Daniel's Critical Corner

This Is Just Tomb Much !

 ~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Unearthed Today:  The Mummy: Tomb of the
Dragon Emperor

Imagine if you will, a tomb.  Buried for centuries…  Now, Imagine darkness.
A darkness so bleak that it would terrify even the blind… A darkness, so
vast, that it is known only to the dead.  And then, imagine silence…

 Deep within the forgotten chambers, lies an empty vessel.  Once a man, now
a crumbling shell…  Abandoned centuries ago by even the maggots that used
to delight in feasting on its moist, rotting flesh. 

But then, into the darkness comes light.  Someone has stumbled upon this
ancient resting place.  Someone has spoken the words that will revive the now 
soulless silhouette of what used to be a human being.  Dried up lungs, devoid   
of air for an eternity, start to breathe again.  The creature (long silent), that  
used to laugh and sing of love, now tries to utter vengeful whispers through
cracked lips and breath riddled with dust. 

IT LIVES !  IT WALKS AGAIN !  Reaching out, looking for someone’s throat, 
(so that it may strangle them with skeletal fingers misshapen into claws)…  
Bringing about an eternity of anguish for whoever dares cross its vile path !

  OK, enough about Harrison Ford in “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the
Crystal Skull”.  Let’s start talking about the brand new “Mummy” movie !!! 

Darn it.  I had some great puns lined up for all of you today.  Such as “Who
would have figured Jet Li to be a wrap star” ? Or, “That’s a wrap” !  But,  
(much to my dismay), this movie is all crap and NO wrap.  What we have 
here is a “mummy-free” mummy movie.  Yep.  Not a single Ace Bandage to 
be found !!!  I’ve got no choice but to entertain everyone with jokes about 
pottery, and not of the “Harry” variety. 

What were they thinking ?  A mummy without bandages is like having a
werewolf without fur !  Dracula without fangs!  Amy Winehouse without
crack !  It just doesn’t WORK !

“The Mummy:  Tomb of the Dragon Emperor”, is the highly unanticipated
sequel to “The Mummy” and “The Mummy Returns”.  Brendan Fraser once
more portrays Rick O’Connell,  looking fresh as ever, ready to do battle 
again with icky undead entities.  His wife Evie is also on board, but this 
time Rachel Weisz has been replaced by Maria Bello.  No big deal there.

The New “Mummy Dearest”

  Rick and Evie find out that their son Alex (now an adult) has found an
ancient tomb in China.  But things start to escalate after they excavate.  
Alex, as it seems, just discovered the Pottery Barn FROM HELL.  One of 
China’s most feared Monarchs, “The Dragon Emperor” (Jet Li) is buried 
there, alongside his soldiers. They are all encased in terra cotta.  And,
according to this movie, that qualifies them to be mummies.  A far cry 
from the original bandaged beast, “Imhotep” !   

An ancient spell stirred up by double-crossing bad guys brings the evil 
terra cotta ruler and his minions to life, then they run amok.  Fortunately,  
these creatures are just made of clay, hence easy to break.  I’m thinking,  
what’s the big deal ?  So some overgrown “flower pots” with spears are
terrorizing the town.  No worries.  Ha !  Was I wrong.  It turns out, if they
go past the Great Wall of China, they become IMMORTAL and, therefore,
INDESTRUCTIBLE.  Of course…  Makes sense to me !  Plus, the demonic
Emperor Han (should’ve called him “Ham” with all of the overacting) does
not stay stoned through the entire film…  He is a mover and a shaper,
turning himself into a three-headed dragon !!! 

Sheesh.  Who comes up with this stuff ?  Well, the hapless O’Connell
family get help from an immortal ninja princess and her mother, a
good witch. Ever resourceful, this band of heroes builds an army of  
their own, out of skeleton soldiers and funny looking Yetis.  Yep. 
Abnormal Snowmen.  Talk about Abominable ! 

The “special” effects in this movie are pretty lame.  They would have
even been considered lame thirty years ago.  When we actually get to 
see Jet Li’s horrible face of terror (his plaster mask breaks off), it looks 
like someone raided the set of “Creepshow” or stole the “Crypt Keeper”
puppet.  I guess it really hurts being entombed in pottery for a couple
thousand years.  A dreadful condition known as Clay Achin’ ! 

Get Your Tickets To “Riverdance” Today ! 

 One of the biggest distractions I found was that the entire movie had
a “claustrophobic” feel to it.  You just KNOW this flick was filmed on
some soundstage or small backlot, almost every step of the way.  With
perhaps a couple of exceptions,  I kept waiting for the edge of the    
green screen to show up ! 

