This Is Just Tomb Much !
~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Unearthed Today: The Mummy: Tomb of the
Imagine if you will, a tomb. Buried for centuries… Now, Imagine darkness.
A darkness so bleak that it would terrify even the blind… A darkness, so
vast, that it is known only to the dead. And then, imagine silence…
Deep within the forgotten chambers, lies an empty vessel. Once a man, now
a crumbling shell… Abandoned centuries ago by even the maggots that used
to delight in feasting on its moist, rotting flesh.
But then, into the darkness comes light. Someone has stumbled upon this
ancient resting place. Someone has spoken the words that will revive the now
soulless silhouette of what used to be a human being. Dried up lungs, devoid
of air for an eternity, start to breathe again. The creature (long silent), that
used to laugh and sing of love, now tries to utter vengeful whispers through
cracked lips and breath riddled with dust.
IT LIVES ! IT WALKS AGAIN ! Reaching out, looking for someone’s throat,
(so that it may strangle them with skeletal fingers misshapen into claws)…
Bringing about an eternity of anguish for whoever dares cross its vile path !
OK, enough about Harrison Ford in “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the
Crystal Skull”. Let’s start talking about the brand new “Mummy” movie !!!
Darn it. I had some great puns lined up for all of you today. Such as “Who
would have figured Jet Li to be a wrap star” ? Or, “That’s a wrap” ! But,
(much to my dismay), this movie is all crap and NO wrap. What we have
here is a “mummy-free” mummy movie. Yep. Not a single Ace Bandage to
be found !!! I’ve got no choice but to entertain everyone with jokes about
pottery, and not of the “Harry” variety.
What were they thinking ? A mummy without bandages is like having a
werewolf without fur ! Dracula without fangs! Amy Winehouse without
crack ! It just doesn’t WORK !
“The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor”, is the highly unanticipated
sequel to “The Mummy” and “The Mummy Returns”. Brendan Fraser once
more portrays Rick O’Connell, looking fresh as ever, ready to do battle
again with icky undead entities. His wife Evie is also on board, but this
time Rachel Weisz has been replaced by Maria Bello. No big deal there.
The New “Mummy Dearest”
Rick and Evie find out that their son Alex (now an adult) has found an
ancient tomb in China. But things start to escalate after they excavate.
Alex, as it seems, just discovered the Pottery Barn FROM HELL. One of
China’s most feared Monarchs, “The Dragon Emperor” (Jet Li) is buried
there, alongside his soldiers. They are all encased in terra cotta. And,
according to this movie, that qualifies them to be mummies. A far cry
from the original bandaged beast, “Imhotep” !
An ancient spell stirred up by double-crossing bad guys brings the evil
terra cotta ruler and his minions to life, then they run amok. Fortunately,
these creatures are just made of clay, hence easy to break. I’m thinking,
what’s the big deal ? So some overgrown “flower pots” with spears are
terrorizing the town. No worries. Ha ! Was I wrong. It turns out, if they
go past the Great Wall of China, they become IMMORTAL and, therefore,
INDESTRUCTIBLE. Of course… Makes sense to me ! Plus, the demonic
Emperor Han (should’ve called him “Ham” with all of the overacting) does
not stay stoned through the entire film… He is a mover and a shaper,
turning himself into a three-headed dragon !!!
Sheesh. Who comes up with this stuff ? Well, the hapless O’Connell
family get help from an immortal ninja princess and her mother, a
good witch. Ever resourceful, this band of heroes builds an army of
their own, out of skeleton soldiers and funny looking Yetis. Yep.
Abnormal Snowmen. Talk about Abominable !
The “special” effects in this movie are pretty lame. They would have
even been considered lame thirty years ago. When we actually get to
see Jet Li’s horrible face of terror (his plaster mask breaks off), it looks
like someone raided the set of “Creepshow” or stole the “Crypt Keeper”
puppet. I guess it really hurts being entombed in pottery for a couple
thousand years. A dreadful condition known as Clay Achin’ !
Get Your Tickets To “Riverdance” Today !
One of the biggest distractions I found was that the entire movie had
a “claustrophobic” feel to it. You just KNOW this flick was filmed on
some soundstage or small backlot, almost every step of the way. With
perhaps a couple of exceptions, I kept waiting for the edge of the
green screen to show up !
But the “Inconsistency of the Year Award” goes to the character of
General Ming. At the beginning of the story, it is implied that he is
torn apart from limb to limb. Left to right. Front to back. From sea
to shining sea. EVERY appendage this guy has is tied to a different
horse. Heck, I think they actually ADDED a couple of appendages
for affect ! And, of course the horses run in every direction (like
this movie). When he comes back from the dead, he is only
missing an arm. Go figure.
Also, Brendan Fraser is only 39 years old, and yet his son is played by
Luke Ford, (age 27). That’s just freaky. I’m willing to buy into illusion
somewhat, but c’mon now. Would it have killed them to get an actual
teenager to fill the son’s shoes ? I guess it could have been worse…
They originally had Mickey Rooney slated for the role, but he couldn’t
find his teeth.
If anything, this movie provides a nice little chaser for “The Dark Knight”.
At least its heart is in the right place (a jar). Nothing wrong with harmless
fluff. The newspaper says that “The Dark Knight” made this movie number
two over the weekend ! Now THERE is an understatement ! LOL ! “Tomb
of the Dragon Emperor” is almost watchable as a guilty pleasure, but I’d
still wait for it as a rental. You shouldn’t have to spend ten dollars on a
movie that looks like it only cost about five to make.
Let’s lay this series to rest. No need for it to “drag on” any further !
Would I Recommend This ? No
Daniel’s Critical Rating: “6” out of “10”