Daniel’s Critical Corner: “The X-Files: I Want To Believe”

 xfilesmoviepic2[2] by you.
Matthew McConaughey Did What With A Placenta ? 

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s Investigation:  The X-Files:
I Want To Believe

As the sun reflected in her dewy eyes, the beautiful woman
with the auburn hair looked longingly out the window.  Ever
patient, she tried to quell the deep aching in her heart.  Soon
he would come.  Her wet, thirsty desires quenched. 

They always came.  She was not to be denied.  The Cable Guy,
The Plumber, The TV Repairman, and yes, even the Postman. 
  He never had to ring twice.  (The key was left under the mat).  
And then there was the pool boy…  The NAUGHTY pool boy.
 Felipe.  He didn’t speak English but they both spoke the
language of love.

And now, there was the FBI agent.  Rugged.  Rough.  He
didn’t play by the rules, not like the others.  And this drove 
her insane.  Could she break him ?  Only time would tell…
Then a sound…  A car pulling into the driveway.  He had

Soon, forbidden passion would become a reality.  She could 
see his silhouette against the setting sun.  A man, standing
proud and sure.  The man she desired, the man who desired 
her.  He doesn’t knock.  He doesn’t use the key.  He kicks
 down the door, and within moments rips his shirt off.  He is 
    older than she.  Mature.  Knowledgeable.  Ready to teach her   
things…  Ready to tell her…

“Scully, we have a new case.  Get in the car, let’s go” !

What the heck ?  I can’t tell you how disappointed I was when 
this dude said that ! I thought this film was “X-Rated”.  Boy,  
was I in for a surprise.  Everyone in this movie has the acting
talent of a vegetable.  Talk about “soft corn” !!!  And the only
boob we get to see is in the form of David Duchovny. 
(Granted, he is quite supple) !  

David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are back once again   
as “Mold” and “Scrubby”,  trying to recapture some of the  
magic from the long dead “X-Files” series.  And let me tell 
you, they should have left well enough alone !  Anderson is 
starting to look like a cross between Jodie Foster and Margot 
Kidder…  Not the SEXY “Superman” Margot Kidder mind you, 
but the Margot Kidder of TODAY.  Duchovny has held up well, 
probably because he sold his soul to the devil in the third 


 1528464983_76fae9857c[1].jpg_v=0 by you.

^ Margot Kidder: Then


pic[1].php_u=20822BEecP&i=712957 by you.

^ Margot Kidder: Now


At any rate, these two are flushed out of retirement and
into each others arms to crack yet another mysterious case. 
An FBI agent is missing, and women are turning up dead in a
snowy West Virginia town.  The only person who may be   
able to help them is an old priest who has done time for
child molesting.

This priest is really a creep, and to be honest he looks like a
character out of a really bad Stephen King movie.  One of the 
made-for-TV stinkers.  His hair is really lame and he runs like
Forrest Gump.

Well, he has “visions”.  He says there are two men responsible
for the murders.  The same men have kidnapped the FBI agent
who went missing.  Whenever the priest has a premonition, his
eyes bleed.  (My eyes did the same thing while watching this
awful flick).

There is indeed a shroud of mystery in “The X-Files: I Want
To Believe”.  What monster is behind the grizzly trail of body
parts being left to taunt the FBI ?  What vile creature could be
so callus ?  Aliens probably.  No.  I wish.  Warning:  Here are 
the spoilers…  The terrifying “evil” plaguing our heroes is  
none other than…

Homosexuals that got married in Massachusetts !  AAAAHHHH !

No.  I’m not one of those crazy “ballot people” from California. 
I’m telling you the truth.  It’s out there.  The “X-File’s” movie 
monsters are a legally married gay couple from Massachusetts.  
That’s not very “PC”.  I felt like reporting this movie to “La Bamba”
(or whatever they’re called). Or “Daddies Against Discrimination”. 
Or even  “The Rainbow Connection”.   

OK.  We are already going downhill here, but let’s not stop until 
we hit rock bottom.  The couple seems to have been turned to
the “dark side” because they were molested by the psychic 
priest as children.

