Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Quilting of Sorrow”

Posted on by under Film

quantumofsolacepic1[2] by you.
I Warn You…  I’m Out On Bond !

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s View To A Kill:
Quality of Sausage

Yes folks, today I will be reviewing the thrilling new spy adventure, 
“Quenching of Sasquatch” !!!  Bigfoot is BACK…  And this time he is
thirsty !  Hmmm…  Something is wrong there…  Did I get the title
right ?  Maybe I messed up ?  It’s hard to remember !

How about “Quitting of Salisbury Steak” ?  Yep. That has to be it.
A man goes on a diet and…  No, that’s not going to work either. 
Ugh !!!  Let’s try “Quest for Salsa”  ?  “Quelling of Songbirds” ?
“Quidditch of Slytherin” ???

I’m just going to have to look this up on IMDb.  Darn it.  Why did
they have to give the new James Bond flick such a goofy name ? 
Ah, well, here it is.  “Quantum of Solace”.  Strange title for a 007
story.  But then again, this movie is rather far removed from the
classics we all know and love.

Daniel Craig returns as Bond, hot off the heels of “Casino Royale”. 
Craig is a hunk, I will give you that.  When he goes to bed with a 
fine, random chick, you actually BELIEVE it could happen.  As for
the other old “codgers” that have filled the famous spy’s shoes,   
it seems to me they would have died in the arms of about any
 kitten they were with.

I never understood that.  Really.  Sean Connery.  He’s hot if you 
are like, 86.  And then there was Roger Moore.  But Moore what ? 
Viagra ? Oxygen ?  It seems that in Hollywood, getting ANY babe
is possible if you are either James Bond or Woody Allen.

~

Now, I would like to take a moment to answer a random letter
from one of my lucky fans !!!  Let me just reach on in, and see
what I can pull out !  Ooooh…  This looks like a good one !  We
have a question from Big Glenn in Pasadena !  Hello Big Glenn !

 

 Glenn[1] by you.

Glenn asks:

        “Hi Daniel.  I am a HUGE fan of yours.  I check your stuff
       out at least once a week.  Are you into bondage at all” ?

 Awww, what a nice fella !  Thank you so much !  Well,
I don’t know too much about the subject, but I will try
my best…  Here we go…

 

daniel_craig[1] by you.
Daniel Craig:  40 Years Old

 

sean-connery-1[1] by you.
Sean Connery:  78 Years Old

 


 rogermoore[2] by you.
Roger Moore:  Dead 109 Years Old

 

  You see Glenn, I do know a little something about “Bond Age” !
Thanks for writing, and keep on keepin’ on !  Nice outfit buddy.

~

All that aside, in this new adventure, our hero has been reinvented
to the point of veritable unrecognizability…   The 007 of today has 
only one gadget.  A gun.  That shoots bullets.  How original.  This
     guy has about as much intrigue as a character from “Prison Break”.   

He drives cars that go very fast.  Yep.  Cars.  Fast.  Move over, 
Tracy Chapman !!!  They don’t have any cool missile launchers or
anything like that…  No lasers.  No flame-throwers.  But that’s a
good thing.  Might slow that pretty little vehicle down. 

Our plot begins with James meeting up with his Auntie “M” (once
more played with wrinkled sensibility by Dame Judith Dench)…  A
welcome sight, she is the only person still around from the older 
movies.  Both “Q”  and “Moneypenny” are MIA.  

During an interrogation, M gets shot and blood goes all over the
place.  James has to chase the bad guy out of the room, and an
(arguably) rather exciting fight scene ensues.  The entire time, I
 was just worried about the old bag…  Did she survive ?  Were   
they gonna “finish off”  the last of the iconic Bond characters to
please certain people that now seem to hate ALL of the old 
movies ? 

Small spoiler >>>  Well, the good news is she is OK.  Actually,  
she is BETTER than OK.  She is some sort of indestructible super
woman…  In the scene after the shooting, we see her talking to
James as if nothing ever happened.  They never say if M had a
bulletproof vest on, or if she was wounded, or where the blood
came from when she was shot.  She is walking around having a 
nice time just chatting away.  Well, good for her.  I’m glad she’s
going to live to die another day.  

