True It Is, Obi-Wan… In Bantha Poodoo, Stepped Have I.
~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
(Where you will never find a more wretched hive
of scum and villainy). Today, the Force is strong with:
Star Wars: The Clone Wars
A long time ago in a galaxy far,
The year is 1977, and
young Danny B. has just come
back from seeing Star Wars
for the very first time at a
drive-in with his parents.
He is now a total fan!
Yep. It’s a fact. Ever since that magical night so many years back,
I have been hooked. My Mom and Dad knew it, and automatically
started feeding my need by purchasing me Star Wars figures !!!
Thank goodness I was the first generation born into the Star Wars
era. If I were around just ten years prior, I would have been playing
with wooden cowboys, puppets and trains. YUCK ! No “Howdy
Doody” for me !!!
Christmas of 1977 was the first wave… Santa Claus brought me
the action figures of Darth Vader, Ben Kenobi, Luke Skywalker,
Princess Leia, C-3PO and R2-D2 !!! I also scored with a sweet
inflatable “Lightsaber”. Not to mention the “Death Star” and
a “Landspeeder” !
For my Birthday the next year, more cool stuff ! I received a
“TIE Fighter” and a “Dewback”… Not to mention Chewbacca,
some Stormtroopers, and Han Solo !!! (For Easter, the Easter
Bunny would always hide Star Wars figures with the chocolate
* * *
Just Dew It !!!
Mom has (mostly) fond memories of me playing Star Wars.
There was this one time, while in the kitchen loading up the
dishwasher, she was startled by a horrific scream coming
out of my room. It was a high pitch shriek of sheer terror,
causing her to actually drop a glass !
In a panic, she bolted back to my bedroom, where another
shrill cry was piercing the air. The door was closed, and Mom
opened it cautiously wondering what I had done to myself.
She found me holding my Princess Leia figure. “What in the
world is going on” ? Mom asked with concern in her voice.
I responded by saying, “Princess Leia fell off a cliff” ! Ha !
Boy, was my Mom ticked off. I had this habit of putting my
figures up on a top bookcase shelf, and some poor character
would inevitably end up falling to their death (always in slow
motion, and hollering all the way down).
And people say that “Revenge of the Sith” was dark. Hmmmph.
I was implementing tragedy into “Star Wars” long before that.
(No, I’m not condoning it) !
Star Wars should be kept light, and fortunately, that’s what the
new movie is all about. Some people have complained that this
CGI vehicle is geared towards kids… And in many respects it is.
But that really isn’t such a bad thing. When I saw the first movie
so many small moons ago, I was only seven years old. I’m glad it
wasn’t rated “PG-13”, “R” or “X-Wing”. Can you imagine?
Me: “Hey Dad, when can I go see the new ‘Star Wars’ movie” ?
Dad: “Not until you are 18 son. ‘Star Wars’ is for grown-ups”.
I realize all of us original “Star Wars” fans have gotten older. But
please, let’s keep it for kids as well, so they can grow up loving it
too. Everyone is so jaded these days. To anyone who wants more
death and destruction, I fart in your general Grievous direction !
This new film has the lowest body count of the entire series.
There is, however, plenty of violence against Robots. But they
DESERVE it. They are bad, naughty robots. Robots from the
wrong end of town. Robots without a cause !
Our story centers around Anakin Skywalker and Ben Kenobi,
trying to save the day again by rescuing Jabba the Hutt’s baby,
“Rotta” AKA “Stinky”. Poor little Stinky has been kidnapped by
the Separatists, (led by the vile Count Dooku) in an attempt to
force Jabba to work with them. Stinky the Hutt is sooo cute !
I love me some Stinky. Yes, he looks like his Dad, but he has
really taken on more of his good traits.
Return Of The “Red-Eye”
To help save the little ball of blubber, Yoda sends Anakin and
Ben one of those pantomime Padme WHATEVER learners named
Oshkosh B’Gosh (or something like that). She is quite a spunky
addition to our crew, and has future Jedi written all over her !
(But that’s only because she passed out at a party and someone
had a black marker).
Of course, there are plenty of villains on board to thwart our
friend’s plans. Some bald Jedi chick named Ventress, a creature
known as Whorm Loathsom, and Jabba’s gay uncle (to name a
a few) !
Yes, Jabba has a gay uncle ! “Ziro the Hutt” ! He just MAKES
this movie. He wears a feather and emulates Truman Capote !
He owns a sleazy nightclub in Seedy City, and he’s one of the
most colorful new characters to grace the Star Wars universe in
a while !!! We learn that Jabba actually has THREE gay uncles.
Due to time constraints, two of them were cut from the film.
Elton the Hutt
Rosie the Hutt
Now, the CGI in this movie isn’t the best ever, I will be the first to
admit. Sometimes, it kind of looks like a “Dire Straits” video. But,
the action is thrilling, the backdrops are stunning AND the killer
soundtrack will blow your socks clean off. This flick also seems to
have a great sense of humor about itself. For example, The battle
droids have some awesome one-liners ! They manage to give off a
“Keystone Cops” kind of vibe. And, reminding me of my youth, one
of them goes screaming off a cliff in dramatic (and rather hilarious)
Much to my happy delight, Samuel L. Jackson, Christopher Lee and
Anthony Daniels add their voice talents this time around, so “Star
Wars: The Clone Wars” has a warm, familiar air to it ! (No, I’m not
talking about Stinky’s flatulence). And I did get some goosebumps
during the final showdown in the courtyard !!! It is a fierce battle
between Ventress and Ben. He finds her to be quite a worthy foe
when she whips out her double-ended lightsaber. KINKY. She may
not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts !
This story will continue on in the form of a TV show coming to
Cartoon Network. It’s not quite as entertaining as The Family
Guy’s “Blue Harvest”, but almost… LOL !!! It will be nice to see
more of these engaging characters soon.
“Star Wars: The Clone Wars” has the droids you’re looking for !
Would I Recommend This ? Yes
Daniel’s Critical Rating: “7.5” out of “10”