I Warn You… I’m Out On Bond !
~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s View To A Kill:
Quality of Sausage
Yes folks, today I will be reviewing the thrilling new spy adventure,
“Quenching of Sasquatch” !!! Bigfoot is BACK… And this time he is
thirsty ! Hmmm… Something is wrong there… Did I get the title
right ? Maybe I messed up ? It’s hard to remember !
How about “Quitting of Salisbury Steak” ? Yep. That has to be it.
A man goes on a diet and… No, that’s not going to work either.
Ugh !!! Let’s try “Quest for Salsa” ? “Quelling of Songbirds” ?
“Quidditch of Slytherin” ???
I’m just going to have to look this up on IMDb. Darn it. Why did
they have to give the new James Bond flick such a goofy name ?
Ah, well, here it is. “Quantum of Solace”. Strange title for a 007
story. But then again, this movie is rather far removed from the
classics we all know and love.
Daniel Craig returns as Bond, hot off the heels of “Casino Royale”.
Craig is a hunk, I will give you that. When he goes to bed with a
fine, random chick, you actually BELIEVE it could happen. As for
the other old “codgers” that have filled the famous spy’s shoes,
it seems to me they would have died in the arms of about any
kitten they were with.
I never understood that. Really. Sean Connery. He’s hot if you
are like, 86. And then there was Roger Moore. But Moore what ?
Viagra ? Oxygen ? It seems that in Hollywood, getting ANY babe
is possible if you are either James Bond or Woody Allen.
Now, I would like to take a moment to answer a random letter
from one of my lucky fans !!! Let me just reach on in, and see
what I can pull out ! Ooooh… This looks like a good one ! We
have a question from Big Glenn in Pasadena ! Hello Big Glenn !
“Hi Daniel. I am a HUGE fan of yours. I check your stuff
out at least once a week. Are you into bondage at all” ?
Awww, what a nice fella ! Thank you so much ! Well,
I don’t know too much about the subject, but I will try
my best… Here we go…
Daniel Craig: 40 Years Old
Sean Connery: 78 Years Old
Roger Moore: Dead 109 Years Old
You see Glenn, I do know a little something about “Bond Age” !
Thanks for writing, and keep on keepin’ on ! Nice outfit buddy.
All that aside, in this new adventure, our hero has been reinvented
to the point of veritable unrecognizability… The 007 of today has
only one gadget. A gun. That shoots bullets. How original. This
guy has about as much intrigue as a character from “Prison Break”.
He drives cars that go very fast. Yep. Cars. Fast. Move over,
Tracy Chapman !!! They don’t have any cool missile launchers or
anything like that… No lasers. No flame-throwers. But that’s a
good thing. Might slow that pretty little vehicle down.
Our plot begins with James meeting up with his Auntie “M” (once
more played with wrinkled sensibility by Dame Judith Dench)… A
welcome sight, she is the only person still around from the older
movies. Both “Q” and “Moneypenny” are MIA.
During an interrogation, M gets shot and blood goes all over the
place. James has to chase the bad guy out of the room, and an
(arguably) rather exciting fight scene ensues. The entire time, I
was just worried about the old bag… Did she survive ? Were
they gonna “finish off” the last of the iconic Bond characters to
please certain people that now seem to hate ALL of the old
Small spoiler >>> Well, the good news is she is OK. Actually,
she is BETTER than OK. She is some sort of indestructible super
woman… In the scene after the shooting, we see her talking to
James as if nothing ever happened. They never say if M had a
bulletproof vest on, or if she was wounded, or where the blood
came from when she was shot. She is walking around having a
nice time just chatting away. Well, good for her. I’m glad she’s
going to live to die another day.
We soon learn that James Bond is trying to find out who killed his
girlfriend Vespa (or whatever her name was) in the prior film. He is
blinded by an inconsolable rage, and has lost his sense of humor.
Not to mention his sense of sight… Wait until you see this new
Bond girl. YUCK !!! At first glance she is a cutie, but then you
realize she went a little nuts with the bottle of sunless tanning
lotion. And, she happens to be deformed.
The young lady loves wearing skimpy backless dresses, to show
off what appears to be an attempt at tattoo removal… I am not
kidding. It looks like she was dragged behind the back of a truck
for at least a couple of hours ! I wanted to throw up, with the
audience waiting for some blind dude to come up behind her
and mistake it all for braille.
She also has a really bland name. Camille. I remember when
the Bond girls were all double entrees !!! They used to have
such memorable monikers as “Pussy Galore”, “Xenia Onatopp”,
“Holly Goodhead” and “Toucha Mybooba”.
Well, Mr. Grumpy teams up with Miss Lumpy and they hit the
road, traveling to several exotic locales to find some scheming
evildoers. At one point, they end up in Haiti. How appropriate,
because I Haiti this movie ! LOL !!!
^ James Making A Quantum Leap !
While seeking vengeance, James stumbles upon a village where
the water supply is missing. Some odious villain has gone and
damned it all… TO HELL. In a scene that just goes on and on
we see the villagers looking at a leaking pipe. They are holding
empty buckets, waiting for water… We see the pipe, then the
villagers, the villagers then the pipe, and finally the pipe stops
All hope appears lost, (but then I see everyone has beer so
I’m not sure what the problem is). Maybe somebody had to
wash their dog or something along those lines… So James
says he will help them and that’s when the fun (yawn) really
Bond and his new girlfriend fly across the desert in a plane
that gets shot down faster than you can say “Mayday”. Our
heroes persevere, and make it to a bunker where two totally
forgettable bad guys are plotting evil deeds ! There is some
shooting, a couple of explosions and then it’s over with as
soon as it begins.
This movie was about as mindless (and soulless) as a video
game… I’m hoping the next one will bring back the James
we all know and love. With high-tech gadgetry brought to
life by today’s special effects. As an action flick, this isn’t
too bad. As a “James Bond” flick, it doesn’t even qualify.
Quantum of Solace bored the living daylights out of me.
Would I Recommend This ? No
Daniel’s Critical Rating: “4” out of “10”
Please, be sure to hit the comment button on the lower
left hand side of this review, I’d love your feedback !!!
But first, take a stab at my titillating “Bond Girl” poll !
< – – – (Over that way).