Daniel's Critical Corner

January 5, 2010

Daniel’s Critical Corner: You Aught to Be in Pictures !

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 9:30 am
Tags: , ,

Hangover-movie-031.jpg The Hangover picture by criticalcorner1
The Tooth Hurts !

Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Even Dick Clark Says:
You Aught to Be in Pictures !
  
Happy New Year, one and all !!!  It is hard to believe that just ten years
ago we partied like it was 1999.  Those were simpler times.  Sigh…  Goin’
to the movies was such a nice treat…  No cell phones, popcorn was still
under $10.00, Tom Hanks had a career and “Terminator Salvation” didn’t
exist !

 Christian Bale’s high-tech flop aside, we sure had darn good reasons for 
braving the lines at our local cineplex…  2009 has capped off a thrilling
decade of film that proved its resilience in an ever-turbulent world.

Yes, despite Janet Jackson’s boob falling out at the Superbowl, movies
were still there.  Remember when we discovered that McDonald’s made
us fat ?  Our escapism made us feel thin !  Going to see “Sex and the
City” eased the pain…  (Even though we cried silently in the darkened
theater with traces of “Big Mac” still on our whiskers).

When Michael Phelps was getting stoned, we were getting high on life !
(Well, vicariously through film at any rate).  Now, I give you the best of
the best, screw the rest.  Let’s start with the most titillating tales from
this past year !!!  Nope, I’m not talking about Balloon Boy or Madonna’s
tryst with Jesus.

  Ladies and Germs, I proudly present the greatest flicks to grace 2009.

  *****************************************************

 The Blind Side

An eye-opening experience !

 

blinds1.jpg picture by criticalcorner1

Erin Brockovich, Eat Your Heart Out !

 

 *****************************************************

Away We Go

Bohemians can be wonderful (when they aren’t singing) !

 *****************************************************

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

 AKA “Harry Potter and the Nursing Home of Incontinence”.

  *****************************************************

Up in the Air

Hmm…  Sounds like a description of Tiger Woods’ Career !

 ******************************************************

My Bloody Valentine 3D

A personal favorite of mine.

 

mybloodyvalentine_dvd_3d_b1.jpg picture by criticalcorner1

Yet Another Great Pick !

 

  *******************************************************

Inglourious Basterds

A hit on Hitler.

* Is my spell-checker working ?

   ******************************************************

The Hurt Locker

This film is no dud !

  ******************************************************

Star Trek

I really spaced out for a moment…

  ******************************************************

Up

Ed Asner in 3D…  Finally !!!

* They must’ve got my letters.

 

up081.jpg picture by criticalcorner1

Ha Ha !  Now I Know Why They Call You An Old Fart !

 

     ***********************************************************

Avatar

True blue entertainment !!!

    ***********************************************************

 That concludes my top ten !
~ Hold your applause.  Let’s take a gander at 2009′s honorable mentions:

Ponyo ~
~ Confessions of a Shopaholic
9 ~
~ Earth
The Proposal ~
~ Michael Jackson’s This Is It
Paranormal Activity ~
~ The Hangover
Orson Welles and Me ~
~ District 9
Transformers: Revenge of
the Fallen ~
~ Precious

   **********************************************************

Now what you’ve all been waiting for…  The Stinker of the Year:

 

mr_hankey_the_christmas_poo1.jpg Mr. Hankey picture by criticalcorner1

 

The envelope please…  OK, the award goes to…  “Bright Star” !  It
should have been called “Tarnished Turd”.  LAME costume drama.
Avoid such crap at all costs !!!

Dishonorable Mentions:

~ Friday the 13th
Observe and Report ~

*******************************************************

Ah, now for the BIG payoff.  You’ve hung on this far, so I shall treat
  you to a fun list featuring 25 of my favorite movies from the 2000′s. 
Good times…  Savor the flavor !

 

article-0-0136364C000004B0-903_468x.jpg picture by criticalcorner1
Yep, Looks Like This Guy Has Nailed It Once More !!!

 

The Simpsons Movie

Kill Bill: Volume 1

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

Finding Nemo

300

Elizabeth: The Golden Age

Spirited Away

Iron Man

Million Dollar Baby

Gosford Park

Pan’s Labyrinth

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Strangers With Candy

The Dark Knight

Elvira’s Haunted Hills

Meet the Parents

Winged Migration

Pirates of the Caribbean

Serenity

There Will Be Blood

Spider-Man 2

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Frailty

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

The Bourne Ultimatum

******************************************************

 Phew !  Seems like I’ve turned Baby New Year on his ear with this page.
 But I am resolved in 2010 to offend your grandmother to dish out some
 more great reviews on relevant movies  !!!  Thanks for reading !!!

~ ~  ~

Daniel’s Critical Corner:  Always a “10″ out of “10″ !

 

 

October 31, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Revenge of Halloween Favorites”

Filed under: Marcel Marceau — Daniel @ 5:00 pm
Tags: , ,


…Whatever You Do Bob, Don’t Fart  !!!

Hello Everyone !
~ I Bid You Welcome ~
Today’s Sinister Spectacle:  Revenge of
Halloween Favorites

 It is that time of year again !!!  The trees have shed their leaves, so they
now stand bare (with skeletal branches reaching upwards to a moonlit sky).
Soon, your doorbell shall ring, and small open hands will demand an offering
of sweets !

When you turn the porch light off, you’re probably going to want to watch
a fright flick or two…  Please, do check out any one of these supernatural
suggestions, featuring ghouls and ghosts ready to scare the sheet out of
everybody !!!

Saw VI

* Terror with a new “spin”.

Paranormal Activity

* Also known as the David Letterman extortion video.

Misery

* Loves company.

The Satanic Rites of Dracula

* You’ve got the rite one baby, uh-huh  !

Dead Silence

* Marcel Marceau live in concert.

Onibaba

* Ba Ba Ba, Barbara Ann !

Orphan

* The sun won’t come out tomorrow.

~

 
Dawn of the Red

~

Pet Sematary 

* Where “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” ended up.

Monster House

* No, it’s not a reality show…

The Invisible Man

* Starring Joe Biden.

The Witches of Eastwick

* Also known as “The View”.

Frogs

* There are many ways to croak.

 Repo! The Genetic Opera

* Isn’t that where Susan Boyle got her start ?

The Fall of the House of Usher

* This recession is murder.

Trick ‘r Treat

* Smell my feet !

Hush… Hush, Sweet Charlotte

* We can all hear your cell phone conversation.

House of Wax

* The true story behind Joan River’s face.


 Muah Ha Ha Ha…

 

FeardotCom

* Also known as CriticalcornerdotNet.

Burnt Offerings

* Rachael Ray’s new cooking gig.

The House That Dripped Blood

* Better call a plumber !

White Noise

* Eminem’s last album.

Dr. Phibes Rises Again

* Thanks to Viagra.

Urban Legends: Bloody Mary

* I prefer a screwdriver myself.

Drag Me to Hell

* Just don’t drag me to see “Hello Dolly!”

Curtains

* With this we draw to a close…

~

Happy Halloween from Daniel’s Critical Corner.
Always a “10″ out of “10″ !!!

