Daniel’s Critical Corner: “The Strangers”

That’s The LAST Time I Touch Peter Jackson’s Stupid Oscar !

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today We Will Be Getting To Know:  The Strangers

Horrifying…  Cutting Edge…  The Last Word In TERROR.

That is how I would describe “The Exorcist”.  Sadly, today I am reviewing “The
Strangers”, and my words of choice will be FAR from flattering. Please, be warned,
there will be tons of BLOOD SOAKED spoilers.  But, it would probably behoove you
to read on.    

To be honest, half the time I thought I was watching “Scary Movie”…  This film
has so many “Don’t Go In There” moments it’s almost comical.  Now, people getting
tortured is never funny, (unless you are watching “The View”).  But this sick little film
manages to garner a giggle under even the most brutal of circumstances.  But enough
about Liv Tyler’s acting…

Everything starts out rather slow.  We first see both Scott Speedman (Underworld) 
 and Liv Tyler (Middle-Earth) having an argument.  They are just another young couple
with their fair share of problems.  To patch things up, they go to a remote mansion
in the woods.  Most people have cabins, but these folks have what appears to be a
castle.  Go figure.  Anyway, there are rose petals thrown all over the place and a few
candles set about for romantic “ambiance”.

Setting the mood further, their pad is equipped with an antique record player.  They
play more old country music than the soundtrack to “Brokeback Mountain”, but before
anyone can say “I wish I knew how to quit you”, there is an ominous knock at the front
door.  Thinking it’s probably just the Girl Scouts, our hapless couple decide to answer,    
only to find a young woman standing in the shadows.  Despite being four o’clock in the 
morning, this chick asks if someone named “Tamara” is home…  How rude.  Aren’t  
strangers supposed to CALL first or something ? 

She is politely told that she has the wrong house.  With her head down, this
mysterious figure vanishes into the bleak darkness…  Only to return a few
minutes later wearing a creepy doll mask !!! 


Hello Dolly !


This woman is a total nut, and she has brought back a couple of weirdos with her.
 Some guy dressed as “The Scarecrow” from Batman Begins and some chick dressed as 
“Betty Boop”…  Horror is supposed to ensue as these masked marauders terrorize the
household.  At first, I wasn’t too worried about our heroes.  Turns out, they have TWO 
loaded shotguns in the house, plenty of knives and a chainsaw.  Not to mention, they
have a two-way radio, two cell phones, a land line and access to a couple of vehicles.

I was sure they would get the upper hand against the “strangers” who want to harm
them.  I mean, all these crazies have is an ax.  That’s right.  One shiny ax.  Nothing 
more, nothing less.  However, in a shocking plot twist, we learn that the victims are
RETARDED.  They have no clue what a gun is, or for that matter, how to use it.  

Once they “figure” out how to pull the trigger, they shoot at anything that moves
before seeing who or what it is.  First, they put COUNTLESS holes in the walls.  To 
match the COUNTLESS holes in the plot perhaps ?  Then they manage to blow away
their best friend (who ironically just cancelled a hunting trip with Dick Cheney).  And,
to top it all off,  they hit a couple of nuns AND a horse.  OK, maybe I exaggerated   
the last part a little bit…  What it boils down to is the bad guys never actually get
shot (but EVERYTHING and EVERYONE else does).    

Of course, our couple also LOVES to split up. “You wait here.  I’ll be right back” ! 
And it seems to make sense (at least to them) to leave their guns in other rooms
while they investigate strange noises…  It doesn’t matter how many phones they
have, as they only like to call each other, and not 911.  I think one of them calls
a psychic hotline for advice on what to do.  But the police seem to be last on  
their list.


If They Walk Through That Door, I’ll Clobber Em’ With My “Shoot Stick”  


One scene in particular that stands out in my mind (yes, I did laugh), is when
our beautiful heroine sneaks back into the house after having a run-in with an
ax-wielding maniac !!!  She is trying to be quiet, but she trips and lands on a 
table full of plates.  There is a huge CRASH… Then she backs up into a wall,
knocking down a picture and shattering the glass frame.  She shrieks, (and
only covers her mouth after the fact). As she raises her arm up, she bumps
  her elbow into a shelf of porcelain figurines, tipping a couple of those over.  