But the “Inconsistency of the Year Award” goes to the character of
General Ming.  At the beginning of the story, it is implied that he is
torn apart from limb to limb.  Left to right.  Front to back. From sea
to shining sea.  EVERY appendage this guy has is tied to a different
horse.  Heck, I think they actually ADDED a couple of appendages
for affect !  And, of course the horses run in every direction (like 
this movie).  When he comes back from the dead, he is only
missing an arm.  Go figure. 

Also, Brendan Fraser is only 39 years old, and yet his son is played by 
Luke Ford, (age 27). That’s just freaky.  I’m willing to buy into illusion
somewhat, but c’mon now.  Would it have killed them to get an actual 
teenager to fill the son’s shoes ?  I guess it could have been worse…    
They originally had Mickey Rooney slated for the role, but he couldn’t
find his teeth.

If anything, this movie provides a nice little chaser for “The Dark Knight”.  
At least its heart is in the right place (a jar).  Nothing wrong with harmless
fluff.  The newspaper says that “The Dark Knight” made this movie number
two over the weekend !  Now THERE is an understatement !  LOL !  “Tomb
of the Dragon Emperor” is almost watchable as a guilty pleasure, but I’d
still wait for it as a rental.  You shouldn’t have to spend ten dollars on a
  movie that looks like it only cost about five to make.

Let’s lay this series to rest.  No need for it to “drag on” any further !

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “6″ out of “10″

  
Hi Bob !  Sorry I’m late for shooting practice…

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today I’m Going Batty Over:  The Dark Knight

WOW !  It is FINALLY here.  The weekend we have ALL been waiting for ! 
After months and months of anticipation, one of the biggest events in
 cinematic history is being unveiled before the world’s hungry eyes !  Yes 
folks,  you can now stop marking the days off your calender.  My review 
    for “The Dark Knight” has arrived !!!

I know some of you are sitting at home, dressed up as either Batman or
The Joker, reading this review as you bang away on your laptops.  That’s OK. 
I’m used to people in funny outfits checking my stuff out…  As long as you
keep sending me pictures it’s totally cool.  *(Note to the guy that dresses like
“Elektra”:  I’m flattered but PLEASE get a waxing before trying to pull that
look off again).

So here we are.  “The Dark Knight”.  Hailed as one of the greatest
superhero movies of all time…  But does it stand up to the hype ?  The
answer is, surprisingly, YES !  Is it the best ever ?  That’s certainly
debatable.  Some people would say so…  I’d be inclined to say it’s at
least in the top five, (with the innovative “Iron Man” still on the
throne in my book).

It’s appropriate that the new “Batman” film has brought everything full
circle so to speak.  Tim Burton’s 1989 vision really was the prototype
for this genre as we know it.  Until that point, the only superhero to
be successfully brought to the big screen was “Superman”.  Thanks to
Mr. Burton, we learned that classic comic books could be given a
contemporary spin, and that opened the flood gates. There has been
no turning back. 

I’ve been a fan of Batman through ALL of his incarnations.  From the
campy tights-wearing version of the 1960′s, to the ultra-emo version
of today.   But really, no one goes to these films to see Batman himself.
As superheros go, he is a total bore.  We show up for THE VILLAINS.   
Yep.  Nobody can boast a more exciting lineup.

What does Superman have ?  Lex Luthor ?  Every single movie, Superman
has to battle some bald dude.  Big whoop.  Spider-Man has a little variety,
but his bad guys are just never that deep.  But Batman…  His foes always
have flair, and they are generally driven by something deep and sinister.

The Penguin, The Riddler, Catwoman and The Joker are arguably the
most famous comic book baddies to ever grace the big screen, and
we have Batman to thank for each and every one of them.  They are 
known for having a good time,  while our hero sits in a dark corner 
and broods.  Will someone call Dr. Phil for that guy ?  He has issues. 
I know his parents were killed, but this fellow needs to get over it !

He is just so DEPRESSED.  Even with all that money.  Go figure…  And for
someone suffering with depression he actually gets around pretty well.  If I 
were sad all the time, the LAST thing I would want to do would be to prance
around in a funny costume and then run around town fighting people.  I’d be 
more like the lady in that antidepressant commercial.  You know the one… 
She’s lying on a sofa, and her dog comes up with a ball…  She just sort of 
waves her hand at the perplexed pup in a “go away” gesture and then a   
 voice comes out of nowhere and says “Depression Hurts”.  Yep.  If I were 
a gloomy Gus I’d really want to take a long nap too.  Can you imagine if 
that woman just jumped off of the sofa, and then ran out the front door 
 wearing a cape ?  Boy, would her dog be pissed.

