Sorry, Wrong Number.  There’s No “Woodpecker” Here !

 Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Today I Will Be Playing With:  Toy Story 3

For young adults, saying farewell to beloved playthings has become a rite of
passage.  This often signifies the bittersweet end of a long journey, bringing
with it life-changing and inevitable conclusions…  Vivid imaginations are now
effectively corralled, making room for the various realities and responsibilities
grown-ups must face.

Perhaps I am jaded, but if your toys are indeed used up and broken, common
 sense dictates they must be thrown out.  Especially if your name is Dr. Ruth !
In “Toy Story 3″, Andy (who was just a tiny kid in the first two installments)
is at a pivotal age, gettin’ ready to leave home for college.  What mementos
of his childhood should he take with him ?

He only has so much room in his car, and almost half of that is already spoken
for due to large amounts of acne cream.  Not to mention his humongous stash
of “Twilight” books and merchandise…  (Don’t tell his mom, she worries enough
about him already).  She thinks “Team Edward” has something to do with the
World Cup.

Andy has sadly forgotten about his old pal “Woody” (voiced by Forrest Gump)
and his spaced-out companion “Buzz Lightyear” (voiced by Santa Claus).  The
cowboy and astronaut duo are actually toys that come to life when no one is
looking.  Almost like “Night at the Museum”, except without Ben Stiller !

Unlike Ben, our college-bound student does not know about the secret life his
action figures have been living…  If he did, he probably would not have stored
them in a dark chest for several years .  And they sure as heck wouldn’t have
wound up inside a trash bag (as they do) headin’ for a permanent residency
amid the attic rafters !

Wait…  Did You Just Say I Look Like “Justin Bieber” ?

Yes, the horrible attic…  A mausoleum of memories, where yesteryear’s dusty
remnants are hidden away from sunlight !  (It’s merely purgatory for Christmas
decorations and plastic pumpkins).  Andy’s friends do their best to keep a stiff
upper lip, all while dreading an impending journey upstairs.

Following some crazy mixups, the toys find themselves out on a curb as trash !
Woody is spared, but Buzz and a few other notable characters are now in quite
a pickle.  Our favorites from the prior “Toy Story” instalments (such as yodeling
cowgirl “Jessie” and “Mr. Potato Head”) are now virtually enshrouded with black
plastic, sitting next to smelly garbage.  Let me just say…  That’s harsh.

Admittedly, this stuff was really tugging at my heartstrings.  If you thought the
first few minutes of “Up” were tragic, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.  Sure, dead old
 ladies make for sad scenarios.   But before watching our loved ones get wrinkles,
there is that moment when we feel we are too “cool” to actually sit on the floor
and play with dolls or “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”.

This movie manages to convey the wide range of emotions associated with such
transitions in a subtle manner.  Shown from the toys’ vantage point, abandoning
most vestiges of youth is sure to resonate with audiences everywhere.  We can
all understand the anguish !

As luck would have it, Andy’s perplexed pals are spared the garbage truck fate.
They are instead sent over to the daycare center…  FROM HELL !!!  Things will
never go over easy if you are a good egg at “Sunnyside” !  Rogue toys rule the
roost, locking up nice playthings and then offering them as sacrifices to rowdy,
evil children.

Borrowing heavily from “Prison Break” (and maybe even “The Green Mile”), this
flick becomes intense as our heroes plan their escape…  I think someone gets
shanked.  Romance and intrigue come into the equation as new alliances form.

Careful There…  She’s Just Trying To Push Your Buttons !

Jessie and Buzz get rather cozy !!!  But what happens with “Barbie” and “Ken”
is nothing short of disturbing.  Barbie is on board for the adventure (voiced by
Jennifer Tilly) with sinister intentions.  Her ex-boyfriend Ken has been dead for
many years, yet she’s got a plan to resurrect the murderous fiend !

 After reading a few chapters in the book “Voodoo for Dummies”, Barbie starts 
her candlelit ritual.  Wearing a vile amulet known as “The Heart of Damballa”,
she chants “Give me the power, I beg of you!”

At first, there is nothing…  Then, while a storm rages on outside, Ken comes
back from beyond the grave !!!  This bloodthirsty beast is actually housing
the soul of serial killer “Charles Lee Ray”, and…  Um…  Whoops !  I think I’ve
made an error.  (“Bride of Chucky” was on TV last night) !  Sorry.  OK, back
to the subject at hand…

Ken and Barbie are fairly decent dolls trying to help Woody’s gang get away
from Sunnyside.  There are despicable toys though, in the form of a plump
bear named “Lotso” and an ominous octopus they call “Stretch” !!!  Whoopi
Goldberg is wonderful as Stretch (who happens to be the color purple) !

By the end of this mesmerizing tale, a tear ran down my left cheek.  I don’t
make it a habit of crying during movies…  But man, I carry some GUILT with
me regarding what happened to my toy collection.  When I was a teenager
I thought there was no harm in abusing my former playthings.  No one told
me they were alive !

In retrospect, I did hear some muffled screaming after I buried my “Bionic
Man” figure in the backyard…  Chalked it up to an overactive imagination.
The worst crime ever committed against my childhood comrades was with
two “Star Wars” figures.  “Princess Leia” and “Obi-Wan Kenobi” !

If you saw the film “Splice”, you might get a kick out of this…  I took off
Obi-Wan’s head and put it on Princess Leia’s body.  Poor things !  An old
dude’s noggin on a cute girl’s frame.  Facial hair and all !!!  Well, looking
at Carrie Fisher these days, there is a rather striking resemblance.

Andy’s toys fare much better in Pixar’s latest masterpiece.  Everything’s
coming around full circle in our character’s saga…  Thankfully, they stay
true to themselves while being showcased in glorious 3D !!!  It’s a blast
seeing just how far they’ve come.

 Worthy of the Buzz being generated, “Toy Story 3″ is enchanting fun !

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “9″ out of “10″

Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Today’s Cautionary Tail:  Splice

I must admit, noticing that a science fiction flick was being included in this
season’s rotation came as such a welcome sight, breaking up what (so far)
could only be called The Summer of Same.  Sadly, “The Fly” director David
Cronenberg has been defiled as Vincenzo Natali regurgitates his old ideas…

“Splice” is just an unnecessary retread of his 1986 bugaboo classic, laden
with some naughty new twists !!!  Vincenzo should have titled this ghastly
endeavor “The Fly: Unzipped”.  And after having to suffer through it, I was
super thankful it wasn’t in 3-D !!!  There are some things that should never
be in your face (with Adrien Brody’s nose topping the list).

Please do be warned:  There are plenty of spoilers ahead in this review, of
something so cheesy it can only be called a Muenster movie !!!  Make NO
mistake…  This is not very Gouda.  If you’re wanting cheap thrills, odd sex
and a terrifying beast, check out Lady Gaga’s “Alejandro” video.  Heck, it’s
merely eight minutes long and free.