Realizing at this point she’s been “made” (Duh) she runs to the kitchen to hide
in the pantry.  After slamming the door she bumps into a shelf full of jellies,  
which rattles very loudly as a couple of jars fall to the ground. Oh Puhleeze !

Perhaps all of this is supposed to add to the “suspense”, but instead it generates
plenty of unintentional humor.   Early on, this movie does have some rather tense
moments…   “The Strangers” at least starts off very atmospheric.  Some creepy,  
dark piano music (mixed with the record player skipping) managed to invoke in me
memories of the horror classic “The Evil Dead”.  But soon it devolves into nothing
more than parlor tricks and cheap scares. (Probably not so cheap if you have
shelled out ten bucks for a ticket) !

    Yes, I went from being on the edge of my seat one moment, to almost laughing
  hysterically the next…  But the smile was wiped off my face when I had to sit
   through the sick, horrible and disturbing end.  I won’t go into many details, but it
     involves (not kidding) two Mormon missionaries and a blood-curdling scream.  
  LAME !!!  

Remember kids, look both ways before you cross the street, and of course
 avoid “Strangers” at ALL COSTS !


Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “5” out of “10”





Daniel’s Critical Corner: “The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian”

Who You Callin’ A “Pretty Boy” ???

 ~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s Impossibly Long Title:  The Chronicles of
Narnia:  Prince Caspian

 WOW !  Check out that moniker !  It takes up the entire top of my page !
What is with that exactly ?  Couldn’t they have just called it Narnia 2 and
been done with it?  I mean, when I went to get my ticket, I didn’t say “Hi
there, one adult for The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian please”.  Yes,
 I could have said that, but that would have made me look like a big TWIT. 
 Nope.  “One for Narnia please” was just enough to get the point across.
Hmmm…  I suppose “Narnia Dos” would’ve worked as well… 

 Regardless, “The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian” still manages to
be a little less of a mouthful than “Harry Potter and the Nursing Home
in Phoenix” (or wherever Daniel Radclliffe is retiring too).

Enough about the title, let’s get to the movie !!! 
We begin with a horrible scream…  (No, not from someone in the audience). A   
woman is giving birth in a castle, and we realize this baby is an heir to a throne 
of some sort.  Something is then mentioned in passing about the “Caspian Clan”… 

Moments later, we see a different woman (in bed and apparently in the same castle). She 
is notabley young and beautiful, with what appears to be perfect hair.  Someone sneaks
into her chambers, then a hand claps over her mouth to keep her from yelling.  It turns  
out that the woman is none other than Prince Caspian !  (Yea, I know that’s confusing).
I thought he was a chick at first glance.  Dude looks like a lady.

   Anyway, some old guy dressed as Santa Claus ushers the prince out of the castle,
fearing that his life is in danger…  Low and behold, it is !  The aforementioned baby
can’t become king if our pal Caspian is alive and kicking.  The baby’s daddy is the
main villain in this picture, a guy with a penchant for power who looks like an ugly
(and perhaps retarded) version of Leonidas from “300” !

Our hero runs into the woods, where he finds some midgets and other freaks.
  And that’s when he gets REAL horny !!!  Allow me to elaborate…  (He grabs a 
horn given to him by Santa Claus).  He starts blowing the heck out of it, while
one of the midgets beats him over the head.  Sounds WILD, I know.  And all of
this in a “PG” film !!!


He Sees You When You’re Sleeping…
(Through This Movie)


Suddenly, like magic, the brats from the prior installment are sucked out of England 
 and into the land of Narnia.  (That’s where the horn tootin’ prince lives).  Let’s see, if
memory serves me correctly we have “Lucy”, “Peter”, “Schlepo” and “What’s Her Face”.
Hmmm… Close enough.  The group is glad to be back at first, but they soon realize  
  that more than a thousand years has passed in NST (Narnia Standard Time) since their 
last visit.  The world that they once knew now officially sucks.  Bad guys have
overtaken the land,  and everything is in ruin !

