No, It’s NOT Another “Hannibal” Sequel !

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Today’s Top Story:  Lions For Lambs

Our movie opens (quite simply enough), with an aerial view
of the Iraqi Desert.

We are looking down on the BARREN wasteland from an “eagle’s eye” perspective:
Nothing but miles and miles of scorched earth, (marked with dry scaling and
dark cracks that seem to go on forever).  Not a drop of water is to be found
as the rough and rugged terrain seems to have no end…

Then we realize it’s not Iraq at all. 
It’s a close-up of Robert Redford’s FACE.

He seems to be trying to say something…  The camera pulls away (Thank GOD)
and we actually see that Mr. Redford is talking to someone,
(A young man wearing a very LOUD Hawaiian shirt)…!

As the first scene in “Lions For Lambs” unfolds, we realize the young man is in fact
a college student, and Robert Redford is his professor.  The kid apparently has been
missing class, so his concerned teacher is giving him a tongue lashing through
false teeth and leather lips.

What in the WORLD happened to this once handsome actor ?  The ravages of 
AGE have caught up to him I guess…  Couldn’t they have at least smeared some
petroleum jelly on the camera lens to “soften” up his appearance ?  Maybe put
a filter on it ?  Even a coffee filter would work…  Make an effort !

 

Robert Redford, Eying An Oscar

 

When someone said ” Check out this script “,  Robert thought they said “crypt”.
Is there a plastic surgeon in the house ?  Hmmmph.  He needs to retire and just
stick to pawning off his salad dressing.  Oh wait, that’s the other old dude.
Well, regardless…  He should try to sell SOMETHING.  With his looks I’m
thinking “croutons”, but that’s just me.

Anywho, Robert Deadford…  Um, I mean REDford tries to suck the life out of
the young man by talking him TO DEATH.  They go round and round on the subject
of joining the military.  Rob seems to be against it…  Something about “wasted
potential”.  Speaking of wasted potential, did I mention Meryl Streep is in this
flick as well ?

Meryl plays a woman whose glory days are WELL behind her (big stretch).
She is a reporter, looking to breathe some new life into her career by getting
an exclusive interview with a powerful politician.  Her character looks like a
frumpy version of Martha Stewart, (More “Circle K” than “Kmart“).

 

Goodbye Prada,
Hello “Lederhosen”

 

Well, the aforementioned politician is played (unconvincingly) by Tom Cruise.
Meryl Streep gets to interview him, and the “talk-fest” begins.  The conversation
revolves around the current war on terror, but it sounds like everything they say
is being read straight from a newspaper.  Not ONE original idea to be found here.
Tom has the “kill em’ all” mentality, and Meryl takes the side of “Maybe we
shouldn’t be in the Middle East”.

As the “banter” continues, one is inclined to stare at Tom Cruise’s eyebrows…
There is really nothing else to do.  Now, is it just me, or is Tom getting a “Unibrow”…?
He’s had a permanent look of consternation on his face for a few years now, and I
think his eyebrows are starting to grow TOGETHER !!!

Whatever happened to the cute kid from “Risky Business”…?  He used to be a
sex symbol, now he’s a vex symbol.

After this mundane fare, Tom had better HOPE there will be a  “Mission:
Impossible 4”, because he’s gonna need something to revive his…

Ohhhh!  Sorry to stop “mid-sentence”…  But I JUST figured out who he looks
like !  “Sam The Eagle” from the Muppet Show !!! 
(Came to me out of the blue as I was typing) !

 

Tom Cruise Now Starring In “Lions For Lambs”

 

Anyway, the movie just goes back and forth between Robert Redford talking to the
student and Meryl chatting with Tom.  This is the kind of film that you can take as many
bathroom breaks as you want and nothing will be missed.  Heck, do yourself a favor and
take a 90 minute bathroom break.  This DUD has about as much entertainment value as a
congressional debate.

Sprinkled on top of all of this is a very small bit of action…
A couple of soldiers (who were once Robert Redford’s students) are flying in a plane
over some pretty dangerous territory.  The plane is shot at, and one of the guys is hit
(thus falling out of the plane).  A few moments later, his buddy decides to jump out
after him.  Somehow, they manage to land just a few feet from each other.
(C’mon now REALLY…  What are the chances)?

The guys are hurt and can’t move.  So they just lay there and talk.

Sounds like my love life.  A couple of minutes of action and then an HOUR of
“talking”.  JUST GO HOME.  Sheesh !  Suuuure I’ll call you…

Whoops, I’m getting off track…  Where was I ?  The popcorn was good… 
The pickle was average…  I think they gave me a regular “Coke” instead
of “Diet”…  I HATE when they do that !  Hmmm…  Movie, movie…
Um… Oh yea…

A couple of times the guys shoot their guns in the general direction of the
enemy, (I’m thinking they did that to wake up the people in the audience that
have fallen asleep).  One woman was so startled she dropped the book she
was reading !

The only good thing I can say about this film is that Robert Redford and Meryl
Streep do a great job even with the weak material.  Tom Cruise however, can’t
act his way out of a paper bag (and Meryl Streep appears to be wearing one).

This is the type of movie you forget about ever having seen the moment you leave
the theater…  Let me tell you, it’s a good thing I tied a string around my finger or this
review would have NEVER been written !!!  LOL !!!

More bore than roar, “Lions For Lambs” is LAMEO.

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Would I Recommend This ?  NO

Daniel’s Critical Rating…  “4.5” out of “10”