Indeed, this misguided creature feature turns DNA into T & A with little or
no explanation.  We meet our young heroes, a couple of scientists in love
with each other and filled with a burning passion to help mankind…  Wildly
enthusiastic, Clive Nicoli (Adrien Brody) and Elsa Kast (Sarah Polley) view
the world as their own personal petri dish.

Of course, such an interpretation ultimately leads to their undoing…  Not
a big surprise there.  Working at a pharmaceutical company, both people
have been doing amazing research in genetics !  They even created two
outlandishly large lumps of living flesh called “Fred” and “Ginger”.  These
bulbous mounds almost steal the show.  I would have named ‘em “Dolly”
and “Parton” !

After pouring themselves a cup of ambition, Clive and Elsa talk about their
desire to have children one day, and perhaps even pets.  To save money
on food, they agree to splice something together at the lab that could be
both.  Thus, “Dren” is created !

Is It Soup Yet ?

Dren is a strange entity at best.  She looks like a Na’vi from “Avatar” with
the blue scrubbed completely off.  (Mixed with a small kangaroo and Telly
Savalas) !  She is actually almost cute as a baby, but appearances often
can be deceiving…

Up to a point, the special effects are arguably mesmerizing.  The mood is
dark and foreboding, and the plot actually seems to work well with actors
equipt for any task at hand !  Elsa and Clive are oblivious as danger signs
pop up around every corner…  Only Clive’s Emo brother Gavin (played by
Brandon McGibbon) notices something is amiss.

Living down at the lab and wearing a dress, Dren starts to develop many
human characteristics.  She is treated as a real kid by her creators, but
becomes increasingly more aggressive despite everyone’s best efforts…
The frustrated scientists eventually decide to raise her in a barn, whilst
apparently reenacting scenes from Jodie Foster’s “Nell”.

For a while, everything’s fine.  Clive goes to work, and Elsa sports a hat
straight out of the movie “Fargo”.  Dren becomes good at Scrabble, but
she is terrible at Clue and even worse in regards to Trivial Pursuit.  Her
genetics are sped way up, so puberty hits within weeks.  Inevitably she
outgrows children’s games, wanting fresh air amidst greener pastures !

Elsa won’t stand for it.  And this is when our cinema goes South.  From
atmospheric to asinine in NO time !  Clive heads to the barn, only to find
poor Dren tied up.  She had attacked his girlfriend with her scorpion-like
tail after making a break for the door, and was being punished.

This somehow turns Clive on.  He breaks out a romantic record and then
gets Jiggy with Dren !  She sprouts wings, and with her horned tail they
hang against the wall doing unmentionable things !  Needless to say, my
mouth fell open in shock as the audience burst into hearty laughter.  It
looked like Toucan Sam was wrestling with Sinead O’Connor !!!

^ Exclusive To The Splice Channel

What was in that Red Bull anyway ?  I mean, Dr. Frankenstein, eat your
heart out.  End of scary movie…  Start of comedy.  Elsa stumbles upon
this “love-fest”, and hijinks ensue !  Clive has some ‘splainin’ to do !!!

Weird !  I understand mixing things together (to a degree).  But did the
makers of Reese’s Pieces ever stick more than chocolate in the peanut
butter  ?  Probably not…  And when creating Aquafresh, did people get
aroused by the stripes ?  Doubtful !  Although anything is more exciting
when dealing with tartar control.

Control, however, is no longer in this equation (tartar or otherwise) !!!
It appears that Dren has had a taste of the good life and wants more.
Realistically speaking, if Adrien Brody floats your boat, there isn’t too
much left out there for you.  Perhaps Gerard Depardieu after a couple
of beers, but that’s a stretch !

Before getting any second dates, our curious critter inexplicably drops
over dead…  Clive, Elsa and Gavin all breathe a sigh of relief, but then
the fools go and bury her in what turns out to be Stephen King’s “Pet
Sematary”.

 It’s no big shock when Dren returns from the grave seeking vengeance,
but what she’s now packing might make your jaw drop.  (To be on the
safe side, I’d close it quickly) !!!  Her boobs have fallen off, and faster
than you can say “Chastity Bono” she has developed a willy.

Yep.  Dren is now a dude.  His twig and berries flapping in the wind as
he flies over the countryside, searching for victims.  He murders a few
key characters, and even molests poor Elsa in the process.  Not since
“The Rocky Horror Picture Show” has a monster groped so many of its
keepers.

Hmmm…  I wonder what the moral of this story really is ?  Do not play
with genetics, you may see some wild action !?!  Or, Don’t experiment
around beakers clearly labeled “Jenna Jameson’s Hormone Samples” (if
 watching “The Crying Game”) !  Regardless of the answer, this gender 
bender should have stayed in the test tube…

  Definitely more peepshow than creepshow, “Splice” is a melded mess.

  ~

 Would I Recommend This ?  No

 Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “3″ out of “10″

Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Today’s Ferocious Feature:  The Wolfman

Lurking in shadows, the beast awaits…  Its unsuspecting human prey
illuminated by an imposing full moon.  Sensing danger, our intended
victim hurries along her path, hoping to reach home (whilst shrouded
in a security blanket of fog).

Sadly, the wayward waif shall never set foot at her humble abode on
this accursed night.  She has been marked…  FOR DEATH.  A fiendish
creature must feed !!!  There is a moment or two of screaming, then
nothing but the sound of warm flesh being ripped from bone.

 Away from human eyes, gnashing teeth chomp on entrails as a furry
 and fantastical freak revels in carnivorous carnage.  With hair coated
 in gore the monster goes back from whence it came…  Sometimes on
 all fours, and sometimes on two legs (wearing the clothing of a man).

 OK, enough about “G-Force”.  Yes, it’s a fun movie…  But guinea pigs
 are so overrated !  If you want a little finesse with your fuzzies, look
  no further than Universal’s “The Wolfman”.

 I’ve got to admit, I was scared going into this one !  Hairy monsters
 have always terrified me, ever since I was a young lad.  Bigfoot, The
 Abominable Snowman, werewolves and Diana Ross ALL give me really
bad nightmares.

 
  ^ Bigfoot Diana Ross

 This new flick is a “Scream Come True” for horror lovers, as it emulates
  the classic 1941 version quite well (with a touch of modern sensibility).
  Notable Hollywood legends who first gave the Wolfman his bite are now
  sadly long gone, but here’s a fitting and refreshing tribute to them !

  Who could forget Lon Chaney Jr. running around foggy moors at night
   with a rug glued to his face ?  Claude Rains and beautiful Evelyn Ankers
were in tow for shrieks and giggles !