So the gang of young kings and queens who once defeated the “Ice Witch” (or
whatever she was called) must join forces with Prince Crapstain to save the day !
 They decide to once more enlist the aid of strange looking creatures and assorted
oddballs.  They befriend a cute little talking mouse that wears a feather and slits
people’s throats like butter… (Lovely).  They also search for their old pal, Aslan
the Lion !  Not an easy guy to get in touch with.  He’s terrible about returning
messages (and that’s if you are lucky enough to even get his voice mail). 

In one touching scene, the youngest girl sees a lion on a rock and runs up to him,
crying.  As everyone cheers, she wraps her arms around the noble animal. In a flash,
the lion bites off her head.  One of the other kids screams and runs up with a sword,
but he looses his arm as everyone shoots arrows at the enraged BEAST

LOL !  OK, it didn’t go down quite like that (if this were MY movie, that’s what
would probably happen). Maybe it’s a good thing they haven’t called me to do
“Narnia Tres”.  Yes, of course the little girl finds Aslan (voiced by Liam Neeson),
and it’s all smiles and butterflies after that. 

But not before there is a good deal of action and bloodshed.  These little kids go to
battle and kill several people.  A couple of them are dressed in full adult armor, and 
they look just plain silly.  It’s also hard to believe that they are strong enough to beat
some of the evil warriors that come their way, (either hand to hand or sword to sword).
Cute animals are found donning knives and such, and join in on the bloodbath.  Kind
of strange actually. 

 Granted, the effects are brilliant, and this movie is faster paced compared to the   
first.  Truth be told, I liked this installment a tad better…   And of course, it is  
(big surprise) DARKER.  That’s the rule these days.  If a studio makes a successful  
kid’s fantasy film, each sequel has to get darker and darker with a higher
body count.


A Group Of Undecided Superdelegates Prepare
To Meet With Hillary Clinton…


And now, for your “entertainment” (if you can call it that), here is an example
of a “generic” kid’s fantasy movie script (complete with sequels).  


Generic Kid’s Fantasy Movie

Little Girl:  “What a pretty rainbow”.

Goat-Head Creature:  “Yes, and such a nice day as well” !

Little Girl:  “What a magical land” !


Generic Kid’s Fantasy Movie Part 2 

Little Girl:  “It’s raining.”

Goat-Head Creature:  “There is evil afoot.”

Little Girl:  “And the bad sorcerer killed Puppy-Face” !

Goat-Head Creature:  “Awww… He was so cute” !

Little Girl:  “He was actually more than just cute . He 
                    represented the plight of starving animals
around the world” !!!


 Generic Kid’s Fantasy Movie Part 3 (The Final Chapter)

Goat-Head Creature:  “What the heck happened to you” ?

Little Girl:  “What do you mean” ?

Goat-Head Creature:  “You are like what, 40 years old now,
                        and still wearing pigtails” ?

Little Girl:  “You have been possessed by the evil one  
                     like all of the others.  Now you must DIE” !!!

Goat-Head Creature:  “Nooooooo” !

(The little girl stabs Goat-Head Creature with the “Dagger of Truth”.
His blood splatters onto the camera.  As it drips off, we see the
 rainbow again from the first film, but this time with a new clarity).

The End.  Ha Ha !  (I’m sure you get my drift…)


 Now, the “Narnia” books by C.S. Lewis are truly an achievement in literature. 
I read all of them many years ago, (and was impressed).  I just don’t remember
them being quite as intense in comparison to this film…  Can you believe they 
actually swat an innocent midget in this flick ?  Hey… Get your minds out of the 
gutter !!!  I said “swat” not “SWAP”.  

In all fairness,  “Narnia” isn’t that bad… It’s just another run of the mill fantasy
 film sequel that tries to focus on more “grown up” themes than it’s predecessor. 
And with so much action, there is absolutley NO room for character growth.
(Unless you count the beauty mole on Caspian’s lip). 

“The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian” is perfect fodder for the dollar
movies, and I ain’t Lion !


Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “6.5” out of “10”




Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Speed Racer”

This Helmet McDonald’s Gave Me Is Just TOO Tight !

