Darn Patch !  I’ve Only Seen Half Of These Movies !

Happy New Year Everyone !!!
~ Welcome to Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Raise Your Glass ! Drop Your Ball !  Prop Up Dick Clark !
Let’s Celebrate The Best of 2011 !!!

Looks like another New Year has pounced on us.  Hopefully, the outgoing
year has left you unscathed (and unoccupied) !!!  I myself felt the brunt of
many protesters’ scorn throughout 2011.  But that’s only because I belong
to the “one percent” of film critics who are consistently spot-on, witty and
humble !  Ha-ha !!!

To be honest, it was almost impossible to go wrong with movie reviews in
2011…  There were several fantastic cinematic offerings !!!  Sadly, there
were quite a few melancholy events too.  A cloud of despair hovered over
Hollywood after Dame Elizabeth Taylor passed away.  Or, perhaps, it was
just a cloud of her signature perfume, “White Diamonds”.

Speaking of clouds, did anyone happen to see that giant fog bank hanging
over Sinead O’Connor’s short-lived marriage in Vegas ?  It wasn’t another
misting of “White Diamonds”…  It was more like “Tainted Turquoise” !!!

There were royal screw-ups (and royal weddings).  Time to shine a light
on the flicks that helped us get through everything.

Here are The Best of 2011 !!!

~

***********************************************************

~

Fast Five

Number Five is alive !

~

You Only Gave Me A Dime For My Tooth !

 ~

*********************************************************

~

My Week with Marilyn

As in “Monroe”.  Not “Manson” !

~

**********************************************************

~

War Horse

My eyes were glued to the screen.

~

**********************************************************

~

Thor

I’m glad I thaw it in 3D !

~

*********************************************************

~

The Muppets

It IS easy being green.

~

How Thrilling !!!

~

***********************************************************

~

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark

It’s just a rolling blackout.

~

***********************************************************

~

Source Code

Might interrupt your train of thought.

~

***********************************************************

~

Winnie the Pooh

This hunny of a film is short but sweet !

~

************************************************************

~

X-Men: First Class

Really brings home the “Bacon” !

~

That Smurf I Ate Is Starting To Disagree With Me.

~

*************************************************************

~

Jane Eyre

Nothing beats a good Eyre day !

~

***********************************************************

~ That concludes my top ten of 2011 ~

 But wait…  There are still plenty of “Honorable Mentions”  !

~ Hugo
The Help ~
~ Fright Night
The Descendants ~
~ Captain America: The First Avenger
Moneyball ~
~ Green Lantern
Gnomeo & Juliet ~
~ Bridesmaids
Cars 2 ~
~ Midnight in Paris
Rango ~

~

************************************************************
~

I am almost done with my “Year in Review” ! Now, here’s the moment you
have not been waiting for, “The Rear in Your View”.  The worst of 2011 !!!

My vote for the lousiest flick of the year goes to “Shark Night 3D”.  It was
really hard to digest.

Dishonorable Mentions:

~ New Year’s Eve
Sucker Punch ~
~ Something Borrowed
Jack and Jill ~

~

Ha-ha !!!  Ok, bring on 2012 !!!  Happy New Year  !!!

Daniel’s Critical Corner:  Always a “10″ out of “10″ !!!

~

If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Another !

Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome.  Stay For A Bite ~
Today’s Horrific Hullabaloo: Rise of
Halloween Favorites

Behold the many glorious wonders of autumn !  Blankets of red and orange
leaves now bury cemeteries under ever-waning daylight.  Birds start to look
South beneath an ominous Harvest Moon…  And, even though it’s a bit chilly
outside, you can still place your tongue on a flagpole and not get stuck !

Best of all, Halloween is just around the dark corner…  And I’ve got some
movies listed here guaranteed to give you the heebie-jeebies !!!  Or maybe
just the heaves.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The Tingler

* No.  It’s not a shampoo.

I Walked with a Zombie

* Then I went running with a vampire !

The Gravedancers

* Weren’t they on “America’s Got Talent” ?

Diary of the Dead

* Today at school, I finally worked up the nerve to eat Billy.

The Monkey’s Paw

* Argues with the Monkey’s Ma.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark

* Unless you’re in a hot tub with Ashton Kutcher !

Sorority Row

* Alpha Epsilon Die

~

Somebody’s Got An Axe To Grind.

~

The Boogeyman

* Who says disco is dead ?

Cujo

* A nice companion piece to “Old Yeller”.

The Thing

* Thawing out aliens is never a good idea.

The Howling

* Justin Bieber in concert !

Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes

* Sorry, I forgot to shut the gate behind me.

Borderland

* Michele Bachmann says this is her favorite Madonna song.

Fright Night

* Is a spooky delight.

Paranormal Activity 3

* This season’s final contestants on “Dancing with the Stars”.

I Eat Your Skin

* And have cheesecake for dessert !

The Fly

* Grab the swatter.

~

Stop Bugging Me !

~

Christine

* Honk if you love film critics !

The Stuff

* What Jamie Lee Curtis gobbles down to stay regular.

Nosferatu

* Gesundheit !

The Hands of Orlac

* Look Madge !  I soaked in it !

Deep Blue Sea

* Not to be confused with “Dolphin Tale”.

The Funhouse

* Also known as Charlie Sheen’s residence !

The Lawnmower Man

* Has hit yet another sprinkler.

Visiting Hours

* Are Over.  See you next time !

