “When I Think of You” ? Most folks
probably don’t know of it. A pleasant little jewel released sometime
during the “Mesozoic Era” ! Just one viewing will uncover the many
ancient secrets (and inspirations) behind “Step Up 3D”.
Janet (Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty) has been somewhat aloof these
days. Yes, she gave us some big hits and even brought some boob
to the Superbowl… I think his name was Justin Timberlake. Janet’s
still mighty fine, but what has she done for us lately ?
Like the brightly clad street urchin’s from her glorious MTV past, we
have yet another gang of kids utilizing garbage can lids (and similar
implements) while offending a variety of pedestrians and apartment
dwellers with modern dance.
I use the word kids loosely, as most of this group is a little long in
the tooth. I mean that quite literally in one case… “Moose”, fresh
out of “Step Up 2: The Streets” has indeed returned, played again
by Adam G. Sevani ! Adam looks like a cross between Elijah Wood
and a vampire, always ready to suck on someone’s neck.
Much to my surprise, Adam does everything but suck. A talented
and engaging actor, he busts out some mad dance skills in rather
unexpected places. I must admit, I was not expecting much from
him or this movie. Who didn’t think “Step Up 3D” was going to be
direct to DVD quality ?
Funky and fresh, this flick blew my socks off. Straight up ! Now,
no one was more shocked than I. The first installment was kinda
dope, but the second offering was lame. Sort of like that sequel
from the 80′s, “Break In Two: Electric Bungalow”. Or whatever it
was called…
Oh No… Am I Sweating ?
Anyway, Moose is starting college, with memories of his dancing
days far behind him. He just wants to make his parents happy,
and they will be as long as he does anything but boogie. That’s
reasonable… Heck, why do you think I became a movie critic !?
As he’s doing orientation for school, he tells his girlfriend (Alyson
Stoner from the original “Step Up”) that they can finally spend a
lot of time together. Moose has become a big dud since he quit
dancing, but he can now date until his heart’s content.
Of course, his resolutions seem to be short-lived… Everything is
going well until he gets “dance mugged” in the bathroom ! No, I
am not talking about George Michael here… Some random freak
starts breakin’ by the urinals during a bizarre dance-off.
Moose escapes his assailant thanks to some fancy footwork and
a couple of sinks, but he knows it’s only a matter of time before
he is accosted again… His talents don’t go unnoticed, however,
as some good-natured hoofers have been watching from afar !
This pack is led bydance guru “Luke” (Rick Malambri)… He tries
to help young, frightened and seemingly unemployed people find
their souls by giving them a place to practice assorted routines.
All he asks in return is that they become his slaves and help him
win assorted competitions !!!
Luke runs a pimped-out studio of sorts where his many followers
can live and dance (as long as they do the dishes). Everyone is
content with this situation, but because these bums never pay
any rent, foreclosure is imminent ! Hmmm… Makes one wonder
if this ever happened to “Billy Elliot”.
The “Village People” Vs. “Ice-T”
They call themselves “Pirates”, I’m not sure why, but maybe it’s
because they like to shake some booty. Before anybody has to
get a job (phew) an opportunity miraculously presents itself for
some serious cash… A dance battle known as the “World Jam”.
Not only does Luke need to win the prize money, he must also
capture the heart of a beautiful dancer named Natalie (Sharni Venison Vinson). Man… I was on the edge of my seat. Could
Luke wind up alone walking the streets ? Or will the studio be
saved along with his romance ? GULP ! Well, off to the World
Jam he goes, with Moose in tow…
Now things pick up. The dancing competitions are impressive.
I commend director Jon Chu on such innovative choreography,
who at times almost channels Busby Berkeley. A multitude of
creative sequences cover up the cheesy plot nicely !
Several different formats of dance are on display here, shown
in different elements and environments. Breathtaking scenes
utilize today’s 3D technology to the hilt !!! There’s a little bit
of old school, new school and even some homeschool.
At one point, we have a sultry tango… Then, we are treated
to a “Singing in the Rain” tribute. Some dude even shows up
and starts doing the “Robot” (and the robot loves it) !
Many films use 3D to “enhance” the experience, but this flick
works every angle, and instead of CGI the special effects are
real people. Topping things off is a rousing soundtrack that
punctuates every move with incredible precision !!! Even as
the closing credits roll, cool stuff is happening…
So, Hip-Hop over to the theater and enjoy “Step Up 3D” !!!
Sorry, Wrong Number. There’s No “Woodpecker” Here !
Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Today I Will Be Playing With: Toy Story 3
For young adults, saying farewell to beloved playthings has become a rite of
passage. This often signifies the bittersweet end of a long journey, bringing
with it life-changing and inevitable conclusions… Vivid imaginations are now
effectively corralled, making room for the various realities and responsibilities
grown-ups must face.
Perhaps I am jaded, but if your toys are indeed used up and broken, common
sense dictates they must be thrown out. Especially if your name is Dr. Ruth !
