Daniel's Critical Corner

May 12, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Star Trek”

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 6:03 pm
Tags: , , ,

star_trek_chokes[1] by you.
Noooooo !!!!!

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
On The Captain’s Log Today:  Star Trek

I know that you are all going to think I’m just jumping on the bandwagon,
but I really want to become an actual “Trekkie”.  No, the new “Star Trek”
film has not inspired me to do so.  This is a fantasy I have had for many, 
many years.

There is a method to my madness.  Yes, I HAVE been a fan of “Star Trek”
for about as long as I can remember…  But I’ve got a goal that has yet to
be realized.  I wanna go to a Star Trek convention wearing “Vulcan ears”.
At this convention, I hope to find William Shatner (AKA Captain Kirk) !

Once I see good ol’ Bill, I shall follow him around.  Why ?  Because sooner
or later, he’s going to drop something.  It’s inevitable.  We all do.  Maybe
it will be his pen…  Or perhaps a cup…  Maybe even a quarter. 

When he bends over to pick up whatever it is he has dropped, I’m going
to pop out and loudly say:  “Space… The Final Frontier” !!!  Ha Ha Ha !

 Sigh…  I can dream, can’t I ?  If that isn’t enough reason to become a
Trekkie, I don’t know what is.  Something tells me the latest Star Trek
offering will bring some new fans to the fold, and it should give all the
die-hards reason to feel born-again !!!

What we have here is a “reboot” of sorts…  A reboot that (finally) keeps
the heart and soul of the original source material !  Kudos to J.J. Abrams
for realizing what made “Star Trek” so special in the first place. He helms
this movie with grace and treads lightly on sacred ground.  Much to my
delight, the result is nothing short of a science fiction masterpiece.

Don’t get me wrong.  I still cherish all of the old “Trek” movies !  I loved
it when everyone went to “SeaWorld”.  And who can forget Kirk fighting
that evil soul singer in “The Wrath of Chaka Khan” ?  Of course, there is
“The Search For Spock”.  I never understood that one.  Why didn’t they
just Google him ?

 

3046977289_2f4eed0b05[1].jpg_v=0 by you.
I’ll Stop The World And Meld With You !

 

  In this refreshingly new installment, the tables have turned and it is now 
Spock who is on the hunt !!! Leonard Nimoy returns as the (aging) Vulcan
ambassador “In Search Of” his youth.

While buzzing about the galaxy (in the coolest spaceship ever) Spock
is schlucked away to the PAST by a black hole…  The aforementioned
schluckage creates an “alternate reality”.  A strange new world where
people are actually sexy !

Warning:  When you add sexy to the continuity of ANYTHING, there
are going to be cataclysmic, history-changing results.  So our logical
friend has his hands full trying to rectify the situation…  Also causing
trouble are some nasty Romulans (coming from the future as well).

 Spock enlists the aid of his good friend James T. Kirk, who’s now much
younger…  Young Kirk (played by Chris Pine) has some issues to work
out though, and is indeed a challenge.  He channels James Dean as a
true rebel without a cause.

In this universe, Kirk never knew his father and is running amok on
Earth until the prestigious “Federation Starfleet” sees his potential.
Hesitant at first, this crazed kid soon joins the Starfleet Academy,
only to end up on the just-built “Starship Enterprise”.

 

Kirk and McCoy by you.
I Knew I Should’ve Taken That Left Turn At
Albuquerque !

 

Here we meet (all over again) the crew we know and love.  Scotty,
Sulu, Chekov, Uhura, Dr. McCoy and young Mr. Spock !!!  Mr. Spock
has some anger management issues, to say the least.  He is always
whaling on someone !!!  (Sounds like I am talking about “Star Trek
IV” again, doesn’t it) ?

He beats up on other Vulcans, and at one point he even pounds the
captain !  Um… Moving on…  Anyway, at first young Spock (Zachary
 Quinto) and young Kirk despise each other.  But these fellows soon 
realize that they are way better off as pals in order to stop Romulan
bad-guy “Nero”.

Nero (an unrecognizable Eric Bana) is out for revenge against the
 old Spock, probably because he had watched “The Final Frontier” !
C’mon…  It wasn’t that bad.  Nonetheless, he is going to make our
hero suffer, and destroy anything that gets in his way.

The Enterprise soon rises to the challenge… And starts to kick some
time-traveling butt.  The special effects are extraordinary, and I got
goosebumps every time they went into “warp speed”.  A feeling that
reminded me of watching the show as a kid !!!  My first recollection
of “Star Trek” was viewing it (as a rerun) in the 1970′s…  It was on
after the news Sunday nights !

 This movie is cool.  Like a tall glass of Altair Water.  We have Mr.
Sulu whipping out a sword.  Kirk listens to “Beastie Boys”.  Majel
Roddenberry (Nurse Chapel in the 60′s series) provides the voice
 of the ship’s computer. And, to top it all off, Winona Ryder plays
 Spock’s Mom.  WOW !

“Star Trek’s” 2009 ensemble cast does a fine job interpreting our
beloved Enterprise crew… All while adding a few fresh twists of
their own !  I am going to open my “hailing” frequencies and tell
the planet about this movie’s stellar appeal !!!

At last, a film that will cure what “Romulan Ales” you !  A bright 
blockbuster sure to leave you stunned !!!  After watching this, I
felt nothing could phase me !  I’m still beaming…

“Star Trek” is Spocktacular fun !  Boldly go see it today !!!  

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “10″ out of “10″

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Christine+Chapel[1] by you.
Hair No Man Has Gone Before…

 

This review is dedicated to Majel Barrett-Roddenberry.  Wife of
“Star Trek” creator Gene Roddenberry.  She played my favorite
character in the original series, “Nurse Christine Chapel” !  She
was promoted to Doctor when the first flick came out…  Majel
 (as mentioned above) is the voice of the computer in this new
film and many other “Trek” offerings. 

Majel Barrett-Roddenberry 

Stardate: 1932-2008

We miss you !

~

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  

April 19, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Repo! The Genetic Opera”

Filed under: DVD,Reviews — Daniel @ 4:01 pm
Tags: , , ,

Repo03[1] by you.
The Eyes Have It !

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Under The Knife Today:  Repo! The Genetic Opera

For those of you not familiar with the cult classic “The Rocky Horror
Picture Show”, there are a couple of things you should know.  Never
tell anyone you are a virgin if you find yourself watching a Midnight
 showing, and be sure to bring some paper towels and toast (to toss 
at the movie screen).

In regards to the new cult classic in-the-making, “Repo! The Genetic
Opera”, you may want to bring paper towels but the only thing that 
will be tossed is your cookies.

I didn’t know what to expect while watching this little underground
gem.  A goth rock-opera of all things.  Go figure.  It seemed to me 
the only people that would ever dig this sort of vulgar venue would
 be angry young chicks with jet-black hair and lipstick to match !!!

Despite being an affront to my delicate sensibilities, I actually got
a kick out of this gross flick.  (Only after channeling my own inner
goth chick).  Her name is Ragea.  She wears spiked collars and will
NEVER like you because you smell like flowers.

I digress.  Big time.  So, our story takes place in the future, (2056
to be exact) !  The world has fallen victim to an outbreak of organ
failures, and people are dropping like flies.  Desperate times do call
for desperate measures, and entrepreneur Rotti Largo comes in to
save the day…  For a price.