~

Happy Halloween from Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Always a “10″ out of “10″.  And always tickling
your funny bone !!!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

]]> http://criticalcorner.net/2011/10/24/daniels-critical-corner-rise-of-halloween-favorites/feed/ 8 Daniel's Critical Corner John Carpenter's "The Thing" "Sorority Row" "The Fly" http://criticalcorner.net/2011/04/18/daniels-critical-corner-alive-and-kicking/ http://criticalcorner.net/2011/04/18/daniels-critical-corner-alive-and-kicking/#comments Mon, 18 Apr 2011 20:00:48 +0000 Daniel http://criticalcorner.net/?p=12204 ]]>

No, We Didn’t Start The Fire…  We Invented It.

 Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome to Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Today’s Status Report: Alive and Kicking*

* Probably just an involuntary reflex.

Since the recent tragic passing of Dame Elizabeth Taylor, I have been in a bit
of a funk.  She was an incredible actress, adored by the entire world…  Every
movie she starred in captivated us all.  Men desired her, and women tried to
emulate her unique style.  Heck, women desired her too (they were known as
Lizbians) !

Yes, we have lost many notable folks over the past few years.  Which might
explain why several news agencies (incorrectly) claimed that Taylor was the
very last big actress from Hollywood’s “Golden Age”.  Upon hearing this, film
historians everywhere had a total hissy fit.

There are plenty of grand gals that still walk among us.  Well…  Some of ‘em
find themselves being pushed among us in wheelchairs, or scooting forward
in Hoverounds.  Mind you, they breathe the same air as you and I…  OK, so
half of their air actually comes from a canister of some sort.  No worries !

The important thing is they are around.  Let’s no longer lament over Liz, but
let us love these legendary leading ladies !!!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Look…  I Finally Changed My Profile Pic !

^ Luise Rainer ~ Age: 101

* The very first person to win back-to-back Oscars
(Best Actress, 1936 and 1937).

* Oldest living Academy Award recipient.

* The always beautiful Luise recently did an interview
saying she loved “The King’s Speech”…  I hope her hearing
aide was on !

Starred in: “The Great Ziegfeld” (1936)
“The Good Earth” (1937)
“Dramatic School” (1938)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Who Just Called Me A Stewardess ?

^ Lauren Bacall ~ Age: 86

* She was married to screen legend Humphrey Bogart.

* Last surviving actress mentioned in Madonna’s 1990
hit song “Vogue”.

* Has a new film coming out later this year (“Carmel”).

Starred in:  “The Big Sleep” (1946)
“Key Largo” (1948)
“Misery” (1990)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Ouch…  I Bwoke A Toof !

^ Shirley Temple ~ Age: 83

* Yes, Shirley Temple is still alive !

* United States Ambassador to Czechoslovakia in 1989.

* If a drink were named after her now, it would have to be
something along the lines of “Ensure”.

Starred in: “Bright Eyes” (1934)
“Curly Top” (1935)
“Since You Went Away” (1944)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Such A Gorgeous Day !

^ Doris Day ~ Age: 88

* Top-ranking female box office star of all time.

* Notable animal rights advocate.

* She just opened a horse sanctuary in Texas.  Rumor has it
   that Daniel Radcliffe has been banned from the grounds for
undisclosed reasons.

Starred in: “Romance on the High Seas” (1948)
“The Man Who Knew Too Much” (1956)
“Pillow Talk” (1959)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

What’s Keeping My Flower On ?

^ Maureen O’Hara ~ Age: 90

* Irish American Actress.

* One of John Wayne’s best friends.

* Played in a 1942 flick called “The Black Swan”.  When
she went to watch what she thought was a 2010 remake of
her film, she almost had a heart attack !

Starred in: “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” (1939)
“Miracle on 34th Street” (1947)
“The Quiet Man” (1952)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I Do Have A Checkered Past.

^ Barbara Kent ~ Age: 104

* One of our last living silent film stars.

* She refuses to give interviews.  When asked why, she just
pouts her lips (whilst blinking rapidly).

Starred in: “Flesh and the Devil” (1926)
“No Man’s Law” (1927)
“Oliver Twist” (1933)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Yes, I Am Seeing Your Hairdresser !

^ Olivia de Havilland ~ Age: 94

* Born in Tokyo, Japan.

* Had a crush on frequent co-star Errol Flynn.

* Whenever she passes gas, people shout out “Another one,
gone with the wind” !!!

Starred in: “Gone With the Wind” (1939)
“The Snake Pit” (1948)
“Hush… Hush, Sweet Charlotte” (1964)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Yikes !  What Is That On Your Head ?

^ Joan Fontaine ~ Age: 93

* Olivia de Havilland’s sister.

* Joan hates Olivia (and Olivia hates Joan).

* When Joan filmed “Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea” in
1961,  Olivia wanted her to stay there.

Starred in: “The Women” (1939)
“Rebecca” (1940)
“Suspicion” (1941)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There you have it, eight Greats not yet at the Pearly Gates !  I could have
added several more (such as Esther Williams or Deanna Durbin) but then my
posting would’ve gone on forever…  As I hope all of these ladies do !!!

~

 True Grid

 *********************************************************
Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Getting Uncorked Today: The Best of 2010

As folks bid adieu to 2010, let us take a look back at the cinematic treasures
we were offered (while awaiting the gems 2011 surely will bring) !!!  This New
Year’s Eve found me watching a cult classic, “Night of the Living Dead” !  You
 probably saw it too…  A pale, bloodthirsty zombie was staring at the screen,
propped up by what appeared to be Ryan Seacrest.  Scary !

There were other zombies on hand to do some singing and dancing.  This was
more than likely the “unrated director’s cut” because I don’t remember any of
that in the original film.  Many undead creatures were wearing trappings from
the 1990′s (I assume the garments they were buried in).  They all started to
wail about “The Right Stuff”, whilst hunting feverishly for brains…

Ha !  Of course, I’m actually talkin’ about “Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Chair” special !
Featuring NKOTB, Backstreet Boys and plenty of old Dick  !!!  He helped say
goodbye to a year that brought us Susan Boyle’s “The Gift” (I hope you kept
the receipt).  Weren’t we also treated to an odd psychic octopus !?  No, I’m
not talking about La Toya Jackson.

