“Oooga ! Boo-oooga ! Schmooga… FUG“.
“I just got back from the ‘Dollar Tree’ version of Jurassic Park“.
The “B.C.” stands for “BORING CRAP”.
And the 10,000 is for the number of people (per day) who will be wanting refunds.
Anyone who sits through this movie is going to be Dino”Sore” !
I was hoping for “The Flintstones”, but the only “Bam-Bam” I got
was when I slammed my head against the back of my chair a couple of
times in disgust.
In all fairness, I knew this movie was going to be a stinker going in…
Does anyone remember the trailer for it ? We see a view of Earth from the
heavens. Presumably present day. The continents are all lit up, like pretty little
Christmas trees. Then, we go “back” in time, before electricity, and all of a sudden
the Earth is “dark”. Just like that. WOW. Must be the year “10,000” B.C. !!!
I mean, there aren’t any lights for gosh sakes !
(I’m sure it couldn’t be 1868 or 1492).
Gotta be prehistoric.
OK, well, let’s get to the “plot” before any more of us petrify. (A little “Stone
Age” humor there for ya)… Hmm… Well, if that joke didn’t thaw you out, I have
others ! (That was a sample of “Ice Age” humor). Quit moaning. I’m the one that
had to sit through this pile of Yabba Dabba Doo Doo!
…This movie plays out as if someone put a history book in a blender.
Back in the “BC”, there wasn’t much to do. (Except maybe go “clubbin”
every now and again). So we have this guy named “D’leh”. (He should have been
named “B’lah” if you ask me… he is SUCH a BORE). Anyway, our pal is just
your average Stone Age type, wearing animal skins and hunting woolly mammoths.
D’leh is part of a multi-ethnic tribe. The “Yagahl” are a regular melting
pot of people, (as was common back then I guess) ? Their tribe consists of
Native Americans, a few Caucasians, some African Americans, and even someone
of Middle Eastern decent. Fortunately you can tell who belongs to the tribe because
they all wear dreadlocks.
Which Way To The Ziggy Marley Concert?
Our movie begins with a voice coming out of nowhere… A narrator who sounds
like Count Dracula on drugs (Voiced by Omar Sharif). He tells of the Yagahl, and
how the “White Rain” AKA snow, brought trouble. I swear, it sounded like he
kept saying “White Train“. Anyway, D’leh likes a certain chick in the tribe
(named Evolet) because she has blue eyes. All of a sudden, a band of
PIRATES on horses come and kidnap her and some other villagers.
The ruler of the village is an ancient woman called “Old Mother”.
She is a cross between the “Boob Lady” from The Simpsons Movie
and Martin Lawrence’s “Big Mama”. She has “magic” powers and foretells
of doom unless the blue-eyed babe is saved. D’leh and two others decide they
must go get her. But not before Old Mother can spit on them for luck. I’m not
kidding ! The shriveled hag actually spits on em’ ! If she would have spit on me,
I would have spit right back. Then, I would have put a finger over my left nostril
and given her a “farm blow”, shooting her in the eye. Finally, I’d probably sit on
her head and she would know flatulence ! As she gasped for air, I would tell her
“The Bean Gods are ANGRY”!
Dripping with spit, our heroes set across the snow covered tundra…
However, it isn’t long before they are in a rain forest and attacked by giant ostriches.
(The ostriches actually look like out of work velociraptors).
They manage to escape the rain forest, only to cross a mountain and end up
in what appears to be the Sahara Desert. They are joined by a few African
tribes, and before long they have “many spears”.
The tribes seem to know where the pirates are taking ol’ blue eyes…
They tell D’leh he better hurry before she is brought to the “Giant Bird”.
GULP ! Sounds pretty ominous… It turns out that the “Giant Bird” is actually
a boat. (Makes perfect sense to me).
Well, after all, the bad guys are pirates… Can’t be a pirate without a ship !
Our rag-tag band of warriors arrive at the river just a few minutes too
late, and they watch in horror as our heroine and the others are swept down the
river in the “Giant Bird”.
“Where are they taking her ?” Asks D’leh.
“To the head of the snake.” Replies the chief of one of the tribes.
“Where is that?”, Responds D’leh.
“I don’t know.” The Chief answers,
“It is a BIG snake”.
Sigh… What a predicament !
Instead of just following the river, they follow a star… And travel for “many moons”.
After crossing over another mountain or two, they end up in Egypt. Now, keep
in mind, over the course of a few days they have gone from what appears to
be Antarctica, then to a rain forest, then to the Sahara Desert and finally to
Egypt… ALL ON FOOT. Heck, these prehistoric guys are STUDS ! Proof
once more that “The Wheel” is overrated. LOL !!!
Well, once in Egypt they find out the chilling truth behind the abduction
of the girl and the tribespeople… They are going to be slaves, used to help
build “The Great Pyramids”. OK, OK, so 10,000 B.C. isn’t really when the
pyramids were built… But in the movies, a 7000 year margin of error
is nothing !
We also see them building the big “Sphincter” ! (Or whatever that lion-body
statue thing with half a face is called).
Oooh ! Did I mention the fact that these Egyptians use woolly mammoths
to help bring the stones up to the top of the pyramids ? Who would have
thunk it? That explains so much ! Also, I have to note that the Egyptians
in this picture are dressed like “Mayans”.
At one point during the movie, someone in the theater let out a
horrific scream… I think the man was a history teacher. He was pulling at
his hair, and he tossed his popcorn at the screen. Then he ran out the exit door
(into the street). The oncoming traffic didn’t seem to bother him, as he fell to
his knees screaming “Take Me NOW” !
I can’t blame him. All these years, what he’s been telling school kids is wrong…
What an eye-opener “10,000 B.C.” turned out to be !!!
As for myself, I kept waiting for George Washington to show up in a space ship.
I did a little research, and believe it or not, woolly mammoths were actually
alive at the same time the Great Pyramids (of Giza) were built… (2,500 B.C.)
The fuzzy behemoths were around as recently as 1,500 B.C. ! No wonder we
keep finding fresh ones ! Kind of cool. I thought those things were gone millions
of years ago ! However, being as they are really hairy and indigenous to the cold,
I don’t think they would have lasted long in Egypt. But that’s just me.
In all fairness, there are a couple of “edge-of-your seat” moments… Like when
D’leh is about to be devoured by a saber-toothed tiger !!! He does manage to
escape, (just barely), by shaking his finger at the cat and telling it not to eat him.
Talk about a close call ! Lucky for D’leh, that cat understood English. I mean,
what if it was Russian ? Speaking of, people were “russian” to the exits when this
movie was over. Ugh…
Playing “Tooth” Or Dare !
To it’s credit, this movie is at least visually stunning,
and D’leh (played by Steven Strait) is SMOKING hot.
Talk about discovering fire !
That aside, “10,000 B.C.” is a MAMMOTH flop.
Would I Recommend This ? No
Daniel’s Critical Rating: “3.5” out of “10”