Rotti (Paul Sorvino) is the CEO of a genetic “second hand” shop,
where you can actually buy second hands…  You can also throw
in a lung or two for good measure !   Heck, grab yourself a new 
designer liver while you’re at it. 

This hellish company calls itself  “GeneCo”, but they are really a 
mafia organization with anything but good intentions.  It seems
like a good idea at first, but if someone misses just one payment
 on their new body part, the Repo Man comes to collect.  No, he
is not after the money…

The Repo Man (played here by “Little Britain’s” Anthony Head) is
going to rip your still-beating heart right out of your body, and
then he is going to use your corpse as a puppet.  While singing
a couple of songs…  And dancing a little bit as well !

Yes, this is a musical with GUTS.  I always felt that “The Texas
Chainsaw Massacre” would have been just delightful if they had
added some Broadway flair…  And, truth be told, wouldn’t “The
Sound of Music” have been more entertaining if Julie Andrews
 got her leg caught in a bear trap after spinning around on that 
 hillside ?  The hills are alive…  With the sound of screaming !

 

Sound+of+Music[2] by you.
The Hills Are…  SNAP  …AYEEEE ! 

 

 Hmmm…  What about Doris Day actually shooting someone in
“Calamity Jane” ?  Or Tevye falling off the roof with his fiddle
and landing on a bed of nails ?  The possibilities are endless.

Exploring possibilities is exactly what “Repo!” does…  We are
introduced to the Repo Man’s daughter, Shilo (Alexa Vega), a
young lady with a mysterious blood disease, that may or may
not have been contracted accidentally.  It is possible she got
sick from her mother, who we later learn died from unnatural
causes !

Shilo is locked in her room most of her life, kept there by her
father (who she thinks is a respected doctor).  She does not
know that he hunts people down and kills them…  She is also
unaware of his amazing singing chops.  Shilo has quite a set
of pipes herself as she belts out angst-filled tunes such as
  “Infected” and “Seventeen” (the latter featuring Joan Jett) !

In addition to Joan Jett, the legendary Sarah Brightman is on
board to give this flick some mad creds.  She plays an opera
singer named “Blind Mag”…  A woman with a debt to GeneCo
signed in blood for her totally trippy digital eyes !  Shilo has
always worshipped Mag from afar, and fate ends up bringing
them together as they join forces against the evil Rotti.

Rotti wants to destroy all of our anti-heroes, but he actually
cares for Shilo in a distorted kind of way…  His children are a
pack of self-absorbed losers.  Upon hearing that he does not
have long to live, he puts Shilo to the test as a possible heir
to his legacy.

Truly a horrific bunch, Rotti Largo’s progeny want nothing but 
gold, fame and drugs. This is evident in the strangely catchy
“Mark It Up” number, where the two brothers vie for dominant
positions in the company while their sister looks on.

The fellows are Luigi and Pavi, (both sociopaths) and the girl is
Amber Sweet…  Amber is portrayed rather sympathetically by a
  vamped-out Paris Hilton !  Selfish at first, she is the only one in 
  this group that shows empathy or remorse for her mean actions
when the curtain falls.

 

341128681_m4Djg-M.0.0.0x0.432x347[1] by you.
I See Paris.  I See France.  I See Leather
Underpants !!!

 

  Trouble with Amber is, she is addicted to many terrible things…
  She loves getting multiple surgeries, just for the thrill of it.  And
she is hooked on a blue liquid drug called Zydrate.

~
~
~ ~  ~  ~ ~
~
~
~
~

To better explain, here’s part of the song “Zydrate Anatomy”
(as sung by Graverobber and The Zydrate Support Group).

Zydrate comes in a little glass vile…  And the little glass vile
goes into the gun like a battery.  And the Zydrate gun goes
somewhere against your anatomy.  And when the gun goes
off, it sparks, and you’re ready for surgery.  Surgery…

It’s clean.

It’s clear.

It’s pure.

It’s rare.

It takes you there.

~  ~  ~  ~ ~

 

 All of this becomes BIG trouble for Amber, when she looses
face in front of everyone.  Literally.  Her face falls off and
 hits the ground.  (Not really much of a stretch for Hilton) !

Indeed, everything is leading us up to a Grand Guignol style 
finale.  One that makes even “Sweeney Todd” look like a fun
 and comical romp !!!  All of the players wind up on stage for
GeneCo’s annual “Genetic Opera”, where Blind Mag is slated
to perform her last song ever, “Chromaggia”.

Her retirement gets started a tad bit early, however, when
 a harness she uses to fly across the stage breaks over the 
set.  She plummets down and gets impaled on a gate… 
 

Sarah Brightman’s latest CD:  $18.00

Sarah Brightman live in concert:  $200.00

Sarah Brightman impaled on a gate:  Priceless

 ~  ~  ~

Shilo and her father have a showdown with Rotti and his kids
soon after Mag’s demise.  In true operatic fashion, people die
tragic (and grizzly) deaths as old secrets are revealed.

This film won’t be everyone’s cup of tea.  After watching it, I
was disgusted.  But the songs were stuck in my head, and in
no time I bought the soundtrack.  It’s sick…  Yet slick !  You
have been duly warned.     

Fierce fun, “Repo! The Genetic Opera” scores with gore !!!

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “7.5″ out of “10″

 

 

March 27, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Duplicity”

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 7:50 pm
Tags: , ,

duplicitypic5[1] by you.
Ha Ha !  Now This Is What I Call A Review !

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Double Your Fun Today With: Duplicity

Stylish.  Smart.  Sexy.  Stimulating.  I know, it sounds like I’m talking
about “Daniel’s Critical Corner” again !  I very well could be with such
nifty words…  But I’m actually referring to the new internal espionage
flick “Duplicity”.

It’s about time they came up with another good old-fashioned caper
film.  (No, I’m not talking about “Batman” folks).  This movie features
Julia Roberts and Clive Owen as double crossing double agents.  Yes,
having Julia back up on the big screen is awesome.  Well, it’s actually
more like propped up…

For the first time in history, her chest comes out farther than her lips.
Maybe she has had some work done in that area ?  At any rate, in this
venue Julia’s boobs arrive in London twenty minutes before the rest of
 her…  There are moments when her acting might fall flat, but nothing 
else does ! 

Not to put Julia down or anything.  I’ve been a fan of hers for YEARS,
and boy, does she look fabulous for fifty.  (Unfortunately, she is only 
forty-one) !  In her very first scene, she’s standing outside on a sunny
day…  I noticed the “Erin Brokovich” star was wearing what appeared
to be a wool scarf.  I thought this was rather odd, because it looked 
like summertime !  A couple of moments later, I realized she was not 
sporting a scarf at all.  She has a hairy neck !!!

Director Tony Gilroy (Michael Clayton) probably should have caught
that.  If he were shooting a documentary on “Sasquatch”, he could
 skate by.  Or a film titled “Gorillas in the Mystic Pizza”.

 

large_duplicity-julia-roberts-cli[1] by you.
Duplicity ?   …Or Dual Plastic Surgery ? 

 

Actually, for a couple of minutes, I thought perhaps I was at the
wrong movie.  When Julia looks at the camera, sporting some red
lipstick, I wouldn’t have been surprised if she had said something
to the effect of “Wanna know how I got these scars?”  

OK, enough of that.  I’m going to get off of Julia Roberts…  (And
really, can you blame me) ?  Let me focus on Clive Owen for just
a moment.  This guy is as suave as they come…  He could easily
become the next James Bond !  Clive was fantastic in “Sin City”
and memorable in “Gosford Park”, and he just Owens this flick ! 