Our friend Bruce Wayne doesn’t seem to let the blues slow him down.  In this
   new movie, we find Bruce (Played by Christian Bale) deep and introspective    
as usual.  Gotham City is finding crime on the decline, thanks to his alter
ego’s heroic actions.  An honest politician by the name of Harvey Dent
(Aaron Eckhart) is the new DA in office, and he is also causing criminals  
to be weary of their evil deeds. 

Enter “The Joker”.  A total schizophrenic nut, played with unrestrained glee by
the late Heath Ledger.  Now HERE is a nemesis none of us will soon forget.  Of
course, people are saying because he died just after filming this picture that it
 really gives his performance an “edge”.  Hmmmph.  Dead Schmead.  He would
have been considered a genius no matter what.  His Joker is THAT good.

Be Honest…  Is My Mascara Running ?

Now, this movie is very DARK.  And there are so many characters, and so many
subplots, and plots within plots, and plots about plots that it’s hard to give “The 
Dark Knight” an in-depth synopsis.  But I will try to sum it up the best that I can.
 It sounds like a mess, but it all works on EVERY level !  From awesome directing
to great acting, this is one helluva ride (and Hans Zimmer has outdone himself 
with an intense soundtrack) !!!

The Joker wants to prove to the world that anyone and everyone is corruptible.
He tries to get the mob to turn on themselves, and he tries to get Harvey Dent
and Batman to turn evil.  He actually succeeds with Dent, as a horrible tragedy
disfigures him and he becomes the monster known as “Two-Face”.  

An all-star cast adds class to this brilliant morality play, as Morgan Freeman,
Gary Oldman, Michael Caine, Cillian Murphy and Maggie Gyllenhaal all do their
thing to perfection.  But Heath Ledger steals the show…  It would be nice to  
see him get an Oscar nod for this.  Not just to honor his legacy, but for the 
sake of recognizing a very popular genre that’s often overlooked at The
Academy Awards.  When will those folks start singing the praises of films 
people actually LIKE ?

No Country For Old Men ?  It’s more like No Trophies For Good Movies. 
LOL !!!

And THIS is for laughing through “Brokeback Mountain” !

Oscar or no Oscar, at least the “Batman” franchise shows us that
rubber nipples RULE.  They’re not just for babies anymore ! 

*Warning: The following two paragraphs contain PLOT SPOILERS !

**********

My only gripe:  I appreciate this film being “darker” per se, but they
actually kill off Batman’s love interest from the first film, Rachel Dawes. 
She’s tied to a chair rigged with a bomb…  And then BOOM !    That’s 
just a cop-out if you ask me.  To make this film gloomier, I guess director
Christopher Nolan felt it was necessary.  I’m really tired of that cliche.  
Soooo many films try to pull that trick these days.  If a sequel is to be
darker, they just HAVE to kill the guy’s girlfriend from the first movie. 
“Revenge of the Sith”, “Quantum of Solace” and “The Bourne Supremacy” 
all come to mind.  I guess loosing the woman they love makes em’
extra tough.  The body count is also rising in the “Harry Potter” films.
Awww…  C’mon now.  Why so serious ?

Let’s not kill off any more characters we have invested in please.
Besides, I’m old school.  Superheros are supposed to save the girl. 
if they can’t, what good are they ?  Takes the fun out of it…  I hope 
the “Iron Man” sequel doesn’t boast being “darker”.  If that’s the case,
Gwyneth Paltrow is DOOMED !  Now, in comic book movies, no one
ever really seems to stay deceased.  So maybe Rachel will come back ?
She did get her ass blown off, but perhaps she will return as the evil 
“Half-Cheek”.  Or maybe “Burn-Boob”.  Or “Sizzlean”.

*********

Regardless of who lives or dies, this movie really is an achievement of
sorts.  Plus, I just love Batman’s voice…  Listen real close.  He kind of
sounds like a cross between Marlon Brando’s “Godfather” and the little
boy that gets shrunk in the original “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate
Factory”.  You remember Mike Teevee ?  Just a hint of a lisp ?  LOL ! 

Despite having a foul scowl behind his cowl, “The Dark Knight” shines !

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “9″ out of “10″

For The Last Time, This Is Not “Fight Club” !

 ~ Hello Everyone ~
 Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Keeping His Pants On Today:  The Incredible Hulk

~ 

 ~

UGH !  This is just not working… Darn it !  I thought I could write
this new review while wearing my “Hulk Smash Hands”.  Guess not.
Sigh…  Well, at least I can do it while wearing my “Hulk Underoos”.
Granted, they are a little tight, but still fun to wear !!!

