Daniel’s Critical Corner

Who You Callin’ A “Pretty Boy” ???

 ~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s Impossibly Long Title:  The Chronicles of
Narnia:  Prince Caspian

 WOW !  Check out that moniker !  It takes up the entire top of my page !
What is with that exactly ?  Couldn’t they have just called it Narnia 2 and
been done with it?  I mean, when I went to get my ticket, I didn’t say “Hi
there, one adult for The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian please”.  Yes,
 I could have said that, but that would have made me look like a big TWIT. 
 Nope.  “One for Narnia please” was just enough to get the point across.
Hmmm…  I suppose “Narnia Dos” would’ve worked as well… 

 Regardless, “The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian” still manages to
be a little less of a mouthful than “Harry Potter and the Nursing Home
in Phoenix” (or wherever Daniel Radclliffe is retiring too).

Enough about the title, let’s get to the movie !!! 
We begin with a horrible scream…  (No, not from someone in the audience). A   
woman is giving birth in a castle, and we realize this baby is an heir to a throne 
of some sort.  Something is then mentioned in passing about the “Caspian Clan”… 

Moments later, we see a different woman (in bed and apparently in the same castle). She 
is notabley young and beautiful, with what appears to be perfect hair.  Someone sneaks
into her chambers, then a hand claps over her mouth to keep her from yelling.  It turns  
out that the woman is none other than Prince Caspian !  (Yea, I know that’s confusing).
I thought he was a chick at first glance.  Dude looks like a lady.

   Anyway, some old guy dressed as Santa Claus ushers the prince out of the castle,
fearing that his life is in danger…  Low and behold, it is !  The aforementioned baby
can’t become king if our pal Caspian is alive and kicking.  The baby’s daddy is the
main villain in this picture, a guy with a penchant for power who looks like an ugly
(and perhaps retarded) version of Leonidas from “300″ !

Our hero runs into the woods, where he finds some midgets and other freaks.
  And that’s when he gets REAL horny !!!  Allow me to elaborate…  (He grabs a 
horn given to him by Santa Claus).  He starts blowing the heck out of it, while
one of the midgets beats him over the head.  Sounds WILD, I know.  And all of
this in a “PG” film !!!

He Sees You When You’re Sleeping…
(Through This Movie) 

Suddenly, like magic, the brats from the prior installment are sucked out of England 
 and into the land of Narnia.  (That’s where the horn tootin’ prince lives).  Let’s see, if
memory serves me correctly we have “Lucy”, “Peter”, “Schlepo” and “What’s Her Face”.
Hmmm… Close enough.  The group is glad to be back at first, but they soon realize  
  that more than a thousand years has passed in NST (Narnia Standard Time) since their 
last visit.  The world that they once knew now officially sucks.  Bad guys have
overtaken the land,  and everything is in ruin !

So the gang of young kings and queens who once defeated the “Ice Witch” (or
whatever she was called) must join forces with Prince Crapstain to save the day !
 They decide to once more enlist the aid of strange looking creatures and assorted
oddballs.  They befriend a cute little talking mouse that wears a feather and slits
people’s throats like butter… (Lovely).  They also search for their old pal, Aslan
the Lion !  Not an easy guy to get in touch with.  He’s terrible about returning
messages (and that’s if you are lucky enough to even get his voice mail). 

In one touching scene, the youngest girl sees a lion on a rock and runs up to him,
crying.  As everyone cheers, she wraps her arms around the noble animal. In a flash,
the lion bites off her head.  One of the other kids screams and runs up with a sword,
but he looses his arm as everyone shoots arrows at the enraged BEAST. 

LOL !  OK, it didn’t go down quite like that (if this were MY movie, that’s what
would probably happen). Maybe it’s a good thing they haven’t called me to do
“Narnia Tres”.  Yes, of course the little girl finds Aslan (voiced by Liam Neeson),
and it’s all smiles and butterflies after that. 

But not before there is a good deal of action and bloodshed.  These little kids go to
battle and kill several people.  A couple of them are dressed in full adult armor, and 
they look just plain silly.  It’s also hard to believe that they are strong enough to beat
some of the evil warriors that come their way, (either hand to hand or sword to sword).
Cute animals are found donning knives and such, and join in on the bloodbath.  Kind
of strange actually. 