Julia and Clive play a couple of moles in “Duplicity”…  No, I’m not
talking about that thing growing on Eva Mendes’ face.  By mole I
mean covert operatives !!!  They are working for two companies
that HATE each other.  Julia is working for one business as intel,
but selling the secrets she obtains to its rival business via Clive.

At first, it seems these two double agents are far from pals.  All 
of this stems from a colorful history that dates back about five 
years…  We learn that when Julia was working for the CIA, she  
seduced Clive (and consequently drugged him) in order to snatch
some of his top secret files.  The poor guy was actually working
for MI6 when he was duped, and the fiasco nearly destroyed his 
career.

But everyone is willing to forgive and forget, and they traipse all
over the world pouncing on each other in exotic hotel rooms !  It
must be said, their chemistry is believable. These two people just
click…  And the witty dialogue laced with sexual innuendo is kind
of fun !

On the flip side of the coin, who really wants to watch two people
in their forties shag to no end ?  (They lock themselves in a luxury
suite for three days, going at it like mad).  Yea.  Like THAT would
really happen.  In real life, if a couple approaching middle age was
locked in a hotel room for three days, it’s because they are dead.

I kept wondering why on Earth they didn’t use body doubles for 
the above mentioned steamy scenes…  In movies such as “Pretty
Woman”, Julia had a sensual stand-in.  But in “Duplicity”, she just
lays around with everything hanging out of her pelican briefs…

 

Duplicity by you.
You could pull off James Bond.  I Did Last Week !

 

 *Warning:  Teenagers might not be able to sit through this flick,
  as one scene conjures up images of Phyllis Diller wrestling with   
an alligator in a wading pool filled with jello.

  Despite our saggin’ protagonists, this movie rocks.  It is an intelligent
 heist extravaganza !!!  Filled with double crosses, triple crosses, and
 even a super quadruple cross !  What comes after a quadruple cross
I wonder ?  Octuplets ?  

People start to get conned left and right…  And then Paul Giamatti
gets down into the mix for good measure.  Paul is deliciously sleazy
as the head of a corrupt business, and his nemesis (portrayed by 
Tom Wilkinson) is not much better.  They will stop at NOTHING to 
destroy each other !!!  It appears that Julia and Clive are no more 
than mere pawns in a diabolical scheme…  A couple of clever plot  
twists later, however, reveal that maybe Paul and Tom are indeed 
the fools in this game of “cat and mouse”.

What sets this flick apart from others in the genre is its refreshing
lack of violence.  No one ever brandishes a gun.  Or a knife.  I think
someone brandishes an umbrella.  (Thank goodness it wasn’t Britney
Spears) !  

There is a fistfight of sorts (between Tom and Paul).  And that is
very entertaining.  For the most part, people just use their minds
to gain any advantage.  Of course, there is a lot of talking, and 
I did find myself bored for just a few minutes.  Better than being
bored for three days straight I suppose !  
  
Steal away to see “Duplicity”, it’s a bargain at twice the price !

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “7.5″ out of “10″

 

 

March 7, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Watchmen”

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 9:00 am
Tags: , ,

drmanhattan1[1] by you.
Blue Man Group Promoting Hydroxycut

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
In Need Of Some Comic Relief Today:  Watchmen

Hey !  What’s that up above ?  In the sky ?  I think…  It’s a bird !
No… It’s a plane !  Wait, it’s…  it’s…  A naked blue guy !!!  Could 
someone call Superman and tell him he left the house without his
tights ?  Better get back to the phone booth, pronto ! 

Oh !!!  That’s not Superman.  This dude is balled bald and VERY
well endowed.  Don’t get jealous boys, I’m sure that it’s all CGI. 
Either that or it’s Milton Berle’s grandson…  At any rate, the guy
in the sky is none other than “Dr. Manhattan”.  And he’s here to
save us…  I think.

Dr. Manhattan is one of the unconventional superheroes in the
highly anticipated new flick “Watchmen”.  A movie that features
tons of DICK !!!  That’s right… President Richard Nixon himself is
one of the star players.  Our story takes place many years ago,
in an upside down (and inside out) vision of the mid 1980′s.

This is a world that looks like something out of “Blade Runner”,
and in it superheroes are just a natural part of everyday life…
There is the very buff and very blue Dr. Manhattan of course,
as well as hottie “Silk Spectre II” !  And the rather studly bird
guy, “Nite Owl II” (played here by Patrick Wilson).  It just so  
happens that “Nite Owl I”  was a victim of evil poachers, and 
his head is over a mantel at some woman’s cabin in Alaska.

Also, we are introduced to the very strange “Rorschach”, who
seems to be the most introspective of the bunch.  He wears a
mask of material on his face with ink blots all over it…  I kept
wanting to pluck it off of his head and throw it into a washing
machine.  Rounding out our rather odd crew is the gruff, cigar
smoking “Comedian” and the highly intelligent pretty boy they 
call “Ozzy Madness” (or something like that).

 

wm4_435x326-1-1[1] by you.

‘Nite Owl

 

 

  richard-thomas-then by you.

‘Nite John-Boy

  

When the twelve-issue comic series for “Watchmen” was first
created, the general idea was to “deconstruct” the superhero
  persona…  In other words, the writers wanted to make these  
masked avengers more human, and therefore more vulnerable. 
Well, they went too far if you ask me.  These superheroes are 
 just a bunch of weirdos in disguise.  Still, they are played with 
such sincerity that it is fun to watch them in action.

No doubt, the biggest extreme in this group is The Comedian. 
He really shouldn’t have been part of any superhero elite.  This
guy is a nut, who just shoots anyone he pleases !  (They even
show him shooting JFK).  If Peter Parker’s “Uncle Ben” came up 
to him saying “With great power comes great responsibility”, he
would just blow the old fart’s head clean off.  So, the logic of   
this wacko being allowed to stay in a justice-seeking vigilante
team really never makes one lick of sense.

But then again, a man dressed up as an owl having intelligent
conversations with some naked blue dude makes no sense at 
all either !  I’d probably start giggling…  It wouldn’t matter if I
was Nite Owl II or Dr. Manhattan, in that scenario I would be 
thinking to myself  “You’re kidding me, right?”  Ha Ha !  At one
point, Dr. Manhattan actually does nude yoga while floating 
in midair…  What a crack up ! 

Anyway, for obvious reasons, President Nixon outlaws so-called 
“superheros”.  Then, one of them is found murdered.  Rorschach
 decides to lead his team on a final mission, to find out who has   
killed their buddy and get revenge.  But, while all of this stuff is  
transpiring, the world is on the brink of a full scale nuclear war. 
The Soviet Union is ready to wipe America off of the map  !

So, numerous hijinks ensue.  Rorschach is caught doing superhero
stuff, and then temporarily incarcerated with a real angry midget. 
Midgets always earn a film an extra point here at “Critical Corner”,
whether they are angry or not.

Silk Spectre II finds herself in a pickle as well, because she can no
longer relate to her well hung meaning boyfriend, Dr. Manhattan… 
She starts to realize that the Batmanish Nite Owl II is more up her
alley.  Gratuitous sex scenes soon follow.

 

large_SilkSpectre[1] by you.
Uma Thurman, Eat Your Heart Out !