At any rate, there were tons of fantastic flicks this year, with the following
being the BEST !

*********************************************************

 Shutter Island

People shutter at the mere thought of it !!!

I, Um, Cut Myself Shaving…

******************************************************

True Grit

Jeff Bridges can Duke it out with the best of ‘em.

******************************************************

The Town

Ben Affleck paints it red !

******************************************************

Despicable Me

It’s so FLUFFY !

******************************************************

How to Train Your Dragon

Ugh, I said Dragon, not “Drag Queen” !

Ready To Watch Me Breathe Fire Baby !?

*******************************************************

Inception

This movie is a dream come true.

*******************************************************

The Social Network

The ultimate face-off.

*******************************************************

Toy Story 3

A lightyear ahead of the rest !

*******************************************************

Winter’s Bone

Features some chilling performances…

*******************************************************

It’s Kind of a Funny Story

And it’s kind of clever to boot !

Whoa !  I Can See Russia From Here !!!

*****************************************************

~ That concludes my top ten of 2010 ~
But wait…  It’s “Honorable Mention” time !!!

~ Leap Year
Megamind ~
~ Step Up 3D
TRON: Legacy ~
~ Date Night
La Mission ~
~ The Fighter
Tangled ~
~ The Sorcerer’s Apprentice
Machete ~
~ Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
Faster ~
~ Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
Red ~
~ The King’s Speech
Nanny McPhee Returns ~
~ Unstoppable 
The Wolfman ~
~ Predators
The Other Guys ~

************************************************************

And finally, the moment you have not been waiting for.  My vote for worst
flick of the year…  It’s going to be “The Last Airbender”, which managed to
bend only flatulence !  Followed very closely by “Splice”.

~

 It doesn’t really matter if a movie is good or bad, you will always find the
 best reviews here at Daniel’s Critical Corner, where the writings are often
 just as shameless as my blatant self-promotion.  LOL !!!

 Happy 2011 To All !!!

Look !  They’re Bringing Out The Figgy Pudding !!!

Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Today’s Mystical Musings To Mull Over: 
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1

As Christmas fast approaches, everybody’s scrambling to fill up their cups
with good cheer (and their car trunks with presents).  In the midst of this
hustle and bustle, you may be finding yourself in need of a break.  Where
can we go to escape all the happiness that’s being forced upon us !?

For violence, gore, gloom and sexual overtones, you need not look much
further than “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows”.  Arguably, there are
several other somber cinematic options at the moment, such as “Faster”
and “Saw 3D”…  But if you really want the taste of joy sandblasted from
your mouth, chew on this “Potter” installment.

Director Rob Zombie really gives us a grisly treat as he puts the screws
to the once adorable “Hogwarts” gang !  He…  Whoops…  I meant to say
director David Yates !  What on Earth made me think of Mr. Zombie ?

If you ask me, David Yates has become the new king of carnage.  There
are many stellar examples in this thrilling review, so please read at your
 own risk.  Heck, watch the film at your own risk for that matter !!!  Now,
I am not sure if a character named “Charity Burbage” getting swallowed
by a snake (after being tortured) qualifies as carnage, but it’s close !

Our story begins at a press conference (of sorts) where the “Minister of
Magic” is basically telling everyone they are screwed !  A moment later
we see an old, withered man staring out a window…  The harsh ravages
of AGE have been gnawing away at his face !!!  Has “Dumbledore” risen
 from the grave ?  Nope…  It’s just Daniel Radcliffe as “Harry Potter”.

I’ve Been Feeling A Little Horse Lately.

Harry’s family, the dreadful “Dursleys” are getting the Hell out of Dodge (so
to speak) because of the horrible, imminent danger headed towards them.
Running away from Privet Drive with their suitcases, they don’t say a word 
regarding poor Potter, which is a shame because in the book they actually 
show a hint of affection towards the guy.

Let’s face it, with a humble running time of only 146 minutes, how can any
resolution be squeezed in !?  Yes, they squeeze Charity into a snake, but
she was a muggle-loving fool and she deserved it !

Hermione Granger (played again for the umpteenth time by Emma Watson)
also senses impending doom…  To protect her parents, she uses a spell to
erase their memories of her.  That’s all fine and dandy I suppose, until the
 rest of her family comes calling, and the neighbors start asking questions !
“But we don’t have a daughter.”  Sure.  Try telling it to the police.

Anyway, our heroes soon rendezvous with the loveable dork “Ronald Bilius
Weasley” AKA “Ron” (played by Rupert Grint, who is really starting to look
more like Rupert Murdoch these days).  Of course, humongous “Hagrid” is
on beard for this adventure as well.  I  mean board.  He’s on board.

In order to get Harry to a safe haven (because vile “Voldemort” is still out
 hunting for his head) Hagrid must sneak him out into the night.  Tragically,
there is an ambush, and Potter’s owl “Hedwig” gets her angry inch blown
clean off.  Feathers fly as the fowl is fried !!!

Speaking of hooters, there are a couple of strange scenes presented that
are somewhat inappropriate if you ask me…  “Dolores Umbridge” would not
approve, to say the least !  It’s no secret that Harry wants to snog Ron’s
sister “Ginny”, and they make this quite clear in a rather spicy manner.

 Dirty Harry

A short while later, we see Harry and Hermione (in a fabricated attempt to
make Ron mad) naked and snogging like there was no tomorrow !  Most of
their naughty bits are strategically covered by a tiny puff of smoke, which
implies that “Hallows” was just a small blur away from an “R” rating !