 Granted, the effects are brilliant, and this movie is faster paced compared to the   
first.  Truth be told, I liked this installment a tad better…   And of course, it is  
(big surprise) DARKER.  That’s the rule these days.  If a studio makes a successful  
kid’s fantasy film, each sequel has to get darker and darker with a higher
body count.

A Group Of Undecided Superdelegates Prepare
To Meet With Hillary Clinton…

And now, for your “entertainment” (if you can call it that), here is an example
of a “generic” kid’s fantasy movie script (complete with sequels).  

 ~

Generic Kid’s Fantasy Movie

Little Girl:  “What a pretty rainbow”.

Goat-Head Creature:  “Yes, and such a nice day as well” !

Little Girl:  “What a magical land” !

Generic Kid’s Fantasy Movie Part 2 

Little Girl:  “It’s raining.”

Goat-Head Creature:  “There is evil afoot.”

Little Girl:  “And the bad sorcerer killed Puppy-Face” !

Goat-Head Creature:  “Awww… He was so cute” !

Little Girl:  “He was actually more than just cute . He 
                    represented the plight of starving animals
around the world” !!!

 Generic Kid’s Fantasy Movie Part 3 (The Final Chapter)

Goat-Head Creature:  “What the heck happened to you” ?

Little Girl:  “What do you mean” ?

Goat-Head Creature:  “You are like what, 40 years old now,
                        and still wearing pigtails” ?

Little Girl:  “You have been possessed by the evil one  
                     like all of the others.  Now you must DIE” !!!

Goat-Head Creature:  “Nooooooo” !

(The little girl stabs Goat-Head Creature with the “Dagger of Truth”.
His blood splatters onto the camera.  As it drips off, we see the
 rainbow again from the first film, but this time with a new clarity).

The End.  Ha Ha !  (I’m sure you get my drift…)

~

 Now, the “Narnia” books by C.S. Lewis are truly an achievement in literature. 
I read all of them many years ago, (and was impressed).  I just don’t remember
them being quite as intense in comparison to this film…  Can you believe they 
actually swat an innocent midget in this flick ?  Hey… Get your minds out of the 
gutter !!!  I said “swat” not “SWAP”.  

In all fairness,  “Narnia” isn’t that bad… It’s just another run of the mill fantasy
 film sequel that tries to focus on more “grown up” themes than it’s predecessor. 
And with so much action, there is absolutley NO room for character growth.
(Unless you count the beauty mole on Caspian’s lip). 

“The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian” is perfect fodder for the dollar
movies, and I ain’t Lion !

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “6.5″ out of “10″

 
Stop !!! (In The Name Of Glove)  

 ~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Soaring High Today:  Iron Man

 Move over Spider, Bat and Super, there’s a new MAN in town !!!

Let’s kick this review off with a startling confession…  One that may shock you…
I was not AT ALL looking forward to seeing “Iron Man”.  There.  I said it. 
(I’m not proud),  but at least it’s out in the open.  Don’t act so surprised.  I’ve
confessed to worse !  And, in regards to that, I have not been to that midget
site since November.

It’s all true I’m afraid (about me not wanting to see the “Iron Man” movie). 
Don’t get me wrong,  I never had anything against the guy per se, but first of  
all what did I really know about him?  Nada.  Zip.  Zilch.  Goose Egg.  Secondly, the
previews left me flat.  Charlie Chaplin running around in a robot suit ?   Just some
average dude running around in armor?  Beavis and Butt-Head style music ?  This
 film had “One Trick Pony” written ALL over it.  And if you ask me, our hero 
kind of looks like a cross between a “Transformer” and a “Teletubbie”. 

Also, as it would seem, “Iron Man” is without “sex appeal”.  Spider-Man has his
tights, Batman has his rubber nipples, and Wonder Woman has her “Wonderbra”
(Plus she ties you up when you’ve been naughty)…   So what on Earth does Iron
Man have ?  Allow me to enlighten you…  He has a nice CAN!!!  (Badomp Bomp) !

Well, it’s now safe to say that ALL of my preconceived notions melted away as I 
 was slowly drawn in (and then completely mesmerized) by this exciting adventure !