 

October 20, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Where the Wild Things Are”

Filed under: Film,Reviews,Spike Jonze — Daniel @ 10:00 pm
Tags: , ,

where_the_wild_things1[1] by you.
Sarah McLachlan (Right) Getting A Hug At “Lilith Fair”

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s Shaggy Schlock:  Where the Wild Things Are

This Halloween season, I’m sure many fine people are going to be wondering
exactly “Where the Wild Things Are”.  Some will take solace in the fact that
they are not all in David Letterman’s dressing room…  Folks can actually find
beasties galore lurking throughout Spike Jonze’s new adaption of the classic
children’s book penned by Maurice Sendak !

At times, this dark flick feels like it was really penned by Jacqueline Susann
(Valley of the Dolls) or Sylvia Plath (The Bell Jar).  This “kid’s” story sure as
bloody HELL did not translate into a kid’s movie…  It’s a PG version of “The
Omen” laced with moments reflecting “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”. I
couldn’t tell if I was watching “The Bad Seed” or “Born Free” !

Our “hero” is some brat named Max.  I disliked this young man about three
minutes or so into the film… For starters, he has some strong anger issues
and his mother dresses him funny.  Little Mad Max is the kind of character
you really want to see get beat up on the playground !  He is not wearing
any jet-black eyeliner yet, but he’s one “Hot Topic” shopping spree away
from becoming EMO !!!

Granted, Max does have a hard life for a child…  We never see him playing
 video games (abnormal) and he doesn’t even seem to own an iPod !!!  This
forces him to build snow forts, play with sticks and use his imagination.  If
I saw my son out in the street playing with a stick, I would just hand his
lunch money to bullies myself.  Sticks are soooo 1952.

Part of the problem stems from his parents being divorced.  Or maybe they
are separated…  I’m not sure.  Whatever the circumstance, Max has ended
 up living with his mom and sister.  One fateful night, this kid sees his mama 
getting groped by some dorky dude on the sofa…

Max freaks out…  But that’s what happens when bodies start slappin’ (from
doin’ the Wild Thing).  She wanna do the Wild Thing !!!  Please, baby baby
please !

 

Tone+Loc[1] by you.
Hangin’ Out Is Always
Hype !

 

Max’s mom and “date” are angry that the boy has ruined their good time…
The traumatized tot tears up the house while his mother attempts to find
  some Prozac (to no avail) !  He proceeds to bite his mommy and then runs 
out into the street, dressed as a squirrel and howling like a banshee.

What happens next is magical…  Sort of.  Cujo Max runs to a waterfront
area where he gets into a boat and sales off to an enchanted world !  In
tragic reality, this twit is having a big medication withdrawal and foaming
at the mouth while laying semi-conscious on a dirty beach.

  His dark, inner demons spring to life in a fantastical fashion !!!  We meet  
odd creatures resembling the “Sid and Marty Krofft” puppets (after being
coated with glue and tossed in a giant pile of Natalie Merchant’s leg-hair
shavings).  This is of course, assuming that Merchant indeed shaves her
legs.

 

504x_wherewildthings[1] by you.
^ Another Avant-Garde “Burger King” Commercial

 

 I mention Natalie Merchant only because of the style of this film’s soundtrack.
It’s kind of folky, but not good old-fashioned granola folky.  It’s like screaming
angry-hippie bongo animal folk !  Folking ridiculous if you ask me…  If I wanted
to be entertained by slightly miffed bohemians, I would watch “Rent”.

Anyway, Max starts to hang out with these large, wild monsters.  All of them
have major problems (but cute names) !!!  Carol (voiced by James Gandolfini)
is the leader of the pack, and he likes to break things…  His girlfriend has left
him (KW, voiced by Lauren Ambrose) so he’s totally bummed out.

Assorted fuzzy (and feathered) friends help Max become king, and Max uses
everything in his power to cheer Carol up !!!  Carol eventually comes around,
but not before ripping someone’s arm off.

At times, “Where the Wild Things Are” reminded me of “Jon & Kate Plus 8″.
Horrible hair, depressing adult situations, assorted goblins running around
and loads of shrieking.  Sad in a way…  Yet not a total loss.  Despite being
far removed from the vibe the book put out, this flick is artfully done.

 

wildthings27crop[1] by you.
How Do You Work This Confounded Camera ?

 

 Beautiful imagery and nice special effects abound.  But the plot’s much too
heavy-handed, and the resolution of everyone’s issues is muddled.  OK, so
the director did something bold and daring.  Kudos to him !  He embellished
on a story we all know and love… (I’m glad he avoided doing Dr. Seuss and
others).

Can you imagine ?  “Horton Hears a Who!” (because of the hallucinogens).
Or, “Clifford the Big Red Dog” (gets taken behind the shed) !!!  How about
 adorable “Curious George” (and the intriguing electrical outlet) ?!!  Perhaps 
the already morose “Velveteen Rabbit” (in a “Fatal Attraction” remake).

Fact is, it’s pretty easy (and in vogue these days) to turn something fun
and lighthearted into a tragedy.  I’d give a cookie to someone who could
do the opposite !  Maybe transform Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Raven” into a
sweet, heartwarming tale of happiness and hope…

 Ha !!!  When I first heard about this project, for some reason I thought 
it was being directed by “Spike Lee” !  Now there’s a movie worth seeing
at any cost.  “Do the Right Wild Thing” ! 

 I’m sure it would have been more entertaining than this incarnation…  Not
 a good film,  not a bad film.  Just an adequate study regarding the effects
of steroids on Teletubbies.

  “Where the Wild Things Are” is full of sound and furry, signifying nothing.

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “6″ out of “10″

 

 

July 26, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”

Filed under: Reviews — Daniel @ 8:00 pm
Tags: , ,

harrypotter6pic47[1] by you.
Harry, Do These “Horse Fancy” Magazines Belong To You ?

Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Today’s Spellbinding Tale:  Harry Potter and the
Half-Blood Prince

Everybody’s favorite boy wizard is back, working his movie magic once more in
what can only be called a breathtaking extravaganza !!!  Hmmm…  Wait just a
moment.  Can I still call this dude a “boy” wizard ?  That’s like referring to Don
Rickles as a “boy” comedian !  Or calling Joe Biden a “boy” vice president…  At
any rate, “Harry Potter” has returned (albeit a little long in the tooth).

Speaking of long in the tooth… What on Earth has happened to Maggie Smith ?
She again plays the Professor of Transfiguration “Minerva McGonagall”, who we
first met as an old, shaggy pussy of sorts.  (Remember her taking the shape of
 a feline in “The Sorcerer’s Stone”) ?  Now it appears as if she is trying to pass 
some stones after morphing herself into Bette Davis from “Hush… Hush, Sweet
Charlotte”.  This geriatric gal’s a grumpy psycho !!!

When Prof. McGonagall graces appears on the screen in “Harry Potter and the
Half-Blood Prince”, I audibly said “Oh, My GOD !”, as little kids in the audience
started shrieking…  And then, they have the audacity to give this film a “PG”
rating.  Whatever.  LOL !!!  If she would smile once in a blue moon, she would
not look so Hagrid.