 

 It isn’t very long before someone tries to kill brainy Ozzy Madness, so
everyone regains their focus and gets back to the daunting task now
at hand:  Find out who wants them all dead and save the world from
total annihilation !!!  A series of flashbacks occur as we put together
pieces of the puzzle.  When our heroes get closer to the answer, the
blood and guts really start to fly !

Things look bleak as the “Doomsday Clock” gets closer to midnight,
and Dr. Manhattan decides to take a vacation on Mars.  Strangely
enough, he is the only character that has any real “superpowers”. 
An accident at some sort of nuclear facility mutated him, similar to 
what happens in “The Incredible Hulk” !  (Except the Hulk managed
to keep his pants on)…

Everybody else is just an average Joe with exceptional fighting
abilities and technical savvy.  Nonetheless, these characters are
really kind of cool in their own way.  Our heroes have dark sides
and deep secrets, but they are still somewhat likable…  I’ve got
to admit, the costumes and special effects are very well done.  

“Watchmen” is not your typical superhero film.  Then again, it
never professes to be.  I am a bit of a traditionalist in respect
to comics, always preferring the stories of “Iron Man” or even
“Green Lantern” over such hardcore issues and violence.  But 
director Zack Snyder (of “300″ fame) keeps this fiercely true 
to its source material, and rather unique at the same time.   

We are looking at a “thinking man’s” superhero flick here, which
is rather philosophical at times, but never preachy.  This movie
shows both sides of every story, and then leaves the audience 
to ponder the outcome’s moral implications.

Still, it is a far cry from a masterpiece.  The characters are not
quite developed enough, and the narrative is all over the place.
The gore is effective in some spots, yet unnecessary in others.
And, at almost three hours long, this film noticeably drags…  At
     least it should tide everyone over until “Star Trek” comes out !    

      “Watchmen” remains watchable, despite a few shortcomings.     

 ~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “7.5″ out of “10″

 

 

February 13, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Friday the 13th”

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 7:00 pm
Tags: , ,
3144615131_2edec66577[1].jpg_v=0 by you.

Confessions Of A Chopaholic

 ~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Did You Know A Young Boy Drowned Here ?

His name was Jason, and today is his birthday.  So, put on your
party hats, blow up a balloon and let’s have a blast !  Just don’t
tell his mom…  (She is a good-time killer if ever there was one).

LOL !  Today, of course, I will be talking about Friday the 13th.
A movie I was really looking forward to seeing.  Now, you might
be wondering why that is.  For starters, I have been a huge fan
of the “Friday the 13th” series since 1982…  (That was the year
“Friday the 13th Part 3″ came out in glorious 3-D) !  It was an 
experience I shall never forget.  An experience that turned into
 a regular family affair !

My mother has always loved 3-D movies.  She likes to reminisce
about some of her favorites from the 1950′s, like “Creature from 
the Black Lagoon”, or “House of Wax” (with Vincent Price)…  It  
was a summer day back in ’82 when we first saw the trailer for 
“Friday the 13th Part 3: 3D”, and we both thought it looked like
a hoot and a half !  We had not seen the first two installments,
but that didn’t stop us from making plans to see number three !

This was a big event for me.  At age 12, I was about to see my
very first “R” rated picture !  (We were still a few months away
from getting cable television).  Of course, later on in the year, I
was bombarded with questionable entertainment after we put in
“Cinemax”.
  
As an added bonus, my grandparents decided they wanted to  
go with us.  Grandpa had always loved a real good fright flick !
Keep in mind, his idea of a good fright flick was “Frankenstein
Meets the Wolf Man”. 

When we arrived at the theater (Cinema East Twin), they were 
 showing two films.  “Bambi” (the re-release… I’m not that old).  
And of course, “Friday the 13th part 3″.  My mother, sensing a 
right of passage was about to happen, reluctantly asked me if  
I would like to see “Bambi” instead of “Friday”.  Firmly, I shook
my head “No”.

The four of us were given our 3-D glasses.  They were so cool,
in a very cheesy kind of way.  They were actually cheap paper
things, featuring some rendition of a bloody fireplace poker on 
the sides.  RAD !  (Does anybody else remember those) ?

 

jasonVorheesFridaythe13thRemake[2] by you.
Voorhees A Jolly Good Fellow !

 

My 80 year old grandparents put on the glasses, as did my mom.
Soon, we were bombarded with buckets of gore galore !  We had
been introduced to mass murderer “Jason Voorhees”, the scourge
of Camp Crystal Lake.  I can remember screaming a total of three
times.  Mom was shrieking like a banshee the entire film…  And my
shocked grandfather kept saying “Oh My God!” and “Goddamn!” 

At one point during the flick, a young woman has an arrow shot  
right into her head (through her eye socket, no less) !  My poor  
grandmother leaned in and asked “Is that girl dead?”  I told her 
“Yep!”, and Grandma just responded with “Oh dear!”

After the carnage ended, the credits started rolling.  My grandpa
actually yelled out “MORE BLOOD” !  I laughed.  My Mom did not…
Grandpa had to help her out of her seat !  She was as white as a
ghost !!!  I shall never forget, as long as I live, her saying “Dad, I
really need a drink”.  As it turned out, NONE of us had EVER seen
an “R” rated horror film before…  I loved it.  And my grandmother
said (no kidding) “It was a good picture”.  Ha Ha !  Go Grandma !

I thought Mom hated it…  But it turns out ALL of us became fans
of the franchise.  A couple of weeks after our experience we had
 rented the first two movies !  My family even went to see “Friday
the 13th: The Final Chapter” on its opening weekend.  Everyone 
also caught the premiers of “The New Beginning”, “Jason Lives”,
“The New Blood” and “Jason Takes Manhattan” !!!

By the time “Jason X” came out in 2002, my grandparents had
both bought the farm.  It was sad seeing it without them.  But
I’ve got to say, I’m glad they weren’t around to suffer through
the latest incarnation of “Friday the 13th”.  The brand-new film
produced by Michael Bay is a major letdown.

This supposed “remake” shows us the events of the first movie
during the opening credits…  Mrs. Voorhees (Jason’s mother) is 
given all of three lines, (one of them stating the obvious).  She
mentions that she has killed everyone, and that they all had to
die because her stupid little brat drowned.  Then, she gets her
head chopped off.

We flash-forward to “present-day”.  And that’s when the film
really goes to pot.  And by pot, I mean POT.  A group of kids
are out in the woods, getting ready to set up camp.  They’re
not there to just absorb the scenery, but rather to smoke it. 

The gang is hunting for an alleged marijuana farm… And the 
“plan” is to grab up as much leaf as they can carry and take
it all back home to sell.  (Granted, they want to fill up a few
bongs of their own first).  But, some guy with a bag over his
head (Jason) doesn’t want them doing drugs, as he pops out
of nowhere and starts poking them with sharp objects !  He 
  later ditches the bag.  Only to don a hockey mask he finds   
on the floor…

 

jason_tease[1] by you.
Not A Very Good Swimmer.

 

73705_michael-phelps-celebrates-his-eighth-gold[2] by you.
A Good Swimmer. 
(But Not A Very Good Role Model).

 

Talk about lame.  They should have called this film “Cheech
and Chong VS. Jason”.  Or “Harold and Kumar Escape Camp
Crystal Lake”.  Even “Friday After Next” would have been a
more fitting title !

Another problem with this movie is the amount of sex and
nudity.  They overdo it with the boobage.  A little boob is
OK.  A big boob is even better.  But I started to feel as if
I walked into the wrong theater…  (I even started to look
around to see if people were wearing trench coats) !!! 