First off , we get to learn a little about Tony Stark, (played by Robert Downey Jr.).
Stark is a super rich playboy, who lives the high life. Granted,  the “high” life is not
much of a stretch for Robert …  At any rate, Tony is the owner of a very successful
weapons manufacturing company.  On a trip to the Middle East, he is kidnapped by
terrorists who force him to start building a bomb.  It isn’t long however, before he
himself becomes “Da Bomb” as the super-suited Iron Man !

Remove Your Hand…  I Am NOT A “Coke” Machine !

It’s awesome to watch the spectacle as Tony (dressed in robotic armor)
starts mopping up the dessert with terrorist scum.  Appropriately, the
soundtrack breaks out into heavy metal as (one by one), assorted baddies
are ripped to shreds by this magnificent machine ! 

Seeing the error of his ways, our shiny hero decides to start doing good
with his company, and he wants out of the weapons business.  Unfortunately,
in the process he manages to piss off (of all people) Jeff Bridges.  I don’t know
about you, but I  personally wouldn’t want to mess with Jeff Bridges. 
Of course, hijinks ensue…

Jeff (giving Lex Luthor a run for his money in the bald villain department), decides
the only way to beat a guy in a robot costume is to build a BIGGER robot costume.
What results is one of the most thrilling good guy/bad guy confrontations in recent 
history.  Nuts really start to fly as they bang the HECK out of each other !  

In no time at all, Robert Downey Jr. manages to turn Jeff Bridge’s
Hard Drive into Software !

An Accident During Filming: One Of The Cars From “Speed Racer” Crashed
Onto The “Iron Man” Set.

Now I’ve got to mention the rather gratuitous “love interest”, played (charmingly) 
 by Gwyneth Paltrow.  WOW !  Haven’t seen her in a while.  Nope…  To be honest,    
I’ve never really managed to see her in much of anything.   I do seem to remember  
her being in the movie “Seven”.  She was the head in Brad Pitt’s box !!!  (Not to be
confused with Justin Timberlake’s popular “Saturday Night Live” skit). 

Glancing at IMDB, it appears Paltrow won an Oscar for “Shakespeare In Love”. 
Hmmmph…  Sounds boring.  Granted, “Elizabeth: The Golden Age” looked rather
dull and I LOVED it, but I was kind of forced to see that.  If someone kicks down 
my door and makes me watch “Shakespeare In Love” at gunpoint, then so be it. 
Maybe I will like it.  But until that time I’m going to have to live without.  Pity.

Regardless, Gwyneth is AWESOME in “Iron Man” , (as is everyone else) !!!
And stick around until after the credits, for a pretty sweet cameo from…
? ? ?

Ha Ha !  I’m not going to tell you.  You have got to go see for yourself !
But this movie is worth seeing from start to finish anyway.  Multiple times. 
Robert Downey Jr. has really raised the bar in this genre, doing an incredible job
playing the consummate super hero “alter ego”.  What is really novel about
this film is that it goes against the traditional “isolated and lonely” hero persona.
As a matter of fact, Tony Stark was very lonely UNTIL he became Iron Man !
Talk about IRONY !  Ha Ha !

His robot suit is even complete with a wise-cracking computer system.  It talks
 to him  (and yes, keeps him company) on his missions.  And if that’s not enough,  
Tony even chats with some friends on his cell phone while he is kicking some
butt.  A far cry from “Bat Man” running to the shadows after a battle, sobbing 
his little heart out over his long dead parents.  It’s been what, 40 years now ? 
Get over it.  Get therapy.  Maybe that’s why this poor guy can’t keep a
girlfriend for more than two hours.  No…  Robin doesn’t count.  LOL !!!

“Iron Man” is solid entertainment !  Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto !!!

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “10″ out of “10″

 
Does Anybody Have A Breath Mint ???

~

Hello kids…  Welcome to Prom Night,
Where the mascara isn’t the only thing that’s running !!!

Boys and girls are screaming down the halls of High School HELL
in this terrifying new thriller !

Our story starts on a rather gruesome note…  In a VERY tense opening scene,
a fifteen year old girl named Donna watches in horror as her math teacher
murders her family…. That’s right…  Her MATH TEACHER. 

