No, The Pregnancy Has NOT Made Me MOODY !
~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today: If I Wanted To See “The Matrix”
I Would Have Rented It !
Dear readers, I fear the end is near. I must type this quickly, so forgive
me for any misspellings or errors. I think they’ve found me… I can hear
them all outside… Chanting my name… Calling for my blood ! How did
they find out where I live ? How do they know I’m in here ? Might be the
glow from my computer screen… But the truth MUST be told. You see,
I’m one of the only critics on the planet that DIDN’T like “Wanted”.
Oh my GOD ! What was that ? They just tossed a grenade in my window !!!
Hold on… TAKE THAT YOU CRITIC FREAKS !!! Ha ! I tossed it back at em’ !
Ugh, I missed and hit my neighbor’s poodle. Shame. Hasta la vista, Fifi.
Look at them out there ! They have torches… Pitchforks… Some of them are
actually wearing scarves… What is that woman holding ? Is that a chicken ?
Oh come on ! AAAAAA ! There’s a red dot on my forehead ! This is it !!!
I’m done for ! Tell my Mom I love her, and I forgive her for liking
“Van Helsing” !
They pulled the trigger ! My head shall be blown off ! The bullet is crashing
through the glass ! AAAAAAaaaa… Um… Hold on a second… This bullet seems
to be moving reaaaalllly slow. Hmmm. Any time now. La La La… Ha ! FOOLS !
I’ve got about five minutes before that bad boy hits me. And then, I’ll probably
just move out of the way. How sweet, they actually took the time to carve
my name into it. Nice touch !
Yes, it’s true. EVERYONE just loves “Wanted”. I can’t walk down the street
without people saying “Wanted” this and “Wanted” that. Hmmmph. I was
quite shocked when I read all of the positive reviews. Wait… I know ! There
is ONE critic that I can count on to back me up ! ONE critic who will not let
me down ! I’m gonna call him right now. Hold on… It’s ringing… Funny…
One of the rioters outside (some guy with a chainsaw), his phone is going
off… NO ! IT CAN’T BE !
Et tu, Roger Ebert ? Et tu ?
“Wanted” starts off promising enough. I actually got a laugh or two out
of it, as star James McAvoy seems to playing an “everyman” that we can
relate to. The movie sort of starts off like “Office Space”, with a humble
accountant facing problems at work. But seven minutes or so into the
movie, it takes a dive SOUTH and never lets up. Let me tell you why…
Warning: Spoilers Ahead. Drive Carefully.
(And Watch Out For Those PLOT HOLES) !
In a few minutes time, we learn that our “hero” (James McAvoy) is more of a
DOORMAT than an “everyman”. He does whatever his evil boss tells him to do
and his girlfriend walks all over him. He ends up getting SUPERPOWERS, but,
though and behold, he is STILL a doormat. He does what his new evil boss
tells him to do, and his new girlfriend (Angelina Jolie) walks all over him.
James never knew his father. According to his new boss, (played by Morgan
Freeman) James has secret “assassin” powers (like his dad). The boss man
(who James has known for all of five minutes) tells him that his pops has been
smoked by a bad guy, and it’s up to James to bring him down. But, before he
is ready for that big task, he must kill several people that Morgan says are
“dangerous”. Rather suspect if you ask me.
Several “Fight Club” inspired scenes unfold, as James is inducted into the
secret sect of assassins. They punch him. They stab him. They call him
names. And then they teach him how to make rugs. Not kidding. Turns
out these assassins are actually weavers (no relation to Sigourney).
There are tons of hints that the “Dad Killer” is really (surprise surprise) THE
LONG LOST FATHER. Despite the hints, and despite the fact that this dude
saves James from falling out of a train, he gets shot by his own son. As
he dies, he says “I am your father” . Someone in the theater actually gasped
at that part. I wanted to hit her with my pickle !!! (Be warned, I do have a
licence to dill). Didn’t anyone see the big, blinking neon sign over the guy
that said “Hello, this is your DAD” ?
I just couldn’t cheer for our “anti hero”. He only figures out things by
being told. And, for that matter he believes anything that is told to him.
Of course, he has killed several innocent people, but now he is having a
hissy fit and is bent on revenge. So he kills more folks, (granted this time
they are not so innocent). What does this guy use to masacre everyone ?
Rats outfitted with little bombs. Sigh… Talk about poorly executed !
Get Out Of My Pants… This Isn’t “Hancock” !
To wind things down, James McAvoy addresses the people in the audience,
and basically tells them to F**K off. NICE. But there is so much more to
this film than that. There are the thrilling, state-of-the-art special effects !
Car chases AND plenty of bullets spinning around in slow motion !!! I am
twirling my finger in the air right now. Original… Yes. Back in 1999 ! Keanu
Reeves did this stuff soooo much better. There is LOTS of sex and violence
though. (And we do see Angelina’s butt-crack) ! It must be said however,
a butt-crack does not a good movie make.
One last thing… If someone knows the answer to this, let me know. Why
did they call this movie “Wanted” ? There are no “fugitives” per se. No one is
running from the law really. Yes, I realize that the comic book this flick was
based on does share the same title. Nonetheless, they should have called it
“Revenge”. Or perhaps “Angelina Jolie’s Butt-Crack”. Or maybe even
“The Matrix Rides Again” !
* Editor’s note: Just last week I had the pleasure of meeting Common,
the Grammy award winning rapper turned actor who plays the assassin
“Gunsmith”. Cool guy. And he really is awesome in “Wanted”. Granted,
I was quick to talk about his great role in “Smokin’ Aces”. He knew I
didn’t like “Wanted”, but something tells me he isn’t going to loose
any sleep over it. LOL !!!
Hmmm… Still looks like I have a bullet to dodge and an angry mob to
I’m sticking to my guns! “Wanted” puts the ASS back in ASSASSIN !
Would I Recommend This ? No
Daniel’s Critical Rating: “5” out of “10”