Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Horton Hears A Who!”

 


Here’s Looking At “Who” Kid !

~ It is fair to say that there is no accounting for people’s taste. ~ 

Take this dude Horton, for example… 
Personally, if I were going to go with a classic rock vibe, I’d be spinning some
“Rolling Stones” or maybe some “Beatles”.  But if Horton digs The “Who”,
more power to him.  But really, does anyone know what they sing…? 
Can you name ONE song ?  I…  Oh.  Oops.

Looks like I read the title wrong. 
Horton hears “A” Who, not “The” Who.  I hate when I do that.  Sorry. 
LOL !  Well, for those of you not familiar with the wonderful world of Dr.
Seuss,  the “Whos” are little people that live in the strangest places.  In
How The Grinch Stole Christmas they are found on a snowflake !  The
snowflake eventually melts, so when they show up in How The Grinch
Ruined Hanukkah
,  they reside in Barbara Streisand’s butt-crack. 

In Horton Hears A Who!, the little buggers live on a speck of dust. 
Please, put your Swiffer Sweepers down…  You could be hurtin’ the Whos !  

Horton is an elephant (voiced by Jim Carrey).  The speck of dust floats by our
pleasant pachyderm, and (with his big elephant ears) he hears the little people
crying for help.

…It’s lucky for the Whos that they didn’t float by “Helen Keller” !

Now, I’m not a big fan of elephants…  But this movie has changed my mind.
What have we really had up until now…?  “Dumbo” ? 

As IF.  I’m sorry kids, but first of all, who names ANYTHING “Dumbo”. 
And what’s with the  “Hot Dog On A Stick” uniform he wears ?  Hmmmph.  
They should have called him “Retardo”.  That’s like the ONLY Disney film that
never goes away…  “The Little Mermaid”  (for example) is only on DVD for a
few weeks, than WHOOSH, it’s gone.  Same with “Beauty And The Beast”. 
You have to wait ten years before they release it again.  But “Dumbo” is
ALWAYS around, gathering dust at Kmart.  I should finally pick up a copy,
and use it as a coaster.  But I digress…

Horton is living a happy-go-lucky life in the jungle, but his world is turned
upside down by the discovery of “Whoville”.   
Basically, all of Horton’s friends think he is on drugs.

 


Take Trips Get High, Laugh Joke And Goodbye
Beat Drum And Old Tin Pot
I’m High On You Know What !

Beads…Flowers…Freedom…Happiness !

 


This Is Horton’s Brain.

 


This Is Horton’s Brain On Green Eggs And Ham.

 

LOL !!!

Horton really is a good guy.  He talks to the Mayor of Whoville, (who has
96 daughters and one son), and agrees to save the Whos from certain annihilation. 
He decides to take the speck of dust to a flower sheltered by a mountain, where
they can live without fear of destruction.  But there are obstacles they all
must overcome…  Both large and small,  short and tall !

 

 
Who’s Your Daddy ?

 

What follows is a classic tale of humanitarianism… (A person’s a person,
no matter how small), and also a tale of faith.  How can you believe in
something you can’t see ?  Just ask Hillary Clinton.

  This movie really does the story justice,
with a few contemporary spins…  And it works on every level.  
Thank goodness they went the CGI route, instead of gluing elephant
ears on someone.  Remember “The Cat In The Hat”…?  I rest my case.

This flick is up there with the other CGI greats, such as “Finding Nemo”,
“Toy Story”, “Ice Age” and “Shrek”.  It really sets a standard, in a world
that is now saturated with “straight to DVD” CGI junk.

 Horton has to battle an evil vulture, who is doing the bidding of an
evil kangaroo, (voiced by Carol Burnett).  He meets several new pals
along the way, including a fuzzy little girl beastie named Katie.

Katie just makes this movie.  She is representative of EVERY precocious and
gross little girl that ever lived.  She farts, she burps, she eats bugs AND she
is responsible for one of the greatest film quotes to come around in a long time.

Horton is talking to his little dust molecule, and Katie comes along saying:
“In my world, everyone is a pony, and they all eat rainbows
and poop butterflies”!

Ha Ha Ha !

This movie really seems to be doing well, and talks of a sequel are in the works.

And now, a “Critical Corner” exclusive…  A scene from the next Dr. Seuss movie:

“Horton Hears Jack Nicholson Quoting Lines From The Departed!”

 

 

As the first scene opens, we see Horton in a field. 
Jack Nicholson walks by…

Horton:  Hello Sir !  How are you, and why, oh why are you so blue ?

Jack Nicholson:  F**K  OFF !

Horton:  Oh dear, you said a bad word I fear !

Jack Nicholson:  F**K you, I’ll shoot you where you stand ! 

Horton:  Stop, kind sir, you are hurting my ears and causing a stir… 

Jack Nicholson:  You think that hurts ?  Well try this !

