Who You Callin’ A “Pretty Boy” ???
~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s Impossibly Long Title: The Chronicles of
Narnia: Prince Caspian
WOW ! Check out that moniker ! It takes up the entire top of my page !
What is with that exactly ? Couldn’t they have just called it Narnia 2 and
been done with it? I mean, when I went to get my ticket, I didn’t say “Hi
there, one adult for The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian please”. Yes,
I could have said that, but that would have made me look like a big TWIT.
Nope. “One for Narnia please” was just enough to get the point across.
Hmmm… I suppose “Narnia Dos” would’ve worked as well…
Regardless, “The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian” still manages to
be a little less of a mouthful than “Harry Potter and the Nursing Home
in Phoenix” (or wherever Daniel Radclliffe is retiring too).
Enough about the title, let’s get to the movie !!!
We begin with a horrible scream… (No, not from someone in the audience). A
woman is giving birth in a castle, and we realize this baby is an heir to a throne
of some sort. Something is then mentioned in passing about the “Caspian Clan”…
Moments later, we see a different woman (in bed and apparently in the same castle). She
is notabley young and beautiful, with what appears to be perfect hair. Someone sneaks
into her chambers, then a hand claps over her mouth to keep her from yelling. It turns
out that the woman is none other than Prince Caspian ! (Yea, I know that’s confusing).
I thought he was a chick at first glance. Dude looks like a lady.
Anyway, some old guy dressed as Santa Claus ushers the prince out of the castle,
fearing that his life is in danger… Low and behold, it is ! The aforementioned baby
can’t become king if our pal Caspian is alive and kicking. The baby’s daddy is the
main villain in this picture, a guy with a penchant for power who looks like an ugly
(and perhaps retarded) version of Leonidas from “300” !
Our hero runs into the woods, where he finds some midgets and other freaks.
And that’s when he gets REAL horny !!! Allow me to elaborate… (He grabs a
horn given to him by Santa Claus). He starts blowing the heck out of it, while
one of the midgets beats him over the head. Sounds WILD, I know. And all of
this in a “PG” film !!!
He Sees You When You’re Sleeping…
(Through This Movie)
Suddenly, like magic, the brats from the prior installment are sucked out of England
and into the land of Narnia. (That’s where the horn tootin’ prince lives). Let’s see, if
memory serves me correctly we have “Lucy”, “Peter”, “Schlepo” and “What’s Her Face”.
Hmmm… Close enough. The group is glad to be back at first, but they soon realize
that more than a thousand years has passed in NST (Narnia Standard Time) since their
last visit. The world that they once knew now officially sucks. Bad guys have
overtaken the land, and everything is in ruin !
So the gang of young kings and queens who once defeated the “Ice Witch” (or
whatever she was called) must join forces with Prince Crapstain to save the day !
They decide to once more enlist the aid of strange looking creatures and assorted
oddballs. They befriend a cute little talking mouse that wears a feather and slits
people’s throats like butter… (Lovely). They also search for their old pal, Aslan
the Lion ! Not an easy guy to get in touch with. He’s terrible about returning
messages (and that’s if you are lucky enough to even get his voice mail).
In one touching scene, the youngest girl sees a lion on a rock and runs up to him,
crying. As everyone cheers, she wraps her arms around the noble animal. In a flash,
the lion bites off her head. One of the other kids screams and runs up with a sword,
but he looses his arm as everyone shoots arrows at the enraged BEAST.
LOL ! OK, it didn’t go down quite like that (if this were MY movie, that’s what
would probably happen). Maybe it’s a good thing they haven’t called me to do
“Narnia Tres”. Yes, of course the little girl finds Aslan (voiced by Liam Neeson),
and it’s all smiles and butterflies after that.
But not before there is a good deal of action and bloodshed. These little kids go to
battle and kill several people. A couple of them are dressed in full adult armor, and
they look just plain silly. It’s also hard to believe that they are strong enough to beat
some of the evil warriors that come their way, (either hand to hand or sword to sword).
Cute animals are found donning knives and such, and join in on the bloodbath. Kind
of strange actually.
Granted, the effects are brilliant, and this movie is faster paced compared to the
first. Truth be told, I liked this installment a tad better… And of course, it is
(big surprise) DARKER. That’s the rule these days. If a studio makes a successful
kid’s fantasy film, each sequel has to get darker and darker with a higher
A Group Of Undecided Superdelegates Prepare
To Meet With Hillary Clinton…
And now, for your “entertainment” (if you can call it that), here is an example
of a “generic” kid’s fantasy movie script (complete with sequels).
Generic Kid’s Fantasy Movie
Little Girl: “What a pretty rainbow”.
Goat-Head Creature: “Yes, and such a nice day as well” !
Little Girl: “What a magical land” !
Generic Kid’s Fantasy Movie Part 2
Little Girl: “It’s raining.”
Goat-Head Creature: “There is evil afoot.”
Little Girl: “And the bad sorcerer killed Puppy-Face” !
Goat-Head Creature: “Awww… He was so cute” !
Little Girl: “He was actually more than just cute . He
represented the plight of starving animals
around the world” !!!
Generic Kid’s Fantasy Movie Part 3 (The Final Chapter)
Goat-Head Creature: “What the heck happened to you” ?
Little Girl: “What do you mean” ?
Goat-Head Creature: “You are like what, 40 years old now,
and still wearing pigtails” ?
Little Girl: “You have been possessed by the evil one
like all of the others. Now you must DIE” !!!
Goat-Head Creature: “Nooooooo” !
(The little girl stabs Goat-Head Creature with the “Dagger of Truth”.
His blood splatters onto the camera. As it drips off, we see the
rainbow again from the first film, but this time with a new clarity).
The End. Ha Ha ! (I’m sure you get my drift…)
Now, the “Narnia” books by C.S. Lewis are truly an achievement in literature.
I read all of them many years ago, (and was impressed). I just don’t remember
them being quite as intense in comparison to this film… Can you believe they
actually swat an innocent midget in this flick ? Hey… Get your minds out of the
gutter !!! I said “swat” not “SWAP”.
In all fairness, “Narnia” isn’t that bad… It’s just another run of the mill fantasy
film sequel that tries to focus on more “grown up” themes than it’s predecessor.
And with so much action, there is absolutley NO room for character growth.
(Unless you count the beauty mole on Caspian’s lip).
“The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian” is perfect fodder for the dollar
movies, and I ain’t Lion !
Would I Recommend This ? No
Daniel’s Critical Rating: “6.5” out of “10”