Matthew McConaughey Did What With A Placenta ? 

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s Investigation:  The X-Files:
I Want To Believe

As the sun reflected in her dewy eyes, the beautiful woman
with the auburn hair looked longingly out the window.  Ever
patient, she tried to quell the deep aching in her heart.  Soon
he would come.  Her wet, thirsty desires quenched. 

They always came.  She was not to be denied.  The Cable Guy,
The Plumber, The TV Repairman, and yes, even the Postman. 
  He never had to ring twice.  (The key was left under the mat).  
And then there was the pool boy…  The NAUGHTY pool boy.
 Felipe.  He didn’t speak English but they both spoke the
language of love.

And now, there was the FBI agent.  Rugged.  Rough.  He
didn’t play by the rules, not like the others.  And this drove 
her insane.  Could she break him ?  Only time would tell…
Then a sound…  A car pulling into the driveway.  He had
arrived.   

Soon, forbidden passion would become a reality.  She could 
see his silhouette against the setting sun.  A man, standing
proud and sure.  The man she desired, the man who desired 
her.  He doesn’t knock.  He doesn’t use the key.  He kicks
 down the door, and within moments rips his shirt off.  He is 
    older than she.  Mature.  Knowledgeable.  Ready to teach her   
things…  Ready to tell her…

“Scully, we have a new case.  Get in the car, let’s go” !

What the heck ?  I can’t tell you how disappointed I was when 
this dude said that ! I thought this film was “X-Rated”.  Boy,  
was I in for a surprise.  Everyone in this movie has the acting
talent of a vegetable.  Talk about “soft corn” !!!  And the only
boob we get to see is in the form of David Duchovny. 
(Granted, he is quite supple) !  

David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are back once again   
as “Mold” and “Scrubby”,  trying to recapture some of the  
magic from the long dead “X-Files” series.  And let me tell 
you, they should have left well enough alone !  Anderson is 
starting to look like a cross between Jodie Foster and Margot 
Kidder…  Not the SEXY “Superman” Margot Kidder mind you, 
but the Margot Kidder of TODAY.  Duchovny has held up well, 
probably because he sold his soul to the devil in the third 
season.

^ Margot Kidder: Then

^ Margot Kidder: Now

At any rate, these two are flushed out of retirement and
into each others arms to crack yet another mysterious case. 
An FBI agent is missing, and women are turning up dead in a
snowy West Virginia town.  The only person who may be   
able to help them is an old priest who has done time for
child molesting.

This priest is really a creep, and to be honest he looks like a
character out of a really bad Stephen King movie.  One of the 
made-for-TV stinkers.  His hair is really lame and he runs like
Forrest Gump.

Well, he has “visions”.  He says there are two men responsible
for the murders.  The same men have kidnapped the FBI agent
who went missing.  Whenever the priest has a premonition, his
eyes bleed.  (My eyes did the same thing while watching this
awful flick).

There is indeed a shroud of mystery in “The X-Files: I Want
To Believe”.  What monster is behind the grizzly trail of body
parts being left to taunt the FBI ?  What vile creature could be
so callus ?  Aliens probably.  No.  I wish.  Warning:  Here are 
the spoilers…  The terrifying “evil” plaguing our heroes is  
none other than…

Homosexuals that got married in Massachusetts !  AAAAHHHH !

No.  I’m not one of those crazy “ballot people” from California. 
I’m telling you the truth.  It’s out there.  The “X-File’s” movie 
monsters are a legally married gay couple from Massachusetts.  
That’s not very “PC”.  I felt like reporting this movie to “La Bamba”
(or whatever they’re called). Or “Daddies Against Discrimination”. 
Or even  “The Rainbow Connection”.   

OK.  We are already going downhill here, but let’s not stop until 
we hit rock bottom.  The couple seems to have been turned to
the “dark side” because they were molested by the psychic 
priest as children.

Since they are gay, of course, these guys really want to be WOMEN. 
Whatever.  One of them is a brilliant scientist or something, and he  
creates a two-headed dog !!!  Suddenly, while looking at his strange 
“double dogger”,  he gets the BRIGHT idea to surgically put his head
on a woman’s body.  He tries, to some success.  But (giggle), the  
bodies keep rejecting his noggin ! So, if at first you don’t succeed,
die, die again.   

All the while this is going on, we have to suffer through our heroes
trying to rekindle their romance, Duchovny going on and on about
his long lost sister, and a heated banter about stem cell research.

Be Honest…  Do I Sort Of Look Like “Han Solo”  ? 

When we finally get to the climax, it’s hard to keep a straight face ! 
I wanted to laugh as “The Bride Of Dragenstein” comes off the slab.  
We have a wrinkled guy’s head on a sewn together woman’s body, 
sporting a truly impressive manicure (and painted nails). Then, the    
ugly thing lunges at the camera in a typical “scare” moment.  Don’t
get me wrong, I’m glad to see Cher back on the big screen but this
is just ridiculous.

This flick is such an affront to anyone with good taste.  The 
leads are obviously all bored, it’s ultra-low budget and they
actually turn the molester into some sort of glorified “hero” at
  the end.  He does however, drop dead.  Turns out he had lung  
cancer.  This character doesn’t cough even once, and he runs 
through the snow on more than one occasion like an Olympic
 Athlete.  Then BOOM.  Dead.  A heart attack would have made
 sense…  But this film isn’t about sense.

It’s about “Friends of Dorothy” Devising Diabolical
Decapitations !!!

There is one clever moment in the entire movie, (when they  
show a picture of George W. Bush and play the “X-Files” theme
music).  But after that, clever goes out the window, and in    
crawls the sex change patient from HELL.  No, I’m not talking 
about Nancy Pelosi.  LOL !!!  Ugh…  From what I’ve heard, the  
sequel isn’t going to be much better… 

Desiring to know what it feels like to “win”, Hillary Clinton tries
to get her head put on Brett Favre.  But this is done legally, and
money changes hands.  Hillary gives Brett a crisp new dollar bill
(for a 75 cent operation),  just so she can get a quaterback. 

“I Want To Believe”?  Hmmmph.  More like I want to throw up.

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “2.5” out of “10”