In “Toy Story 3″, Andy (who was just a tiny kid in the first two installments)
is at a pivotal age, gettin’ ready to leave home for college. What mementos
of his childhood should he take with him ?
He only has so much room in his car, and almost half of that is already spoken
for due to large amounts of acne cream. Not to mention his humongous stash
of “Twilight” books and merchandise… (Don’t tell his mom, she worries enough
about him already). She thinks “Team Edward” has something to do with the
World Cup.
Andy has sadly forgotten about his old pal “Woody”(voiced by Forrest Gump)
and his spaced-out companion “Buzz Lightyear” (voiced by Santa Claus). The
cowboy and astronaut duo are actually toys that come to life when no one is
looking. Almost like “Night at the Museum”, except without Ben Stiller !
Unlike Ben, our college-bound student does not know about the secret life his
action figures have been living… If he did, he probably would not have stored
them in a dark chest for several years . And they sure as heck wouldn’t have
wound up inside a trash bag (as they do) headin’ for a permanent residency
amid the attic rafters !
Wait… Did You Just Say I Look Like “Justin Bieber” ?
Yes, the horrible attic… A mausoleum of memories, where yesteryear’s dusty
remnants are hidden away from sunlight ! (It’s merely purgatory for Christmas
decorations and plastic pumpkins). Andy’s friends do their best to keep a stiff
upper lip, all while dreading an impending journey upstairs.
Following some crazy mixups, the toys find themselves out on a curb as trash !
Woody is spared, but Buzz and a few other notable characters are now in quite
a pickle. Our favorites from the prior “Toy Story” instalments (such as yodeling
cowgirl “Jessie” and “Mr. Potato Head”) are now virtually enshrouded with black
plastic, sitting next to smelly garbage. Let me just say… That’s harsh.
Admittedly, this stuff was really tugging at my heartstrings. If you thought the
first few minutes of “Up” were tragic, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Sure, dead old
ladies make forsad scenarios. But before watching our loved ones get wrinkles,
there is that moment when we feel we are too “cool” to actually sit on the floor
and play with dolls or “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”.
This movie manages to convey the wide range of emotions associated with such
transitions in a subtle manner. Shown from the toys’ vantage point, abandoning
most vestiges of youth is sure to resonate with audiences everywhere. We can all understand the anguish !
As luck would have it, Andy’s perplexed pals are spared the garbage truck fate.
They are instead sent over to the daycare center… FROM HELL!!! Things will
never go over easy if you are a good egg at “Sunnyside” ! Rogue toys rule the
roost, locking up nice playthings and then offering them as sacrifices to rowdy,
evil children.
Borrowing heavily from “Prison Break” (and maybe even “The Green Mile”), this
flick becomes intense as our heroes plan their escape… I think someone gets
shanked. Romance and intrigue come into the equation as new alliances form.
Careful There… She’s Just Trying To Push Your Buttons !
Jessie and Buzz get rather cozy !!! But what happens with “Barbie” and “Ken”
is nothing short of disturbing. Barbie is on board for the adventure (voiced by
Jennifer Tilly) with sinister intentions. Her ex-boyfriend Ken has been dead for
many years, yet she’s got a plan to resurrect the murderous fiend !
After reading a few chapters in the book “Voodoo for Dummies”, Barbie starts
her candlelit ritual. Wearing a vile amulet known as “The Heart of Damballa”,
she chants “Give me the power, I beg of you!”
At first, there is nothing… Then, while a storm rages on outside, Ken comes
back from beyond the grave !!! This bloodthirsty beast is actually housing
the soul of serial killer “Charles Lee Ray”, and… Um… Whoops ! I think I’ve
made an error. (“Bride of Chucky” was on TV last night) ! Sorry. OK, back
to the subject at hand…
Ken and Barbie are fairly decent dolls trying to help Woody’s gang get away
from Sunnyside. There aredespicable toys though, in the form of a plump
bear named “Lotso” and an ominous octopus they call “Stretch” !!! Whoopi
Goldberg is wonderful as Stretch (who happens to be the color purple) !
By the end of this mesmerizing tale, a tear ran down my left cheek. I don’t
make it a habit of crying during movies… But man, I carry some GUILT with
me regarding what happened to my toy collection. When I was a teenager
I thought there was no harm in abusing my former playthings. No one told
me they were alive !
In retrospect, I did hear some muffled screaming after I buried my “Bionic
Man” figure in the backyard… Chalked it up to an overactive imagination.
The worst crime ever committed against my childhood comrades was with
two “Star Wars” figures. “Princess Leia” and “Obi-Wan Kenobi” !
If you saw the film “Splice”, you might get a kick out of this… I took off
Obi-Wan’s head and put it on Princess Leia’s body. Poor things ! An old
dude’s noggin on a cute girl’s frame. Facial hair and all !!! Well, looking
at Carrie Fisher these days, there is a rather striking resemblance.
Andy’s toys fare much better in Pixar’s latest masterpiece. Everything’s
coming around full circle in our character’s saga… Thankfully, they stay
true to themselves while being showcased in glorious 3D !!! It’s a blast
seeing just how far they’ve come.
