Daniel's Critical Corner

July 7, 2008

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Wanted”

Filed under: Reviews — Daniel @ 8:00 pm
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No, The Pregnancy Has NOT Made Me MOODY !
                                                        

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today:  If I Wanted To See “The Matrix”
I Would Have Rented It !

Dear readers, I fear the end is near.  I must type this quickly, so forgive
me for any misspellings or errors.  I think they’ve found me…  I can hear
them all outside…  Chanting my name…  Calling for my blood !  How did
they find out where I live ?  How do they know I’m in here ?  Might be the
glow from my computer screen…  But the truth MUST be told.  You see,
I’m one of the only critics on the planet that DIDN’T like “Wanted”. 

  Oh my GOD !  What was that ?  They just tossed a grenade in my window !!! 
Hold on…  TAKE THAT YOU CRITIC FREAKS !!!  Ha !  I tossed it back at em’ ! 
Ugh, I missed and hit my neighbor’s poodle.  Shame.  Hasta la vista, Fifi.   
Look at them out there !  They have torches…  Pitchforks…  Some of them are
actually wearing scarves…  What is that woman holding ?  Is that a chicken ? 
Oh come on !   AAAAAA !  There’s a red dot on my forehead !  This is it !!! 
I’m done for !  Tell my Mom I love her, and I forgive her for liking
“Van Helsing” !

They pulled the trigger !  My head shall be blown off !  The bullet is crashing
through the glass !  AAAAAAaaaa…  Um…  Hold on a second…  This bullet seems
to be moving reaaaalllly slow.  Hmmm.  Any time now.  La La La…  Ha !  FOOLS !  
I’ve got about five minutes before that bad boy hits me.  And then, I’ll probably
just move out of the way.  How sweet, they actually took the time to carve
my name into it.  Nice touch !

Yes, it’s true.  EVERYONE just loves “Wanted”.  I can’t walk down the street
without people saying “Wanted” this and “Wanted” that.  Hmmmph.  I was
quite shocked when I read all of the positive reviews.  Wait… I know !  There
is ONE critic that I can count on to back me up !  ONE critic who will not let  
me down !  I’m gonna call him right now.  Hold on…  It’s ringing…  Funny…  
One of the rioters outside (some guy with a chainsaw), his phone is going
off…  NO !  IT CAN’T BE ! 

Et tu,  Roger Ebert ?  Et tu ?

“Wanted” starts off promising enough.  I actually got a laugh or two out
    of it, as star James McAvoy seems to playing an “everyman” that we can    
relate to.  The movie sort of starts off like “Office Space”, with a humble
accountant facing problems at work.  But seven minutes or so into the 
movie, it takes a dive SOUTH and never lets up.  Let me tell you why… 

 


Warning:  Spoilers Ahead.  Drive Carefully.
(And Watch Out For Those PLOT HOLES) !

 

  In a few minutes time, we learn that our “hero” (James McAvoy) is more of a
DOORMAT than an “everyman”.  He does whatever his evil boss tells him to do
and his girlfriend walks all over him.  He ends up getting SUPERPOWERS, but, 
though and behold, he is STILL a doormat.  He does what his new evil boss
tells him to do, and his new girlfriend (Angelina Jolie) walks all over him.   

 James never knew his father.  According to his new boss,  (played by Morgan
Freeman) James has secret “assassin” powers (like his dad).  The boss man   
(who James has known for all of five minutes) tells him that his pops has been
smoked by a bad guy, and it’s up to James to bring him down.  But, before he  
is ready for that big task, he must kill several people that Morgan says are
“dangerous”.   Rather suspect if you ask me. 

Several “Fight Club” inspired scenes unfold, as James is inducted into the
secret sect of assassins.  They punch him.  They stab him.  They call him 
names.  And then they teach him how to make rugs.  Not kidding.  Turns  
out these assassins are actually weavers (no relation to Sigourney).  

There are tons of hints that the “Dad Killer” is really (surprise surprise) THE
LONG LOST FATHER.  Despite the hints, and despite the fact that this dude
saves James from falling out of a train, he gets shot by his own son.  As   
he dies, he says “I am your father” .  Someone in the theater actually gasped
at that part.  I wanted to hit her with my pickle !!!  (Be warned, I do have a 
licence to dill).  Didn’t anyone see the big, blinking neon sign over the guy 
that said “Hello, this is your DAD” ? 

I just couldn’t cheer for our “anti hero”.  He only figures out things by
being told.  And, for that matter he believes anything that is told to him. 
Of course,  he has killed several innocent people, but now he is having a
hissy fit and is bent on revenge.  So he kills more folks, (granted this time
they are not so innocent).  What does this guy use to masacre everyone ?
Rats outfitted with little bombs.    Sigh…  Talk about poorly executed !

 


Get Out Of My Pants…  This Isn’t “Hancock” !  


   To wind things down, James McAvoy addresses the people in the audience,
and basically tells them to F**K off.  NICE.  But there is so much more to 
this film than that.  There are the thrilling, state-of-the-art special effects ! 
Car chases AND plenty of bullets spinning around in slow motion !!!  I am  
twirling my finger in the air right now.  Original… Yes.  Back in 1999 !  Keanu
Reeves did this stuff soooo much better. There is LOTS of sex and violence
though.  (And we do see Angelina’s butt-crack) !  It must be said however, 
a butt-crack does not a good movie make.     