There are zero scares in “Friday the 13th”, and the movie
suffers from a total lack of imagination.  When the first few
films came out long ago, many critics and cynics saw them
as nothing more than trash, saturated with sex, drugs and
gore.  Yes, there was sex (my grandpa actually would do a
“wolf whistle” every time there was some nudity).  And yes,
 there was always some drug use and ground-breaking gore.
But it was always in small amounts !

What made the original “Friday the 13th” popular was the
horror.  A sense of dread, punctuated with “jump out of
your seat moments” !!!  They really did try to make movie
magic, and in those days, despite bad reviews, they had 
succeeded…  It is a shame that 2009′s “reboot” amplifies
the elements that did not work.  They must be trying to 
prove some of the critics right !

Please, skip this misguided attempt at entertainment, and
go rent the originals (now digitally remastered) !!!  I only
wish the director of this new flick would have thought to
do the same…

Dead in the water, “Friday the 13th” just doesn’t cut it. 

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “3″ out of “10″

 

 

January 23, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Inkheart”

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 7:00 pm
Tags: , ,

inkheartpic1[1] by you.
Go Change.  Someone Just Called You Mrs. Doubtfire !

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s Novel Idea:  Inkheart

January is such a gloomy month.  The winter winds blow, the skies
are grey, and the movie theaters are a barren wasteland…  Devoid 
of good movies as the trees are devoid of leaves !  (At least that 
was the case last year around this time). 

We were treated to such charmers as “Over Her Dead Body” and
“In the Name of the King:  A Dungeon Siege Tale”.  But it is looking
like spring might be hitting us early.  No…  I am NOT talking about
“Hotel For Dogs”.  I am thinking more along the lines of “Defiance”, 
“My Bloody Valentine 3D” and, much to my surprise, “Inkheart”.  

As it so happens, “Defiance” is what “Valkyrie” should have been. 
(Will someone please call Tom Cruise and tell him that he sucks) ! 
I’d love to do it myself,  but I seem to have “misplaced” his phone
number.  Pity.  Anyway, “Defiance” wasn’t the infuhrerating mess 
“Valkyrie” became…  I realize the latter was a modest success at 
the box office, but I am not a fan of that particular S S hit.

   Do not adjust your computer screen folks.  I DID indeed insinuate 
that “My Bloody Valentine 3D” was enjoyable…  If nothing else,
“MBV3D” is a thrill ride of sorts.  I was impressed that it managed
to capture the feeling of the original cult classic, all while adding
some new “dimensions” of its own. 

For example, this updated version boasts huge 3-D BOOBS.  Yep.
Boobs.  Folks were actually reaching out for ‘em.  (To avoid any 
  confusion, please remember “Valkyrie” is not in 3-D).  That film    
 features just one boob, and he is flatter than a pancake.

Now…  In regards to “Inkheart”, its flaws are many and its flaws
are obvious.  Nonetheless,  I rather enjoyed watching this flick. 
Sometimes, the movie is whimsical.  And at other times, flimsy. 
I guess that makes it “flimsical”.

Brendan Fraser returns to the big screen, and once again he is 
playing second fiddle to some CGI Gods and Monsters.  Brendan
is delightful as Mortimer “Mo” Folchart, a guy with a passion for
old books.  His love of literature is shared enthusiastically by his 
cute young daughter, Meggie.  The pair travel around the world
trying to locate hard to find writings, having a blast while doing
so !!!  

 

inkheart-0[1] by you.
I Can’t Believe Borders Threw Us Out ! 

 

Mo has spent several years searching for an out of print book 
titled “Inkheart”.  At first,  Meggie does not have the first clue
as to why her father is so obsessed with coming across it. She
just sees him as a bit of a loon, and leaves everything at that.

Imagine her surprise when she finds out the old book holds a
 secret to her past, involving her long lost mother !  We learn
that Mo has a magical gift…  He is a “Silvertongue”, someone
who can bring a character to life from a book just by reading
it out loud !  He actually pulls them out of the story into this
world (but it creates a vortex that forces someone out here
to be sucked in at the same time).

It’s a good thing he found out about his powers before he
read something of a questionable quality.  There are three
 books that a Silvertongue should probably NEVER read out 
loud from:

 ****************************************

 

Sex ~ by Madonna

Me ~ by Katharine Hepburn

Garfield Goes to Waist ~ by Jim Davis

 

****************************************

 

GD*7016010 by you.
Madonna:  Hard Candy…  Or Soft Serve ?

 

Anyway… Meggie’s Mom is stuck in the book (or so it seems)
and all sorts of characters are running amok.  Some are good
guys, like the hippie flame-thrower “Dustfinger”.  Now that’s 
a name !!!  (I guess there are worse fingers that he could be
be associated with)… 

In the evil villain department we are treated to “Capricorn”,
played wonderfully by Andy Serkis (Gollum in “The Lord of 
the Rings” trilogy).  His plan is to enlist Mo’s help in reading
a creep known as “The Shadow” out of “Inkheart”.  He will
stop at nothing, and conjures up a number of beasts to do
his bidding !  With the aide of a stuttering Silvertongue, he
manages to wreck some havoc on the countryside.

Meggie and Mo are not alone, as Dustfinger, a unicorn, and
even Toto from “The Wizard of Oz” do battle with the group
of wretched scum.  I’ve got to say it.  Toto is CUTE.  I can
be such a sucker for an adorable dog in a flick…  One extra
point, right there !  LOL ! 

Also helping our heroes is Meggie’s eccentric great aunt,
“Elinor Loredan” (played with a crazy perfection by Helen
Mirren).  This nut would give “Cruella Deville” a real run
for her money !

Yes, some hijinks ensue as all types of oddballs drop out
of the sky…  Including Rapunzel, who resembles Christina
Aguilera in hair extensions.  The Shadow does show up of
course, and it starts to look like curtains for Mo and the
 gang.  As expected, a grand battle plays out at the end !

When all was said and done…  I would have liked to have
seen more famous fictional characters flushed out !  This 
  movie stayed focused on the same few the ENTIRE time… 

Another miniscule gripe I have was about the locations. 
   All of the events transpire at Capricorn’s castle…  But a    
magical story (featuring such a broad imagination) really
should have had a broad backdrop as well !  Regardless,
it is all in good fun…  And it sure beats the heck out of 
that “Prince Crapstain” nonsense.

  Worn edges aside, “Inkheart” has the write attitude !!!

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “7″ out of “10″ 

 

 

January 2, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: The Best of 2008

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 10:00 am
Tags: , ,

1145536617_22fd66b461[1].jpg_v=0 by you.
Why Are You Guys Dressed Up ?  This Is An Informal Event !

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Even Dick Clark Has Been Anticipating:
The Best of 2008

Happy New Year  !!!  2009 is upon us…  But 2008 still resounds through
the pages of “Critical Corner”.  Arguably, it was one of the most notable
years for cinema since 1939 !!!  (That’s when the world was treated to 
such monumental gems as “Stagecoach”, “Ninotchka”, “Gone With the  
Wind”, “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” and “The Wizard of Oz”) !

2008 was indeed a year of laughter and tears…  Tons of tears actually.
I can still recall seeing a grown man cry like a baby after coming out of
a late showing of “The Happening” with his family !  He fell to his knees
and wondered what “happened” to the ten dollars they put out for that
awful flick.