Speaking of a “little” tight, what is going on with the Hulk’s pants
anyway?  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I want ‘em
off…  seeing some HUGE CGI gamma ray zapped “cucumber” has 
zero appeal, but what is the secret to those bad boys staying on?

Talking about trousers and stuff is just not my cup of tea.  That’s why
I never reviewed “The Sisterhood of the Ya Ya Pants” (or whatever it
was called).  However, I am a man always seeking knowledge, and if
anyone can give me a logical explanation for this phenomena, I’m ALL
ears.  LOL ! 

Now, “gamma rays” are another mystery altogether, but those little
buggers show up in EVERY “Hulk” incarnation that pops up in movie
theaters, comic books and cartoons.  I wonder if a high SPF sunscreen
would be affective against them ?  Probably not, and I would never be
willing to test it out.  Knowing my luck, MY PANTS would be the first
Hulk pants (in the history of Hulk pants) to rip off.  In front of a
busload of nuns.

These aforementioned gamma rays were featured in the LAST “Hulk”
film (an Incredible FLOP) directed by Lang Wee.  Um…  Wang Less.
Er…  The gay cowboy dude.  You know, he brought us Crotching
Tigers, and such.  Well, his take on our Marvel superstar was less
than well received.  Edward Norton saw this, and said “This movie
sucks, I can do better”.   So here we are. 

Tang Free said the same thing about “Fight Club” to be fair, and
so his answer to that was “Brokeback Mountain”.  Did I finally get
the name right?  “Brokeback Mountain” was a Tang Free film, was
it not ?  Hmmm…

At any rate, we have a brand new “spin” on the big green guy, and it
ain’t half bad !  This version hits the ground running from where the
last one left off…  It really isn’t related to the 2003 flick, but in some
ways, it could be.  We only see a few minutes of back story and then
 BOOM, we are with Bruce Banner (The Hulk’s alter ego) hiding out in 
Brazil.  Banner, of course, is being played by Edward Norton, whose 
portrayal of this introspective character is spot on.  Much like Robert
Downey Jr.’s performance as Tony Stark in “Iron Man”, Norton brings
credibility and balance to “The Incredible Hulk”. 

Bruce is (sad to say) contaminated with some horrible, vile stuff.  But
what do you expect when you drink the water in Brazil ?  Aside from
that, he is also radioactive, and the gamma poisoning residing deep
within his very DNA will turn him into a large nightmarish freak the
moment he gets angry.  Kudos to veteran action film director Louis 
Leterrier, who manages to pull off this grusome transformation
flawlessly !

Lights…  Gamma…  ACTION !

Mr. Banner works at some sort of bottling plant, (under an alias), and
his supervisors start to realize he is too smart for just day labor.  He
refuses promotions however, to keep his guise intact.  Staying low key,
he can live in his humble apartment with his dog and work on finding
a cure for his unusual infliction. 

Things go well until an accident at his job causes the U.S. Military to
find him.  They are the the ones actually behind his ghastly condition,
and they need him back to unlock his secrets.  Turns out, the Army  
wants to build a race of SUPER SOLDIERS (in addition to creating the
next winner of “American Idol”).

 Well, all of this ticks Bruce off, and in no time he turns into the mean,
green butt-whoopin’ machine “The Hulk”.  He manages to thrash a few
soldiers before escaping back to the USA where he must find his long
lost love Betty Ross (Liv Tyler).  I couldn’t stop staring at her lips
during this movie…  Have they always been that big ?  We are talkin’
“Angelina Jolie” big.  Or “Someone slammed a door on her FACE” big. 
OK, so she is dating The Hulk.  I guess that would explain it.  Ha Ha ! 
“Liv and let Liv”.  That’s my motto !

After getting hooked back up with Betty, Bruce tries to find a scientist
(by the name of Mr. Blue) who can help him with his dilemma.  The Army
won’t let up, and they decide to catch Bruce by creating a hulk of their
own. This “Abomination” soon runs amok, and there is no stopping what
has become a Frankenstein experiment FROM HELL.

Get Off My Back Hillary…  I Said “ABOMINATION”
Not “Obama Nation” !  Sheeesh !!! 

Plenty of by the numbers fights ensue, and yes, there were a couple of times
when I felt like I was watching a video game.  But the action goes at such a
thrilling pace, one is inclined to just buy into the illusion and enjoy the ride.

As a matter of fact, the final battle scene was so long and intense, I almost
 needed a cigarette when it was all said and done.  I’ve got to admit, it’s really
fun to watch The Hulk do his thing. (Much more fun than watching The Thing
do his hulk).  But that’s another movie.

A surefire summer hit, this Green Giant is guaranteed
to make you Jolly !

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “8″ out of “10″