Worthy of the Buzz being generated, “Toy Story 3″ is enchanting fun !
I’m Not Only A Member Of “Hair Club For Men”,
I’m The President !!!
Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Today’s Ferocious Feature: The Wolfman
Lurking in shadows, the beast awaits… Its unsuspecting human prey
illuminated by an imposing full moon. Sensing danger, our intended
victim hurries along her path, hoping to reach home (whilst shrouded
in a security blanket of fog).
Sadly, the wayward waif shall never set foot at her humble abode on
this accursed night. She has been marked… FOR DEATH. A fiendish
creature must feed !!! There is a moment or two of screaming, then
nothing but the sound of warm flesh being ripped from bone.
Away from human eyes, gnashing teeth chomp on entrails as a furry
and fantastical freak revels in carnivorous carnage. With hair coated
in gore the monster goes back from whence it came… Sometimes on
all fours, and sometimes on two legs (wearing the clothing of a man).
OK, enough about “G-Force”. Yes, it’s a fun movie… But guinea pigs
are so overrated ! If you want a little finesse with your fuzzies, look
no further than Universal’s “The Wolfman”.
I’ve got to admit, I was scared going into this one ! Hairy monsters
have always terrified me, ever since I was a young lad. Bigfoot, The
Abominable Snowman, werewolves and Diana Ross ALL give me really
bad nightmares.
^ Bigfoot Diana Ross
This new flick is a “Scream Come True” for horror lovers, as it emulates
the classic 1941 version quite well (with a touchof modern sensibility).
Notable Hollywood legends who first gave the Wolfman his bite are now
sadly long gone, but here’s a fitting and refreshing tribute to them !
Who could forget Lon Chaney Jr. running around foggymoors at night
with a rug glued to his face ? Claude Rains and beautiful Evelyn Ankers
were in tow for shrieks and giggles !
Today, we get Benicio Del Taco Toro filling the paws of Lon Chaney Jr.
with respectful and wonderful results… No surprise there ! As it turns
out, Del Toro is a GIANT fan of the original “Wolf Man”, and owns tons
of authentic shaggy memorabilia !!!
Ha Ha ! Isn’t it funny, back in those days they actually named people
(giggle) “Lon”. Hey, no offense if your name happens to be Lon. But
statistically speaking, if your name perchance is Lon, you are way too
old to read this. More than likely, you’re probably dead…
Anyway, Del Toro portrays “Lawrence Talbot”, a strange dude sporting
a “Beatles” hairdo (and hiding more than one skeleton in his closet). He
is a late 19th-century Shakespearean actor who must travel homeward
to Daddy’s musty old estate because somebody ate his brother.
Anthony Hopkins appropriately plays Lawrence’s ambivalent father, “Sir
John Talbot”, who seems bothered more by the incessant howling he’s
heard after sunset than the fact that one of his children is dead. First,
those darn lambs wouldn’t shut up, now he has wolves to contend with.
The Village People warn him of something very sinister !
Hey Man… It’s A Werewolf !!!
Lawrence and John soon realize they have more than a hairy handful of
trouble when people start showing up looking like ground beef ! To add
to this mayhem is busty Gwen (Emily Blunt) and a funny-looking bloke,
Detective Abberline of Scotland Yard (Hugo Weaving).
Abberline has his eye set on the Talbots, while Lawrence goes down to
a gypsy camp looking for answers… He stumbles upon a fortune-teller
named “Maleva” (played by Charlie Chaplain’s daughter, Geraldine) then
he encounters a dancing bear ! Um… No, I am not talking about Diana
Ross again.
This bear seems to be a little perturbed, and falls out of step during his
soft-shoe rendition of “Cabaret”. Animals can often sense danger, and
sure enough, a blood-thirstywerewolf is waiting to pounce.
Under a macabre moon, the creature eats gypsies, tramps and thieves.
And he washes ‘em all down with (a couple bottles) of Doctor Good. In
the commotion, poor Lawrence gets nibbled on while tryin’ to intervene.
Of course, this means he is going to transform eventually himself…
Maleva chants: “Even a man who is pure of heart and says his prayers
by night, may become awolf when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn
moon is bright”. (Could be an advertisement for Benadryl).
The 2010 Census: We Will Find You.
One of the film’s few faults is that it drags on just a little as we wait for
our cursed cad to lurch into lycanthropy ! A lot of “blah, blah blah” and
plenty of “yada yada yada” before he terrorizesthe countryside.
Inspired music from Danny Elfman takes you there, and it really adds an
authentic touch of mystery too. Who’s the human behind the werewolf
that bit Talbot ? Are foul deeds afoot ? Is that a foot in the ditch ?
At one point, the troubled townspeople decide to set a trap for our evil
entity by tying a stag to a rope, then waiting in the bushes with rifles !
Things go south when the stag breaks free just as the beast shows up.
(The stag runs one way, and several men run screaming in the opposite
direction).