I will NEVER forget the look on his children’s faces.  Faces filled with 
despair…  “Why Papa?” they asked, “Why?”  It all looked like a street
urchin scene from a Charles Dickens novel !  The kids looked so cold
and hungry that I almost gave them a quarter but feared they would
just turn around and spend it on “The X-Files:  I Want to Believe” or
“Journey to the Center of the Earth”.  Instead, I handed them a few
copies of my fantastic reviews (which they promptly ate).

Enough of the mushy stuff…  Let’s talk about the best of the best !!!
That’s right folks, it’s time for my top movies of 2008 to be exposed in
a grand fashion !  Some of you will agree.  Some of you will throw up.
But in the end, a good time will be had by all !!!

And… here… we… go !

**************************************************

# 1

Iron Man

You would have to be Stark raving mad not to LOVE this movie !

 url[1].jpg&usg=AFQjCNEBYUImzdXX6iezE35G2AeOWsCPTg by you.

**************************************************

# 2

The Dark Knight

The Joker’s Wild !!!

 

**************************************************

# 3

Horton Hears A Who!

After playing an Ozzy Osbourne record backwards.

 

***************************************************

# 4

Changeling

Change you can believe in !

 

**************************************************

# 5 (Is Alive) !

Wall-E

A “spaced-out” robot finds love !

 url[1].jpg&usg=AFQjCNGcJstq6bHznsucdsUhZMaWq4w-VA by you.

This Is A Beautiful Award.  Thank You !


**************************************************

# 6

Cloverfield

Filmed by Katharine Hepburn !

 

*************************************************

# 7

The Fall

Have a nice trip !

 

**************************************************

# 8

Gran Torino

Grandpa Torino is more like it !

 

**************************************************

# 9

The Incredible Hulk

A huge SMASH over the Banner summer of 2008 !

 url[1].jpg&usg=AFQjCNHBhxra7ukdIZnMDUDuhH6I3Jrx9w by you.

What Do You Mean I’m Not Number One ?

 

**************************************************

# 10

Kung Fu Panda

Tastes Like Chicken !

 

**************************************************

And now, for the REST of the BEST !  Honorable Mentions:

~ Indiana Jones and the
Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Speed Racer ~
~ Mamma Mia!
 Forgetting Sarah Marshall ~
~ Tropic Thunder 
Bolt ~
~ Star Wars:  The Clone Wars 
  Quarantine ~ 
 ~ Milk 
Hellboy II:  The Golden Army ~ 
~ Get Smart 
Death Race ~
~ Doubt 
Prom Night ~
~ Slumdog Millionaire

 ~

************************************************** 

There you have it !  Feast upon the greatness of it all !  LOL !!!
Now, you are probably wondering what the WORST movies were
of 2008.  So many to choose from…  Here are the five BIGGEST 
STINKERS in no particular odor order !!!  (Please, open a window
and maybe even hold your breath).

 In the Name of the King:  A Dungeon Siege Tale

Semi-Pro  

Over Her Dead Body

The Strangers

The X-Files:  I Want To Believe

 

**************************************************

On a final note, I would like to say that “CriticalCorner.Net” has had
a fantastic first year thanks to YOU !!!  Please come back soon and 
often !  Much to my surprise, my most viewed post of 2008 was not
“The Dark Knight” or even “Iron Man”…  (Drum Roll Please)…

It was “Death Race” !  Ha Ha !  Unreal.  Good times, good times.

~ ~ ~

Daniel’s Critical Corner:  Always  a “10″ out of “10″ !!!

 

 

December 25, 2008

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Valkyrie”

Filed under: Missing an eyeball — Daniel @ 7:00 pm
Tags: , , ,

wonderful_470[1] by you.
Ha Ha !  Look At Tom Cruise Wearing That Eyepatch !

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Bombing Today:  Valkyrie

There is nothing quite like Christmas Day !  The opening of presents, 
the laughter of children, and a cup of eggnog next to a glowing fire. 
And then there is the Christmas Dinner.  A grand turkey (or perhaps  
 a ham) with good wine and family.  But after your feast, what to do ? 

 You have already watched “Schindler’s List”,  and Grandma (along with
little Suzie) still wants some Nazi action…  Why settle for “The Grinch”
when everyone can have Adolph Hitler !!!  No little Suzie, I did not say
“Rudolph”.  This red nose means DEATH.  Beware !      

In “Valkyrie”, we have the multi-not talented Tom Cruise playing the
part of a Nutzi.  Er…  I mean Nazi.  I’m sorry, I just don’t like the guy. 
A long time ago I may have.  But I started to think he was a twit well
before he jumped on “Oprah”.
 
Let’s take “The Last Samurai” for example.  What was up with that ? 
Talk about egotistical…  Sheesh…  Cruise sports some long hair and 
   boasts he is the VERY LAST of a great Asian race of warriors.  That’s  
  akin to casting Brad Pitt as “The Last Soul Singer”.  Or maybe Reese  
Witherspoon as “The Last Geisha”.  How about Samuel L. Jackson as 
“The Last Mariachi” ?  C’mon now.  It’s just plain silly. 

At least in this film, he doesn’t play the last Nazi.  Just a Nazi.  A Nazi
without a German accent.  Tom is Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg, who  
was injured in battle (during World War II).  He has become a one-eyed,
 one-hand, flying purple people eater.  (I just couldn’t resist).  LOL !!!  
Yes, his character does loose an eye, and also his hand.  Worst of all,
he looses his ability to seem even remotely interesting.     
 
All of this stuff is based on a true story…  We learn that Stauffenberg was
part of a plot to kill Hitler back in 1944.  Of course, we all know he did not 
succeed.  Unfortunately, most of the characters in this film seem to know  
 it as well…  Everyone is just so wooden and somber.  They show a range  
of “emotions” from A to B, and try their darndest to bore the heck out  
of anyone watching.

 

tom-cruise-valkyrie[1] by you.
All The Reich Moves

 

I could not believe my eyes as scene after scene took place in room after
room where Cruise and his fellow conspirators try to be as monotone as  
humanly possible…  Nothing but drab outfits and grey backdrops decorate
the screen while everyone seems to be reading cold from a history book !  
A waste of talent if you ask me…  Actors such as Terence Stamp (one of
the bad guys in sparkle-tights from “Superman II”) and Kenneth Branagh
are just squandered on this dull tripe.

OK, so as for the plot, Tom is bummed out that he is missing an eyeball…
And with his one “apt pupil”, he can see that Germany is losing the war.
What’s a guy to do ?  Well, assassinating Hitler seems like a good place to
start…  And I guess back then, EVERYONE wanted to murder the Fuhrer !

Now, it seems to me a dangerous business to try to kill Hitler.  But the
heroes in this movie make it rather obvious what they are trying to do.
Despite putting their lives (as well as the lives of their wives and kids)
in mortal peril, these guys seem to be brazen about the entire affair. 

  For example, when Stauffenberg is interviewing for a new assistant, he 
freely tells a complete stranger that he is looking to kill Germany’s leader
and commit high treason.  “Are you in?”, he asks the young man.  Lucky 
for Stauffenberg, the applicant replies with something like, “Heck yea
dude, let’s kill Hitler…  Sweet!” 

Then, the Colonel points to a painting of Hitler and says “Right now, his 
  portrait hangs on the wall, but soon it is the man who shall be hung”.   
Ha Ha ! What are they going to do ?  Send Hitler a penis pump ?  Didn’t
Tom or director Bryan Singer notice that line sounded a little “strange” ?