He’s in love with the poor lass, and will stop at NOTHING to get her affections.
(Personally, I think he should have just sent flowers).

Somehow, she manages to escape this obsessed nut-job, (and he is eventually 
apprehended by the police).  However, when the teacher is tried for his brutal
crimes,  they ”chalk” it all up to insanity.  He is sent away to an asylum, where 
he waits three LONG years to make his escape.

We flash forward, and see Donna (played by Brittany Snow) is now a senior in
high school…  Hmmmph.   What kind of name is Brittany Snow, anyway ? 
Sounds like a dandruff shampoo.  At any rate, it’s her senior prom, and
she is ready to be the “bell of the ball”.

Now living with her Aunt and Uncle, our heroine seems happy with her new
life. But little does she know, her upcoming prom is really going to be a
“killer” party.  She laughs with her friends as she is getting her hair done,
unaware she is being stalked…  (If you see this film, look REAL closely
at her hairdresser…I’d SWEAR it was Liza Minnelli ).

When the big night arrives, everything starts off as can be expected… Donna 
puts her beautiful gown on, her date rings the doorbell (after pulling up in a
limo),  they pin flowers on each other, pictures are taken, etc… 

Her “boyfriend” looks like he is about thirty, even though he keeps putting
his tongue up to his teeth to make himself look younger and cute.   Sorry dude.  
You might have her fooled but not me !  Shame on the Aunt for not catching on.
The worst scene is when he kisses the poor girl.  He looks like Milton Berle sucking
on an orange. 

It isn’t long before everything is in full swing at the prom, which is being held 
at a historic hotel.  Donna and her hip pals make the scene, and everyone is worried
about who is going to get “crowned” (But they really need to worry about who is going
to get “beheaded”).

 
Oh Dear…  This Isn’t “High School Musical”…  Is It ?

Of course, a couple of these kids run upstairs to their hotel rooms a little early,
 hoping to “get off”, but instead they end up getting “offed”.  The bloodthirsty
teacher has found them and is seeking vengeance with a huge knife ! 
…Talk about cutting class !

One girl sees him on the elevator,  and she starts straight trippin’ !
But that ALWAYS happens in horror films.  She trips on the stairs,
trips on a broom, and of course she trips over a couple of
dead bodies as he chases her down.

Like, OH MY GOD…  My Date Is Like, Totally DEAD.
My Prom Is Sooooo RUINED !

 No one is safe in this flick.  Not even the hotel’s maid.  The killer waits for
her to put up some clean towels (granted, smart move), but then he stabs 
her and throws her into the bathtub.  Before she has a chance to clean it.
Now that’s what I call a grime scene !

She really should have read the sign on the doorknob…
The one that said ”Disturbed“.
Ha Ha !!!

Well, this killer is of a different “vein” as compared to Jason Voorhees or Michael
Myers.  He is just an average looking guy, wearing a ball cap.  He’s always very
visible, which actually makes things a little more scary…  You might just find 
yourself yelling at the screen, “Look behind you” !!!  “Don’t you see him” !?   

“Prom Night” is (in many ways) a typical “by-the-numbers” slasher flick.  But
that’s not necessarily a bad thing !  So what if there isn’t much of a plot ? 
Big deal.  I take my coffee without sugar and my horror movies without
plots.  They just get in the way.  Not quite a classic, this little gem does
manage to hold its own against similar genre films like “Valentine” and 
“I Know Who You Did Last Summer” !

I jumped out of my seat at least seven times…  Five times because I was
scared, and twice because I had to go to the bathroom.

Now, for those of you expecting a remake of the 1980 gore-fest of the same
name, I hate to disappoint you.  This is similar to that movie in title ONLY. 
There is no Jamie Lee Curtis.  No disco ball either. No severed head laying  
on the disco floor.  (Anyone remember that?  Now THAT was truly inspired)!

Prom Night: 1980

 
Prom Night: 1988. 
It’s A Wonder ANYONE Survived.
(No, that’s NOT Madonna)

 LOL !!!

Go See Prom Night…  It’s A “Scream” Come True !

~

Would I Recommend This  ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “7.5″ out of “10″