(Jack Nicholson brandishes a gun and then pistol-whips Horton).

Horton:  With a sigh, I say today you must DIE !

(Horton then gores Jack Nicholson with his tusks).

~

Hmmm.  Sounds like that will go STRAIGHT to video.   

Oh well, at any rate, don’t miss your chance to catch “Horton
Hears A Who!” on the big screen…

To sum things up:

I meant what I said, and I said what I meant,
if you see “Horton” it is money well spent !

~

Would I Recommend This  ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “9” out of “10”

 

 

 

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “10,000 B.C.”

 


“Oooga ! Boo-oooga ! Schmooga… FUG“.

Translation:
“I just got back from the ‘Dollar Tree’ version of Jurassic Park“.

10,000 B.C.
The “B.C.” stands for “BORING CRAP”.
And the 10,000 is for the number of people (per day) who will be wanting refunds.

Anyone who sits through this movie is going to be Dino”Sore” !
I was hoping for “The Flintstones”, but the only “Bam-Bam” I got
was when I slammed my head against the back of my chair a couple of
times in disgust.
LOL !

In all fairness, I knew this movie was going to be a stinker going in…
Does anyone remember the trailer for it ? We see a view of Earth from the
heavens. Presumably present day. The continents are all lit up, like pretty little
Christmas trees. Then, we go “back” in time, before electricity, and all of a sudden
the Earth is “dark”. Just like that. WOW. Must be the year “10,000” B.C. !!!

I mean, there aren’t any lights for gosh sakes !
(I’m sure it couldn’t be 1868 or 1492).
Nope.
Gotta be prehistoric.

HA !

OK, well, let’s get to the “plot” before any more of us petrify. (A little “Stone
Age” humor there for ya)… Hmm… Well, if that joke didn’t thaw you out, I have
others ! (That was a sample of “Ice Age” humor). Quit moaning. I’m the one that
had to sit through this pile of Yabba Dabba Doo Doo!

…This movie plays out as if someone put a history book in a blender.

Back in the “BC”, there wasn’t much to do. (Except maybe go “clubbin”
every now and again). So we have this guy named “D’leh”. (He should have been
named “B’lah” if you ask me… he is SUCH a BORE). Anyway, our pal is just
your average Stone Age type, wearing animal skins and hunting woolly mammoths.

D’leh is part of a multi-ethnic tribe. The “Yagahl” are a regular melting
pot of people, (as was common back then I guess) ? Their tribe consists of
Native Americans, a few Caucasians, some African Americans, and even someone
of Middle Eastern decent. Fortunately you can tell who belongs to the tribe because
they all wear dreadlocks.


Which Way To The Ziggy Marley Concert?

 

Our movie begins with a voice coming out of nowhere… A narrator who sounds
like Count Dracula on drugs (Voiced by Omar Sharif). He tells of the Yagahl, and
how the “White Rain” AKA snow, brought trouble. I swear, it sounded like he
kept saying “White Train“. Anyway, D’leh likes a certain chick in the tribe
(named Evolet) because she has blue eyes. All of a sudden, a band of
PIRATES on horses come and kidnap her and some other villagers.

The ruler of the village is an ancient woman called “Old Mother”.
She is a cross between the “Boob Lady” from The Simpsons Movie
and Martin Lawrence’s “Big Mama”. She has “magic” powers and foretells
of doom unless the blue-eyed babe is saved. D’leh and two others decide they
must go get her. But not before Old Mother can spit on them for luck. I’m not
kidding ! The shriveled hag actually spits on em’ ! If she would have spit on me,
I would have spit right back. Then, I would have put a finger over my left nostril
and given her a “farm blow”, shooting her in the eye. Finally, I’d probably sit on
her head and she would know flatulence ! As she gasped for air, I would tell her
“The Bean Gods are ANGRY”!

Dripping with spit, our heroes set across the snow covered tundra…
However, it isn’t long before they are in a rain forest and attacked by giant ostriches.
(The ostriches actually look like out of work velociraptors).

They manage to escape the rain forest, only to cross a mountain and end up
in what appears to be the Sahara Desert. They are joined by a few African
tribes, and before long they have “many spears”.

The tribes seem to know where the pirates are taking ol’ blue eyes…
They tell D’leh he better hurry before she is brought to the “Giant Bird”.
GULP ! Sounds pretty ominous… It turns out that the “Giant Bird” is actually
a boat. (Makes perfect sense to me).

Well, after all, the bad guys are pirates… Can’t be a pirate without a ship !

Our rag-tag band of warriors arrive at the river just a few minutes too
late, and they watch in horror as our heroine and the others are swept down the
river in the “Giant Bird”.

“Where are they taking her ?” Asks D’leh.