   Today, we get Benicio Del Taco Toro filling the paws of Lon Chaney Jr.
   with respectful and wonderful results…  No surprise there !  As it turns
   out, Del Toro is a GIANT fan of the original “Wolf Man”, and owns tons
  of authentic shaggy memorabilia !!!

   Ha Ha !  Isn’t it funny, back in those days they actually named people
   (giggle) “Lon”.  Hey, no offense if your name happens to be Lon.  But
   statistically speaking, if your name perchance is Lon, you are way too
 old to read this.  More than likely, you’re probably dead…

    Anyway, Del Toro portrays “Lawrence Talbot”, a strange dude sporting
     a “Beatles” hairdo (and hiding more than one skeleton in his closet).  He 
     is a late 19th-century Shakespearean actor who must travel homeward 
   to Daddy’s musty old estate because somebody ate his brother.

    Anthony Hopkins appropriately plays Lawrence’s ambivalent father, “Sir
     John Talbot”, who seems bothered more by the incessant howling he’s 
     heard after sunset than the fact that one of his children is dead.  First,
      those darn lambs wouldn’t shut up, now he has wolves to contend with. 
        The Village People warn him of something very sinister !

     Hey Man… It’s A Werewolf !!!

     Lawrence and John soon realize they have more than a hairy handful of 
    trouble when people start showing up looking like ground beef !  To add
     to this mayhem is busty Gwen (Emily Blunt) and a funny-looking bloke,
  Detective Abberline of Scotland Yard (Hugo Weaving).

    Abberline has his eye set on the Talbots, while Lawrence goes down to
    a gypsy camp looking for answers…  He stumbles upon a fortune-teller
    named “Maleva” (played by Charlie Chaplain’s daughter, Geraldine) then
     he encounters a dancing bear !  Um…  No, I am not talking about Diana 
Ross again.

    This bear seems to be a little perturbed, and falls out of step during his
    soft-shoe rendition of “Cabaret”.  Animals can often sense danger, and
      sure enough, a blood-thirsty werewolf is waiting to pounce.

     Under a macabre moon, the creature eats gypsies, tramps and thieves.
     And he washes ‘em all down with (a couple bottles) of Doctor Good.  In
        the commotion, poor Lawrence gets nibbled on while tryin’ to intervene.  
       Of course, this means he is going to transform eventually himself… 

          Maleva chants:  “Even a man who is pure of heart and says his prayers     
      by night, may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn 
     moon is bright”.  (Could be an advertisement for Benadryl).

    
   The 2010 Census: We Will Find You.

     One of the film’s few faults is that it drags on just a little as we wait for
      our cursed cad to lurch into lycanthropy !  A lot of “blah, blah blah” and 
       plenty of “yada yada yada” before he terrorizes the countryside.   

     Inspired music from Danny Elfman takes you there, and it really adds an
     authentic touch of mystery too.  Who’s the human behind the werewolf
      that bit Talbot ?  Are foul deeds afoot ?  Is that a foot in the ditch ?

     At one point, the troubled townspeople decide to set a trap for our evil
      entity by tying a stag to a rope, then waiting in the bushes with rifles !
      Things go south when the stag breaks free just as the beast shows up. 
     (The stag runs one way, and several men run screaming in the opposite
    direction).

       Because they look somewhat tastier, Wolfy Boy decides to chase after 
      the menfolk !!!  Hmmm…  Sounds like Adam Lambert in concert.  LOL !!!
      Forgive me, that was a real howler.  Nonetheless, victims pile up whilst
    getting plowed down.

     The atmospheric cinematography and spooky special effects make for a
      treat on the big screen !  This werewolf is extra scary, mainly because 
      he looks like a man possessed by an animal.  In flicks such as “Twilight”
       and “Underworld” these loup-garous just look like big dogs.

      Michael Jackson got it right in his “Thriller” video !  And Michael J. Fox
       tried getting it right in “Teen Wolf”.  Now, director Joe Johnston brings 
      us a fun, old-fashioned horror movie that recognizes what creeps folks
      out.  All while boasting some HOT werewolf-on-werewolf action at the
  end…

        Go sink your teeth into “The Wolfman”.  It’s full-bodied entertainment !

~

   Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

    Daniel’s Critical Rating: “7.5″ out of “10″

Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Even Dick Clark Says:
You Aught to Be in Pictures !
  
Happy New Year, one and all !!!  It is hard to believe that just ten years
ago we partied like it was 1999.  Those were simpler times.  Sigh…  Goin’
to the movies was such a nice treat…  No cell phones, popcorn was still
under $10.00, Tom Hanks had a career and “Terminator Salvation” didn’t
exist !

 Christian Bale’s high-tech flop aside, we sure had darn good reasons for 
braving the lines at our local cineplex…  2009 has capped off a thrilling
decade of film that proved its resilience in an ever-turbulent world.

Yes, despite Janet Jackson’s boob falling out at the Superbowl, movies
were still there.  Remember when we discovered that McDonald’s made
us fat ?  Our escapism made us feel thin !  Going to see “Sex and the
City” eased the pain…  (Even though we cried silently in the darkened
theater with traces of “Big Mac” still on our whiskers).

When Michael Phelps was getting stoned, we were getting high on life !
(Well, vicariously through film at any rate).  Now, I give you the best of
the best, screw the rest.  Let’s start with the most titillating tales from
this past year !!!  Nope, I’m not talking about Balloon Boy or Madonna’s
tryst with Jesus.

  Ladies and Germs, I proudly present the greatest flicks to grace 2009.

  *****************************************************

 The Blind Side

An eye-opening experience !

Erin Brockovich, Eat Your Heart Out !

 *****************************************************

Away We Go

Bohemians can be wonderful (when they aren’t singing) !

 *****************************************************

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

 AKA “Harry Potter and the Nursing Home of Incontinence”.

  *****************************************************

Up in the Air

Hmm…  Sounds like a description of Tiger Woods’ Career !

 ******************************************************

My Bloody Valentine 3D

A personal favorite of mine.

Yet Another Great Pick !

  *******************************************************

Inglourious Basterds

A hit on Hitler.

* Is my spell-checker working ?

   ******************************************************

The Hurt Locker

This film is no dud !

  ******************************************************

Star Trek

I really spaced out for a moment…

  ******************************************************

Up

Ed Asner in 3D…  Finally !!!

* They must’ve got my letters.

Ha Ha !  Now I Know Why They Call You An Old Fart !

     ***********************************************************

Avatar

True blue entertainment !!!