Save it for the stables, Radcliffe !  Now, I do understand that author J. K.
Rowling wants her characters to mature and grow.  They can’t be children
forever (that goes without saying, unless we’re talkin’ about “Peter Pan”).
If he became an adult, should we watch him and “Wendy” hook up ?

Perhaps I am being too harsh.  Hermione is actually a great “kid”, yet she
has terrible fashion sense.  Wearing red to a wedding will never help any
girl’s image.  Shocking, but true !  Miss Granger pulls a fashion faux pas of
mesmerizing proportion at the nuptials of her pal by sporting a red dress…
What’s next ?  White shoes after Labor Day !?

Appalling apparel (and inappropriateness) aside, this seventh installment of
the beloved “Potter” franchise is structurally sound.  Action abounds when
Harry tries to track down various “Horcruxes”, fighting creepy “Snatchers”
and “Death Eaters” on the way !

One or two Death Eaters from the novel seem to be absent…  Rumor has it
they have become vegetarians !  At any rate, favorites such as “Severus
Snape” and “Bellatrix Lestrange” are around.  Such ghoulish monsters bring
an almost unbearable feeling of dread, and at one point Bellatrix bumps off
the hobbit who always brags about his tacky Velcro-strapped boots !

Well, deck the hallows with boughs of holly, and then check out this merry
massacre of a motion picture.  Visually stunning (despite having more tent
scenes than “Brokeback Mountain”) and fast-paced, “Potter” again proves
to be solid entertainment.  Personally, I prefer the earlier, whimsical fare…

“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1″
puts the harm back in charm !

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating: “7″ out of “10″

Baby, I’m Not Putting You In A Corner !

 Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Popping And Locking Today: Step Up 3D

This is just a shot in the dark…  But is anyone still living that recalls
a video by Janet Jackson titled “When I Think of You” ?  Most folks
probably don’t know of it.  A pleasant little jewel released sometime
during the “Mesozoic Era” !  Just one viewing will uncover the many
ancient secrets (and inspirations) behind “Step Up 3D”.

Janet (Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty) has been somewhat aloof these
days.  Yes, she gave us some big hits and even brought some boob
to the Superbowl…  I think his name was Justin Timberlake.  Janet’s
still mighty fine, but what has she done for us lately ?

Like the brightly clad street urchin’s from her glorious MTV past, we
have yet another gang of kids utilizing garbage can lids (and similar
implements) while offending a variety of pedestrians and apartment
dwellers with modern dance.

I use the word kids loosely, as most of this group is a little long in
the tooth.  I mean that quite literally in one case…  “Moose”, fresh
out of “Step Up 2: The Streets” has indeed returned, played again
by Adam G. Sevani !  Adam looks like a cross between Elijah Wood
and a vampire, always ready to suck on someone’s neck.

Much to my surprise, Adam does everything but suck.  A talented
and engaging actor, he busts out some mad dance skills in rather
unexpected places.  I must admit, I was not expecting much from
him or this movie.  Who didn’t think “Step Up 3D” was going to be
direct to DVD quality ?

Funky and fresh, this flick blew my socks off.  Straight up !  Now,
no one was more shocked than I.  The first installment was kinda
dope, but the second offering was lame.  Sort of like that sequel
from the 80′s, “Break In Two: Electric Bungalow”.  Or whatever it
was called…

Oh No…  Am I Sweating ?

Anyway, Moose is starting college, with memories of his dancing
days far behind him.  He just wants to make his parents happy,
and they will be as long as he does anything but boogie.  That’s
reasonable…  Heck, why do you think I became a movie critic !?

As he’s doing orientation for school, he tells his girlfriend (Alyson
Stoner from the original “Step Up”) that they can finally spend a
lot of time together.  Moose has become a big dud since he quit
dancing, but he can now date until his heart’s content.

Of course, his resolutions seem to be short-lived…  Everything is
going well until he gets “dance mugged” in the bathroom !  No, I
am not talking about George Michael here…  Some random freak
starts breakin’ by the urinals during a bizarre dance-off.  

Moose escapes his assailant thanks to some fancy footwork and
a couple of sinks, but he knows it’s only a matter of time before
he is accosted again…  His talents don’t go unnoticed, however,
as some good-natured hoofers have been watching from afar !

This pack is led by dance guru “Luke” (Rick Malambri)…  He tries
to help young, frightened and seemingly unemployed people find
their souls by giving them a place to practice assorted routines.
All he asks in return is that they become his slaves and help him
win assorted competitions !!!

 Luke runs a pimped-out studio of sorts where his many followers
can live and dance (as long as they do the dishes).  Everyone is
content with this situation, but because these bums never pay
any rent, foreclosure is imminent !  Hmmm…  Makes one wonder
if this ever happened to “Billy Elliot”.

The “Village People” Vs. “Ice-T”

They call themselves “Pirates”, I’m not sure why, but maybe it’s
because they like to shake some booty.  Before anybody has to
get a job (phew) an opportunity miraculously presents itself for
some serious cash…  A dance battle known as the “World Jam”.

Not only does Luke need to win the prize money,  he must also
capture the heart of a beautiful dancer named Natalie (Sharni
Venison Vinson).  Man…  I was on the edge of my seat.  Could
Luke wind up alone walking the streets ?  Or will the studio be
saved along with his romance ?  GULP !  Well, off to the World
Jam he goes, with Moose in tow…

Now things pick up.  The dancing competitions are impressive.
I commend director Jon Chu on such innovative choreography,
who at times almost channels Busby Berkeley.  A multitude of
creative sequences cover up the cheesy plot nicely !