Headmaster “Dumbledore” arguably doesn’t look much better.  He kicks off our
flick by flying Harry around the town like the “Ghost of Christmas Past”, telling
the fledgling wizard to hang on to his cloak.  Dumbledore’s hand appears to be
 horribly mangled, and we soon learn why…  He bopped Perez Hilton upside the 
noggin after the gossip queen outed him earlier this year !

Our elderly heroes still manage to totally rock though, and I love ‘em for it !
They again join forces with Harry and the gang, and despite their advanced
age, everyone is still filled with adventure.  Watching these child stars grow
up has been a real treat !!!

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Mickey by you.
Mickey Rooney as “Harry Potter”

 

Shirley by you.
Shirley Temple as “Hermione Granger”

 

Danny by you.
Danny Bonaduce as “Ron Weasley”

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

To those of you still untouched by Harry Potter (I was going to put a Michael
Jackson joke in there, but it’s probably too soon) Harry’s a young wizard who
goes to school at an enchanted place called “Hogwarts”.

This campus is a beautiful, whimsical castle where portraits come to life and
fairies dance in the garden !!!  At least that’s what the brochure says.  Truth
be told, I would NEVER let my kids go there…  It’s basically the portal to hell.
But with staff trained in the art of the “liability waiver”, no one really cares !

Samuel L. Jackson did.  Once.  However he was quieted with a “Shuthimupo”
potion.  Sam had burst into a parent/teacher conference screaming, “There
Are Mother F**king Snakes In This Mother F**king School !”  (The teachers
 then drugged him and tossed him on a plane next to a strange package).

With danger (and dead students) around every turn, it’s a small miracle that
Harry Potter hasn’t gone stark raving MAD !!!  If this were real life, the poor
kid would have some heavy issues.  Aside from dressing like Marilyn Manson
and becoming a fan of “Twilight”, he would most likely start smokin’ grass.

 Yep.  Grass !!!  The Devil’s Lettuce !  He’d get high to escape the horrors in 
his life.  We would be treated to flicks such as “Harry Pothead and the Bong
of Bewitchment”, or perhaps “Harry Pothead and the Half-Baked Prince”.  He
would inevitably land in prison.  Then we would have a TV series called “The
Wizard of Oz” !

Anyway, foul deeds are afoot as the dreaded “Voldemort” sends out his scary
minions to supplant Dumbledore and company (with an agenda most sinister).
After killing Harry’s parents years ago, moldy Voldy now wants him dead too !
What a creep…

Villains like to recruit bullies, so Voldemort finds a sucker in vile young “Draco
Malfoy”.  Draco is one of Potter’s schoolmates, and he’s always been jealous
of him.  But jealous of what ?  Potter hangs out with hideous trolls and some
old fellow in a dress (not to mention he’s got a HUGE red scar on his head) !
Maybe he is envious of his sporty wardrobe ?

 

harrypotter6pic4[1] by you.
Abra…  Abrac…  Abercrombie !!!

 

Gandalf Dumbledore and his protege have to embark on some sort of journey
that will involve finding a piece of cheap jewelry, in hopes of using it to stop
the dark forces plotting their demise.  After hittin’ all of the pawn shops and
several garage sales, the guys are about to give up empty-handed…

Luck does eventually shine down on our pals, when a parched Dumbledore
sucks all of the water out of an ornate birdbath.  He almost pukes, but the
tawdry bauble they have been hunting for is at the bottom !!!  Next time, I
would suggest “eBay” !

In addition to finding this treasure, Potter has to stay on his guard with an
odd educator who came out of retirement recently…  He wants to “Collect”
Harry.  (So that’s what they’re calling it now) !

To make matters worse, Harry is falling for Ron’s little sister “Ginny”.  And
Hermione is starting to fall in love with Ron !  (Ginny states that it’s about
  time, and I’m inclined to agree)…  They hit puberty back in 1942, so things 
are loooong overdue.  

 Rounding out our colorful cauldron of characters, we have “Luna Lovegood” 
(a rather quirky breath of fresh air) and the mysterious “Severus Snape” !
The cracked-out Stevie Nicks wannabe “Bellatrix Lestrange” also returns for
 good measure, played yet again with fiendish glee by Helena Bonham Carter.

Truly a joy to behold, J.K. Rowling’s imagination is brought to vivid life once
 more in glorious fashion…  “Harry Potter” done with an art house sensibility.
(Sometimes awash with vibrant hues, and at other times reflecting a silent
film with grainy sepia tones) !

Credit must be given not only to director David Yates, but to his brilliantly
evolved cast.  The only fault this movie has is that it’s nothing more than
a bridge (connecting books five and seven).  Aesthetically very appealing
but lacking clear resolutions…  However, there is hope hidden deep within
the shadows, promising to one day answer all of our questions.

I did love “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”, Hogwarts and all !!!

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “8.5″ out of “10″

 

 

 

July 4, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”

Filed under: Reviews — Daniel @ 3:58 pm
Tags: , ,

 megan-fox-transformers-2[1] by you.
I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up !

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s Autobotography:  Transformers: Revenge
of the Fallen

  The sizzilin’ summer of 2009 continues to plow full speed ahead with  
“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” tearing up the theaters !!!  It
 is “Indiana Jones” meets “The Fast and the Furious” !  And (in some
  places) it is rather along the lines of “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” meets 
the “Paris Hilton Sex Tape” !

Shocking but true.  Yes, here at “Critical Corner” that sort of thing
qualifies as quality entertainment !  For some odd reason, this new
“Transformers” installment features not one, but TWO dog humping
 scenes !  Oh, Michael Bay.  How you can delight and horrify at the
same time amazes me.

 I haven’t seen anything quite like this since the DVD of “Underdog:
 Unrated and Unleashed” came out !!!  Even before that, there was
  “Cujo: The Caligula Cut”.  These pooches really need to get a room.
  May I suggest “Hotel for Dogs” ?

 A sequel to 2007′s hugely successful “Transformers”, “ROTF” brings
 back all of our favorite robots !  Hmmm…  Let me see…  I dig these
 movies but I can’t remember every single name.  Heck, let’s give it
  a try !  There’s Dynamo and Megabot.  Um…  We have Supertramp 
 and Doppelganger…  Also Nickleback !!!  Isn’t there a Lion-O !?  My
 favorite is Star Search.  LOL ! 

   Once again, these characters (more or less) join forces with Megan 
   Fox and Shila Boof (or whatever his name is) in yet another grand 
   adventure.  This time around, our heroes have to battle an ancient 
  evil !!!  It just so happens that the Decepticons (bad robots) have
  been hiding out on Earth for centuries, waiting to wreak havoc on 
   the unsuspecting planet… 

 Sneaky buggers.  No wonder they are called “Decepticons”.  They
 even beat up on some innocent cave-dudes…  It almost made me
 feel bad for bashing “10,000 B. C.” !!!  Anyway…  These malicious
 machines are running amok, and there’s only one power that can
 stop them…  The Autobots !!!  To the uninitiated, the “Autobots”
  are good robots that transform into cars and other vehicles.