At one point, all of the would-be assassins have a “super secret” meeting
at someone’s house.  They have milk and cookies, and discuss what they
will soon call operation “Valkyrie”…  During his first visit, Col. Stauffenberg
speaks up almost right away and points out some flaws.  The group leader
looks shocked and asks everyone, “Who is this man?”  Apparently, during
such gatherings, no one is introduced and anyone can show up.

 

425.valkyrie.081408[1] by you.
Time To Activate The Cruise Control !


 Odd as it may sound, the only character that seems to have an ounce of
personality is Adolph Hitler.  He actually is entertaining, but for the wrong
reasons…  Actor David Bamber goes a little overboard with his attempt at
the evil dictator, and seems to be channeling Bela Lugosi’s “Dracula” more
than anything !  He menaces towards people, with one hand reaching out
just a little farther than the other and he looks at people with his eyes off
to the side.  I kept waiting for him to say “I never drink wine”.

Another thing that grabbed my attention was cigarette dropping…  Many
different characters, (some just extras dressed up as soldiers) managed to
drop their cigarettes and subsequently grind them out with their feet.  This
happens three or four times….  Near the end, one guy has a cigarette in his
hand, and he throws it off a balcony !  To my surprise, he did NOT stomp it
out, but he did drop the thing.  I think that’s what attracted Tom Cruise to
this project.  People dropping cigarettes.  

This film could have really been awesome.  It could have shown us what
life was really like in 1940′s Germany.  No culture to be seen here at all. 
I can get a better flavor for Germany by going over to Wienerschnitzel 
and ordering some kraut.  

Believe it or not, Mr. Cruise doesn’t ruin this flick (even though he tries).  
We are given an interesting premise which is played just a little too safe !
 

Go see that dog movie this Christmas and skip “Valkyrie”.  It’s nazi-ating.

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “3.5″ out of “10″

 

 

December 7, 2008

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Australia”

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 8:00 am
Tags: , ,

AUSTRALIA-ENTERTAINMENT-FILM-TOURISM by you.
Crocodile And Dundee

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Crawling Out From “Down Under” Today:
Australia

A trip to a nursing home can be either inspiring or heartbreaking.
I guess it can go both ways…  But my visit to one the other day
was sort of “in the middle”.  The residents were a coherent but 
mellow group.

There was the cute little old lady clutching her box of sour lemon
candy.  She was telling her (probably sixth) husband that it only
cost a dollar with her rewards coupon…  And then there was this
 rather elderly gentleman leaning on his cane.  He was attempting
 to impress the happy couple by bragging about his free popcorn.

Other oldies managed to trickle into the place sporadically, a few 
of them wearing Christmas sweaters, others sporting fedoras and
such…   It actually looked like church !  They all took their seats,
getting ready to see a motion picture together.  Not a cell phone 
to be found among them !  Such a nice, quiet group.  There were
some soft noises, sure.  Two, maybe three oxygen tanks hissing. 
Involuntary flatulence.  I even heard somone’s arteries harden… 
Aside from that, nada !

Whoops !!!  Did I say I was at a nursing home ?  I meant to tell you
I was at the local movie theater on “senior discount” Monday !  We
were all there to see “Australia” !!!  As a wrinkled patron later told 
me, it was a lovely way to spend an afternoon !

That’s debatable.  It ate up my ENTIRE day, and (with a run time of
 almost three hours) I think a couple of mummified moviegoers expired
where they sat !  When the credits FINALLY started to roll, most of
 the group got up to the best of their ability and hobbled out…  But  
a couple of ‘em did not. They just sat there, motionless.  I decided
it was best just to keep moving and not look back.

Truth be told, I’m always leery of a movie that has a continent in
the title.  Did anyone see “I Dreamed of Africa” ? That was a total
 NIGHTMARE !!!  Some chick decides to take her little son to (of all
places) Africa, and live in the middle of nowhere…  She shacks up
with some hunter dude, but it isn’t long before her poor child gets
gobbled up by a snake !  Oh well.  They should have just stayed  
“Out of Africa”.  Ha !!!  Let’s move on to Australia now, shall we ?

 

Palin[2] by you.

 Australia ?  What On Earth Is That ?  A Drink ?

 

   “Australia” starts on a rather odd note.  A young boy with messy
hair is talking absolute rubbish.  Something about his grandfather
being a king and that people who herd cattle are bad.  We soon 
learn this brat is “aboriginal”.  Speaking of “Abba Originals”, I am 
just DYING to see “Mama Mia!” again.  But that’s another story.  

The kid is called (of all things) “Creamy”.  Who the heck came
up with that silly name ?   Michael Jackson ?  Folgers Coffee ?

Our tale is set in 1939 (which, if nothing else, was a red-letter
year for cinema) ! Young Creamy and his mother are working on
 an Australian cattle station, where all is bliss until Nicole Kidman
shows up. 

Kidman plays “Lady Sarah Ashley”, a woman of privilege whose
husband owns the station.  Upon her arrival, Ashley’s spouse is
murdered…  Just as she uncovers a plot by an evil cattle baron 
looking to gain a monopoly over the beef industry !

 Speaking of beef, a burly cattle man known only as “The Drover”
(played by Hugh Jackman) comes to her aide.  Despite obvious 
dangers, they decide to take over her dead hubby’s legacy and 
drive the cattle…  INSANE.

 

url[1].jpg&usg=AFQjCNF4oBs1lg0B9dRGGsAiu4oSV8VdQw by you.
 A Huge Jack, Man !

 

 Lady Ashley moans and groans about how awful the country is.
But soon, The Drover shows her how to find true beauty in the 
 rugged terrain.  At one point, the delicate doll sees a Kangaroo 
and gets totally excited…  The next thing you know, one of her 
hired hands blows the beast away with a shotgun (followed by  
a scene where everyone eats it with fervor).

I could never eat a kangaroo.  They are just too darn cute !
  Hmmm…  Well, I suppose if I were stranded on a desert island,
with nothing but a kangaroo, I would probably start chowing
down on that juicy jumper !!!  (Slathering it up with plenty of
ketchup while wearing the little pouch as some sort of hat).

Kangaroos aside, there isn’t much going on to let us know we
are in Australia.  No boomerangs.  No cuddly koala bears.  No
giant kazoos (or whatever those things are called).  Worst of
all, no one really says “G’day mate” much…  Granted, we are  
treated to some old naked dude doing a “walkabout”.  

And THAT was enough to make me just wanna walkaout !  

 Nicole Kidman’s performance seems really forced in this flick,
and Hugh just prances around shirtless desperately trying to
get voted “Sexiest Man Alive”.  There isn’t much in the way 
 of chemistry between those two anyway, with a dry attempt
at romance failing to light up the big screen.

One evening they are watching shooting stars while kissing 
under a boab tree…  But nothing “magical” happens.  Hugh 
scores (maybe a handful) of boab and then calls it a night !

Some scenes do manage to evoke a “Gone with the Wind”  
 kind of vibe, while others emulate “The Wizard of Oz”.  To 
be fair, I will say this is because of some rather effective
directing. 

“Oz” (is indeed) a continuing theme throughout the film !!!  
Kudos to director  “Buzz Lightyear”  !  Um…   Ugh.  I mean
to director  “Fuzz Lemur”.  No ?  I think I’m getting closer. 
Oh !  I got it,  “Baz Luhrmann” !