    ***********************************************************

 That concludes my top ten !
~ Hold your applause.  Let’s take a gander at 2009′s honorable mentions:

Ponyo ~
~ Confessions of a Shopaholic
9 ~
~ Earth
The Proposal ~
~ Michael Jackson’s This Is It
Paranormal Activity ~
~ The Hangover
Orson Welles and Me ~
~ District 9
Transformers: Revenge of
the Fallen ~
~ Precious

   **********************************************************

Now what you’ve all been waiting for…  The Stinker of the Year:

The envelope please…  OK, the award goes to…  “Bright Star” !  It
should have been called “Tarnished Turd”.  LAME costume drama.
Avoid such crap at all costs !!!

Dishonorable Mentions:

~ Friday the 13th
Observe and Report ~

*******************************************************

Ah, now for the BIG payoff.  You’ve hung on this far, so I shall treat
  you to a fun list featuring 25 of my favorite movies from the 2000′s. 
Good times…  Savor the flavor !

Yep, Looks Like This Guy Has Nailed It Once More !!!

The Simpsons Movie

Kill Bill: Volume 1

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

Finding Nemo

300

Elizabeth: The Golden Age

Spirited Away

Iron Man

Million Dollar Baby

Gosford Park

Pan’s Labyrinth

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Strangers With Candy

The Dark Knight

Elvira’s Haunted Hills

Meet the Parents

Winged Migration

Pirates of the Caribbean

Serenity

There Will Be Blood

Spider-Man 2

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Frailty

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

The Bourne Ultimatum

******************************************************

 Phew !  Seems like I’ve turned Baby New Year on his ear with this page.
 But I am resolved in 2010 to offend your grandmother to dish out some
 more great reviews on relevant movies  !!!  Thanks for reading !!!

~ ~  ~

Daniel’s Critical Corner:  Always a “10″ out of “10″ !

Back Off…  She Is Not An Hors D’oeuvres !

Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Getting A Waxing Today:  The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Imagine if you will, a little old lady walking slowly through the woods.  She is
hunched over, with locks of grayish hair cascading down her huge dowager’s
hump.  On her tiny, shriveled nose sits a disgusting wart.  A wart that she’s
been pickin’ at (with gnarled, bony fingers) for days on end.  Sadly, without
anybody to drive her to bingo, how else can she spend her time ?

She wanders into a field, reminiscing about her spent youth…  Forgotten so
it seems, as almost everyone she knew has passed.  An album of obituaries
now replaces her Christmas card list…  With a glazed eye fixed forward, she
plods ahead, dragging a small metallic tank over sticks and rocks.

All is silent, with the exception of the rhythmic hiss of her oxygen machine,
forcing life’s air into her withered lungs…  There is also a very light slapping
noise as her drooping melons hit her recently replaced knees !  This granny
rests for a second, and is startled when a hand gently touches her ancient
 shoulder.  It’s her young stud of a lover.  He remembered their rendezvous.

No, I am not talking about Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher…  I am talking
about Bella, the heroine of “The Twilight Saga: New Moon”.  Bella’s having
visions of her possible grim future with her funny lookin’ undead boyfriend.
Indeed, she is a mortal dating a nauseating nosferatu.

This dud’s dude’s name is Edward Cullen (played uninterestingly by Robert
Pattinson) and if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear he was a “Chia Pet”.
Bella’s a pretty teenage girl without a care in the world who really wants
to invent new ways of suffering (played depressingly by Kristen Stewart)
I mean, happiness is so 2006 ! 

She moves to a dark town and drives some old beat-up truck, but that’s
not tragic enough for this chick.  Finding a cold, pale neck-sucker is her
cup of black tea.  Her man might not have a pulse, but he does leave a
mean hickey !

Of course, she wants to become a vampire herself.  That’s a mighty big
commitment sweetheart !  With the divorce rate as high as it is, turning
yourself into “Dracula’s Darling” could be a disaster…  What if you really
aren’t that compatible ?  What if you grow apart after eighty years ?

It would be like one of those guys who gets a tattoo of his “true love’s”
name on his chest when he is nineteen !!!  At age forty he is married to
 Sue but still inked with Brenda’s moniker.  Ha Ha !!!  What a twit.  Bella 
doesn’t see it like that though… The last thing she wants is to be some
hag hangin’ with a hunk.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

^ Bella Today

^ Bella In Thirty Years

^ Bella In Sixty Years

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Edward gets tired of Bella’s nagging, and decides to bail…  He leaves town,
forcing her into the arms of a sexy young werewolf !!!  (Yes, she is basically
every parent’s worst nightmare).  Her dad has to sit on the porch holding a
rifle filled with silver bullets.  At least he can finally toss out that garlic !

Speaking of garlic, each time Edward and Bella lock lips, it looks as if one of
them has eaten an anchovy pizza with extra onions !!!  Honestly, they both
react like someone’s going to barf…  Remember when Edward first met Bella
in “Twilight” ?  He actually gagged !  (But then again, who didn’t) ?  I think
it’s because to him, she smells like a hamburger and he’s now a vegetarian.

That is probably why Edward does not care much for werewolf Jacob Black,
played by Taylor Lautner in a meaty role.  Jacob has a thing for Bella, and
almost wins her heart.  The problem is, even though he’s a beast, he’s also
 an attractive and spontaneous guy…  BIG turn-off for our peculiar princess.

With Count Spankula out of the picture, Bella becomes rather blue !  There
is a wonderfully cliché scene where she looks outside her bedroom window,
watching the seasons change without word from Edward.  Jacob’s ready to
cheer her up, and does so by getting a decent haircut and fixing her bike…
(She still frowns and probably listens to “Bauhaus” albums backwards) !

 
Bella…  Lugosi’s Dead.  But I’m Here For You !

Soon, the once boring Bella channels “Evel Knievel” and becomes a totally
wild adrenalin junkie.  She realizes that whenever she’s close to death, her
batty boyfriend materializes for a minute or two !  Talk about putting “fun”
back in dysfunctional !!!

Things get really crazy when some icky blood-slurping fiends come after
our odd bunch…  Fur starts to fly as Jacob does battle with beatniks from
 beyond the grave.  Arguably, some moments at times are pretty exciting,
 and this flick’s soundtrack punctuates the action perfectly.

During one melee, it appears as if Bella has died.  She is OK, but Edward
thinks she has passed away…  He feels guilty for leaving her, and for not
turning her into a vampire.  Overwhelmed with grief, he decides to end it
all (but not before finally taking a walk on the wild side) !  

He rips his clothes off and goes streaking in front of a parade.  Perhaps
“Macy’s” needed higher ratings this year ?  Some little brat points at him
and laughs, causing the chastised Cullen to retreat towards a castle.

  While there, poor Edward must go on trial in front of a panel of vampires 
 so diabolical, that even the “American Idol” judges would cringe at the
 thought…  Known as the “Volturi”, this VILE coven rules with an iron fist
 and polished fang.  They want to rip Edward’s head off for hanging out
with humans and running around nude in public.