 

 ironhide[1] by you.

 Phew…  I’ve Got Some Bad Gas !

  

 * Warning:  If you are not enthralled yet, you probably should just 
    stop reading this…  Go watch “The Queen” and sip on some tea !!!    
 (I will admit, Helen Mirren earned the hell out of that Oscar).

  Leading the Autobots is one mean Mother Trucker they call “Optimus
  Prime” (voiced by Peter Cullen) !  He is just a tad worried because his
  arch-enemy “Megatron” has been pulled from his watery grave by the
  deplorable Decepticons and resurrected.  While doing so, they had to
  remove an octopus from his face !  Wait…  Maybe I’m thinking of that
“Paris Hilton” tape again.

    Prime starts to sweat diesel when he discovers Megatron is in cahoots
    with “The Fallen”, a metallic monster that wants to devour our sun !
     Talk about heartburn.  All of the “Pepto” in the universe couldn’t even 
begin to touch that.

     Meanwhile, back in the human’s world, Shila Boof plays Sam Witwickey
      (no, that is not a “Harry Potter” character).  He is way bummed to find 
      his brand new life at college interrupted by villains taking the shape of 
      assorted appliances and modes of transportation.  Sam’s also feeling a 
     little blue due to the fact that his girlfriend Mikaela (foxy Fox) is miles
 away.

      So what’s a guy to do ?  Experiment of course !  He hooks up with a 
      random chick packing “more than meets the eye” !!!  Yep.  Sam acts 
      shocked when the truth comes out…  “She” is actually an evil robot 
    with a long snakelike tongue (or something) that chases him around
     the campus.  Guess that’s what you call a “Transgender” !!!  “Rocky
    Horror” in disguise !!!  Surprisingly, no one throws up.

 

      TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN by you.
     Don’t Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was A Bot Like Me ?

 

   Adding to this total insanity are Sam’s parents, crashing the scene “Old
   School” style.  His dad is just a big kid, and his mom accidentally ingests
   some pot and starts hitting on young studs !

     But before these hijinks can continue, our gang is whisked away to Egypt
    (of all places) to fight a giant vacuum cleaner.  Sam’s hand ends up being
      bandaged…  Yet they never really say why.  We are just led to believe he 
      was injured while en route to the Great Pyramids.  I don’t buy it.  In truth,
   he was probably bitten by Christian Bale !

      Against a harsh desert landscape, the Decepticons prepare to unveil their
        dastardly secret weapon.  Fortunately, Sam is packing a “secret weapon”  
      of his own…  A sockful of magic fairy dust !!!  I’m not exactly sure why it 
    works, but it does.  Maybe the Decepticons are allergic to it ?

       Major butt-kicking ensues after Optimus shows up with the Autobots and  
     the US Military.  There is one scene where it appears that Prime is dead…
       Several military guys run frantically towards his now lifeless hull, all whilst 
       someone brandishing a gun is screaming “Cover Optimus!”  (They proceed 
    to throw a blanket over him).  Classic !!!

      Plenty of blood and oil is spilled as gargantuan contraptions smack each
       other down in front of the Sphinx.  The Autobots eventually exhaust most
      of their possibilities, but they plod forward fueled by a vision of justice !!!

       When this film ended, I was just staring off into space, drooling.  Perhaps
       I went to “Robot Heaven”, a place Sam has the honor of visiting.  Let me
        honestly tell you, “ROTF” doesn’t make one lick of sense.  They should’ve 
      called it “ROFL”.  Nonetheless, it still manages to be ten tons of FUN.

        To be fair, movies like “No Country For Old Men” do not make much sense 
        when all is said and done either…  The Coen Brothers forgot to give that 
        little cinematic experiment an ending !  It was lauded as brilliant because 
        everything was left up for “interpretation”.  “Transformers” also leaves a 
       few questions unanswered,  but it somehow managed to get a gruesome
      public drubbing…  Go figure.   
                             
        Despite the poor reception, audiences across the globe seem to be taken
        by the film’s undeniable charm, myself included !  OK.  The plot is nothing
        worth writing home about.  But who cares ?  This flick boasts spellbinding
       special effects, a memorable cast and an abundance of witty dialog…  If
          possible, try not to focus on the junk in the trunk !

          Blemishes aside, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” never falls flat !!!

         ~

        Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

          Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “7″ out of “10″ 

 

 

May 26, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Terminator Salvation”

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 8:09 am
Tags: , ,

terminator_salvation_christian_bale_machine[1] by you.
I Wonder If I Could Use This Thing In The “Batcave” ?

 ~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Getting Blasted Today:  Terminator Salvation

If this is “Terminator’s” Salvation, I’d hate to see what we are saving it
  from.  An action packed film, yes…  But nothing more.  We’re taking our  
fourth stroll down “Terminator” lane, with a new offering that is missing
a few key elements.  No, I’m not talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger !

What “Terminator Salvation” happens to be lacking is a sensible plot…  
And character development !!!  Not to mention anything that resembles
   continuity.  Hmmm…  I might be wrong there.  It is continuously awful.  

 I found myself wondering why everyone in the post-apocalyptic future 
 always has to have a smudge of dirt on their face…  I also let my mind 
 wander and thought about “Star Trek” a lot.  Then I’d be distracted by
a loud BOOM and forced to look back up at the screen.

From the start, this movie is just weird…  We kick things off by meeting
  Marcus Wright (played by Sam Worthington).  The year is 2003 and he’s 
a prisoner on death row, sentenced to die by lethal injection.  After his 
execution (and a couple of poorly executed lines as well) we are thrust
 into the future !  Not a fun, bright future mind you, but a future devoid  
of decent acting and washcloths.

Marcus wakes up in this strange world, surprised to be alive.  He is nude 
and caked from head to toe in mud.  He then goes streaking through the 
rain, screaming.  A word to the wise:  If you are wearing nothin’ but mud
don’t run in the rain.  Embarrassment is inevitable.

 

terminator-salvation-robots[2] by you.

More Than Meets The…  Aye Yi Yi !

 

He manages to find some clothes, but soon after he’s jumped by one of the
robots from “Transformers”.  Marcus is almost killed but saved in the nick of
 time by a teenage boy and some kid dressed like “Janet Jackson”.  It’s over 
a meal of leftover coyote that Marcus learns the fate of Earth.

Many years ago, a renegade spam program became self-aware and gained
control of the planet.  This program sees humans as a threat and has built
 robots to kill them all.  The first sign of the takeover was when “Kris Allen” 
won “American Idol”…  “Paula Abdul” tried to warn the masses, but people
   just laughed.  Turns out Kris was an early version of a “Terminator” !!!  No   
one noticed the small malfunction that caused him to sing out of the side 
of his face.

Marcus is horrified, and wants to join the human resistance.  He must find
the legendary “John Connor” to do so.  Many adventures follow as he plods
 through one CGI effect after the other…  He stumbles across a woman who 
seems to have raided “Tina Turner’s” wardrobe closet from the set of “Mad
Max Beyond Thunderdome”, and she offers him some funny looking food !!! 
(Even funnier looking than dead coyote).