“To the head of the snake.” Replies the chief of one of the tribes.

“Where is that?”, Responds D’leh.

“I don’t know.” The Chief answers,

“It is a BIG snake”.

Sigh… What a predicament !

Instead of just following the river, they follow a star… And travel for “many moons”.
After crossing over another mountain or two, they end up in Egypt. Now, keep
in mind, over the course of a few days they have gone from what appears to
be Antarctica, then to a rain forest, then to the Sahara Desert and finally to
Egypt… ALL ON FOOT. Heck, these prehistoric guys are STUDS ! Proof
once more that “The Wheel” is overrated. LOL !!!

Well, once in Egypt they find out the chilling truth behind the abduction
of the girl and the tribespeople… They are going to be slaves, used to help
build “The Great Pyramids”. OK, OK, so 10,000 B.C. isn’t really when the
pyramids were built… But in the movies, a 7000 year margin of error
is nothing !

We also see them building the big “Sphincter” ! (Or whatever that lion-body
statue thing with half a face is called).

Oooh ! Did I mention the fact that these Egyptians use woolly mammoths
to help bring the stones up to the top of the pyramids ? Who would have
thunk it? That explains so much ! Also, I have to note that the Egyptians
in this picture are dressed like “Mayans”.

At one point during the movie, someone in the theater let out a
horrific scream… I think the man was a history teacher. He was pulling at
his hair, and he tossed his popcorn at the screen. Then he ran out the exit door
(into the street). The oncoming traffic didn’t seem to bother him, as he fell to
his knees screaming “Take Me NOW” !

I can’t blame him. All these years, what he’s been telling school kids is wrong…
What an eye-opener “10,000 B.C.” turned out to be !!!

As for myself, I kept waiting for George Washington to show up in a space ship.

*Editor’s note
I did a little research, and believe it or not, woolly mammoths were actually
alive at the same time the Great Pyramids (of Giza) were built… (2,500 B.C.)
The fuzzy behemoths were around as recently as 1,500 B.C. ! No wonder we
keep finding fresh ones ! Kind of cool. I thought those things were gone millions
of years ago ! However, being as they are really hairy and indigenous to the cold,
I don’t think they would have lasted long in Egypt. But that’s just me.

In all fairness, there are a couple of “edge-of-your seat” moments… Like when
D’leh is about to be devoured by a saber-toothed tiger !!! He does manage to
escape, (just barely), by shaking his finger at the cat and telling it not to eat him.

Talk about a close call ! Lucky for D’leh, that cat understood English. I mean,
what if it was Russian ? Speaking of, people were “russian” to the exits when this
movie was over. Ugh…


Playing “Tooth” Or Dare !

 

To it’s credit, this movie is at least visually stunning,
and D’leh (played by Steven Strait) is SMOKING hot.
Talk about discovering fire !

That aside, “10,000 B.C.” is a MAMMOTH flop.

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating: “3.5” out of “10”

 

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “The Simpsons Movie”


DAD, You are NOT “Ghost Rider” !

 Daniels Critical Corner Proudly Presents:  The Simpsons Movie !

Hang on, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride !!!

As I sit here writing this, the comforting warmth of nostalgia is starting
to engulf me.  OK, actually, it’s not nostalgia…  I just dropped a chili dog
in my lap.  But whatever the case may be, there is a warmth.

I’d like to start off this review by taking everyone on a trip with me.
No, not to Hawaii…  Put your hula skirts down.  Let’s go back to 1989 !
That’s the year “The Simpsons” first hit the airwaves.  We are going back in time…
Back…  Baaaaaaack… 


2008…2007…2006…2005…

Back we go…  To a time before “The Family Guy”…


2002…2001…2000…1999…1998…1997…

And to a time even before “South Park”…


1996…1995…1994…1993…1992…1991…

I remember it so well, as if it were only yesterday…

It was the Christmas season (1989) when I first laid my eyes on a “Simpsons”
episode.  The series premiered on a Sunday Night, and I was home relaxing 
(having just completed my very first college finals the Friday before) ! 
There were many commercials for this  “new” animated sitcom on Fox,
and I was intrigued by the concept.  A weekly cartoon at night ??? 
Unheard of ! 

 The first show was actually a Christmas special, titled
“Simpsons Roasting On An Open Fire”. It tells the story of
how the family got their darling dog, “Santa’s Little Helper”.

Well,  let’s just say I wasn’t impressed.  Cartoons were supposed to be cute.
Not VULGAR.  I grew up watching Saturday morning cartoons…  Which consisted
of “The Smurfs”, “Scooby Doo”, “Bugs Bunny” and of course a great assortment
of superheros.  I was also a big fan of the classic “Donald Duck”  shorts.  But as
for “The Simpsons”…  These rather crudely drawn, yellow characters just
rubbed me the wrong way.