Several different formats of dance are on display here, shown
in different elements and environments.  Breathtaking scenes
utilize today’s 3D technology to the hilt !!! There’s a little bit
of old school, new school and even some homeschool.

At one point, we have a sultry tango…  Then, we are treated
to a “Singing in the Rain” tribute.  Some dude even shows up
and starts doing the “Robot” (and the robot loves it) !

Many films use 3D to “enhance” the experience, but this flick
works every angle, and instead of CGI the special effects are
real people.  Topping things off is a rousing soundtrack that
punctuates every move with incredible precision !!!  Even as
the closing credits roll, cool stuff is happening…

So, Hip-Hop over to the theater and enjoy “Step Up 3D” !!!

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating: “8″ out of “10″

Sorry, Wrong Number.  There’s No “Woodpecker” Here !

 Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Today I Will Be Playing With:  Toy Story 3

For young adults, saying farewell to beloved playthings has become a rite of
passage.  This often signifies the bittersweet end of a long journey, bringing
with it life-changing and inevitable conclusions…  Vivid imaginations are now
effectively corralled, making room for the various realities and responsibilities
grown-ups must face.

Perhaps I am jaded, but if your toys are indeed used up and broken, common
 sense dictates they must be thrown out.  Especially if your name is Dr. Ruth !
In “Toy Story 3″, Andy (who was just a tiny kid in the first two installments)
is at a pivotal age, gettin’ ready to leave home for college.  What mementos
of his childhood should he take with him ?

He only has so much room in his car, and almost half of that is already spoken
for due to large amounts of acne cream.  Not to mention his humongous stash
of “Twilight” books and merchandise…  (Don’t tell his mom, she worries enough
about him already).  She thinks “Team Edward” has something to do with the
World Cup.

Andy has sadly forgotten about his old pal “Woody” (voiced by Forrest Gump)
and his spaced-out companion “Buzz Lightyear” (voiced by Santa Claus).  The
cowboy and astronaut duo are actually toys that come to life when no one is
looking.  Almost like “Night at the Museum”, except without Ben Stiller !

Unlike Ben, our college-bound student does not know about the secret life his
action figures have been living…  If he did, he probably would not have stored
them in a dark chest for several years .  And they sure as heck wouldn’t have
wound up inside a trash bag (as they do) headin’ for a permanent residency
amid the attic rafters !

Wait…  Did You Just Say I Look Like “Justin Bieber” ?

Yes, the horrible attic…  A mausoleum of memories, where yesteryear’s dusty
remnants are hidden away from sunlight !  (It’s merely purgatory for Christmas
decorations and plastic pumpkins).  Andy’s friends do their best to keep a stiff
upper lip, all while dreading an impending journey upstairs.

Following some crazy mixups, the toys find themselves out on a curb as trash !
Woody is spared, but Buzz and a few other notable characters are now in quite
a pickle.  Our favorites from the prior “Toy Story” instalments (such as yodeling
cowgirl “Jessie” and “Mr. Potato Head”) are now virtually enshrouded with black
plastic, sitting next to smelly garbage.  Let me just say…  That’s harsh.

Admittedly, this stuff was really tugging at my heartstrings.  If you thought the
first few minutes of “Up” were tragic, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.  Sure, dead old
 ladies make for sad scenarios.   But before watching our loved ones get wrinkles,
there is that moment when we feel we are too “cool” to actually sit on the floor
and play with dolls or “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”.

This movie manages to convey the wide range of emotions associated with such
transitions in a subtle manner.  Shown from the toys’ vantage point, abandoning
most vestiges of youth is sure to resonate with audiences everywhere.  We can
all understand the anguish !

As luck would have it, Andy’s perplexed pals are spared the garbage truck fate.
They are instead sent over to the daycare center…  FROM HELL !!!  Things will
never go over easy if you are a good egg at “Sunnyside” !  Rogue toys rule the
roost, locking up nice playthings and then offering them as sacrifices to rowdy,
evil children.

Borrowing heavily from “Prison Break” (and maybe even “The Green Mile”), this
flick becomes intense as our heroes plan their escape…  I think someone gets
shanked.  Romance and intrigue come into the equation as new alliances form.

Careful There…  She’s Just Trying To Push Your Buttons !

Jessie and Buzz get rather cozy !!!  But what happens with “Barbie” and “Ken”
is nothing short of disturbing.  Barbie is on board for the adventure (voiced by
Jennifer Tilly) with sinister intentions.  Her ex-boyfriend Ken has been dead for
many years, yet she’s got a plan to resurrect the murderous fiend !

 After reading a few chapters in the book “Voodoo for Dummies”, Barbie starts 
her candlelit ritual.  Wearing a vile amulet known as “The Heart of Damballa”,
she chants “Give me the power, I beg of you!”

At first, there is nothing…  Then, while a storm rages on outside, Ken comes
back from beyond the grave !!!  This bloodthirsty beast is actually housing
the soul of serial killer “Charles Lee Ray”, and…  Um…  Whoops !  I think I’ve
made an error.  (“Bride of Chucky” was on TV last night) !  Sorry.  OK, back
to the subject at hand…

Ken and Barbie are fairly decent dolls trying to help Woody’s gang get away
from Sunnyside.  There are despicable toys though, in the form of a plump
bear named “Lotso” and an ominous octopus they call “Stretch” !!!  Whoopi
Goldberg is wonderful as Stretch (who happens to be the color purple) !

By the end of this mesmerizing tale, a tear ran down my left cheek.  I don’t
make it a habit of crying during movies…  But man, I carry some GUILT with
me regarding what happened to my toy collection.  When I was a teenager
I thought there was no harm in abusing my former playthings.  No one told
me they were alive !