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Getting The Green Flag Today:  Speed Racer

 A funny thing happened to me the other night when I visited our local movie theater
to check out the brand new (and highly anticipated) early summer film, “Speed Racer”.

I had my ticket in hand, and I happily walked over to the concession stand (as I always do). 
The savory aroma of popcorn filled my nostrils. I licked my lips and tried to decide rather or not
to get a “Diet Coke” or just go crazy and grab a “Sprite” .  If you ask me, both go well with a
buttery bag of hot corn at the movies !  

Then I got a whiff of something else… Familiar, yes…  Something yummy… But what was it ?
  For a moment I just couldn’t put my finger on it.  Then (SNAP) I realized that I was smelling
cotton candy !  WOW !  They had set up a real cotton candy MACHINE !  Usually, one only 
sees such a thing at an amusement park (or a baseball game) !  The sticky confection was 
swirling around, promising to turn into a nice wad of goodness !  I was in Heaven ! 

  This seemingly serene moment however, did not last long.  Someone came up from behind
me and grabbed the back of my neck !  I gasped, and tried to escape this mystery
person’s grip, but could not.

I was being pushed towards the aforementioned cotton candy machine, this much is 
certain.  The last thing I remember seeing (before everything went pink) was my own 
reflection in the machine’s glass.  The perpetrator shoved me forward, and my head 
went clean through the contraption with a deafening shatter.  The pain did not   
phase me, as all of a sudden pink swirls were whizzing around my dome.  I tried to
scream but all I got was a mouthful of delicous crap.

Somehow, I found the strength to break free.  Falling to the floor, I managed to look up
at my attacker.  There, before me in all his glory, was none other than Willy Wonka !!!  He
held a large bag of jelly beans in his hand…  With a look in his eye that just had “pure evil”
written all over it.  I raised my arms in a defensive maneuver, but to no avail.  Wonka 
started beating the heck out of me with his giant bag o’ beans.

There was a resounding “pop” as the bag broke, and I was assailed with all the colors
of the rainbow.  Finally, I was able to let out an earth-shattering SHRIEK.  That’s when
the guy next to me said “Will you shut up ALREADY” ! Turns out, I was never pushed  
into a cotton candy machine at all…  I was in fact already sitting down watching
“Speed Racer” !

LOL !  Yep.  This movie is a kaleidoscope of crazy color that (at times) made me want
to say “Stop the ride, I want to get off” !  But I remained seated for the duration.  More
often than not, it was oh so sweet. 

Walking into this movie, I thought it was going to be DREADFUL.  And yes, parts of it
were.  Imagine “The Matrix” if you will.  Now, imagine “The Matrix” being directed by
Elton John.  Now, imagine Elton John spilling a bottle of “Pepto Bismol” on the camera,
(and subsequently licking it off).  There you have it.  Yes folks.  It’s true.  “Speed Racer”
is the gay “Matrix”.  There is even a scene in this movie where “Boy George” appears to 
be driving a truck !  

Hmmm…  Let me give you another example !  Imagine Liberace directing “Blade Runner”. 
Now,  THAT sums this movie up in a nutshell.  The Good.  The Bad.  And everything in
between.  Ha Ha Ha !!!    
 Love it (or hate it),  this movie really is “avant-garde” .  And if nothing else, it does have
 some MERIT.  For example:  There is a cute monkey !!!  Here at Critical Corner, a monkey
 automatically earns a film an extra point.  Also, ANY venue featuring John Goodman (of
all people) doing “Matrix” style martial arts can’t be that bad.  Some might say such a
thing is the very definition of entertainment.  I’m inclined to agree WHOLEHEARTEDLY.   
Indeed, watching Mr. Goodman defeat a bloodthirsty ninja gave me a real kick !


It’s Daniel From “Critical Corner”…  Quick,  Get The Monkey !!!


 Now let’s throw in a little Susan Sarandon for good measure.  True, these days she’s more
“Rocking Chair” than “Rocky Horror”, but who am I to complain ?  I like her, as well as her
cute co-star Christina Ricci ! 