We soon learn that James Bond is trying to find out who killed his
girlfriend Vespa (or whatever her name was) in the prior film.  He is
blinded by an inconsolable rage, and has lost his sense of humor.
 Not to mention his sense of sight…  Wait until you see this new  
Bond girl.  YUCK !!!  At first glance she is a cutie, but then you
realize she went a little nuts with the bottle of sunless tanning
lotion.  And, she happens to be deformed.

The young lady loves wearing skimpy backless dresses, to show
off what appears to be an attempt at tattoo removal…  I am not
kidding. It looks like she was dragged behind the back of a truck
for at least a couple of hours !  I wanted to throw up, with the  
audience waiting for some blind dude to come up behind her 
and mistake it all for braille.

She also has a really bland name.  Camille.  I remember when 
 the Bond girls were all double entrees !!!  They used to have  
such memorable monikers as “Pussy Galore”, “Xenia Onatopp”,
“Holly Goodhead” and “Toucha Mybooba”.

Well, Mr. Grumpy teams up with Miss Lumpy and they hit the
road, traveling to several exotic locales to find some scheming
evildoers.  At one point, they end up in Haiti.  How appropriate,
because I Haiti this movie !  LOL !!!

 

674.x400.ft.films.odds.02[1] by you.
^ James Making A Quantum Leap !

 

  While seeking vengeance, James stumbles upon a village where
the water supply is missing.  Some odious villain has gone and
damned it all…  TO HELL.  In a scene that just goes on and on
we see the villagers looking at a leaking pipe.  They are holding
empty buckets, waiting for water…  We see the pipe, then the
villagers, the villagers then the pipe, and finally the pipe stops
dripping.

All hope appears lost, (but then I see everyone has beer so 
I’m not sure what the problem is).  Maybe somebody had to
wash their dog or something along those lines…  So James  
says he will help them and that’s when the fun (yawn) really
starts. 

Bond and his new girlfriend fly across the desert in a plane
that gets shot down faster than you can say “Mayday”.  Our
heroes persevere, and make it to a bunker where two totally
forgettable bad guys are plotting evil deeds ! There is some
shooting, a couple of explosions and then it’s over with as 
soon as it begins.

This movie was about as mindless (and soulless) as a video
game…  I’m hoping the next one will bring back the James
we all know and love.  With high-tech gadgetry brought to
life by today’s special effects.  As an action flick, this isn’t
too bad.  As a “James Bond” flick, it doesn’t even qualify. 

Quantum of Solace bored the living daylights out of me. 

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “4” out of “10”

Please, be sure to hit the comment button on the lower
left hand side of this review, I’d love your feedback !!!
But first, take a stab at my titillating “Bond Girl” poll !
< – – –   (Over that way).

              

 

 

21 thoughts on “Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Quilting of Sorrow””

  1. DEAR GOD!!!!!!! That was by far the absolute best review ever! I laughed out loud!! Sorry..I mean, LOL!!!!! You were on a roll, that is the Daniel I am so used to. The Bondage…Is that guy from “Foxes Cruise and Booze”??? Haha.lol.Damn that was great.

    Reply

  3. Hahaha, “Toucha Mabooba”… So true…
    Yeah, we pretty much agreed with you. But you definitely brought up some points that we had noticed during the movie and forgotten in the general crapitude of the movie. So… yeah…
    Crying shame…

    Just for kicks, though, what was your thought on Casino Royale? Because that seems to be a pretty defining question in this situation…

    http://danggoodmovies.wordpress.com/category/mediocre/

    Reply

  4. Thanks guys !!! A crying shame indeed. “Casino Royale” was
    great. An instant classic. And the best they could do as a
    follow up was THIS ? Of course, James had to start somewhere,
    but c’mon… Even in “Batman Begins”, Bruce Wayne ends up in
    his bat gear. That’s what makes him Batman in the first place.