Because they look somewhat tastier, Wolfy Boy decides to chase after
the menfolk !!! Hmmm… Sounds like Adam Lambert in concert. LOL !!!
Forgive me, that was a real howler. Nonetheless, victims pile up whilst
getting plowed down.
The atmospheric cinematography and spooky special effects make for a
treat on the big screen ! This werewolf is extra scary, mainly because
he looks like a man possessed by an animal. In flicks such as “Twilight”
and “Underworld” these loup-garous just look like big dogs.
Michael Jackson got it right in his “Thriller” video ! And Michael J. Fox tried getting it right in “Teen Wolf”. Now, director Joe Johnston brings
us a fun, old-fashioned horror movie that recognizes what creeps folks
out. All while boasting some HOT werewolf-on-werewolf action at the
end…
Go sink your teeth into “The Wolfman”. It’s full-bodied entertainment !
Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Getting A Waxing Today: The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Imagine if you will, a little old lady walking slowly through the woods. She is
hunched over, with locks of grayish hair cascading down her huge dowager’s
hump. On her tiny, shriveled nose sits a disgusting wart. A wart that she’s
been pickin’ at (with gnarled, bony fingers) for days on end. Sadly, without
anybody to drive her to bingo, how else can she spend her time ?
She wanders into a field, reminiscing about her spent youth… Forgotten so
it seems, as almost everyone she knew has passed. An album of obituaries
now replaces her Christmas card list… With a glazed eye fixed forward, she
plods ahead, dragging a small metallic tank over sticks and rocks.
All is silent, with the exception of the rhythmichiss of her oxygen machine,
forcing life’s air into her withered lungs… There is also a very light slapping
noise as her drooping melons hit her recently replaced knees ! This granny
rests for a second, and is startled when a hand gently touches her ancient
shoulder. It’s her young stud of a lover. He remembered their rendezvous.
No, I am not talking about Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher… I am talking
about Bella, the heroine of “The Twilight Saga: New Moon”. Bella’s having
visions of her possible grim future with her funny lookin’ undead boyfriend.
Indeed, she is a mortal dating a nauseating nosferatu.
This dud’s dude’s name is Edward Cullen (played uninterestingly by Robert
Pattinson) and if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear he was a “Chia Pet”.
Bella’s a pretty teenage girl without a care in the world who really wants
to invent new ways of suffering (played depressingly by Kristen Stewart)
I mean, happiness is so 2006 !
She moves to a dark town and drives some old beat-up truck, but that’s
not tragic enough for this chick. Finding a cold, pale neck-sucker is her
cup of black tea. Her man might not have a pulse, but he does leave a
mean hickey !
Of course, she wants to become a vampire herself. That’s a mighty big
commitment sweetheart ! With the divorce rate as high as it is, turning
yourself into “Dracula’s Darling” could be a disaster… What if you really
aren’t that compatible ? What if you grow apart after eighty years ?
It would be like one of those guys who gets a tattoo of his “true love’s”
name on his chest when he is nineteen !!! At age forty he is married to
Sue but still inked with Brenda’s moniker. Ha Ha !!! What a twit. Bella
doesn’t see it like that though… The last thing she wants is to be some
hag hangin’ with a hunk.
Edward gets tired of Bella’s nagging, and decides tobail… He leaves town,
forcing her into the arms of a sexy young werewolf !!! (Yes, she is basically
every parent’s worst nightmare). Her dad has to sit on the porch holding a
rifle filled with silver bullets. At least he can finally toss out that garlic !
Speaking of garlic, each time Edward and Bella lock lips, it looks as if one of
them has eaten an anchovy pizza withextraonions !!! Honestly, they both
react like someone’s going to barf… Remember when Edward first met Bella
in “Twilight” ? He actually gagged ! (But then again, who didn’t) ? I think
it’s because to him, she smells like a hamburger and he’s now a vegetarian.
That is probably why Edward does not care much for werewolf Jacob Black,
played by Taylor Lautner in a meaty role. Jacob has a thing for Bella, and
almost wins her heart. The problem is, even though he’s a beast, he’s also
an attractive and spontaneous guy… BIG turn-off for our peculiar princess.
With Count Spankula out of the picture, Bella becomes rather blue! There
is a wonderfully cliché scene where she looks outside her bedroom window,
watching the seasons change without word from Edward. Jacob’s ready to
cheer her up, and does so by getting a decent haircut and fixing her bike…
(She still frowns and probably listens to “Bauhaus” albums backwards) !
Bella… Lugosi’s Dead. But I’m Here For You !
Soon, the once boring Bella channels “Evel Knievel” and becomes a totally
wild adrenalin junkie. She realizes that whenever she’s close to death, her
batty boyfriend materializes for a minute or two ! Talk about putting “fun”
back in dysfunctional !!!
Things get really crazy when some icky blood-slurping fiends come after
our odd bunch… Fur starts to fly as Jacob does battle with beatniks from
beyond the grave. Arguably, some moments at times are pretty exciting,
and this flick’s soundtrack punctuates the action perfectly.