In retrospect, I did hear some muffled screaming after I buried my “Bionic
Man” figure in the backyard…  Chalked it up to an overactive imagination.
The worst crime ever committed against my childhood comrades was with
two “Star Wars” figures.  “Princess Leia” and “Obi-Wan Kenobi” !

If you saw the film “Splice”, you might get a kick out of this…  I took off
Obi-Wan’s head and put it on Princess Leia’s body.  Poor things !  An old
dude’s noggin on a cute girl’s frame.  Facial hair and all !!!  Well, looking
at Carrie Fisher these days, there is a rather striking resemblance.

Andy’s toys fare much better in Pixar’s latest masterpiece.  Everything’s
coming around full circle in our character’s saga…  Thankfully, they stay
true to themselves while being showcased in glorious 3D !!!  It’s a blast
seeing just how far they’ve come.

 Worthy of the Buzz being generated, “Toy Story 3″ is enchanting fun !

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “9″ out of “10″

Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Today’s Cautionary Tail:  Splice

I must admit, noticing that a science fiction flick was being included in this
season’s rotation came as such a welcome sight, breaking up what (so far)
could only be called The Summer of Same.  Sadly, “The Fly” director David
Cronenberg has been defiled as Vincenzo Natali regurgitates his old ideas…

“Splice” is just an unnecessary retread of his 1986 bugaboo classic, laden
with some naughty new twists !!!  Vincenzo should have titled this ghastly
endeavor “The Fly: Unzipped”.  And after having to suffer through it, I was
super thankful it wasn’t in 3-D !!!  There are some things that should never
be in your face (with Adrien Brody’s nose topping the list).

Please do be warned:  There are plenty of spoilers ahead in this review, of
something so cheesy it can only be called a Muenster movie !!!  Make NO
mistake…  This is not very Gouda.  If you’re wanting cheap thrills, odd sex
and a terrifying beast, check out Lady Gaga’s “Alejandro” video.  Heck, it’s
merely eight minutes long and free.

Indeed, this misguided creature feature turns DNA into T & A with little or
no explanation.  We meet our young heroes, a couple of scientists in love
with each other and filled with a burning passion to help mankind…  Wildly
enthusiastic, Clive Nicoli (Adrien Brody) and Elsa Kast (Sarah Polley) view
the world as their own personal petri dish.

Of course, such an interpretation ultimately leads to their undoing…  Not
a big surprise there.  Working at a pharmaceutical company, both people
have been doing amazing research in genetics !  They even created two
outlandishly large lumps of living flesh called “Fred” and “Ginger”.  These
bulbous mounds almost steal the show.  I would have named ‘em “Dolly”
and “Parton” !

After pouring themselves a cup of ambition, Clive and Elsa talk about their
desire to have children one day, and perhaps even pets.  To save money
on food, they agree to splice something together at the lab that could be
both.  Thus, “Dren” is created !

Is It Soup Yet ?

Dren is a strange entity at best.  She looks like a Na’vi from “Avatar” with
the blue scrubbed completely off.  (Mixed with a small kangaroo and Telly
Savalas) !  She is actually almost cute as a baby, but appearances often
can be deceiving…

Up to a point, the special effects are arguably mesmerizing.  The mood is
dark and foreboding, and the plot actually seems to work well with actors
equipt for any task at hand !  Elsa and Clive are oblivious as danger signs
pop up around every corner…  Only Clive’s Emo brother Gavin (played by
Brandon McGibbon) notices something is amiss.

Living down at the lab and wearing a dress, Dren starts to develop many
human characteristics.  She is treated as a real kid by her creators, but
becomes increasingly more aggressive despite everyone’s best efforts…
The frustrated scientists eventually decide to raise her in a barn, whilst
apparently reenacting scenes from Jodie Foster’s “Nell”.

For a while, everything’s fine.  Clive goes to work, and Elsa sports a hat
straight out of the movie “Fargo”.  Dren becomes good at Scrabble, but
she is terrible at Clue and even worse in regards to Trivial Pursuit.  Her
genetics are sped way up, so puberty hits within weeks.  Inevitably she
outgrows children’s games, wanting fresh air amidst greener pastures !

Elsa won’t stand for it.  And this is when our cinema goes South.  From
atmospheric to asinine in NO time !  Clive heads to the barn, only to find
poor Dren tied up.  She had attacked his girlfriend with her scorpion-like
tail after making a break for the door, and was being punished.

This somehow turns Clive on.  He breaks out a romantic record and then
gets Jiggy with Dren !  She sprouts wings, and with her horned tail they
hang against the wall doing unmentionable things !  Needless to say, my
mouth fell open in shock as the audience burst into hearty laughter.  It
looked like Toucan Sam was wrestling with Sinead O’Connor !!!

^ Exclusive To The Splice Channel

What was in that Red Bull anyway ?  I mean, Dr. Frankenstein, eat your
heart out.  End of scary movie…  Start of comedy.  Elsa stumbles upon
this “love-fest”, and hijinks ensue !  Clive has some ‘splainin’ to do !!!

Weird !  I understand mixing things together (to a degree).  But did the
makers of Reese’s Pieces ever stick more than chocolate in the peanut
butter  ?  Probably not…  And when creating Aquafresh, did people get
aroused by the stripes ?  Doubtful !  Although anything is more exciting
when dealing with tartar control.

Control, however, is no longer in this equation (tartar or otherwise) !!!
It appears that Dren has had a taste of the good life and wants more.
Realistically speaking, if Adrien Brody floats your boat, there isn’t too
much left out there for you.  Perhaps Gerard Depardieu after a couple
of beers, but that’s a stretch !

