Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Quilting of Sorrow”

quantumofsolacepic1[2] by you.
I Warn You…  I’m Out On Bond !

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s View To A Kill:
Quality of Sausage

Yes folks, today I will be reviewing the thrilling new spy adventure, 
“Quenching of Sasquatch” !!!  Bigfoot is BACK…  And this time he is
thirsty !  Hmmm…  Something is wrong there…  Did I get the title
right ?  Maybe I messed up ?  It’s hard to remember !

How about “Quitting of Salisbury Steak” ?  Yep. That has to be it.
A man goes on a diet and…  No, that’s not going to work either. 
Ugh !!!  Let’s try “Quest for Salsa”  ?  “Quelling of Songbirds” ?
“Quidditch of Slytherin” ???

I’m just going to have to look this up on IMDb.  Darn it.  Why did
they have to give the new James Bond flick such a goofy name ? 
Ah, well, here it is.  “Quantum of Solace”.  Strange title for a 007
story.  But then again, this movie is rather far removed from the
classics we all know and love.

Daniel Craig returns as Bond, hot off the heels of “Casino Royale”. 
Craig is a hunk, I will give you that.  When he goes to bed with a 
fine, random chick, you actually BELIEVE it could happen.  As for
the other old “codgers” that have filled the famous spy’s shoes,   
it seems to me they would have died in the arms of about any
 kitten they were with.

I never understood that.  Really.  Sean Connery.  He’s hot if you 
are like, 86.  And then there was Roger Moore.  But Moore what 
Viagra ? Oxygen ?  It seems that in Hollywood, getting ANY babe
is possible if you are either James Bond or Woody Allen.

~

Now, I would like to take a moment to answer a random letter
from one of my lucky fans !!!  Let me just reach on in, and see
what I can pull out !  Ooooh…  This looks like a good one !  We
have a question from Big Glenn in Pasadena !  Hello Big Glenn !

 

 Glenn[1] by you.

Glenn asks:

        “Hi Daniel.  I am a HUGE fan of yours.  I check your stuff
       out at least once a week.  Are you into bondage at all” ?

 Awww, what a nice fella !  Thank you so much !  Well,
I don’t know too much about the subject, but I will try
my best…  Here we go…

 

daniel_craig[1] by you.
Daniel Craig:  40 Years Old

 

sean-connery-1[1] by you.
Sean Connery:  78 Years Old

 


 rogermoore[2] by you.
Roger Moore:  Dead 109 Years Old

 

  You see Glenn, I do know a little something about “Bond Age” !
Thanks for writing, and keep on keepin’ on !  Nice outfit buddy.

~

All that aside, in this new adventure, our hero has been reinvented
to the point of veritable unrecognizability…   The 007 of today has 
only one gadget.  A gun.  That shoots bullets.  How original.  This
     guy has about as much intrigue as a character from “Prison Break”.   

He drives cars that go very fast.  Yep.  Cars.  Fast.  Move over, 
Tracy Chapman !!!  They don’t have any cool missile launchers or
anything like that…  No lasers.  No flame-throwers.  But that’s a
good thing.  Might slow that pretty little vehicle down. 

Our plot begins with James meeting up with his Auntie “M” (once
more played with wrinkled sensibility by Dame Judith Dench)…  A
welcome sight, she is the only person still around from the older 
movies.  Both “Q”  and “Moneypenny” are MIA.  

During an interrogation, M gets shot and blood goes all over the
place.  James has to chase the bad guy out of the room, and an
(arguably) rather exciting fight scene ensues.  The entire time, I
 was just worried about the old bag…  Did she survive ?  Were   
they gonna “finish off”  the last of the iconic Bond characters to
please certain people that now seem to hate ALL of the old 
movies ? 

Small spoiler >>>  Well, the good news is she is OK.  Actually,  
she is BETTER than OK.  She is some sort of indestructible super
woman…  In the scene after the shooting, we see her talking to
James as if nothing ever happened.  They never say if M had a
bulletproof vest on, or if she was wounded, or where the blood
came from when she was shot.  She is walking around having a 
nice time just chatting away.  Well, good for her.  I’m glad she’s
going to live to die another day.  