 They are all ambushed, and it is not long before Marcus meets John Connor
(played by Christian Bale) the hard way.  After being knocked out, he finds
himself regaining consciousness in a precarious position.  He has been tied
  up !!!  John is interrogating Marcus, and Marcus is worried.  I would be too.
 Can you imagine being tied up by the guy who played in “American Psycho”
AND “The Dark Knight” ?  GULP !!!  Christian Bale is #1 on the list of people
I would least want to be tied up by…  Here are a few others:

 

Kathy Bates by you.
Your Reviews Are Cockadoodie ! 

 

~ ~ ~

Top Ten List Of People I Would Least Want To Be Tied Up By

(#1)  Christian Bale 

(#2)  Christopher Walken  (#3)  Boy George

(#4)  Nancy Pelosi  (#5)  Steven Seagal  (#6)  Tonya Harding

(#7)  Kathy Bates  (#8)  Flava Flav  (#9)  Betty White 

(#10)  Charo

~ ~ ~

 Anyway, Marcus discovers that he is part “machine”…  He was created by
 the creepy Borg Collective (or whatever the heck they call themselves) to
 bother the humans.  Which is fair, because the humans are pretty lame !!!

The human resistance is comprised of people that run around with looks of 
constipation consternation on their faces at any given moment.  The worst
   is this random pregnant woman who seems to have a connection to Connor. 
  She really tries to channel “Frodo” from “The Lord of the Rings” !!!  There’s 
 always some dramatic look plastered on her mug, presented in slow motion.

These people are sooo BORING.  “Common” is on board playing some dude
named …  Oh, who cares.  All he does is run around saying “You killed my
brother”.  And Christian Bale just whispers and lisps !  I let it slide when
   he was “Batman”, but now it is annoying…  If Bale has “jumped the shark”  
  with this dud of a film, at least he can find work as a phone sex operator.

His voice IS better suited to ask “What are you wearing?” as opposed to
“Do you want to join the resistanttth?”  Say it, don’t spray it buddy.  I’m
 thankful this movie wasn’t in 3-D.  Everybody would have been thoaked ! 
Er… Soaked.  Salvation ?  More like “Saliva Nation”.

 

Bale2 by you.

The Hoarse Man Of The Apocalypse

 

 Warning:  Thpoilers Ahead !  Marcus and John HATE each other right out 
  of the gate.  Marcus is more man than mechanism however, so he wants to 
 defeat the Terminators…  Together they must infiltrate the bad guys’ home
 base, but nothing could prepare them (or me) for what those rotten robots
have to bring.

First off, there’s the bizarre computer-generated naked cameo of Arnold
Schwarzenegger.  Sorry Terminator fans, it’s come to this.  He pops out
(quite literally) of a room, runs around naked for about 60 seconds and
then catches on fire…  WOW.  Great homage to the classic films there ! 
Way to go…  Director “McG” should be proud.

Hold on…  it gets better.  Our heroes have to face down a monstrous
villain.  Who or what could it be ?  A giant robot ?  Perhaps a madman
with android innards ?  The evil they must face down is…  Wait for it…
Wait for it…  

The Disembodied Floating Head of “Helena Bonham Carter” !!! 
  Or something like that.  Ha Ha !  Yep.  Her naughty noggin shows up  
 to be a total nuisance to the human resistance.  I wanted to laugh ! 
 Marcus discovers “The Head of Helena Bonham Carter” floating on a 
 gigantic computer screen of sorts.  (Think “The Wizard of Oz” meets
“Max Headroom”)…   She starts talking smack, so he finishes her off
with a piece of office furniture. 

 The film really goes downhill from there.  I’m not going to tell you how
 it all ends !  (No, shutting the talking head up isn’t the finale).  There
will be a sequel, as the spam that calls itself  “Skynet” seems to still
  be plugged in while it plugs on.  Joy !  I often felt like I was watching 
 a “Uwe Boll” production.  Probably would have been better if it was.

This is more of a “Terminator” parody than anything !!!  (If you look
 real close in a fleeting scene, you can see one of the robots wearing
 what appears to be a “pirate scarf” on its head)…  Occasional giggles
  aside, the movie does serve well as yet another effects-laden thriller.
Unfortunately, sans anything resembling substance.

  

  Judgment:  The future looks very bleak for “Terminator Salvation”. 

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “5″ out of “10″

 

 

May 12, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Star Trek”

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 6:03 pm
Tags: , , ,

star_trek_chokes[1] by you.
Noooooo !!!!!

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
On The Captain’s Log Today:  Star Trek

I know that you are all going to think I’m just jumping on the bandwagon,
but I really want to become an actual “Trekkie”.  No, the new “Star Trek”
film has not inspired me to do so.  This is a fantasy I have had for many, 
many years.

There is a method to my madness.  Yes, I HAVE been a fan of “Star Trek”
for about as long as I can remember…  But I’ve got a goal that has yet to
be realized.  I wanna go to a Star Trek convention wearing “Vulcan ears”.
At this convention, I hope to find William Shatner (AKA Captain Kirk) !

Once I see good ol’ Bill, I shall follow him around.  Why ?  Because sooner
or later, he’s going to drop something.  It’s inevitable.  We all do.  Maybe
it will be his pen…  Or perhaps a cup…  Maybe even a quarter. 

When he bends over to pick up whatever it is he has dropped, I’m going
to pop out and loudly say:  “Space… The Final Frontier” !!!  Ha Ha Ha !

 Sigh…  I can dream, can’t I ?  If that isn’t enough reason to become a
Trekkie, I don’t know what is.  Something tells me the latest Star Trek
offering will bring some new fans to the fold, and it should give all the
die-hards reason to feel born-again !!!

What we have here is a “reboot” of sorts…  A reboot that (finally) keeps
the heart and soul of the original source material !  Kudos to J.J. Abrams
for realizing what made “Star Trek” so special in the first place. He helms
this movie with grace and treads lightly on sacred ground.  Much to my
delight, the result is nothing short of a science fiction masterpiece.

Don’t get me wrong.  I still cherish all of the old “Trek” movies !  I loved
it when everyone went to “SeaWorld”.  And who can forget Kirk fighting
that evil soul singer in “The Wrath of Chaka Khan” ?  Of course, there is
“The Search For Spock”.  I never understood that one.  Why didn’t they
just Google him ?

 

3046977289_2f4eed0b05[1].jpg_v=0 by you.
I’ll Stop The World And Meld With You !

 

  In this refreshingly new installment, the tables have turned and it is now 
Spock who is on the hunt !!! Leonard Nimoy returns as the (aging) Vulcan
ambassador “In Search Of” his youth.

While buzzing about the galaxy (in the coolest spaceship ever) Spock
is schlucked away to the PAST by a black hole…  The aforementioned
schluckage creates an “alternate reality”.  A strange new world where
people are actually sexy !

Warning:  When you add sexy to the continuity of ANYTHING, there
are going to be cataclysmic, history-changing results.  So our logical
friend has his hands full trying to rectify the situation…  Also causing
trouble are some nasty Romulans (coming from the future as well).