One last thing…  If someone knows the answer to this, let me know.  Why
did they call this movie “Wanted” ?  There are no “fugitives” per se.  No one is
running from the law really.  Yes, I realize that the comic book this flick was 
 based on does share the same title.  Nonetheless, they should have called it  
“Revenge”.  Or perhaps  “Angelina Jolie’s Butt-Crack”.  Or maybe even 
“The Matrix Rides Again” ! 

* Editor’s note:  Just last week I had the pleasure of meeting Common,
the Grammy award winning rapper turned actor who plays the assassin
“Gunsmith”.  Cool guy.  And he really is awesome in “Wanted”.  Granted,
I was quick to talk about his great role in “Smokin’ Aces”.  He knew I
didn’t like  “Wanted”, but something tells me he isn’t going to loose 
any sleep over it.   LOL !!!

Hmmm…  Still looks like I have a bullet to dodge and an angry mob to
deal with.

I’m sticking to my guns!  “Wanted” puts the ASS back in ASSASSIN !

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating: “5” out of “10”

 

 

11 Comments »

  1. Wow…where do I even start. Is it the License to Dill or the ass back in assassin? Too funny, darlin.

    I’m glad you said this movie was utterly predictable and had pretty much been done before. I’ve had a feeling that my ex-husband was going to drag me to go see this so he could stare at Angelina Jolie for 2 hours (and I have to buy my own ticket these days!).

    Now I can politely say that someone I “know” has seen it and said it wasn’t good. Yay! Thank you!

    Comment by Lady Jaye — July 8, 2008 @ 7:20 am | Reply

  2. This one definitely looks like a “renter”. I guess as a genre movie fan I’ll have to see this one eventually, especially since they are already talking TRILOGY… joy.

    Comment by russ — July 8, 2008 @ 8:23 am | Reply

  3. On my list of Top 40 Comic Book Movies, I ranked it #28; better than X-Men: The Last Stand but not as good as Daredevil. I didn’t think it was the greatest thing since sliced bullets, but as James O’Ehley said, “Wanted is bull****, but it’s inventive bull****…” Sure, it’s hard to hear the great Morgan Freeman being all serious about the “Loom of Fate” only to say “Shoot THIS motherf*&%er!” a while later, but I’ll play capture the flag on top of a moving train with Angelina Jolie (and her butt crack) any day of the week, my friend.

    Comment by sophosmoros — July 8, 2008 @ 3:16 pm | Reply

  4. I’m thinking you didn’t like it. But that’s okay. I definately see your side of it. The weaver thing was a little thin and it IS a ripoff of The Matrix and Die Hard and quite a few other films. For me, movies like this are easier to take after digesting a worst film previously. I had just seen The Happening and needed some good old fashioned blow-em-up, popcorn and soda matinee action. This movie was there for me. I had a fun time watching it purely as an action film, not because it made any sense. If you are in the mood for a movie that makes sense, “Wanted” is definately NOT the movie to see. But much like Die Hard 4 last summer, this flick filled the void nicely until The Dark Knight comes out in a couple of weeks. 2 things it has going for it…Angelina’s behind and a new Danny Elfman tune (which are both pretty damn sweet!). Name it what you want…but I’ll go with “Wanted: Butt Crack”. It works for me! LOL

    Nice review dude!

    Comment by alntv — July 9, 2008 @ 4:39 am | Reply

  5. As always your reviews are more entertaining than any of these movies I’ll never see. Wait, was that a compliment…. ;-P LOL….
    Well, in any case please give Peter Fonda, Warren Oates, Loretta Swit and Alice Stewart a final hug there in the ol’ trailer as you “Race with the Devil”…

    Comment by Aaron — July 10, 2008 @ 4:40 pm | Reply

  6. Nice to see you…

    Comment by Gayle — July 11, 2008 @ 9:54 pm | Reply

  7. OK>>>>LOL!!! Actually another great review. I love how you describe the angry reviewers and critics. You are by far the most colorful and expressive critic. That was Fabuloso..And I mean FABULOSO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Comment by Gayle — July 11, 2008 @ 9:57 pm | Reply

  8. How do I express how upset I was? What upsets me the most? That I know what’s coming next or the brainless hero? I think you are wonderful, flattering pictures just say it all ha ha. Once again, another great review!!!

    Comment by Vanessa — July 14, 2008 @ 11:33 pm | Reply

  9. Thanks to EVERYONE for all of the wonderful comments !

    I just finished my high school reunion (20), so I’m
    sorry for not responding sooner… What a great time.
    I had a BLAST !!!

    * Lady Jaye… I’ve said it once,
    I’ll say it again… YOU ROCK.

    * Russ… Don’t rent it.
    wait for it to show on TV.

    * Sophosmoros, Alan…
    I respect you guys for
    standing “behind” Angelina
    Jolie.

    * Aaron… Great (albeit obscure)
    reference. I’m still laughing !

    * Gayle… Thank You 🙂

    * Vanessa… I feel your pain !!! LOL !

    Comment by Daniel's Critical Corner — July 14, 2008 @ 11:40 pm | Reply

  10. I liked it…but it was very obvious that Wanted is based on an anime… like in the scene where he’s shoot with a guy’s head stuck on his gun.

    Yiiiyah!

    Pfft. But no, it was fun. I think it’s called Wanted because the main character is wanted by assassins and the mysterious killer/dad.

    Comment by dennisjansen — July 22, 2008 @ 2:45 am | Reply

  11. Double pfft. I just “Wanted” to leave the theatre. LOL ! 😉

    Comment by Daniel's Critical Corner — July 22, 2008 @ 8:54 am | Reply


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