Since they are gay, of course, these guys really want to be WOMEN. 
Whatever.  One of them is a brilliant scientist or something, and he  
creates a two-headed dog !!!  Suddenly, while looking at his strange 
“double dogger”,  he gets the BRIGHT idea to surgically put his head
on a woman’s body.  He tries, to some success.  But (giggle), the  
bodies keep rejecting his noggin ! So, if at first you don’t succeed,
die, die again.   

All the while this is going on, we have to suffer through our heroes
trying to rekindle their romance, Duchovny going on and on about
his long lost sister, and a heated banter about stem cell research.


x_files_main[2] by you.
Be Honest…  Do I Sort Of Look Like “Han Solo”  ? 


When we finally get to the climax, it’s hard to keep a straight face ! 
I wanted to laugh as “The Bride Of Dragenstein” comes off the slab.  
We have a wrinkled guy’s head on a sewn together woman’s body, 
sporting a truly impressive manicure (and painted nails). Then, the    
ugly thing lunges at the camera in a typical “scare” moment.  Don’t
get me wrong, I’m glad to see Cher back on the big screen but this
is just ridiculous.

This flick is such an affront to anyone with good taste.  The 
leads are obviously all bored, it’s ultra-low budget and they
actually turn the molester into some sort of glorified “hero” at
  the end.  He does however, drop dead.  Turns out he had lung  
cancer.  This character doesn’t cough even once, and he runs 
through the snow on more than one occasion like an Olympic
 Athlete.  Then BOOM.  Dead.  A heart attack would have made
 sense…  But this film isn’t about sense.

It’s about “Friends of Dorothy” Devising Diabolical
Decapitations !!!

There is one clever moment in the entire movie, (when they  
show a picture of George W. Bush and play the “X-Files” theme
music).  But after that, clever goes out the window, and in    
crawls the sex change patient from HELL.  No, I’m not talking 
about Nancy Pelosi.  LOL !!!  Ugh…  From what I’ve heard, the  
sequel isn’t going to be much better… 

Desiring to know what it feels like to “win”, Hillary Clinton tries
to get her head put on Brett Favre.  But this is done legally, and
money changes hands.  Hillary gives Brett a crisp new dollar bill
(for a 75 cent operation),  just so she can get a quaterback. 

“I Want To Believe”?  Hmmmph.  More like I want to throw up.


Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “2.5” out of “10”



Daniel’s Critical Corner: “The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor”

3[1] by you.
This Is Just Tomb Much !

 ~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Unearthed Today:  The Mummy: Tomb of the
Dragon Emperor

Imagine if you will, a tomb.  Buried for centuries…  Now, Imagine darkness.
A darkness so bleak that it would terrify even the blind… A darkness, so
vast, that it is known only to the dead.  And then, imagine silence…

 Deep within the forgotten chambers, lies an empty vessel.  Once a man, now
a crumbling shell…  Abandoned centuries ago by even the maggots that used
to delight in feasting on its moist, rotting flesh. 

But then, into the darkness comes light.  Someone has stumbled upon this
ancient resting place.  Someone has spoken the words that will revive the now 
soulless silhouette of what used to be a human being.  Dried up lungs, devoid   
of air for an eternity, start to breathe again.  The creature (long silent), that  
used to laugh and sing of love, now tries to utter vengeful whispers through
cracked lips and breath riddled with dust. 

IT LIVES !  IT WALKS AGAIN !  Reaching out, looking for someone’s throat, 
(so that it may strangle them with skeletal fingers misshapen into claws)…  
Bringing about an eternity of anguish for whoever dares cross its vile path !

  OK, enough about Harrison Ford in “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the
Crystal Skull”.  Let’s start talking about the brand new “Mummy” movie !!! 

Darn it.  I had some great puns lined up for all of you today.  Such as “Who
would have figured Jet Li to be a wrap star” ? Or, “That’s a wrap” !  But,  
(much to my dismay), this movie is all crap and NO wrap.  What we have 
here is a “mummy-free” mummy movie.  Yep.  Not a single Ace Bandage to 
be found !!!  I’ve got no choice but to entertain everyone with jokes about 
pottery, and not of the “Harry” variety. 

What were they thinking ?  A mummy without bandages is like having a
werewolf without fur !  Dracula without fangs!  Amy Winehouse without
crack !  It just doesn’t WORK !