 Spock enlists the aid of his good friend James T. Kirk, who’s now much
younger…  Young Kirk (played by Chris Pine) has some issues to work
out though, and is indeed a challenge.  He channels James Dean as a
true rebel without a cause.

In this universe, Kirk never knew his father and is running amok on
Earth until the prestigious “Federation Starfleet” sees his potential.
Hesitant at first, this crazed kid soon joins the Starfleet Academy,
only to end up on the just-built “Starship Enterprise”.

 

Kirk and McCoy by you.
I Knew I Should’ve Taken That Left Turn At
Albuquerque !

 

Here we meet (all over again) the crew we know and love.  Scotty,
Sulu, Chekov, Uhura, Dr. McCoy and young Mr. Spock !!!  Mr. Spock
has some anger management issues, to say the least.  He is always
whaling on someone !!!  (Sounds like I am talking about “Star Trek
IV” again, doesn’t it) ?

He beats up on other Vulcans, and at one point he even pounds the
captain !  Um… Moving on…  Anyway, at first young Spock (Zachary
 Quinto) and young Kirk despise each other.  But these fellows soon 
realize that they are way better off as pals in order to stop Romulan
bad-guy “Nero”.

Nero (an unrecognizable Eric Bana) is out for revenge against the
 old Spock, probably because he had watched “The Final Frontier” !
C’mon…  It wasn’t that bad.  Nonetheless, he is going to make our
hero suffer, and destroy anything that gets in his way.

The Enterprise soon rises to the challenge… And starts to kick some
time-traveling butt.  The special effects are extraordinary, and I got
goosebumps every time they went into “warp speed”.  A feeling that
reminded me of watching the show as a kid !!!  My first recollection
of “Star Trek” was viewing it (as a rerun) in the 1970′s…  It was on
after the news Sunday nights !

 This movie is cool.  Like a tall glass of Altair Water.  We have Mr.
Sulu whipping out a sword.  Kirk listens to “Beastie Boys”.  Majel
Roddenberry (Nurse Chapel in the 60′s series) provides the voice
 of the ship’s computer. And, to top it all off, Winona Ryder plays
 Spock’s Mom.  WOW !

“Star Trek’s” 2009 ensemble cast does a fine job interpreting our
beloved Enterprise crew… All while adding a few fresh twists of
their own !  I am going to open my “hailing” frequencies and tell
the planet about this movie’s stellar appeal !!!

At last, a film that will cure what “Romulan Ales” you !  A bright 
blockbuster sure to leave you stunned !!!  After watching this, I
felt nothing could phase me !  I’m still beaming…

“Star Trek” is Spocktacular fun !  Boldly go see it today !!!  

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “10″ out of “10″

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Christine+Chapel[1] by you.
Hair No Man Has Gone Before…

 

This review is dedicated to Majel Barrett-Roddenberry.  Wife of
“Star Trek” creator Gene Roddenberry.  She played my favorite
character in the original series, “Nurse Christine Chapel” !  She
was promoted to Doctor when the first flick came out…  Majel
 (as mentioned above) is the voice of the computer in this new
film and many other “Trek” offerings. 

Majel Barrett-Roddenberry 

Stardate: 1932-2008

We miss you !

~

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  

April 19, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Repo! The Genetic Opera”

Filed under: DVD,Reviews — Daniel @ 4:01 pm
Tags: , , ,

Repo03[1] by you.
The Eyes Have It !

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Under The Knife Today:  Repo! The Genetic Opera

For those of you not familiar with the cult classic “The Rocky Horror
Picture Show”, there are a couple of things you should know.  Never
tell anyone you are a virgin if you find yourself watching a Midnight
 showing, and be sure to bring some paper towels and toast (to toss 
at the movie screen).

In regards to the new cult classic in-the-making, “Repo! The Genetic
Opera”, you may want to bring paper towels but the only thing that 
will be tossed is your cookies.

I didn’t know what to expect while watching this little underground
gem.  A goth rock-opera of all things.  Go figure.  It seemed to me 
the only people that would ever dig this sort of vulgar venue would
 be angry young chicks with jet-black hair and lipstick to match !!!

Despite being an affront to my delicate sensibilities, I actually got
a kick out of this gross flick.  (Only after channeling my own inner
goth chick).  Her name is Ragea.  She wears spiked collars and will
NEVER like you because you smell like flowers.

I digress.  Big time.  So, our story takes place in the future, (2056
to be exact) !  The world has fallen victim to an outbreak of organ
failures, and people are dropping like flies.  Desperate times do call
for desperate measures, and entrepreneur Rotti Largo comes in to
save the day…  For a price.

Rotti (Paul Sorvino) is the CEO of a genetic “second hand” shop,
where you can actually buy second hands…  You can also throw
in a lung or two for good measure !   Heck, grab yourself a new 
designer liver while you’re at it. 

This hellish company calls itself  “GeneCo”, but they are really a 
mafia organization with anything but good intentions.  It seems
like a good idea at first, but if someone misses just one payment
 on their new body part, the Repo Man comes to collect.  No, he
is not after the money…

The Repo Man (played here by “Little Britain’s” Anthony Head) is
going to rip your still-beating heart right out of your body, and
then he is going to use your corpse as a puppet.  While singing
a couple of songs…  And dancing a little bit as well !

Yes, this is a musical with GUTS.  I always felt that “The Texas
Chainsaw Massacre” would have been just delightful if they had
added some Broadway flair…  And, truth be told, wouldn’t “The
Sound of Music” have been more entertaining if Julie Andrews
 got her leg caught in a bear trap after spinning around on that 
 hillside ?  The hills are alive…  With the sound of screaming !

 

Sound+of+Music[2] by you.
The Hills Are…  SNAP  …AYEEEE ! 

 

 Hmmm…  What about Doris Day actually shooting someone in
“Calamity Jane” ?  Or Tevye falling off the roof with his fiddle
and landing on a bed of nails ?  The possibilities are endless.

Exploring possibilities is exactly what “Repo!” does…  We are
introduced to the Repo Man’s daughter, Shilo (Alexa Vega), a
young lady with a mysterious blood disease, that may or may
not have been contracted accidentally.  It is possible she got
sick from her mother, who we later learn died from unnatural
causes !

Shilo is locked in her room most of her life, kept there by her
father (who she thinks is a respected doctor).  She does not
know that he hunts people down and kills them…  She is also
unaware of his amazing singing chops.  Shilo has quite a set
of pipes herself as she belts out angst-filled tunes such as
  “Infected” and “Seventeen” (the latter featuring Joan Jett) !

In addition to Joan Jett, the legendary Sarah Brightman is on
board to give this flick some mad creds.  She plays an opera
singer named “Blind Mag”…  A woman with a debt to GeneCo
signed in blood for her totally trippy digital eyes !  Shilo has
always worshipped Mag from afar, and fate ends up bringing
them together as they join forces against the evil Rotti.

Rotti wants to destroy all of our anti-heroes, but he actually
cares for Shilo in a distorted kind of way…  His children are a
pack of self-absorbed losers.  Upon hearing that he does not
have long to live, he puts Shilo to the test as a possible heir
to his legacy.