We soon learn that James Bond is trying to find out who killed his
girlfriend Vespa (or whatever her name was) in the prior film.  He is
blinded by an inconsolable rage, and has lost his sense of humor.
 Not to mention his sense of sight…  Wait until you see this new  
Bond girl.  YUCK !!!  At first glance she is a cutie, but then you
realize she went a little nuts with the bottle of sunless tanning
lotion.  And, she happens to be deformed.

The young lady loves wearing skimpy backless dresses, to show
off what appears to be an attempt at tattoo removal…  I am not
kidding. It looks like she was dragged behind the back of a truck
for at least a couple of hours !  I wanted to throw up, with the  
audience waiting for some blind dude to come up behind her 
and mistake it all for braille.

She also has a really bland name.  Camille.  I remember when 
 the Bond girls were all double entrees !!!  They used to have  
such memorable monikers as “Pussy Galore”, “Xenia Onatopp”,
“Holly Goodhead” and “Toucha Mybooba”.

Well, Mr. Grumpy teams up with Miss Lumpy and they hit the
road, traveling to several exotic locales to find some scheming
evildoers.  At one point, they end up in Haiti.  How appropriate,
because I Haiti this movie !  LOL !!!

 

674.x400.ft.films.odds.02[1] by you.
^ James Making A Quantum Leap !

 

  While seeking vengeance, James stumbles upon a village where
the water supply is missing.  Some odious villain has gone and
damned it all…  TO HELL.  In a scene that just goes on and on
we see the villagers looking at a leaking pipe.  They are holding
empty buckets, waiting for water…  We see the pipe, then the
villagers, the villagers then the pipe, and finally the pipe stops
dripping.

All hope appears lost, (but then I see everyone has beer so 
I’m not sure what the problem is).  Maybe somebody had to
wash their dog or something along those lines…  So James  
says he will help them and that’s when the fun (yawn) really
starts. 

Bond and his new girlfriend fly across the desert in a plane
that gets shot down faster than you can say “Mayday”.  Our
heroes persevere, and make it to a bunker where two totally
forgettable bad guys are plotting evil deeds ! There is some
shooting, a couple of explosions and then it’s over with as 
soon as it begins.

This movie was about as mindless (and soulless) as a video
game…  I’m hoping the next one will bring back the James
we all know and love.  With high-tech gadgetry brought to
life by today’s special effects.  As an action flick, this isn’t
too bad.  As a “James Bond” flick, it doesn’t even qualify. 

Quantum of Solace bored the living daylights out of me. 

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “4” out of “10”

Please, be sure to hit the comment button on the lower
left hand side of this review, I’d love your feedback !!!
But first, take a stab at my titillating “Bond Girl” poll !
< – – –   (Over that way).

              

 

 

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Changeling”

Barack Obama by you.
Did I Hear Someone Say “Change” ?

~ Hello Everyone ~
 Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Getting My Vote Today:  Changeling

Director Clint Eastwood is back, and older better than ever in a new
cinematic nail-biter that will leave you breathless.  “Changeling” is an
epic 1920’s period piece featuring action, suspense, gore and even a
couple of flappers !  (No, I’m not talking about Angelina Jolie’s lips.)

Yes, Angelina Jolie stars in this Oscar-worthy flick, and (going against
type) she actually refuses to take a free kid !!!  Where on Earth is
Madonna when you need her ?

It all begins when Christine Collins (played by Jolie), is asked to go
into work on her one day off…  She leaves her cute young son, Walter,
home alone with nothing but a sandwich and a prayer.  BIG MISTAKE. 
When she comes back, Walter is gone baby gone.  Of course, Christine
runs around the neighborhood in a panic, and finally calls the police.

Turns out, calling the police was not a good idea…  If you read the
history books, you will see that some cops in her region (Los Angeles,
California), were a vile, corrupt group of cowardly curmudgeons in  
the days before the Great Depression.  Hmmmph !  I don’t know why
they called it  “Great”.  Sounds like it was just AWFUL to me.

Anyway,  after dragging their feet, the police show up to her house
and file a report.  They act like they just don’t care, leaving Christine 
with no hope whatsoever.  Not even Bob Hope.  (He was unavailable 
due to a prior commitment on the Vaudeville circuit).

  

changelingpic3[2] by you.
Why Are You Asking If I’ve Had Collegian Injections ?