 Regardless, “Australia” gets lost in its own decadence.  A  
beautiful epic, make no mistake.  There are so many vast, 
 sweeping vistas that this movie could be the straight man’s
“Brokeback Mountain”…  Complete with a TENT !!!  
  
But eye candy as this may be, it is way toooo long.  The  
story wraps up nicely after about two hours, only to start 
again with a half-hearted gusto…  Our final outcome is still 
the same, with no real or viable reasons to keep plodding 
forward.

Let’s just take “Australia” outback…  And leave it there.

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No
    
Daniel’s Critical Rating: “6″ out of “10″

 

 

November 18, 2008

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Quilting of Sorrow”

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 5:13 pm
Tags: , ,

quantumofsolacepic1[2] by you.
I Warn You…  I’m Out On Bond !

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s View To A Kill:
Quality of Sausage

Yes folks, today I will be reviewing the thrilling new spy adventure, 
“Quenching of Sasquatch” !!!  Bigfoot is BACK…  And this time he is
thirsty !  Hmmm…  Something is wrong there…  Did I get the title
right ?  Maybe I messed up ?  It’s hard to remember !

How about “Quitting of Salisbury Steak” ?  Yep. That has to be it.
A man goes on a diet and…  No, that’s not going to work either. 
Ugh !!!  Let’s try “Quest for Salsa”  ?  “Quelling of Songbirds” ?
“Quidditch of Slytherin” ???

I’m just going to have to look this up on IMDb.  Darn it.  Why did
they have to give the new James Bond flick such a goofy name ? 
Ah, well, here it is.  “Quantum of Solace”.  Strange title for a 007
story.  But then again, this movie is rather far removed from the
classics we all know and love.

Daniel Craig returns as Bond, hot off the heels of “Casino Royale”. 
Craig is a hunk, I will give you that.  When he goes to bed with a 
fine, random chick, you actually BELIEVE it could happen.  As for
the other old “codgers” that have filled the famous spy’s shoes,   
it seems to me they would have died in the arms of about any
 kitten they were with.

I never understood that.  Really.  Sean Connery.  He’s hot if you 
are like, 86.  And then there was Roger Moore.  But Moore what ? 
Viagra ? Oxygen ?  It seems that in Hollywood, getting ANY babe
is possible if you are either James Bond or Woody Allen.

~

Now, I would like to take a moment to answer a random letter
from one of my lucky fans !!!  Let me just reach on in, and see
what I can pull out !  Ooooh…  This looks like a good one !  We
have a question from Big Glenn in Pasadena !  Hello Big Glenn !

 

 Glenn[1] by you.

Glenn asks:

        “Hi Daniel.  I am a HUGE fan of yours.  I check your stuff
       out at least once a week.  Are you into bondage at all” ?

 Awww, what a nice fella !  Thank you so much !  Well,
I don’t know too much about the subject, but I will try
my best…  Here we go…

 

daniel_craig[1] by you.
Daniel Craig:  40 Years Old

 

sean-connery-1[1] by you.
Sean Connery:  78 Years Old

 


 rogermoore[2] by you.
Roger Moore:  Dead 109 Years Old

 

  You see Glenn, I do know a little something about “Bond Age” !
Thanks for writing, and keep on keepin’ on !  Nice outfit buddy.

~

All that aside, in this new adventure, our hero has been reinvented
to the point of veritable unrecognizability…   The 007 of today has 
only one gadget.  A gun.  That shoots bullets.  How original.  This
     guy has about as much intrigue as a character from “Prison Break”.   

He drives cars that go very fast.  Yep.  Cars.  Fast.  Move over, 
Tracy Chapman !!!  They don’t have any cool missile launchers or
anything like that…  No lasers.  No flame-throwers.  But that’s a
good thing.  Might slow that pretty little vehicle down. 

Our plot begins with James meeting up with his Auntie “M” (once
more played with wrinkled sensibility by Dame Judith Dench)…  A
welcome sight, she is the only person still around from the older 
movies.  Both “Q”  and “Moneypenny” are MIA.  

During an interrogation, M gets shot and blood goes all over the
place.  James has to chase the bad guy out of the room, and an
(arguably) rather exciting fight scene ensues.  The entire time, I
 was just worried about the old bag…  Did she survive ?  Were   
they gonna “finish off”  the last of the iconic Bond characters to
please certain people that now seem to hate ALL of the old 
movies ? 

Small spoiler >>>  Well, the good news is she is OK.  Actually,  
she is BETTER than OK.  She is some sort of indestructible super
woman…  In the scene after the shooting, we see her talking to
James as if nothing ever happened.  They never say if M had a
bulletproof vest on, or if she was wounded, or where the blood
came from when she was shot.  She is walking around having a 
nice time just chatting away.  Well, good for her.  I’m glad she’s
going to live to die another day.  

We soon learn that James Bond is trying to find out who killed his
girlfriend Vespa (or whatever her name was) in the prior film.  He is
blinded by an inconsolable rage, and has lost his sense of humor.
 Not to mention his sense of sight…  Wait until you see this new  
Bond girl.  YUCK !!!  At first glance she is a cutie, but then you
realize she went a little nuts with the bottle of sunless tanning
lotion.  And, she happens to be deformed.

The young lady loves wearing skimpy backless dresses, to show
off what appears to be an attempt at tattoo removal…  I am not
kidding. It looks like she was dragged behind the back of a truck
for at least a couple of hours !  I wanted to throw up, with the  
audience waiting for some blind dude to come up behind her 
and mistake it all for braille.

She also has a really bland name.  Camille.  I remember when 
 the Bond girls were all double entrees !!!  They used to have  
such memorable monikers as “Pussy Galore”, “Xenia Onatopp”,
“Holly Goodhead” and “Toucha Mybooba”.

Well, Mr. Grumpy teams up with Miss Lumpy and they hit the
road, traveling to several exotic locales to find some scheming
evildoers.  At one point, they end up in Haiti.  How appropriate,
because I Haiti this movie !  LOL !!!

 

674.x400.ft.films.odds.02[1] by you.
^ James Making A Quantum Leap !

 

  While seeking vengeance, James stumbles upon a village where
the water supply is missing.  Some odious villain has gone and
damned it all…  TO HELL.  In a scene that just goes on and on
we see the villagers looking at a leaking pipe.  They are holding
empty buckets, waiting for water…  We see the pipe, then the
villagers, the villagers then the pipe, and finally the pipe stops
dripping.

All hope appears lost, (but then I see everyone has beer so 
I’m not sure what the problem is).  Maybe somebody had to
wash their dog or something along those lines…  So James  
says he will help them and that’s when the fun (yawn) really
starts. 

Bond and his new girlfriend fly across the desert in a plane
that gets shot down faster than you can say “Mayday”.  Our
heroes persevere, and make it to a bunker where two totally
forgettable bad guys are plotting evil deeds ! There is some
shooting, a couple of explosions and then it’s over with as 
soon as it begins.

This movie was about as mindless (and soulless) as a video
game…  I’m hoping the next one will bring back the James
we all know and love.  With high-tech gadgetry brought to
life by today’s special effects.  As an action flick, this isn’t
too bad.  As a “James Bond” flick, it doesn’t even qualify. 

Quantum of Solace bored the living daylights out of me. 

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “4″ out of “10″

Please, be sure to hit the comment button on the lower
left hand side of this review, I’d love your feedback !!!
But first, take a stab at my titillating “Bond Girl” poll !
< – - -   (Over that way).

              

 

 

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