 Hmmm…   I wonder what they would do to Adam Lambert ?  Anyway, it
 looks like Bella’s Fella is in hot water.  Will he survive ?  I won’t give any
 spoilers.  But if you are one of the millions that’s already read Stephenie
 Meyer’s young-adult romance series, you know what happens…  Kind of
 cool (and kind of silly) these moody weirdos have me looking forward to
2010′s “Eclipse” !

   Although made of cheese, “New Moon” is not “Twilight’s” last gleaming !

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “7″ out of “10″

Hello Everyone !
~ I Bid You Welcome ~
Today’s Sinister Spectacle:  Revenge of
Halloween Favorites

 It is that time of year again !!!  The trees have shed their leaves, so they 
 now stand bare (with skeletal branches reaching upwards to a moonlit sky).
Soon, your doorbell shall ring, and small open hands will demand an offering
of sweets !

When you turn the porch light off, you’re probably going to want to watch
a fright flick or two…  Please, do check out any one of these supernatural
 suggestions, featuring ghouls and ghosts ready to scare the sheet out of 
everybody !!!

Saw VI

* Terror with a new “spin”.

Paranormal Activity

* Also known as the David Letterman extortion video.

Misery

* Loves company.

The Satanic Rites of Dracula

* You’ve got the rite one baby, uh-huh  !

Dead Silence

* Marcel Marceau live in concert.

Onibaba

* Ba Ba Ba, Barbara Ann !

Orphan

* The sun won’t come out tomorrow.

Dawn of the Red

Pet Sematary 

* Where “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” ended up.

Monster House

* No, it’s not a reality show…

The Invisible Man

* Starring Joe Biden.

The Witches of Eastwick

* Also known as “The View”.

Frogs

* There are many ways to croak.

 Repo! The Genetic Opera

* Isn’t that where Susan Boyle got her start ?

The Fall of the House of Usher

* This recession is murder.

Trick ‘r Treat

* Smell my feet !

Hush… Hush, Sweet Charlotte

* We can all hear your cell phone conversation.

House of Wax

* The true story behind Joan River’s face.

 Muah Ha Ha Ha…

FeardotCom

* Also known as CriticalcornerdotNet.

Burnt Offerings

* Rachael Ray’s new cooking gig.

The House That Dripped Blood

* Better call a plumber !

White Noise

* Eminem’s last album.

Dr. Phibes Rises Again

* Thanks to Viagra.

Urban Legends: Bloody Mary

* I prefer a screwdriver myself.

Drag Me to Hell

* Just don’t drag me to see “Hello Dolly!”

Curtains

* With this we draw to a close…

~

Happy Halloween from Daniel’s Critical Corner.
Always a “10″ out of “10″ !!!

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s Shaggy Schlock:  Where the Wild Things Are

This Halloween season, I’m sure many fine people are going to be wondering
exactly “Where the Wild Things Are”.  Some will take solace in the fact that
they are not all in David Letterman’s dressing room…  Folks can actually find
beasties galore lurking throughout Spike Jonze’s new adaption of the classic
children’s book penned by Maurice Sendak !

At times, this dark flick feels like it was really penned by Jacqueline Susann
(Valley of the Dolls) or Sylvia Plath (The Bell Jar).  This “kid’s” story sure as
bloody HELL did not translate into a kid’s movie…  It’s a PG version of “The
Omen” laced with moments reflecting “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”. I
couldn’t tell if I was watching “The Bad Seed” or “Born Free” !

Our “hero” is some brat named Max.  I disliked this young man about three
minutes or so into the film… For starters, he has some strong anger issues
and his mother dresses him funny.  Little Mad Max is the kind of character
you really want to see get beat up on the playground !  He is not wearing
any jet-black eyeliner yet, but he’s one “Hot Topic” shopping spree away
from becoming EMO !!!

Granted, Max does have a hard life for a child…  We never see him playing
 video games (abnormal) and he doesn’t even seem to own an iPod !!!  This
forces him to build snow forts, play with sticks and use his imagination.  If
I saw my son out in the street playing with a stick, I would just hand his
lunch money to bullies myself.  Sticks are soooo 1952.

Part of the problem stems from his parents being divorced.  Or maybe they
are separated…  I’m not sure.  Whatever the circumstance, Max has ended
 up living with his mom and sister.  One fateful night, this kid sees his mama 
getting groped by some dorky dude on the sofa…

Max freaks out…  But that’s what happens when bodies start slappin’ (from
doin’ the Wild Thing).  She wanna do the Wild Thing !!!  Please, baby baby
please !

Hangin’ Out Is Always
Hype !

Max’s mom and “date” are angry that the boy has ruined their good time…
The traumatized tot tears up the house while his mother attempts to find
  some Prozac (to no avail) !  He proceeds to bite his mommy and then runs 
out into the street, dressed as a squirrel and howling like a banshee.

What happens next is magical…  Sort of.  Cujo Max runs to a waterfront
area where he gets into a boat and sales off to an enchanted world !  In
tragic reality, this twit is having a big medication withdrawal and foaming
at the mouth while laying semi-conscious on a dirty beach.

  His dark, inner demons spring to life in a fantastical fashion !!!  We meet  
odd creatures resembling the “Sid and Marty Krofft” puppets (after being
coated with glue and tossed in a giant pile of Natalie Merchant’s leg-hair
shavings).  This is of course, assuming that Merchant indeed shaves her
legs.

^ Another Avant-Garde “Burger King” Commercial

 I mention Natalie Merchant only because of the style of this film’s soundtrack.
It’s kind of folky, but not good old-fashioned granola folky.  It’s like screaming
angry-hippie bongo animal folk !  Folking ridiculous if you ask me…  If I wanted
to be entertained by slightly miffed bohemians, I would watch “Rent”.

Anyway, Max starts to hang out with these large, wild monsters.  All of them
have major problems (but cute names) !!!  Carol (voiced by James Gandolfini)
is the leader of the pack, and he likes to break things…  His girlfriend has left
him (KW, voiced by Lauren Ambrose) so he’s totally bummed out.

Assorted fuzzy (and feathered) friends help Max become king, and Max uses
everything in his power to cheer Carol up !!!  Carol eventually comes around,
but not before ripping someone’s arm off.

At times, “Where the Wild Things Are” reminded me of “Jon & Kate Plus 8″.
Horrible hair, depressing adult situations, assorted goblins running around
and loads of shrieking.  Sad in a way…  Yet not a total loss.  Despite being
far removed from the vibe the book put out, this flick is artfully done.

How Do You Work This Confounded Camera ?

 Beautiful imagery and nice special effects abound.  But the plot’s much too
heavy-handed, and the resolution of everyone’s issues is muddled.  OK, so
the director did something bold and daring.  Kudos to him !  He embellished
on a story we all know and love… (I’m glad he avoided doing Dr. Seuss and
others).