    I wanted to make more comparisons to “Casino Royale” in this
    review, but it was already turning into a novel. For the record,
    any “casino” element fits into the James Bond lore like a glove.

    Reply

  5. back in the day (when I was young) Connery was fantastic as Bond! He’s still fantastic, but not as Bond of course. But it’s strange, as much as I loved Connery as Bond I did not go on to watch the others as Bond (not because I was upset it wasn’t Bond). Actually, I don’t know why.. could have been I was too busy raising a family and other excuses.
    I did see a Pierce Brosnan one on tv once, and thought he was good.. but in general I guess the movies never pushed my buttons to see them, so i can’t comment on this one. But there probably will always be Bond and Bond fans.

    I do think that hollywood, at times (more than I care to think of) overdoes the special effects though. Often when they do it detracts from the story part of the movie. Sometimes, they forget a good story can carry its own weight.

    Reply

  6. Sean Connery is a class act ! I enjoy EVERYTHING he
    has done, but some of my absolute favorite (non-Bond)
    films are: “Marnie”, “The Untouchables”, “The Rock”
    and “Entrapment”.

    I am quite fond of the other “Bonds” also, (with Daniel
    Craig being my least favorite). Only because they won’t
    let him BE Bond. He’s just some random dude with a gun.

    “Quantum of Solace”, regardless of any special effects,
    does not have a good story. It’s all just “dead weight”.

    Reply

  7. Man…you have OUTDONE yourself on this review! That was the most hysterical thing I’ve read since…well…since MY review of “The Happening”! Love the Bond Age idea! I have not heard many good things about this movie at all. So I doubt I’ll be seeing it anytime soon. Which is a shame, because I was looking forward to it. Oh…and there IS a movie with a worst title. He has a whip and a fedora and his movie came out last summer. Something about Indiana Jones and an Alien or something? Yeah…that title sucked BIG Mabooba!

    Reply

  9. Ok, I’m gonna be the loser who actually liked the movie. I agree the Bond chick wasn’t as hot as some of the others and she’s got six fingers on her right hand. I think the deal w/ the scaly back was from when she was burned in the fire that the bad dude set to her house when she was a kid. I think that’s why they kept showing it from time to time.

    Daniel Craig isn’t as humorous as past bonds but hot damn that man is ripped. I just wanna lay him down and nibble on him. Moving on.

    Overall I enjoyed the movie though I thought Casino Royale was much better.

    Reply

  10. Ugh, but did they have to KEEP showing it ? Couldn’t
    she have worn a cape or something ? I mean, REALLY !

    LOL @ six fingers ! There are quite a few people that
    liked “Quantum”. But I’m looking ahead to the future…
    And hoping for a more “James Bondish” offering ! (Then
    I can give 007 something higher than a 004). Ha Ha !!!

    Reply

  13. oh i love The Rock and the Untouchables too! Sean Connery and Harrison Ford are two actors that are the end of actors that really knew their craft. Even if they made movies that didn’t make good in the box office it wasn’t because of their acting skills. When a good story just isn’t there I don’t care whose in it or how much money they spend on special effects.. it’s still not a good movie!

    Reply

  14. Sean Connery and Harrison Ford sure do belong in the same
    sentence together. You are right, they (and a select few)
    are the last of their kind !!! Ironic that Harrison Ford is in
    several films with spectacular special effects… However,
    he still manages to steal the show ! My favorite Harrison
    Ford flicks are as follows : “Star Wars”, “Apocalypse Now”,
    “Blade Runner”, “Raiders of The Lost Ark”, “Air Force One”
    and “What Lies Beneath” !!!