During one melee, it appears as if Bella has died. She is OK, but Edward
thinks she has passed away… He feels guilty for leaving her, and for not
turning her into a vampire. Overwhelmed with grief, he decides to end it
all (but not before finally taking a walk on the wild side) !
He rips his clothes off and goes streaking in front of a parade. Perhaps
“Macy’s” needed higher ratings this year ? Some little brat points at him
and laughs, causing the chastised Cullen to retreat towards a castle.
While there, poor Edward must go on trial in front of a panel of vampires
so diabolical, that even the “American Idol” judges would cringe at the
thought… Known as the “Volturi”, this VILE coven rules with an iron fist
and polished fang. They want to rip Edward’s head off for hanging out
with humans and running around nude in public.
Hmmm… I wonder what they would do to Adam Lambert ? Anyway, it
looks like Bella’s Fella is in hot water. Will he survive ? I won’t give any
spoilers. But if you are one of themillions that’s already read Stephenie
Meyer’s young-adult romance series, you know what happens… Kind of
cool (and kind of silly) these moody weirdos have me looking forward to
2010′s “Eclipse” !
Although made of cheese, “New Moon” is not “Twilight’s” last gleaming !
Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Today, I’m setting my sights on: A Lonely Place for Dying
There is something to be said for a movie that grabs your attention
from the word “go” and engages you for almost every moment you
are involved. When said movie is of the independent ilk, accolades
must be given. “A Lonely Place for Dying” is really a prime example
of what independents can (and should) be.
Writer/Director Justin Evans is fine-tuning his sharp signature style
by involving the viewer on every level imaginable. I can’t help but
shower this film with praise. It leaves me anticipating what Evans
will do next !
One of the shining gems in this venue is Ross Marquand, who plays
a soviet turncoat named Nikolai Dzerzhinsky. The year is 1972 and
Nikolai has become disillusioned with the KGB… He tries to get out
by trading secrets, only to discover that what he’s falling into may
be a worse alternative !!! He eventually holes up in an abandoned
Mexican prison, facin’ down an assortment of “colorful” characters
that could be either friend or foe.
Photo above: Ross Marquand. Photo below: Michael Scovotti.
Because I Could Not Stop For Death,
He Kindly Stopped For Me
~ Emily Dickinson
Tension builds as Nikolai figures out who wants him out alive, and
who wants the prison to be his tomb. Marquand is very effective
as a person who can be somebody’s strong ally one instant, then
torture them the next with an almost childlike glee.
Ross Marquand gives a performance we (usually) only see from the
most seasoned of actors, taking this movie to another level… And
completely transcending the independent genre in the process !
Also on board here are: Michael Scovotti (who emulates a 1970′s
agent so well that it’s uncanny) and the always enjoyable James
Cromwell… Not to mention “The Crow’s” Michael Wincott !
“A Lonely Place for Dying” does not ever look, sound or feel like an
independent film. The writing is superb, the scenery stunning and
the lighting amazingly atmospheric. Sure, it’s gritty when it needs
to be, and often feels claustrophobic only to highlight moments of
liberation. Evans provides a taut, suspense-laden roller coaster,
and I’d be hard-pressed to say I have seen a better indie this year.
Definitely right on target, “A Lonely Place for Dying” is a direct hit.
Sarah McLachlan (Right) Getting A Hug At “Lilith Fair”
~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s Shaggy Schlock: Where the Wild Things Are
This Halloween season, I’m sure many fine people are going to be wondering
exactly “Where the Wild Things Are”. Some will take solace in the fact that
they are notall in David Letterman’s dressing room… Folks can actually find
beasties galorelurking throughout Spike Jonze’s new adaption of the classic
children’s book penned by Maurice Sendak !
At times, this dark flick feels like it was really penned by Jacqueline Susann
(Valley of the Dolls) or Sylvia Plath (The Bell Jar). This “kid’s” story sure as bloody HELL did not translate into a kid’s movie… It’s a PG version of “The
Omen” laced with moments reflecting “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”. I
couldn’t tell if I was watching “The Bad Seed” or “Born Free” !
Our “hero” is some brat named Max. I disliked this young man about three
minutes or so into the film… For starters, he has some strong anger issues
and his mother dresses him funny. Little Mad Max is the kind of character
you really want to see get beat up on the playground ! He is not wearing
any jet-black eyeliner yet, but he’s one “Hot Topic” shopping spree away
from becoming EMO !!!
Granted, Max does have a hard life for a child… We never see him playing
video games (abnormal) and he doesn’t even seem to own an iPod !!! This
forces him to build snow forts, play with sticks and use his imagination. If
I saw my son out in the street playing with a stick, I would just hand his
lunch money to bullies myself. Sticks are soooo 1952.
Part of the problem stems from his parents being divorced. Or maybe they
are separated… I’m not sure. Whatever the circumstance, Max has ended
up living with his mom and sister. One fateful night, this kid sees his mama
getting groped by some dorky dude on the sofa…
Max freaks out… But that’s what happens when bodies start slappin’ (from
doin’ the Wild Thing). She wanna do the Wild Thing !!! Please, baby baby
please !