“The Mummy:  Tomb of the Dragon Emperor”, is the highly unanticipated
sequel to “The Mummy” and “The Mummy Returns”.  Brendan Fraser once
more portrays Rick O’Connell,  looking fresh as ever, ready to do battle 
again with icky undead entities.  His wife Evie is also on board, but this 
time Rachel Weisz has been replaced by Maria Bello.  No big deal there.


18838447[1] by you.
The New “Mummy Dearest”


  Rick and Evie find out that their son Alex (now an adult) has found an
ancient tomb in China.  But things start to escalate after they excavate.  
Alex, as it seems, just discovered the Pottery Barn FROM HELL.  One of 
China’s most feared Monarchs, “The Dragon Emperor” (Jet Li) is buried 
there, alongside his soldiers. They are all encased in terra cotta.  And,
according to this movie, that qualifies them to be mummies.  A far cry 
from the original bandaged beast, “Imhotep” !   

An ancient spell stirred up by double-crossing bad guys brings the evil 
terra cotta ruler and his minions to life, then they run amok.  Fortunately,  
these creatures are just made of clay, hence easy to break.  I’m thinking,  
what’s the big deal ?  So some overgrown “flower pots” with spears are
terrorizing the town.  No worries.  Ha !  Was I wrong.  It turns out, if they
go past the Great Wall of China, they become IMMORTAL and, therefore,
INDESTRUCTIBLE.  Of course…  Makes sense to me !  Plus, the demonic
Emperor Han (should’ve called him “Ham” with all of the overacting) does
not stay stoned through the entire film…  He is a mover and a shaper,
turning himself into a three-headed dragon !!! 

Sheesh.  Who comes up with this stuff ?  Well, the hapless O’Connell
family get help from an immortal ninja princess and her mother, a
good witch. Ever resourceful, this band of heroes builds an army of  
their own, out of skeleton soldiers and funny looking Yetis.  Yep. 
Abnormal Snowmen.  Talk about Abominable ! 

The “special” effects in this movie are pretty lame.  They would have
even been considered lame thirty years ago.  When we actually get to 
see Jet Li’s horrible face of terror (his plaster mask breaks off), it looks 
like someone raided the set of “Creepshow” or stole the “Crypt Keeper”
puppet.  I guess it really hurts being entombed in pottery for a couple
thousand years.  A dreadful condition known as Clay Achin’ ! 


mummy-3-jet-li[2] by you.
Get Your Tickets To “Riverdance” Today ! 


 One of the biggest distractions I found was that the entire movie had
a “claustrophobic” feel to it.  You just KNOW this flick was filmed on
some soundstage or small backlot, almost every step of the way.  With
perhaps a couple of exceptions,  I kept waiting for the edge of the    
green screen to show up ! 

But the “Inconsistency of the Year Award” goes to the character of
General Ming.  At the beginning of the story, it is implied that he is
torn apart from limb to limb.  Left to right.  Front to back. From sea
to shining sea.  EVERY appendage this guy has is tied to a different
horse.  Heck, I think they actually ADDED a couple of appendages
for affect !  And, of course the horses run in every direction (like 
this movie).  When he comes back from the dead, he is only
missing an arm.  Go figure. 

Also, Brendan Fraser is only 39 years old, and yet his son is played by 
Luke Ford, (age 27). That’s just freaky.  I’m willing to buy into illusion
somewhat, but c’mon now.  Would it have killed them to get an actual 
teenager to fill the son’s shoes ?  I guess it could have been worse…    
They originally had Mickey Rooney slated for the role, but he couldn’t
find his teeth.

If anything, this movie provides a nice little chaser for “The Dark Knight”.  
At least its heart is in the right place (a jar).  Nothing wrong with harmless
fluff.  The newspaper says that “The Dark Knight” made this movie number
two over the weekend !  Now THERE is an understatement !  LOL !  “Tomb
of the Dragon Emperor” is almost watchable as a guilty pleasure, but I’d
still wait for it as a rental.  You shouldn’t have to spend ten dollars on a
  movie that looks like it only cost about five to make.

Let’s lay this series to rest.  No need for it to “drag on” any further !


Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “6” out of “10”