Can you imagine ?  “Horton Hears a Who!” (because of the hallucinogens).
Or, “Clifford the Big Red Dog” (gets taken behind the shed) !!!  How about
 adorable “Curious George” (and the intriguing electrical outlet) ?!!  Perhaps 
the already morose “Velveteen Rabbit” (in a “Fatal Attraction” remake).

Fact is, it’s pretty easy (and in vogue these days) to turn something fun
and lighthearted into a tragedy.  I’d give a cookie to someone who could
do the opposite !  Maybe transform Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Raven” into a
sweet, heartwarming tale of happiness and hope…

 Ha !!!  When I first heard about this project, for some reason I thought 
it was being directed by “Spike Lee” !  Now there’s a movie worth seeing
at any cost.  “Do the Right Wild Thing” ! 

 I’m sure it would have been more entertaining than this incarnation…  Not
 a good film,  not a bad film.  Just an adequate study regarding the effects
of steroids on Teletubbies.

  “Where the Wild Things Are” is full of sound and furry, signifying nothing.

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “6″ out of “10″

Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Today’s Spellbinding Tale:  Harry Potter and the
Half-Blood Prince

Everybody’s favorite boy wizard is back, working his movie magic once more in
what can only be called a breathtaking extravaganza !!!  Hmmm…  Wait just a
moment.  Can I still call this dude a “boy” wizard ?  That’s like referring to Don
Rickles as a “boy” comedian !  Or calling Joe Biden a “boy” vice president…  At
any rate, “Harry Potter” has returned (albeit a little long in the tooth).

Speaking of long in the tooth… What on Earth has happened to Maggie Smith ?
She again plays the Professor of Transfiguration “Minerva McGonagall”, who we
first met as an old, shaggy pussy of sorts.  (Remember her taking the shape of
 a feline in “The Sorcerer’s Stone”) ?  Now it appears as if she is trying to pass 
some stones after morphing herself into Bette Davis from “Hush… Hush, Sweet
Charlotte”.  This geriatric gal’s a grumpy psycho !!!

When Prof. McGonagall graces appears on the screen in “Harry Potter and the
Half-Blood Prince”, I audibly said “Oh, My GOD !”, as little kids in the audience
started shrieking…  And then, they have the audacity to give this film a “PG”
rating.  Whatever.  LOL !!!  If she would smile once in a blue moon, she would
not look so Hagrid.

Headmaster “Dumbledore” arguably doesn’t look much better.  He kicks off our
flick by flying Harry around the town like the “Ghost of Christmas Past”, telling
the fledgling wizard to hang on to his cloak.  Dumbledore’s hand appears to be
 horribly mangled, and we soon learn why…  He bopped Perez Hilton upside the 
noggin after the gossip queen outed him earlier this year !

Our elderly heroes still manage to totally rock though, and I love ‘em for it !
They again join forces with Harry and the gang, and despite their advanced
age, everyone is still filled with adventure.  Watching these child stars grow
up has been a real treat !!!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Mickey Rooney as “Harry Potter”

Shirley Temple as “Hermione Granger”

Danny Bonaduce as “Ron Weasley”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

To those of you still untouched by Harry Potter (I was going to put a Michael
Jackson joke in there, but it’s probably too soon) Harry’s a young wizard who
goes to school at an enchanted place called “Hogwarts”.

This campus is a beautiful, whimsical castle where portraits come to life and
fairies dance in the garden !!!  At least that’s what the brochure says.  Truth
be told, I would NEVER let my kids go there…  It’s basically the portal to hell.
But with staff trained in the art of the “liability waiver”, no one really cares !

Samuel L. Jackson did.  Once.  However he was quieted with a “Shuthimupo”
potion.  Sam had burst into a parent/teacher conference screaming, “There
Are Mother F**king Snakes In This Mother F**king School !”  (The teachers
 then drugged him and tossed him on a plane next to a strange package).

With danger (and dead students) around every turn, it’s a small miracle that
Harry Potter hasn’t gone stark raving MAD !!!  If this were real life, the poor
kid would have some heavy issues.  Aside from dressing like Marilyn Manson
and becoming a fan of “Twilight”, he would most likely start smokin’ grass.

 Yep.  Grass !!!  The Devil’s Lettuce !  He’d get high to escape the horrors in 
his life.  We would be treated to flicks such as “Harry Pothead and the Bong
of Bewitchment”, or perhaps “Harry Pothead and the Half-Baked Prince”.  He
would inevitably land in prison.  Then we would have a TV series called “The
Wizard of Oz” !

Anyway, foul deeds are afoot as the dreaded “Voldemort” sends out his scary
minions to supplant Dumbledore and company (with an agenda most sinister).
After killing Harry’s parents years ago, moldy Voldy now wants him dead too !
What a creep…

Villains like to recruit bullies, so Voldemort finds a sucker in vile young “Draco
Malfoy”.  Draco is one of Potter’s schoolmates, and he’s always been jealous
of him.  But jealous of what ?  Potter hangs out with hideous trolls and some
old fellow in a dress (not to mention he’s got a HUGE red scar on his head) !
Maybe he is envious of his sporty wardrobe ?

Abra…  Abrac…  Abercrombie !!!

Gandalf Dumbledore and his protege have to embark on some sort of journey
that will involve finding a piece of cheap jewelry, in hopes of using it to stop
the dark forces plotting their demise.  After hittin’ all of the pawn shops and
several garage sales, the guys are about to give up empty-handed…

Luck does eventually shine down on our pals, when a parched Dumbledore
sucks all of the water out of an ornate birdbath.  He almost pukes, but the
tawdry bauble they have been hunting for is at the bottom !!!  Next time, I
would suggest “eBay” !

In addition to finding this treasure, Potter has to stay on his guard with an
odd educator who came out of retirement recently…  He wants to “Collect”
Harry.  (So that’s what they’re calling it now) !

To make matters worse, Harry is falling for Ron’s little sister “Ginny”.  And
Hermione is starting to fall in love with Ron !  (Ginny states that it’s about
  time, and I’m inclined to agree)…  They hit puberty back in 1942, so things 
are loooong overdue.  

 Rounding out our colorful cauldron of characters, we have “Luna Lovegood” 
(a rather quirky breath of fresh air) and the mysterious “Severus Snape” !
The cracked-out Stevie Nicks wannabe “Bellatrix Lestrange” also returns for
 good measure, played yet again with fiendish glee by Helena Bonham Carter.

Truly a joy to behold, J.K. Rowling’s imagination is brought to vivid life once
 more in glorious fashion…  “Harry Potter” done with an art house sensibility.
(Sometimes awash with vibrant hues, and at other times reflecting a silent
film with grainy sepia tones) !