Hangin’ Out Is Always Hype !
Max’s mom and “date” are angry that the boy has ruined their good time…
The traumatized tot tears up the house while his mother attempts to find
some Prozac (to no avail) ! He proceeds to bite his mommy and then runs
out into the street, dressed as a squirrel and howling like a banshee.
What happens next is magical… Sort of. Cujo Max runs to a waterfront
area where he gets into a boat and sales off to an enchanted world ! In
tragic reality, this twit is having a big medication withdrawal and foaming
at the mouth while laying semi-conscious on a dirty beach.
His dark, inner demons spring to life in a fantastical fashion !!! We meet
odd creatures resembling the “Sid and Marty Krofft” puppets (after being
coated with glue and tossed in a giant pile of Natalie Merchant’s leg-hair
shavings). This is of course, assuming that Merchant indeed shaves her
legs.
^ Another Avant-Garde “Burger King” Commercial
I mention Natalie Merchant only because of the style of this film’s soundtrack.
It’s kind of folky, but not good old-fashioned granola folky. It’s like screaming
angry-hippie bongo animal folk ! Folking ridiculous if you ask me… If I wanted
to be entertained by slightly miffed bohemians, I would watch “Rent”.
Anyway, Max starts to hang out with these large, wild monsters. All of them
have major problems (but cute names) !!! Carol (voiced by James Gandolfini)
is the leader of the pack, and he likes to break things… His girlfriend has left
him (KW, voiced by Lauren Ambrose) so he’s totally bummed out.
Assorted fuzzy (and feathered) friends help Max become king, and Max uses
everything in his power to cheer Carol up !!! Carol eventually comes around,
but not before ripping someone’s arm off.
At times, “Where the Wild Things Are” reminded me of “Jon & Kate Plus 8″.
Horrible hair, depressing adult situations, assorted goblins running around
and loads of shrieking. Sad in a way… Yet not a total loss. Despite being
far removed from the vibe the book put out, this flick is artfully done.
How Do You Work ThisConfounded Camera ?
Beautiful imagery and nice special effects abound. But the plot’s much too
heavy-handed, and the resolution of everyone’s issues is muddled. OK, so
the director did something bold and daring. Kudos to him ! He embellished
on a story we all know and love… (I’m glad he avoided doing Dr. Seuss and
others).
Can you imagine ? “Horton Hears a Who!” (because of the hallucinogens).
Or, “Clifford the Big Red Dog” (gets taken behind the shed) !!! How about
adorable “Curious George” (and the intriguing electrical outlet) ?!! Perhaps
the already morose “Velveteen Rabbit” (in a “Fatal Attraction” remake).
Fact is, it’s pretty easy (and in vogue these days) to turn something fun
and lighthearted into atragedy. I’d give a cookie to someone who could
do the opposite ! Maybe transform Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Raven” into a sweet, heartwarming tale of happiness and hope…
Ha !!! When I first heard about this project, for some reason I thought
it was being directed by “Spike Lee” ! Now there’s a movie worth seeing
at any cost. “Do the Right Wild Thing” !
I’m sure it would have been more entertaining than this incarnation… Not
a good film, not a bad film. Just an adequate study regarding the effects
of steroids on Teletubbies.
“Where the Wild Things Are” is full of sound and furry, signifying nothing.
Harry, Do These “Horse Fancy” Magazines Belong To You ?
Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Today’sSpellbinding Tale: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Everybody’s favorite boy wizard is back, working his movie magic once more in
what can only be called a breathtaking extravaganza !!! Hmmm… Wait just a
moment. Can I still call this dude a “boy” wizard ? That’s like referring to Don
Rickles as a “boy” comedian ! Or calling Joe Biden a “boy” vice president… At
any rate, “Harry Potter” has returned (albeit a little long in the tooth).
Speaking of long in the tooth… What on Earth has happened to Maggie Smith ?
She again plays the Professor of Transfiguration “Minerva McGonagall”, who we
first met as an old, shaggy pussy of sorts. (Remember her taking the shape of
a feline in “The Sorcerer’s Stone”) ? Now it appears as if she is trying to pass
some stones after morphing herself into Bette Davis from “Hush… Hush, Sweet
Charlotte”. This geriatric gal’s a grumpy psycho !!!
When Prof. McGonagall graces appears on the screen in “Harry Potter and the
Half-Blood Prince”, I audibly said “Oh, My GOD !”, as little kids in the audience
started shrieking… And then, they have the audacity to give this film a “PG”
rating. Whatever. LOL !!! If she would smile once in a blue moon, she would
not look so Hagrid.
Headmaster “Dumbledore” arguably doesn’t look much better. He kicks off our
flick by flying Harry around the town like the “Ghost of Christmas Past”, telling
the fledgling wizard to hang on to his cloak. Dumbledore’s hand appears to be
horribly mangled, and we soon learn why… He bopped Perez Hilton upside the
noggin after the gossip queen outed him earlier this year !