Before getting any second dates, our curious critter inexplicably drops
over dead…  Clive, Elsa and Gavin all breathe a sigh of relief, but then
the fools go and bury her in what turns out to be Stephen King’s “Pet
Sematary”.

 It’s no big shock when Dren returns from the grave seeking vengeance,
but what she’s now packing might make your jaw drop.  (To be on the
safe side, I’d close it quickly) !!!  Her boobs have fallen off, and faster
than you can say “Chastity Bono” she has developed a willy.

Yep.  Dren is now a dude.  His twig and berries flapping in the wind as
he flies over the countryside, searching for victims.  He murders a few
key characters, and even molests poor Elsa in the process.  Not since
“The Rocky Horror Picture Show” has a monster groped so many of its
keepers.

Hmmm…  I wonder what the moral of this story really is ?  Do not play
with genetics, you may see some wild action !?!  Or, Don’t experiment
around beakers clearly labeled “Jenna Jameson’s Hormone Samples” (if
 watching “The Crying Game”) !  Regardless of the answer, this gender 
bender should have stayed in the test tube…

  Definitely more peepshow than creepshow, “Splice” is a melded mess.

  ~

 Would I Recommend This ?  No

 Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “3″ out of “10″

Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Today’s Ferocious Feature:  The Wolfman

Lurking in shadows, the beast awaits…  Its unsuspecting human prey
illuminated by an imposing full moon.  Sensing danger, our intended
victim hurries along her path, hoping to reach home (whilst shrouded
in a security blanket of fog).

Sadly, the wayward waif shall never set foot at her humble abode on
this accursed night.  She has been marked…  FOR DEATH.  A fiendish
creature must feed !!!  There is a moment or two of screaming, then
nothing but the sound of warm flesh being ripped from bone.

 Away from human eyes, gnashing teeth chomp on entrails as a furry
 and fantastical freak revels in carnivorous carnage.  With hair coated
 in gore the monster goes back from whence it came…  Sometimes on
 all fours, and sometimes on two legs (wearing the clothing of a man).

 OK, enough about “G-Force”.  Yes, it’s a fun movie…  But guinea pigs
 are so overrated !  If you want a little finesse with your fuzzies, look
  no further than Universal’s “The Wolfman”.

 I’ve got to admit, I was scared going into this one !  Hairy monsters
 have always terrified me, ever since I was a young lad.  Bigfoot, The
 Abominable Snowman, werewolves and Diana Ross ALL give me really
bad nightmares.

 
  ^ Bigfoot Diana Ross

 This new flick is a “Scream Come True” for horror lovers, as it emulates
  the classic 1941 version quite well (with a touch of modern sensibility).
  Notable Hollywood legends who first gave the Wolfman his bite are now
  sadly long gone, but here’s a fitting and refreshing tribute to them !

  Who could forget Lon Chaney Jr. running around foggy moors at night
   with a rug glued to his face ?  Claude Rains and beautiful Evelyn Ankers
were in tow for shrieks and giggles !

   Today, we get Benicio Del Taco Toro filling the paws of Lon Chaney Jr.
   with respectful and wonderful results…  No surprise there !  As it turns
   out, Del Toro is a GIANT fan of the original “Wolf Man”, and owns tons
  of authentic shaggy memorabilia !!!

   Ha Ha !  Isn’t it funny, back in those days they actually named people
   (giggle) “Lon”.  Hey, no offense if your name happens to be Lon.  But
   statistically speaking, if your name perchance is Lon, you are way too
 old to read this.  More than likely, you’re probably dead…

    Anyway, Del Toro portrays “Lawrence Talbot”, a strange dude sporting
     a “Beatles” hairdo (and hiding more than one skeleton in his closet).  He 
     is a late 19th-century Shakespearean actor who must travel homeward 
   to Daddy’s musty old estate because somebody ate his brother.

    Anthony Hopkins appropriately plays Lawrence’s ambivalent father, “Sir
     John Talbot”, who seems bothered more by the incessant howling he’s 
     heard after sunset than the fact that one of his children is dead.  First,
      those darn lambs wouldn’t shut up, now he has wolves to contend with. 
        The Village People warn him of something very sinister !

     Hey Man… It’s A Werewolf !!!

     Lawrence and John soon realize they have more than a hairy handful of 
    trouble when people start showing up looking like ground beef !  To add
     to this mayhem is busty Gwen (Emily Blunt) and a funny-looking bloke,
  Detective Abberline of Scotland Yard (Hugo Weaving).

    Abberline has his eye set on the Talbots, while Lawrence goes down to
    a gypsy camp looking for answers…  He stumbles upon a fortune-teller
    named “Maleva” (played by Charlie Chaplain’s daughter, Geraldine) then
     he encounters a dancing bear !  Um…  No, I am not talking about Diana 
Ross again.

    This bear seems to be a little perturbed, and falls out of step during his
    soft-shoe rendition of “Cabaret”.  Animals can often sense danger, and
      sure enough, a blood-thirsty werewolf is waiting to pounce.

     Under a macabre moon, the creature eats gypsies, tramps and thieves.
     And he washes ‘em all down with (a couple bottles) of Doctor Good.  In
        the commotion, poor Lawrence gets nibbled on while tryin’ to intervene.  
       Of course, this means he is going to transform eventually himself… 

          Maleva chants:  “Even a man who is pure of heart and says his prayers     
      by night, may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn 
     moon is bright”.  (Could be an advertisement for Benadryl).

    
   The 2010 Census: We Will Find You.

     One of the film’s few faults is that it drags on just a little as we wait for
      our cursed cad to lurch into lycanthropy !  A lot of “blah, blah blah” and 
       plenty of “yada yada yada” before he terrorizes the countryside.   