Credit must be given not only to director David Yates, but to his brilliantly
evolved cast.  The only fault this movie has is that it’s nothing more than
a bridge (connecting books five and seven).  Aesthetically very appealing
but lacking clear resolutions…  However, there is hope hidden deep within
the shadows, promising to one day answer all of our questions.

I did love “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”, Hogwarts and all !!!

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “8.5″ out of “10″

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s Autobotography:  Transformers: Revenge
of the Fallen

  The sizzilin’ summer of 2009 continues to plow full speed ahead with  
“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” tearing up the theaters !!!  It
 is “Indiana Jones” meets “The Fast and the Furious” !  And (in some
  places) it is rather along the lines of “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” meets 
the “Paris Hilton Sex Tape” !

Shocking but true.  Yes, here at “Critical Corner” that sort of thing
qualifies as quality entertainment !  For some odd reason, this new
“Transformers” installment features not one, but TWO dog humping
 scenes !  Oh, Michael Bay.  How you can delight and horrify at the
same time amazes me.

 I haven’t seen anything quite like this since the DVD of “Underdog:
 Unrated and Unleashed” came out !!!  Even before that, there was
  “Cujo: The Caligula Cut”.  These pooches really need to get a room.
  May I suggest “Hotel for Dogs” ?

 A sequel to 2007′s hugely successful “Transformers”, “ROTF” brings
 back all of our favorite robots !  Hmmm…  Let me see…  I dig these
 movies but I can’t remember every single name.  Heck, let’s give it
  a try !  There’s Dynamo and Megabot.  Um…  We have Supertramp 
 and Doppelganger…  Also Nickleback !!!  Isn’t there a Lion-O !?  My
 favorite is Star Search.  LOL ! 

   Once again, these characters (more or less) join forces with Megan 
   Fox and Shila Boof (or whatever his name is) in yet another grand 
   adventure.  This time around, our heroes have to battle an ancient 
  evil !!!  It just so happens that the Decepticons (bad robots) have
  been hiding out on Earth for centuries, waiting to wreak havoc on 
   the unsuspecting planet… 

 Sneaky buggers.  No wonder they are called “Decepticons”.  They
 even beat up on some innocent cave-dudes…  It almost made me
 feel bad for bashing “10,000 B. C.” !!!  Anyway…  These malicious
 machines are running amok, and there’s only one power that can
 stop them…  The Autobots !!!  To the uninitiated, the “Autobots”
  are good robots that transform into cars and other vehicles.

 

 Phew…  I’ve Got Some Bad Gas !

 * Warning:  If you are not enthralled yet, you probably should just 
    stop reading this…  Go watch “The Queen” and sip on some tea !!!    
 (I will admit, Helen Mirren earned the hell out of that Oscar).

  Leading the Autobots is one mean Mother Trucker they call “Optimus
  Prime” (voiced by Peter Cullen) !  He is just a tad worried because his
  arch-enemy “Megatron” has been pulled from his watery grave by the
  deplorable Decepticons and resurrected.  While doing so, they had to
  remove an octopus from his face !  Wait…  Maybe I’m thinking of that
“Paris Hilton” tape again.

    Prime starts to sweat diesel when he discovers Megatron is in cahoots
    with “The Fallen”, a metallic monster that wants to devour our sun !
     Talk about heartburn.  All of the “Pepto” in the universe couldn’t even 
begin to touch that.

     Meanwhile, back in the human’s world, Shila Boof plays Sam Witwickey
      (no, that is not a “Harry Potter” character).  He is way bummed to find 
      his brand new life at college interrupted by villains taking the shape of 
      assorted appliances and modes of transportation.  Sam’s also feeling a 
     little blue due to the fact that his girlfriend Mikaela (foxy Fox) is miles
 away.

      So what’s a guy to do ?  Experiment of course !  He hooks up with a 
      random chick packing “more than meets the eye” !!!  Yep.  Sam acts 
      shocked when the truth comes out…  “She” is actually an evil robot 
    with a long snakelike tongue (or something) that chases him around
     the campus.  Guess that’s what you call a “Transgender” !!!  “Rocky
    Horror” in disguise !!!  Surprisingly, no one throws up.

      
     Don’t Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was A Bot Like Me ?

   Adding to this total insanity are Sam’s parents, crashing the scene “Old
   School” style.  His dad is just a big kid, and his mom accidentally ingests
   some pot and starts hitting on young studs !

     But before these hijinks can continue, our gang is whisked away to Egypt
    (of all places) to fight a giant vacuum cleaner.  Sam’s hand ends up being
      bandaged…  Yet they never really say why.  We are just led to believe he 
      was injured while en route to the Great Pyramids.  I don’t buy it.  In truth,
   he was probably bitten by Christian Bale !

      Against a harsh desert landscape, the Decepticons prepare to unveil their
        dastardly secret weapon.  Fortunately, Sam is packing a “secret weapon”  
      of his own…  A sockful of magic fairy dust !!!  I’m not exactly sure why it 
    works, but it does.  Maybe the Decepticons are allergic to it ?

       Major butt-kicking ensues after Optimus shows up with the Autobots and  
     the US Military.  There is one scene where it appears that Prime is dead…
       Several military guys run frantically towards his now lifeless hull, all whilst 
       someone brandishing a gun is screaming “Cover Optimus!”  (They proceed 
    to throw a blanket over him).  Classic !!!

      Plenty of blood and oil is spilled as gargantuan contraptions smack each
       other down in front of the Sphinx.  The Autobots eventually exhaust most
      of their possibilities, but they plod forward fueled by a vision of justice !!!

       When this film ended, I was just staring off into space, drooling.  Perhaps
       I went to “Robot Heaven”, a place Sam has the honor of visiting.  Let me
        honestly tell you, “ROTF” doesn’t make one lick of sense.  They should’ve 
      called it “ROFL”.  Nonetheless, it still manages to be ten tons of FUN.

        To be fair, movies like “No Country For Old Men” do not make much sense 
        when all is said and done either…  The Coen Brothers forgot to give that 
        little cinematic experiment an ending !  It was lauded as brilliant because 
        everything was left up for “interpretation”.  “Transformers” also leaves a 
       few questions unanswered,  but it somehow managed to get a gruesome
      public drubbing…  Go figure.   
                             
        Despite the poor reception, audiences across the globe seem to be taken
        by the film’s undeniable charm, myself included !  OK.  The plot is nothing
        worth writing home about.  But who cares ?  This flick boasts spellbinding
       special effects, a memorable cast and an abundance of witty dialog…  If
          possible, try not to focus on the junk in the trunk !

          Blemishes aside, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” never falls flat !!!