Our elderly heroes still manage to totally rock though, and I love ‘em for it !
They again join forces with Harry and the gang, and despite their advanced
age, everyone is still filled with adventure. Watching these child stars grow
up has been a real treat !!!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Mickey Rooney as “Harry Potter”
Shirley Temple as “Hermione Granger”
Danny Bonaduce as “Ron Weasley”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
To those of you still untouched by Harry Potter (I was going to put a Michael
Jackson joke in there, but it’s probably too soon) Harry’s a young wizard who
goes to school at an enchanted place called “Hogwarts”.
This campus is a beautiful, whimsical castle where portraits come to life and
fairies dance in the garden !!! At least that’s what the brochure says. Truth
be told, I would NEVER let my kids go there… It’s basically the portal to hell.
But with staff trained in the art of the “liability waiver”, no one really cares !
Samuel L. Jackson did. Once. However he was quieted with a “Shuthimupo”
potion. Sam had burst into a parent/teacher conference screaming, “There
Are Mother F**king Snakes In This Mother F**king School !” (The teachers
then drugged him and tossed him on a plane next to a strange package).
With danger (and dead students) around every turn, it’s a small miracle that
Harry Potter hasn’t gone stark raving MAD !!! If this were real life, the poor
kid would have some heavy issues. Aside from dressing like Marilyn Manson
and becoming a fan of “Twilight”, he would most likely start smokin’ grass.
Yep. Grass !!! The Devil’s Lettuce ! He’d get high to escape the horrors in
his life. We would be treated to flicks such as “Harry Pothead and the Bong
of Bewitchment”, or perhaps “Harry Pothead and the Half-Baked Prince”. He
would inevitably land in prison. Then we would have a TV series called “The
Wizard of Oz” !
Anyway, foul deeds are afoot as the dreaded “Voldemort” sends out his scary
minions to supplant Dumbledore and company (with an agenda most sinister).
After killing Harry’s parents years ago, moldy Voldy now wants him dead too !
What a creep…
Villains like to recruit bullies, so Voldemort finds a sucker in vile young “Draco
Malfoy”. Draco is one of Potter’s schoolmates, and he’s always been jealous
of him. But jealous of what ? Potter hangs out with hideous trolls and some
old fellow in a dress (not to mention he’s got a HUGE red scar on his head) !
Maybe he is envious of his sporty wardrobe ?
Abra… Abrac… Abercrombie !!!
Gandalf Dumbledore and his protege have to embark on some sort of journey
that will involve finding a piece of cheap jewelry, in hopes of using it to stop
the dark forces plotting their demise. After hittin’ all of the pawn shops and
several garage sales, the guys are about to give up empty-handed…
Luck does eventually shine down on our pals, when a parched Dumbledore
sucks all of the water out of an ornate birdbath. He almost pukes, but the
tawdry bauble they have been hunting for is at the bottom !!! Next time, I
would suggest “eBay” !
In addition to finding this treasure, Potter has to stay on his guard with an
odd educator who came out of retirement recently… He wants to “Collect”
Harry. (So that’s what they’re calling it now) !
To make matters worse, Harry is falling for Ron’s little sister “Ginny”. And
Hermione is starting to fall in love with Ron ! (Ginny states that it’s about
time, and I’m inclined to agree)… They hit puberty back in 1942, so things
are loooong overdue.
Rounding out our colorful cauldron of characters, we have “Luna Lovegood”
(a rather quirky breath of fresh air) and the mysterious “Severus Snape” !
The cracked-out Stevie Nicks wannabe “Bellatrix Lestrange” also returns for
good measure, played yet again with fiendish glee by Helena Bonham Carter.
Truly a joy to behold, J.K. Rowling’s imagination is brought to vivid life once
more in glorious fashion… “Harry Potter” done with an art house sensibility.
(Sometimes awash with vibrant hues, and at other times reflecting a silent
film with grainy sepia tones) !
Credit must be given not only to director David Yates, but to his brilliantly
evolved cast. The only fault this movie has is that it’s nothing more than
a bridge (connecting books five and seven). Aesthetically very appealing
but lacking clear resolutions… However, there ishope hidden deep within
the shadows, promising to one day answer all of our questions.
I did love “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”, Hogwarts and all !!!
~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s Autobotography: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
The sizzilin’ summer of 2009 continues to plow full speed ahead with
“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” tearing up the theaters !!! It
is “Indiana Jones” meets “The Fast and the Furious” ! And (in some
places) it is rather along the lines of “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” meets
the “Paris Hilton Sex Tape” !
Shocking but true. Yes, here at “Critical Corner” that sort of thing
qualifies as quality entertainment ! For some odd reason, this new
“Transformers” installment features not one, but TWOdog humping
scenes ! Oh, Michael Bay. How you can delight and horrify at the
same time amazes me.
I haven’t seen anything quite like this since the DVD of “Underdog:
Unrated and Unleashed” came out !!! Even before that, there was
“Cujo: The Caligula Cut”. These pooches really need to get a room.