Yes folks, back in 1989/1990, I HATED the “Simpsons” !
(Now I’m writing this to the light of my little “Lisa Simpson” desk lamp),
and I’m looking over at my “Treehouse of Horror” Monopoly Game…
People change, tastes change, and thank God I am now a true “Simpsons” fan !!!

When this great show first came out, I only knew TWO of the 60+ people
that are on my friends list on MySpace…  (Hi Kristi) !  And at least TEN
of my aforementioned friends were just babies…  We are going back nineteen
years mind you !  I was a young man, still a teenager (just a couple of months
away from twenty).  Now, I’m four months past Mickey Rooney and three
months shy of DEAD.  LOL !  Well, all kidding aside, 1989 was a very
interesting year…

Ronald Reagan left the White House, Zsa Zsa Gabor slapped a cop, and
Neptune’s moon “Triton” was first seen up close by human eyes thanks to
Voyager II flying by.  Pluto was still classified as a planet !

Madonna had a number one song with her provocative “Like A Prayer”. 
If I remember correctly, she drank a Pepsi while burning a cross and rubbing
her crotch.  Pepsi was NOT amused.  Now, Madonna drinks “Coke”.  They
don’t care what she rubs or burns, they just like the free publicity.

Back in the late eighties, nobody knew what Janet Jackson’s boob looked like.
Now EVERYBODY knows what Janet Jackson’s boob looks like.  Little kids
even draw pictures of it.  But that’s what happens when you let children
watch the Superbowl.  Tsk, tsk…

“The Little Mermaid” made a splash at movie theaters,  and Michael Keaton
battled Jack Nicholson in the first “Batman” movie.  Anyone remember
“Batdance” ?  Ah yes, Prince.  Before he became a “squiggle”.

Ginger Rogers, Marlene Dietrich and Greta Garbo were still alive and kicking,
but we lost Lucille Ball and the legendary Bette Davis (Oh, those EYES) ! 

Olivia de Havilland was also alive and well…  Hmm…  Hold on…  Looks like
SHE is STILL alive and well.  That’s odd.  Guess she’s not dead yet…  But she
should be !  The “Gone With The Wind” star has seen better days, I’m sure. 
I think she died back in 1997 (but no one told her).  So she continues to roam
the Earth…  HUNGRY FOR HUMAN FLESH !!!


Olivia De Havilland, Age 23
“Gone With The Wind”


Olivia De Havilland, Age 91
“Breaking Wind”

What else was going on back in 1989 ?  Well, 74 Titanic survivors were still
on this planet.  Now, there is only ONE.  And let me tell you, she is hanging on
by a thread.  No more throwing jewels overboard for that old dame.  She’s
likely to go over with it !

As for myself, I was a borderline “Greek God” back in the day…
I had rippling muscles that used to glisten in the sun, and I sported a long
flowing mane of light brown hair.  I remember shaking my head from side to side
(in slow motion) as my beautiful, curly locks would cascade down my shoulders.

I used to love riding up the side of the mountain on my horse, hair blowing
in the wind…  People gasping in awe as we would gallop by.


What I Looked Like In 1989


What I Look Like NOW


What I Will Probably Look Like In
Thirty Years

Anywho, “The Simpsons Movie” is really a lot of fun,
(and it features stupendous animation that easily rivals even the best of Disney).
The plot involves Homer getting a pet pig, which he dresses up in funny costumes.
He does the little guy up as “Spider-Pig”, and even “Harry Plopper” ! 
I myself would dress my pig up as Posh Spice or perhaps John McCain.
But that’s just me.

Homer’s pig craps too much, so Homer in his infinite wisdom decides to dump
the poop into Lake Springfield.  BIG mistake.  He causes an (un)natural disaster,
and in no time the government (Led by President Schwarzenegger) covers the
Simpson’s hometown with a giant glass dome.  Chaos ensues, as the Springfield
population descends into madness.  It’s up to Homer and his family to save the day !
Hilarious events unfold as Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie figure out
what they are going to do.  Ya just gotta love these guys…  It’s hard not to see a
little bit of yourself in each of these iconic characters.  Sure, they end up making
fun of everybody…  But there is nothing wrong with being able to
laugh at yourself.

The entire gang is in this movie, from Chief Wiggum to Mr. Burns,
and from Grampa Simpson to Apu !  Even Itchy and Scratchy make an
appearance !  Having a full-length feature film was such a great idea !  I always
felt bad when  “The Simpsons” would end after thirty minutes.  I just wanted
it to keep going.  And thanks to this movie, it does !!!   You can never have
enough of a good thing.  Long live “The Simpsons” !

D’ohnt just take my word for it !  See it for yourself !!!

~

Would I Recommend This ?  YES

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “10” out of “10”