         ~

        Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

          Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “7″ out of “10″ 

 ~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Getting Blasted Today:  Terminator Salvation

If this is “Terminator’s” Salvation, I’d hate to see what we are saving it
  from.  An action packed film, yes…  But nothing more.  We’re taking our  
fourth stroll down “Terminator” lane, with a new offering that is missing
a few key elements.  No, I’m not talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger !

What “Terminator Salvation” happens to be lacking is a sensible plot…  
And character development !!!  Not to mention anything that resembles
   continuity.  Hmmm…  I might be wrong there.  It is continuously awful.  

 I found myself wondering why everyone in the post-apocalyptic future 
 always has to have a smudge of dirt on their face…  I also let my mind 
 wander and thought about “Star Trek” a lot.  Then I’d be distracted by
a loud BOOM and forced to look back up at the screen.

From the start, this movie is just weird…  We kick things off by meeting
  Marcus Wright (played by Sam Worthington).  The year is 2003 and he’s 
a prisoner on death row, sentenced to die by lethal injection.  After his 
execution (and a couple of poorly executed lines as well) we are thrust
 into the future !  Not a fun, bright future mind you, but a future devoid  
of decent acting and washcloths.

Marcus wakes up in this strange world, surprised to be alive.  He is nude 
and caked from head to toe in mud.  He then goes streaking through the 
rain, screaming.  A word to the wise:  If you are wearing nothin’ but mud
don’t run in the rain.  Embarrassment is inevitable.

More Than Meets The…  Aye Yi Yi !

He manages to find some clothes, but soon after he’s jumped by one of the
robots from “Transformers”.  Marcus is almost killed but saved in the nick of
 time by a teenage boy and some kid dressed like “Janet Jackson”.  It’s over 
a meal of leftover coyote that Marcus learns the fate of Earth.

Many years ago, a renegade spam program became self-aware and gained
control of the planet.  This program sees humans as a threat and has built
 robots to kill them all.  The first sign of the takeover was when “Kris Allen” 
won “American Idol”…  “Paula Abdul” tried to warn the masses, but people
   just laughed.  Turns out Kris was an early version of a “Terminator” !!!  No   
one noticed the small malfunction that caused him to sing out of the side 
of his face.

Marcus is horrified, and wants to join the human resistance.  He must find
the legendary “John Connor” to do so.  Many adventures follow as he plods
 through one CGI effect after the other…  He stumbles across a woman who 
seems to have raided “Tina Turner’s” wardrobe closet from the set of “Mad
Max Beyond Thunderdome”, and she offers him some funny looking food !!! 
(Even funnier looking than dead coyote).

 They are all ambushed, and it is not long before Marcus meets John Connor
(played by Christian Bale) the hard way.  After being knocked out, he finds
himself regaining consciousness in a precarious position.  He has been tied
  up !!!  John is interrogating Marcus, and Marcus is worried.  I would be too.
 Can you imagine being tied up by the guy who played in “American Psycho”
AND “The Dark Knight” ?  GULP !!!  Christian Bale is #1 on the list of people
I would least want to be tied up by…  Here are a few others:

Your Reviews Are Cockadoodie ! 

~ ~ ~

Top Ten List Of People I Would Least Want To Be Tied Up By

(#1)  Christian Bale 

(#2)  Christopher Walken  (#3)  Boy George

(#4)  Nancy Pelosi  (#5)  Steven Seagal  (#6)  Tonya Harding

(#7)  Kathy Bates  (#8)  Flava Flav  (#9)  Betty White 

(#10)  Charo

~ ~ ~

 Anyway, Marcus discovers that he is part “machine”…  He was created by
 the creepy Borg Collective (or whatever the heck they call themselves) to
 bother the humans.  Which is fair, because the humans are pretty lame !!!

The human resistance is comprised of people that run around with looks of 
constipation consternation on their faces at any given moment.  The worst
   is this random pregnant woman who seems to have a connection to Connor. 
  She really tries to channel “Frodo” from “The Lord of the Rings” !!!  There’s 
 always some dramatic look plastered on her mug, presented in slow motion.

These people are sooo BORING.  “Common” is on board playing some dude
named …  Oh, who cares.  All he does is run around saying “You killed my
brother”.  And Christian Bale just whispers and lisps !  I let it slide when
   he was “Batman”, but now it is annoying…  If Bale has “jumped the shark”  
  with this dud of a film, at least he can find work as a phone sex operator.

His voice IS better suited to ask “What are you wearing?” as opposed to
“Do you want to join the resistanttth?”  Say it, don’t spray it buddy.  I’m
 thankful this movie wasn’t in 3-D.  Everybody would have been thoaked ! 
Er… Soaked.  Salvation ?  More like “Saliva Nation”.

The Hoarse Man Of The Apocalypse

 Warning:  Thpoilers Ahead !  Marcus and John HATE each other right out 
  of the gate.  Marcus is more man than mechanism however, so he wants to 
 defeat the Terminators…  Together they must infiltrate the bad guys’ home
 base, but nothing could prepare them (or me) for what those rotten robots
have to bring.

First off, there’s the bizarre computer-generated naked cameo of Arnold
Schwarzenegger.  Sorry Terminator fans, it’s come to this.  He pops out
(quite literally) of a room, runs around naked for about 60 seconds and
then catches on fire…  WOW.  Great homage to the classic films there ! 
Way to go…  Director “McG” should be proud.

Hold on…  it gets better.  Our heroes have to face down a monstrous
villain.  Who or what could it be ?  A giant robot ?  Perhaps a madman
with android innards ?  The evil they must face down is…  Wait for it…
Wait for it…  

The Disembodied Floating Head of “Helena Bonham Carter” !!! 
  Or something like that.  Ha Ha !  Yep.  Her naughty noggin shows up  
 to be a total nuisance to the human resistance.  I wanted to laugh ! 
 Marcus discovers “The Head of Helena Bonham Carter” floating on a 
 gigantic computer screen of sorts.  (Think “The Wizard of Oz” meets
“Max Headroom”)…   She starts talking smack, so he finishes her off
with a piece of office furniture. 

 The film really goes downhill from there.  I’m not going to tell you how
 it all ends !  (No, shutting the talking head up isn’t the finale).  There
will be a sequel, as the spam that calls itself  “Skynet” seems to still
  be plugged in while it plugs on.  Joy !  I often felt like I was watching 
 a “Uwe Boll” production.  Probably would have been better if it was.

This is more of a “Terminator” parody than anything !!!  (If you look
 real close in a fleeting scene, you can see one of the robots wearing
 what appears to be a “pirate scarf” on its head)…  Occasional giggles
  aside, the movie does serve well as yet another effects-laden thriller.
Unfortunately, sans anything resembling substance.

  Judgment:  The future looks very bleak for “Terminator Salvation”. 

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “5″ out of “10″