May I suggest “Hotel for Dogs” ?
A sequel to 2007′s hugely successful “Transformers”, “ROTF” brings
back all of our favorite robots ! Hmmm… Let me see… I dig these
movies but I can’t remember every single name. Heck, let’s give it
a try ! There’s Dynamo and Megabot. Um… We have Supertramp
and Doppelganger… Also Nickleback !!! Isn’t there a Lion-O !? My
favorite is Star Search. LOL !
Once again, these characters (more or less) join forces with Megan
Fox and Shila Boof (or whatever his name is) in yet another grand
adventure. This time around, our heroes have to battle an ancient
evil !!! It just so happens that the Decepticons (bad robots) have
been hiding out on Earth for centuries, waiting to wreak havoc on
the unsuspecting planet…
Sneaky buggers. No wonder they are called “Decepticons”. They
even beat up on some innocent cave-dudes… It almost made me
feel bad for bashing “10,000 B. C.” !!! Anyway… These malicious
machines are running amok, and there’s only one power that can
stop them… The Autobots !!! To the uninitiated, the “Autobots”
are good robots that transform into cars and other vehicles.
Phew… I’ve Got Some BadGas !
* Warning: If you are not enthralled yet, you probably should just
stop reading this… Go watch “The Queen” and sip on some tea !!!
(I will admit, Helen Mirren earned the hell out of that Oscar).
Leading the Autobots is one mean Mother Trucker they call “Optimus
Prime” (voiced by Peter Cullen) ! He is just a tad worried because his
arch-enemy “Megatron” has been pulled from his watery grave by the
deplorable Decepticons and resurrected. While doing so, they had to
remove an octopus from his face ! Wait… Maybe I’m thinking of that
“Paris Hilton” tape again.
Prime starts to sweat diesel when he discovers Megatron is in cahoots
with “The Fallen”, a metallic monster that wants to devour our sun !
Talk about heartburn. All of the “Pepto” in the universe couldn’t even begin to touch that.
Meanwhile, back in the human’s world, Shila Boof plays Sam Witwickey
(no, that is not a “Harry Potter” character). He is waybummed to find
his brand new life at college interrupted by villains taking the shape of
assorted appliances and modes of transportation. Sam’s also feeling a
littlebluedue to the fact that his girlfriend Mikaela (foxy Fox) is miles
away.
So what’s a guy to do ? Experiment of course ! He hooks up with a
random chick packing “more than meets the eye” !!! Yep. Sam acts shocked when the truth comes out… “She” is actually an evil robot
with a long snakelike tongue (or something) that chases him around
the campus. Guess that’s what you call a “Transgender” !!! “Rocky
Horror” in disguise !!! Surprisingly, no one throws up.
Don’t Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was A Bot Like Me ?
Adding to this total insanity are Sam’s parents, crashing the scene “Old
School” style. His dad is just a big kid, and his mom accidentally ingests
some pot and starts hitting on young studs !
But before these hijinks can continue, our gang is whisked away to Egypt
(of all places) to fight a giant vacuum cleaner. Sam’s hand ends up being
bandaged… Yet they never really say why. We are just led to believe he
was injured while en route to the Great Pyramids. I don’t buy it. In truth,
he was probably bitten by Christian Bale !
Against a harsh desert landscape, the Decepticons prepare to unveil their
dastardly secret weapon. Fortunately, Sam is packing a “secret weapon”
of his own… A sockful of magic fairy dust !!! I’m not exactly sure why it
works, but it does. Maybe the Decepticons are allergic to it ?
Major butt-kicking ensues after Optimus shows up with the Autobots and
the US Military. There is one scene where it appears that Prime is dead…
Several military guys run frantically towards his now lifeless hull, all whilst
someone brandishing a gun is screaming “Cover Optimus!” (They proceed
to throw a blanket over him). Classic !!!
Plenty of blood and oil is spilled as gargantuan contraptions smack each
other down in front of the Sphinx. The Autobots eventually exhaust most
of their possibilities, but they plod forward fueled by a vision of justice !!!
When this film ended, I was just staring off into space, drooling. Perhaps
I went to “Robot Heaven”, a place Sam has the honor of visiting. Let me
honestly tell you, “ROTF” doesn’t make one lick of sense. They should’ve
called it “ROFL”. Nonetheless, it still manages to be ten tons of FUN.
To be fair, movies like “No Country For Old Men” do not make much sense
when all is said and done either… The Coen Brothers forgot to give that
little cinematic experiment an ending ! It was lauded as brilliant because
everything was left up for “interpretation”. “Transformers” also leaves a
few questions unanswered, but it somehow managed to get a gruesome
public drubbing… Go figure.
Despite the poor reception, audiences across the globe seem to be taken
by the film’s undeniable charm, myself included ! OK. The plot is nothing
worth writing home about. But who cares ? This flick boasts spellbinding
special effects, a memorable cast and an abundance of witty dialog… If
possible, try not to focus on the junk in the trunk !
Blemishes aside, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” never falls flat !!!
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