Truly a horrific bunch, Rotti Largo’s progeny want nothing but 
gold, fame and drugs. This is evident in the strangely catchy
“Mark It Up” number, where the two brothers vie for dominant
positions in the company while their sister looks on.

The fellows are Luigi and Pavi, (both sociopaths) and the girl is
Amber Sweet…  Amber is portrayed rather sympathetically by a
  vamped-out Paris Hilton !  Selfish at first, she is the only one in 
  this group that shows empathy or remorse for her mean actions
when the curtain falls.

 

341128681_m4Djg-M.0.0.0x0.432x347[1] by you.
I See Paris.  I See France.  I See Leather
Underpants !!!

 

  Trouble with Amber is, she is addicted to many terrible things…
  She loves getting multiple surgeries, just for the thrill of it.  And
she is hooked on a blue liquid drug called Zydrate.

~
~
~ ~  ~  ~ ~
~
~
~
~

To better explain, here’s part of the song “Zydrate Anatomy”
(as sung by Graverobber and The Zydrate Support Group).

Zydrate comes in a little glass vile…  And the little glass vile
goes into the gun like a battery.  And the Zydrate gun goes
somewhere against your anatomy.  And when the gun goes
off, it sparks, and you’re ready for surgery.  Surgery…

It’s clean.

It’s clear.

It’s pure.

It’s rare.

It takes you there.

~  ~  ~  ~ ~

 

 All of this becomes BIG trouble for Amber, when she looses
face in front of everyone.  Literally.  Her face falls off and
 hits the ground.  (Not really much of a stretch for Hilton) !

Indeed, everything is leading us up to a Grand Guignol style 
finale.  One that makes even “Sweeney Todd” look like a fun
 and comical romp !!!  All of the players wind up on stage for
GeneCo’s annual “Genetic Opera”, where Blind Mag is slated
to perform her last song ever, “Chromaggia”.

Her retirement gets started a tad bit early, however, when
 a harness she uses to fly across the stage breaks over the 
set.  She plummets down and gets impaled on a gate… 
 

Sarah Brightman’s latest CD:  $18.00

Sarah Brightman live in concert:  $200.00

Sarah Brightman impaled on a gate:  Priceless

 ~  ~  ~

Shilo and her father have a showdown with Rotti and his kids
soon after Mag’s demise.  In true operatic fashion, people die
tragic (and grizzly) deaths as old secrets are revealed.

This film won’t be everyone’s cup of tea.  After watching it, I
was disgusted.  But the songs were stuck in my head, and in
no time I bought the soundtrack.  It’s sick…  Yet slick !  You
have been duly warned.     

Fierce fun, “Repo! The Genetic Opera” scores with gore !!!

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “7.5″ out of “10″

 

 

March 27, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Duplicity”

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 7:50 pm
Tags: , ,

duplicitypic5[1] by you.
Ha Ha !  Now This Is What I Call A Review !

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Double Your Fun Today With: Duplicity

Stylish.  Smart.  Sexy.  Stimulating.  I know, it sounds like I’m talking
about “Daniel’s Critical Corner” again !  I very well could be with such
nifty words…  But I’m actually referring to the new internal espionage
flick “Duplicity”.

It’s about time they came up with another good old-fashioned caper
film.  (No, I’m not talking about “Batman” folks).  This movie features
Julia Roberts and Clive Owen as double crossing double agents.  Yes,
having Julia back up on the big screen is awesome.  Well, it’s actually
more like propped up…

For the first time in history, her chest comes out farther than her lips.
Maybe she has had some work done in that area ?  At any rate, in this
venue Julia’s boobs arrive in London twenty minutes before the rest of
 her…  There are moments when her acting might fall flat, but nothing 
else does ! 

Not to put Julia down or anything.  I’ve been a fan of hers for YEARS,
and boy, does she look fabulous for fifty.  (Unfortunately, she is only 
forty-one) !  In her very first scene, she’s standing outside on a sunny
day…  I noticed the “Erin Brokovich” star was wearing what appeared
to be a wool scarf.  I thought this was rather odd, because it looked 
like summertime !  A couple of moments later, I realized she was not 
sporting a scarf at all.  She has a hairy neck !!!

Director Tony Gilroy (Michael Clayton) probably should have caught
that.  If he were shooting a documentary on “Sasquatch”, he could
 skate by.  Or a film titled “Gorillas in the Mystic Pizza”.

 

large_duplicity-julia-roberts-cli[1] by you.
Duplicity ?   …Or Dual Plastic Surgery ? 

 

Actually, for a couple of minutes, I thought perhaps I was at the
wrong movie.  When Julia looks at the camera, sporting some red
lipstick, I wouldn’t have been surprised if she had said something
to the effect of “Wanna know how I got these scars?”  

OK, enough of that.  I’m going to get off of Julia Roberts…  (And
really, can you blame me) ?  Let me focus on Clive Owen for just
a moment.  This guy is as suave as they come…  He could easily
become the next James Bond !  Clive was fantastic in “Sin City”
and memorable in “Gosford Park”, and he just Owens this flick ! 

Julia and Clive play a couple of moles in “Duplicity”…  No, I’m not
talking about that thing growing on Eva Mendes’ face.  By mole I
mean covert operatives !!!  They are working for two companies
that HATE each other.  Julia is working for one business as intel,
but selling the secrets she obtains to its rival business via Clive.

At first, it seems these two double agents are far from pals.  All 
of this stems from a colorful history that dates back about five 
years…  We learn that when Julia was working for the CIA, she  
seduced Clive (and consequently drugged him) in order to snatch
some of his top secret files.  The poor guy was actually working
for MI6 when he was duped, and the fiasco nearly destroyed his 
career.

But everyone is willing to forgive and forget, and they traipse all
over the world pouncing on each other in exotic hotel rooms !  It
must be said, their chemistry is believable. These two people just
click…  And the witty dialogue laced with sexual innuendo is kind
of fun !

On the flip side of the coin, who really wants to watch two people
in their forties shag to no end ?  (They lock themselves in a luxury
suite for three days, going at it like mad).  Yea.  Like THAT would
really happen.  In real life, if a couple approaching middle age was
locked in a hotel room for three days, it’s because they are dead.

I kept wondering why on Earth they didn’t use body doubles for 
the above mentioned steamy scenes…  In movies such as “Pretty
Woman”, Julia had a sensual stand-in.  But in “Duplicity”, she just
lays around with everything hanging out of her pelican briefs…

 

Duplicity by you.
You could pull off James Bond.  I Did Last Week !

 

 *Warning:  Teenagers might not be able to sit through this flick,
  as one scene conjures up images of Phyllis Diller wrestling with   
an alligator in a wading pool filled with jello.

  Despite our saggin’ protagonists, this movie rocks.  It is an intelligent
 heist extravaganza !!!  Filled with double crosses, triple crosses, and
 even a super quadruple cross !  What comes after a quadruple cross
I wonder ?  Octuplets ?  