     Inspired music from Danny Elfman takes you there, and it really adds an
     authentic touch of mystery too.  Who’s the human behind the werewolf
      that bit Talbot ?  Are foul deeds afoot ?  Is that a foot in the ditch ?

     At one point, the troubled townspeople decide to set a trap for our evil
      entity by tying a stag to a rope, then waiting in the bushes with rifles !
      Things go south when the stag breaks free just as the beast shows up. 
     (The stag runs one way, and several men run screaming in the opposite
    direction).

       Because they look somewhat tastier, Wolfy Boy decides to chase after 
      the menfolk !!!  Hmmm…  Sounds like Adam Lambert in concert.  LOL !!!
      Forgive me, that was a real howler.  Nonetheless, victims pile up whilst
    getting plowed down.

     The atmospheric cinematography and spooky special effects make for a
      treat on the big screen !  This werewolf is extra scary, mainly because 
      he looks like a man possessed by an animal.  In flicks such as “Twilight”
       and “Underworld” these loup-garous just look like big dogs.

      Michael Jackson got it right in his “Thriller” video !  And Michael J. Fox
       tried getting it right in “Teen Wolf”.  Now, director Joe Johnston brings 
      us a fun, old-fashioned horror movie that recognizes what creeps folks
      out.  All while boasting some HOT werewolf-on-werewolf action at the
  end…

        Go sink your teeth into “The Wolfman”.  It’s full-bodied entertainment !

~

   Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

    Daniel’s Critical Rating: “7.5″ out of “10″

 Take Our Poll

Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Even Dick Clark Says:
You Aught to Be in Pictures !
  
Happy New Year, one and all !!!  It is hard to believe that just ten years
ago we partied like it was 1999.  Those were simpler times.  Sigh…  Goin’
to the movies was such a nice treat…  No cell phones, popcorn was still
under $10.00, Tom Hanks had a career and “Terminator Salvation” didn’t
exist !

 Christian Bale’s high-tech flop aside, we sure had darn good reasons for 
braving the lines at our local cineplex…  2009 has capped off a thrilling
decade of film that proved its resilience in an ever-turbulent world.

Yes, despite Janet Jackson’s boob falling out at the Superbowl, movies
were still there.  Remember when we discovered that McDonald’s made
us fat ?  Our escapism made us feel thin !  Going to see “Sex and the
City” eased the pain…  (Even though we cried silently in the darkened
theater with traces of “Big Mac” still on our whiskers).

When Michael Phelps was getting stoned, we were getting high on life !
(Well, vicariously through film at any rate).  Now, I give you the best of
the best, screw the rest.  Let’s start with the most titillating tales from
this past year !!!  Nope, I’m not talking about Balloon Boy or Madonna’s
tryst with Jesus.

  Ladies and Germs, I proudly present the greatest flicks to grace 2009.

  *****************************************************

 The Blind Side

An eye-opening experience !

Erin Brockovich, Eat Your Heart Out !

 *****************************************************

Away We Go

Bohemians can be wonderful (when they aren’t singing) !

 *****************************************************

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

 AKA “Harry Potter and the Nursing Home of Incontinence”.

  *****************************************************

Up in the Air

Hmm…  Sounds like a description of Tiger Woods’ Career !

 ******************************************************

My Bloody Valentine 3D

A personal favorite of mine.

Yet Another Great Pick !

  *******************************************************

Inglourious Basterds

A hit on Hitler.

* Is my spell-checker working ?

   ******************************************************

The Hurt Locker

This film is no dud !

  ******************************************************

Star Trek

I really spaced out for a moment…

  ******************************************************

Up

Ed Asner in 3D…  Finally !!!

* They must’ve got my letters.

Ha Ha !  Now I Know Why They Call You An Old Fart !

     ***********************************************************

Avatar

True blue entertainment !!!

    ***********************************************************

 That concludes my top ten !
~ Hold your applause.  Let’s take a gander at 2009′s honorable mentions:

Ponyo ~
~ Confessions of a Shopaholic
9 ~
~ Earth
The Proposal ~
~ Michael Jackson’s This Is It
Paranormal Activity ~
~ The Hangover
Orson Welles and Me ~
~ District 9
Transformers: Revenge of
the Fallen ~
~ Precious

   **********************************************************

Now what you’ve all been waiting for…  The Stinker of the Year:

The envelope please…  OK, the award goes to…  “Bright Star” !  It
should have been called “Tarnished Turd”.  LAME costume drama.
Avoid such crap at all costs !!!

Dishonorable Mentions:

~ Friday the 13th
Observe and Report ~

*******************************************************

Ah, now for the BIG payoff.  You’ve hung on this far, so I shall treat
  you to a fun list featuring 25 of my favorite movies from the 2000′s. 
Good times…  Savor the flavor !

Yep, Looks Like This Guy Has Nailed It Once More !!!

The Simpsons Movie

Kill Bill: Volume 1

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

Finding Nemo

300

Elizabeth: The Golden Age

Spirited Away

Iron Man

Million Dollar Baby

Gosford Park

Pan’s Labyrinth

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Strangers With Candy

The Dark Knight

Elvira’s Haunted Hills

Meet the Parents

Winged Migration

Pirates of the Caribbean

Serenity

There Will Be Blood

Spider-Man 2

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Frailty

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

The Bourne Ultimatum

******************************************************

 Phew !  Seems like I’ve turned Baby New Year on his ear with this page.
 But I am resolved in 2010 to offend your grandmother to dish out some
 more great reviews on relevant movies  !!!  Thanks for reading !!!

~ ~  ~

Daniel’s Critical Corner:  Always a “10″ out of “10″ !