We follow the adventures of “Speed Racer” (played by Emile Hirsch) as he and his race   
car loving family fight for honor in what turns out to be a pretty high octane film.  Yes,
this flick does “drag” a little bit during the first half hour, (no I’m not talking about “Boy 
George” again). And it probably could have been just a tad shorter.  But it still manages
 to entertain.  The entire audience seemed transfixed, with the possible exception of the
guy in front of me who was having some sort of seizure. 

The family is cute and lovable, and they really have a strong bond reminiscent of what  
“The Brady Bunch” had.  They must all turn their back on a haunting past, in order to 
embrace Speed’s future.  Turns out, his brother was killed in a racing event, and that’s 
what “drives” our hero to go faster (and do better) every time he gets behind the wheel. 
His girlfriend (Ricci) protests, but eventually she sees the light and helps him reach his
next goal: To compete in the “Grand Prix” !  Bad guys GALORE show up and try to thwart
Speed at his every turn…  Fortunately, some dude wearing a kinky leather outfit shows  
up and helps to save the day.  I think they call him “Rated X” (or something like that)…


Leaving His Favorite Leather Bar (Booze Your Daddy),
The Mysterious Rated X Ponders “Auto Erotica”


Many times, I found myself staring at the screen, wide-eyed (and drooling a little bit).
I was saying “Look at the pretty colors” !  “Monkey funny” !  OK, I’m really a sped… 
Oops,  I mean “speed” fan now.  Despite it’s flaws, I liked this flick.  Just think of it all
  as a sour apple blow pop.  You almost hate it, but you put it in your mouth anyway. 

Aside from a couple of bumps in the road, “Speed Racer” manages to stay on track ! 


Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating: “7.5” out of  “10”



Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Iron Man”

Stop !!! (In The Name Of Glove)  

 ~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Soaring High Today:  Iron Man

 Move over Spider, Bat and Super, there’s a new MAN in town !!!

Let’s kick this review off with a startling confession…  One that may shock you…
I was not AT ALL looking forward to seeing “Iron Man”.  There.  I said it. 
(I’m not proud),  but at least it’s out in the open.  Don’t act so surprised.  I’ve
confessed to worse !  And, in regards to that, I have not been to that midget
site since November.

It’s all true I’m afraid (about me not wanting to see the “Iron Man” movie). 
Don’t get me wrong,  I never had anything against the guy per se, but first of  
all what did I really know about him?  Nada.  Zip.  Zilch.  Goose Egg.  Secondly, the
previews left me flat.  Charlie Chaplin running around in a robot suit ?   Just some
average dude running around in armor?  Beavis and Butt-Head style music ?  This
 film had “One Trick Pony” written ALL over it.  And if you ask me, our hero 
kind of looks like a cross between a “Transformer” and a “Teletubbie”. 

Also, as it would seem, “Iron Man” is without “sex appeal”.  Spider-Man has his
tights, Batman has his rubber nipples, and Wonder Woman has her “Wonderbra”
(Plus she ties you up when you’ve been naughty)…   So what on Earth does Iron
Man have ?  Allow me to enlighten you…  He has a nice CAN!!!  (Badomp Bomp) !

Well, it’s now safe to say that ALL of my preconceived notions melted away as I 
 was slowly drawn in (and then completely mesmerized) by this exciting adventure !

First off , we get to learn a little about Tony Stark, (played by Robert Downey Jr.).
Stark is a super rich playboy, who lives the high life. Granted,  the “high” life is not
much of a stretch for Robert …  At any rate, Tony is the owner of a very successful
weapons manufacturing company.  On a trip to the Middle East, he is kidnapped by
terrorists who force him to start building a bomb.  It isn’t long however, before he
himself becomes “Da Bomb” as the super-suited Iron Man !


iron-man-plastic[1] by you.
Remove Your Hand…  I Am NOT A “Coke” Machine !


It’s awesome to watch the spectacle as Tony (dressed in robotic armor)
starts mopping up the dessert with terrorist scum.  Appropriately, the
soundtrack breaks out into heavy metal as (one by one), assorted baddies
are ripped to shreds by this magnificent machine ! 