 

Feeling neglected and alone, our heroine’s fortune takes a stunning turn
for the better when Christine realizes she is part of a secret society of
assassins !  She hops on top of a moving train with a loaded gun, and  
then exacts her revenge by shooting people (in slow-motion) !  Morgan
Freeman shows up, helping her at every turn by…  Um…  Hold on a  
second…  Oops !!!  Wrong movie !  Sorry.  Where was I ?

Oh yes… Neglected and alone, Christine has nowhere to go.  Her sad,
pathetic plight is noticed by a real high-profile radio station preacher
(played by the amazing John Malkovich), and it all starts to equal bad 
press for the incompetent Los Angeles PD….  Desperate to quell an 
awful situation, the police manage to find her “son”.  She bursts into 
tears of joy hearing this news on the phone, but all that glitters is not
gold.

When her alleged son is brought to her (five long months after his
disappearance), she is shocked to see it is NOT Walter.  The police
say that he has “changed” physically because of neglect, abuse and
starvation.  They actually tell her (and this is a true story mind you)
Walter’s now three inches shorter because “all of the stress made his
spine shrink” !

Here is some of the SHOCKING dialog from that scene.*
*(As best as I can recall)…

~

Christine:  “His spine shrunk ?  You want me to
believe that ?”

Officer:  “Yes ma’am !”

Christine:  “But why is he speaking Italian ?”

Officer:  “He saw a couple of foreign films !”

Christine:  “Why does he have a HUGE mole on
his chin ?”

Officer:  “It’s just dirt ma’am”.

(The kid screams as the officer rips the mole off).

Christine:  “Why is he a Yupik Eskimo ?”

Officer:  “He’s VERY cultured now after traveling the
world”.

Christine:  “For crying out loud, this child is 46
years old !”

Child:  “Hey lady, I’m only 39 !  Damn !”

Christine:  (Gasps) “My child doesn’t swear !”

Officer:  “But we swear this is your child !”

~

Needless to say, Christine refuses to believe the bad cops, so she 
rushes straight to the newspapers with her story…  Panicked, the 
police respond by promptly throwing her into a mental institution.  
They claim that being separated from her son for so long made her
go “mad” and that’s why she does not recognize the boy.

At first, it looks like Christine has found a friend in a pretty young
 blonde nurse at the institution…  But that is not the case !!!  The
nurse rips poor Angelina Jolie’s clothes off and hoses her down in
the showers !!!  That terrible scene goes on for what seems like  
forever, but just when you think it’s over, the crazed nurse grabs 
the dreaded RUBBER GLOVE !  What a naughty, naughty nurse !!!

More hijinks ensue at the nuthouse, and just WAIT until you get a
load of Christine’s new roommate.  (I’m sure we have all had our 
fair share of bad ones, but this gal will make anyone else seem
ideal). 

On the outside, Christine’s radio friend is working to get her free,
solve the mystery, and expose the bad guys for what they are… 
I was transfixed with the storytelling and acting at almost every 
moment.

 

angelina-jolie-changeling[1] by you.
“Rocky Horror Picture Show”, Here I Come !

 

Angelina Jolie does a superb job showing us Christine’s growth and
transformation as a character.  In this film,  She becomes stronger
 over the course of a few months…

The change does not happen overnight…  But when it does, it is
profound and powerful.   Jolie’s performance has a duality that
will leave an impression on me for a long time.  From a meek and
scared woman who is all alone, to a strong and forceful person
ready to take on the LAPD.

 In contrast, many movies have characters “grow” over the course
of just an evening or a week.  I haven’t grown much in the past
week to be honest with you…  (I have, however, managed to    
somehow get better looking) !!!  Yes, movies often try and    
force “character development” on you in the most absurd ways…
 Not the case with this flick ! 

Clint Eastwood knows how to tell a story.  Plain and simple.  Since
 his very impressive directorial debut in 1971 with the frightening 
“Play Misty For Me”  (still one of my own personal favorites), he has
proven to be the master of his craft. Once more, Clint has created 
a very fluid piece of entertainment.  Seamless in every way. 

Nice to see Mr. Eastwood still has it at 78 !!!  Some fellows his age
are just “deadwood” or even “limpwood”, but Dirty Harry is going  
strong.  You won’t see him borrowing Robert Redford’s Viagra in 
the near future !

So, grab a fistful of dollars and check out “Changeling” tonight ! 

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “10” out of “10”