People start to get conned left and right…  And then Paul Giamatti
gets down into the mix for good measure.  Paul is deliciously sleazy
as the head of a corrupt business, and his nemesis (portrayed by 
Tom Wilkinson) is not much better.  They will stop at NOTHING to 
destroy each other !!!  It appears that Julia and Clive are no more 
than mere pawns in a diabolical scheme…  A couple of clever plot  
twists later, however, reveal that maybe Paul and Tom are indeed 
the fools in this game of “cat and mouse”.

What sets this flick apart from others in the genre is its refreshing
lack of violence.  No one ever brandishes a gun.  Or a knife.  I think
someone brandishes an umbrella.  (Thank goodness it wasn’t Britney
Spears) !  

There is a fistfight of sorts (between Tom and Paul).  And that is
very entertaining.  For the most part, people just use their minds
to gain any advantage.  Of course, there is a lot of talking, and 
I did find myself bored for just a few minutes.  Better than being
bored for three days straight I suppose !  
  
Steal away to see “Duplicity”, it’s a bargain at twice the price !

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “7.5″ out of “10″

 

 

March 7, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Watchmen”

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 9:00 am
Tags: , ,

drmanhattan1[1] by you.
Blue Man Group Promoting Hydroxycut

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
In Need Of Some Comic Relief Today:  Watchmen

Hey !  What’s that up above ?  In the sky ?  I think…  It’s a bird !
No… It’s a plane !  Wait, it’s…  it’s…  A naked blue guy !!!  Could 
someone call Superman and tell him he left the house without his
tights ?  Better get back to the phone booth, pronto ! 

Oh !!!  That’s not Superman.  This dude is balled bald and VERY
well endowed.  Don’t get jealous boys, I’m sure that it’s all CGI. 
Either that or it’s Milton Berle’s grandson…  At any rate, the guy
in the sky is none other than “Dr. Manhattan”.  And he’s here to
save us…  I think.

Dr. Manhattan is one of the unconventional superheroes in the
highly anticipated new flick “Watchmen”.  A movie that features
tons of DICK !!!  That’s right… President Richard Nixon himself is
one of the star players.  Our story takes place many years ago,
in an upside down (and inside out) vision of the mid 1980′s.

This is a world that looks like something out of “Blade Runner”,
and in it superheroes are just a natural part of everyday life…
There is the very buff and very blue Dr. Manhattan of course,
as well as hottie “Silk Spectre II” !  And the rather studly bird
guy, “Nite Owl II” (played here by Patrick Wilson).  It just so  
happens that “Nite Owl I”  was a victim of evil poachers, and 
his head is over a mantel at some woman’s cabin in Alaska.

Also, we are introduced to the very strange “Rorschach”, who
seems to be the most introspective of the bunch.  He wears a
mask of material on his face with ink blots all over it…  I kept
wanting to pluck it off of his head and throw it into a washing
machine.  Rounding out our rather odd crew is the gruff, cigar
smoking “Comedian” and the highly intelligent pretty boy they 
call “Ozzy Madness” (or something like that).

 

wm4_435x326-1-1[1] by you.

‘Nite Owl

 

 

  richard-thomas-then by you.

‘Nite John-Boy

  

When the twelve-issue comic series for “Watchmen” was first
created, the general idea was to “deconstruct” the superhero
  persona…  In other words, the writers wanted to make these  
masked avengers more human, and therefore more vulnerable. 
Well, they went too far if you ask me.  These superheroes are 
 just a bunch of weirdos in disguise.  Still, they are played with 
such sincerity that it is fun to watch them in action.

No doubt, the biggest extreme in this group is The Comedian. 
He really shouldn’t have been part of any superhero elite.  This
guy is a nut, who just shoots anyone he pleases !  (They even
show him shooting JFK).  If Peter Parker’s “Uncle Ben” came up 
to him saying “With great power comes great responsibility”, he
would just blow the old fart’s head clean off.  So, the logic of   
this wacko being allowed to stay in a justice-seeking vigilante
team really never makes one lick of sense.

But then again, a man dressed up as an owl having intelligent
conversations with some naked blue dude makes no sense at 
all either !  I’d probably start giggling…  It wouldn’t matter if I
was Nite Owl II or Dr. Manhattan, in that scenario I would be 
thinking to myself  “You’re kidding me, right?”  Ha Ha !  At one
point, Dr. Manhattan actually does nude yoga while floating 
in midair…  What a crack up ! 

Anyway, for obvious reasons, President Nixon outlaws so-called 
“superheros”.  Then, one of them is found murdered.  Rorschach
 decides to lead his team on a final mission, to find out who has   
killed their buddy and get revenge.  But, while all of this stuff is  
transpiring, the world is on the brink of a full scale nuclear war. 
The Soviet Union is ready to wipe America off of the map  !

So, numerous hijinks ensue.  Rorschach is caught doing superhero
stuff, and then temporarily incarcerated with a real angry midget. 
Midgets always earn a film an extra point here at “Critical Corner”,
whether they are angry or not.

Silk Spectre II finds herself in a pickle as well, because she can no
longer relate to her well hung meaning boyfriend, Dr. Manhattan… 
She starts to realize that the Batmanish Nite Owl II is more up her
alley.  Gratuitous sex scenes soon follow.

 

large_SilkSpectre[1] by you.
Uma Thurman, Eat Your Heart Out !

 

 It isn’t very long before someone tries to kill brainy Ozzy Madness, so
everyone regains their focus and gets back to the daunting task now
at hand:  Find out who wants them all dead and save the world from
total annihilation !!!  A series of flashbacks occur as we put together
pieces of the puzzle.  When our heroes get closer to the answer, the
blood and guts really start to fly !

Things look bleak as the “Doomsday Clock” gets closer to midnight,
and Dr. Manhattan decides to take a vacation on Mars.  Strangely
enough, he is the only character that has any real “superpowers”. 
An accident at some sort of nuclear facility mutated him, similar to 
what happens in “The Incredible Hulk” !  (Except the Hulk managed
to keep his pants on)…

Everybody else is just an average Joe with exceptional fighting
abilities and technical savvy.  Nonetheless, these characters are
really kind of cool in their own way.  Our heroes have dark sides
and deep secrets, but they are still somewhat likable…  I’ve got
to admit, the costumes and special effects are very well done.  

“Watchmen” is not your typical superhero film.  Then again, it
never professes to be.  I am a bit of a traditionalist in respect
to comics, always preferring the stories of “Iron Man” or even
“Green Lantern” over such hardcore issues and violence.  But 
director Zack Snyder (of “300″ fame) keeps this fiercely true 
to its source material, and rather unique at the same time.   

We are looking at a “thinking man’s” superhero flick here, which
is rather philosophical at times, but never preachy.  This movie
shows both sides of every story, and then leaves the audience 
to ponder the outcome’s moral implications.

Still, it is a far cry from a masterpiece.  The characters are not
quite developed enough, and the narrative is all over the place.
The gore is effective in some spots, yet unnecessary in others.
And, at almost three hours long, this film noticeably drags…  At
     least it should tide everyone over until “Star Trek” comes out !    

      “Watchmen” remains watchable, despite a few shortcomings.     

 ~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “7.5″ out of “10″

 

 

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