Seeing the error of his ways, our shiny hero decides to start doing good
with his company, and he wants out of the weapons business.  Unfortunately,
in the process he manages to piss off (of all people) Jeff Bridges.  I don’t know
about you, but I  personally wouldn’t want to mess with Jeff Bridges. 
Of course, hijinks ensue…

Jeff (giving Lex Luthor a run for his money in the bald villain department), decides
the only way to beat a guy in a robot costume is to build a BIGGER robot costume.
What results is one of the most thrilling good guy/bad guy confrontations in recent 
history.  Nuts really start to fly as they bang the HECK out of each other !  

In no time at all, Robert Downey Jr. manages to turn Jeff Bridge’s
Hard Drive into Software !


An Accident During Filming: One Of The Cars From “Speed Racer” Crashed
Onto The “Iron Man” Set.


Now I’ve got to mention the rather gratuitous “love interest”, played (charmingly) 
 by Gwyneth Paltrow.  WOW !  Haven’t seen her in a while.  Nope…  To be honest,    
I’ve never really managed to see her in much of anything.   I do seem to remember  
her being in the movie “Seven”.  She was the head in Brad Pitt’s box !!!  (Not to be
confused with Justin Timberlake’s popular “Saturday Night Live” skit). 

Glancing at IMDB, it appears Paltrow won an Oscar for “Shakespeare In Love”. 
Hmmmph…  Sounds boring.  Granted, “Elizabeth: The Golden Age” looked rather
dull and I LOVED it, but I was kind of forced to see that.  If someone kicks down 
my door and makes me watch “Shakespeare In Love” at gunpoint, then so be it. 
Maybe I will like it.  But until that time I’m going to have to live without.  Pity.

Regardless, Gwyneth is AWESOME in “Iron Man” , (as is everyone else) !!!
And stick around until after the credits, for a pretty sweet cameo from…
? ? ?

Ha Ha !  I’m not going to tell you.  You have got to go see for yourself !
But this movie is worth seeing from start to finish anyway.  Multiple times. 
Robert Downey Jr. has really raised the bar in this genre, doing an incredible job
playing the consummate super hero “alter ego”.  What is really novel about
this film is that it goes against the traditional “isolated and lonely” hero persona.
As a matter of fact, Tony Stark was very lonely UNTIL he became Iron Man !
Talk about IRONY !  Ha Ha !

His robot suit is even complete with a wise-cracking computer system.  It talks
 to him  (and yes, keeps him company) on his missions.  And if that’s not enough,  
Tony even chats with some friends on his cell phone while he is kicking some
butt.  A far cry from “Bat Man” running to the shadows after a battle, sobbing 
his little heart out over his long dead parents.  It’s been what, 40 years now ? 
Get over it.  Get therapy.  Maybe that’s why this poor guy can’t keep a
girlfriend for more than two hours.  No…  Robin doesn’t count.  LOL !!!

“Iron Man” is solid entertainment !  Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto !!!


Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “10” out of “10”




Daniel’s Critical Corner: “I Am Legend”

OUCH !  This “Daniel” Dude Is REALLY Tearing Apart My Movie !

 ~  Hello Everyone  ~ 
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !!!
Under The Microscope Today:  I Am Legend

 This flick had me ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT from start to finish…
Because I couldn’t WAIT to put in a different DVD !!!

“I Am Legend” stars none other than Will Smith.  Popular, yes…
But legend…  NO.  The title (if you ask me) is rather egotistical
and pretentious.  “I Am The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air” has a better
ring to it.

I finally saw this movie at the request of my HORDES of adoring fans,
(Three of the nicest people you will ever meet) !

Ha Ha Ha !  Anyway,

It seems a lot of people have already seen “Legend”, and everybody
just wanted to know what I thought of it…  Well folks, to be quite
honest,  I thunk it stunk !!! 


The Fresh Prince…  In A STALE Movie


To it’s credit, “Legend” starts off strong…  We have Will Smith roaming the
abandoned streets of New York City with his dog “Sam”.  It looks like Smith
is the last man alive on Earth, but he is holding on to the hope that he will
find someone still breathing…  Apparently a virus of sorts took over the
world, killing (maybe) everyone.  For reasons unexplained, our friend is
immune to it…

As it turns out, a small percentage of people did survive the initial outbreak…
But most of them have become zombies, and they want to EAT Will Smith ALIVE !
(But then again, who doesn’t) ?