    Reply

  15. Great review, Danny! Very funny and insightful! I never planned to see this movie and now I definitely don’t want to. “Now pay attention, 007” I’m getting tired of modern, re-imaginings of classic characters in which the writers feel it necessary to strip away everything that makes a character what he was! James Bond needs his clever gadgets and sense of cheeky humor. Bond girls with outrageous names were also part of the charm! And no Q or Moneypenny… Where’s the fun in that!?! I only saw “Casino Royale” once and that was enough to realize they don’t want him to be “Bond, James Bond”. Personally, my favorite Bond movies were the Pierce Brosnan flicks. Those were over-the-top fun that had all of the associated Bond moments intact! And the music was a blast as well… I loved those soundtracks! Tina Turner, Sheryl Crow, Garbage & Madonna’s opening songs were all fantastic! I’m curious how the music was in “Quantum”, is the classic “Bond theme” even in it? Anyway, I’m hearing that many people have watched this latest one and feel that the “Bond magic” is just plain missing. Hopefully the next one will get it right!

    Reply

  16. Chayne, I could not have said it better myself. You hit the nail on the head !!! What makes me sad
    is for some young people of today, this will be their very first “Bond” film. If that’s the case, twenty
    years from now I promise you James Bond will no longer be a household name. What we have in this
    movie is a dude with a gun. (I have seen some pretty good “dude with gun” movies in my day, and
    there are MUCH better offerings than this !

    Some people are now saying they don’t like the other Bond movies. Just like with “The Dark Knight”,
    all of a sudden Jack Nicholson’s AWESOME Joker was “too camp” and “lame”. Whatever. That’s like
    saying the original “King Kong”, (one of the greatest films of all time ) is “silly” because Peter
    Jackson did a “bigger, better and newer” one.

    Bob Kane, Fay Wray and Ian Fleming are ROLLING over in their graves right now. ENOUGH !!!

    I’m mad as HELL and I’m not going to take it anymore. I am Daniel !!! THIS is Critical Corner !!!
    HEAR ME ROAR !!!

    Reply

  17. It seems to me that the later Bond movies are becoming much less around the world and less gizmos and more girl, angry, vengeance… What has this world come to? Hmmm, maybe the “Quenching of Sourpatch Kids” would have been more interesting. Hahahahahah just kidding. I guess I know not to watch it, it will just ruin the other thousands of Bond movies I haven’t seen! Oh and let me know how my girl does!! Go Xenia!!

    Reply

  18. Angry vengeance movies are great ! But NOT with popular names tied
    to them that are usually known more for their imagination and color.

    So far “Xenia Onatopp” is in the lead… With Pussy Galore a real strong
    second (May Day is third) ! Xenia was quite the twisted treat in 1995’s
    “Goldeneye”, played by Famke Janssen (AKA Jean Grey in the “X-Men”
    movies). 🙂

    Reply

  19. Very good review, with which I quite agree. (And funny, too – particularly with regards to Bond age!) But my reaction to the film surprised me, because when I went into the theater, I honestly thought I was ready for a slightly darker Bond.

    A bit of explanation: I liked “Casino Royale,” and I liked it because it made some changes to what I felt was a bit of a tired formula. I liked that the action was more grounded in reality, and that we got a more human Bond. And as a bonus, there were no invisible cars.

    So I don’t object to what I think “Quantum of Solace” was trying to achieve. I don’t mind getting a slightly darker Bond. I don’t mind the idea of a sequel to Casino Royale. It always bothered me that in the past, the producers never followed up on some of the more emotional beats in Bond’s story. At least they try in this film. But they do so only half-heartedly. Oh, the story certainly told me that Bond was feeling grief over Vesper Lynd, but I never actually bought it on an emotional level.

    Craig remains excellent, but he and a solid supporting cast are wasted by a generic action-film script. Bond is never allowed any time to actually be Bond. Instead, it seems clear that the filmmakers want him to become Jason Bourne.

    Reply

  20. Thanks ! I personally, will never be ready for a “darker” Bond. Yes, the
    more human angle could work if done a little better. But why bother if he
    is STILL just another dude with a gun ? This is James Bond we are talking
    about… If I want to see a movie with “emotion”, I’ll just rent “Titanic”.
    LOL !!! 🙂

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

Gravatar
WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Cancel

Connecting to %s