OUCH ! This “Daniel” Dude Is REALLY Tearing Apart My Movie !
~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !!!
Under The Microscope Today: I Am Legend
This flick had me ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT from start to finish…
Because I couldn’t WAIT to put in a different DVD !!!
“I Am Legend” stars none other than Will Smith. Popular, yes…
But legend… NO. The title (if you ask me) is rather egotistical
and pretentious. “I Am The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air” has a better
ring to it.
I finally saw this movie at the request of my HORDES of adoring fans,
(Three of the nicest people you will ever meet) !
Ha Ha Ha ! Anyway,
It seems a lot of people have already seen “Legend”, and everybody
just wanted to know what I thought of it… Well folks, to be quite
honest, I thunk it stunk !!!
The Fresh Prince… In A STALE Movie
To it’s credit, “Legend” starts off strong… We have Will Smith roaming the
abandoned streets of New York City with his dog “Sam”. It looks like Smith
is the last man alive on Earth, but he is holding on to the hope that he will
find someone still breathing… Apparently a virus of sorts took over the
world, killing (maybe) everyone. For reasons unexplained, our friend is
immune to it…
As it turns out, a small percentage of people did survive the initial outbreak…
But most of them have become zombies, and they want to EAT Will Smith ALIVE !
(But then again, who doesn’t) ?
These “zombies” are CGI at it’s worst… They ALL look like Sinead O’Connor, and
they have a strange penchant for wearing cut-off jeans. The guy zombies all go
without shirts, and the girl zombies wear sports bras. They are supposed to only
be “rabid”, but all of them seem to have Super Zombie Powers.
Sinead OF THE DEAD
“Legend’s” zombies leap tall buildings in a single bound, and do more
acrobats than a “Cirque Du Soleil” troupe. They even cling to ceilings !
But they have a weakness… SUNLIGHT. Just like vampires, they can only
come out at night. Good idea. The effects in this movie are so lame it’s
better to keep em’ in the dark.
Now, I’m a big fan of zombie flicks, (old AND new). However, I must
draw the line somewhere. Take “Night of the Living Dead”, for example…
GREAT movie. A Classic ! Or how about “28 Days Later”…? A new twist on
an old tale… THOSE zombies were cool. Even the zombies in “Shaun of the
Dead” were kind of creepy. But the “Legend” zombies… PATHETIC !
Scare Factor: ZERO.
Did I mention that these “rabid” zombies are actually smart ? They set
traps, hold grudges, and answer to an “Alpha-Zombie” (who seems to be
their leader). But it raises the question: How does one become a
“Zombie Leader” ?
Do they vote ? Are they required to have at least two years prior zombie
experience? Do you have to be DEAD to be a zombie leader…? Could you
get away with discriminating against the living ? Does a win in Pennsylvania
guarantee you will go all the way? Hmmm…
So during the day, Smith walks around New York with his dog and makes
friends with mannequins. That’s right… MANNEQUINS. He even becomes
real good pals with one he has named “Fred”. It’s sort of like Tom Hanks in
“Cast Away”, making friends with that ball.
I guess if I were all by myself, I’d probably make friends with something strange…
But it wouldn’t be with mannequins (or balls). I think I would make friends with a
really nice shrub. I’d water it, talk to it, and name it “Joe”.
Anyway, as the movie “progresses”, we are hit with a couple of chilling
WARNING: Plot Spoilers Ahead !
“Sam” is actually… A Female ! (“Sam” is short for “Samantha”) !!!
It’s kind of like “The Crying Game”, (minus the Boy George tune).
And besides, Smith already knew the dog was a girl the entire time,
so he doesn’t throw up or anything.
OK, if that’s not enough “twist” for you… Smith is not ALONE.
Turns out some chick with an accent (and some kid who does not
speak) are running around New York alive and well. Go figure.
The woman loves God, and has a butterfly tattoo. She also (for
some strange reason) has never heard of “Bob Marley”. That’s all
we find out about her. I guess that’s all we need to know.
We never learn why the kid doesn’t talk, he just sort of walks around
in shock. LAME. Probably because of that writer’s strike. If he spoke,
they wold have to pay him an extra five dollars or something. Everyone was
affected by that darn strike ! They turned the “Golden Globes” into nothing
more than “Tarnished Turds”.
Damn ! I’m Not Trying To Cross THAT Picket Line Again…!
There is one sad scene where Smith and Sam are attacked by “zombie dogs”.
Yep. Zombie dogs. Poor Sam does not obey her owner, and instead of getting
in the car like she is told, she gets CHEWED UP. Proof once more that even in
a post-apocalyptic world, leash laws should still apply.
Of course, along the way we get to hear some stellar quotes from Will Smith !
“I like Shrek”…
“I was saving that bacon”…
“The cure is in her blood”…
Well, being from the 80’s, “The Cure” is in my blood as well. Also you
will find some “Depeche Mode” and a little “Bananarama”. LOL !!!
One thing is for sure: Where there is a “Will”, there is a way…
To make money. Yes, Smith is a good actor. But these days
he just seems to be in the Pursuit of Crappyness.
I Am Legend…? No. I’m afraid not. YOU are another bad movie.
Would I Recommend This ? NO
Daniel’s Critical Rating: “6” out of “10”