These “zombies” are CGI at it’s worst…  They ALL look like Sinead O’Connor, and
they have a strange penchant for wearing cut-off jeans.  The guy zombies all go
without shirts, and the girl zombies wear sports bras.  They are supposed to only
be “rabid”, but all of them seem to have Super Zombie Powers.




“Legend’s” zombies leap tall buildings in a single bound, and do more
acrobats than a “Cirque Du Soleil” troupe.  They even cling to ceilings !
But they have a weakness…  SUNLIGHT.  Just like vampires, they can only
come out at night.  Good idea.  The effects in this movie are so lame it’s
better to keep em’ in the dark.

Now, I’m a big fan of zombie flicks, (old AND new).  However, I must
draw the line somewhere.  Take “Night of the Living Dead”, for example…
GREAT movie.  A Classic !  Or how about “28 Days Later”…?  A new twist on
an old tale…  THOSE zombies were cool.  Even the zombies in “Shaun of the
Dead” were kind of creepy.  But the “Legend” zombies…  PATHETIC !
Scare Factor:  ZERO.

Did I mention that these “rabid” zombies are actually smart ?  They set
traps, hold grudges, and answer to an “Alpha-Zombie” (who seems to be
their leader).  But it raises the question:  How does one become a
“Zombie Leader” ?

Do they vote ?  Are they required to have at least two years prior zombie
experience?  Do you have to be DEAD to be a zombie leader…?  Could you
get away with discriminating against the living ?  Does a win in Pennsylvania
guarantee you will go all the way?  Hmmm…

So during the day, Smith walks around New York with his dog and makes
friends with mannequins.  That’s right…  MANNEQUINS.  He even becomes
real good pals with one he has named “Fred”.  It’s sort of like Tom Hanks in
“Cast Away”, making friends with that ball.

I guess if I were all by myself, I’d probably make friends with something strange…
  But it wouldn’t be with mannequins (or balls).  I think I would make friends with a
 really nice shrub.  I’d water it, talk to it, and name it “Joe”.

Anyway, as the movie “progresses”, we are hit with a couple of chilling
plot twists…


WARNING Plot Spoilers Ahead !


“Sam” is actually…  A Female !  (“Sam” is short for “Samantha”) !!!

It’s kind of like “The Crying Game”, (minus the Boy George tune).
And besides, Smith already knew the dog was a girl the entire time,
so he doesn’t throw up or anything.

OK, if that’s not enough “twist” for you…  Smith is not ALONE.
Turns out some chick with an accent (and some kid who does not
speak) are running around New York alive and well.  Go figure.
The woman loves God, and has a butterfly tattoo.  She also (for
some strange reason) has never heard of “Bob Marley”.  That’s all
we find out about her.  I guess that’s all we need to know.

We never learn why the kid doesn’t talk, he just sort of walks around
in shock.  LAME.  Probably because of that writer’s strike.  If he spoke,
they wold have to pay him an extra five dollars or something.  Everyone was
affected by that darn strike !  They turned the “Golden Globes” into nothing
more than “Tarnished Turds”.


Damn !  I’m Not Trying To Cross THAT Picket Line Again…!


There is one sad scene where Smith and Sam are attacked by “zombie dogs”.
Yep.  Zombie dogs.  Poor Sam does not obey her owner, and instead of getting
in the car like she is told, she gets CHEWED UP.  Proof once more that even in
a post-apocalyptic world, leash laws should still apply.

Of course, along the way we get to hear some stellar quotes from Will Smith !

Such As:

“I like Shrek”…

“I was saving that bacon”…

“The cure is in her blood”…

Well, being from the 80’s, “The Cure” is in my blood as well.  Also you
will find some “Depeche Mode” and a little “Bananarama”.  LOL !!!

One thing is for sure:  Where there is a “Will”, there is a way…
To make money.  Yes, Smith is a good actor.  But these days
he just seems to be in the Pursuit of Crappyness.

I Am Legend…?  No.  I’m afraid not.  YOU are another bad movie.


Would I Recommend This  ?  NO

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “6” out of “10”