Daniel's Critical Corner

December 25, 2008

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Valkyrie”

Filed under: Missing an eyeball — Daniel @ 7:00 pm
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wonderful_470[1] by you.
Ha Ha !  Look At Tom Cruise Wearing That Eyepatch !

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Bombing Today:  Valkyrie

There is nothing quite like Christmas Day !  The opening of presents, 
the laughter of children, and a cup of eggnog next to a glowing fire. 
And then there is the Christmas Dinner.  A grand turkey (or perhaps  
 a ham) with good wine and family.  But after your feast, what to do ? 

 You have already watched “Schindler’s List”,  and Grandma (along with
little Suzie) still wants some Nazi action…  Why settle for “The Grinch”
when everyone can have Adolph Hitler !!!  No little Suzie, I did not say
“Rudolph”.  This red nose means DEATH.  Beware !      

In “Valkyrie”, we have the multi-not talented Tom Cruise playing the
part of a Nutzi.  Er…  I mean Nazi.  I’m sorry, I just don’t like the guy. 
A long time ago I may have.  But I started to think he was a twit well
before he jumped on “Oprah”.
 
Let’s take “The Last Samurai” for example.  What was up with that ? 
Talk about egotistical…  Sheesh…  Cruise sports some long hair and 
   boasts he is the VERY LAST of a great Asian race of warriors.  That’s  
  akin to casting Brad Pitt as “The Last Soul Singer”.  Or maybe Reese  
Witherspoon as “The Last Geisha”.  How about Samuel L. Jackson as 
“The Last Mariachi” ?  C’mon now.  It’s just plain silly

At least in this film, he doesn’t play the last Nazi.  Just a Nazi.  A Nazi
without a German accent.  Tom is Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg, who  
was injured in battle (during World War II).  He has become a one-eyed,
 one-hand, flying purple people eater.  (I just couldn’t resist).  LOL !!!  
Yes, his character does loose an eye, and also his hand.  Worst of all,
he looses his ability to seem even remotely interesting.     
 
All of this stuff is based on a true story…  We learn that Stauffenberg was
part of a plot to kill Hitler back in 1944.  Of course, we all know he did not 
succeed.  Unfortunately, most of the characters in this film seem to know  
 it as well…  Everyone is just so wooden and somber.  They show a range  
of “emotions” from A to B, and try their darndest to bore the heck out  
of anyone watching.

 

tom-cruise-valkyrie[1] by you.
All The Reich Moves

 

I could not believe my eyes as scene after scene took place in room after
room where Cruise and his fellow conspirators try to be as monotone as  
humanly possible…  Nothing but drab outfits and grey backdrops decorate
the screen while everyone seems to be reading cold from a history book !  
A waste of talent if you ask me…  Actors such as Terence Stamp (one of
the bad guys in sparkle-tights from “Superman II”) and Kenneth Branagh
are just squandered on this dull tripe.

OK, so as for the plot, Tom is bummed out that he is missing an eyeball…
And with his one “apt pupil”, he can see that Germany is losing the war.
What’s a guy to do ?  Well, assassinating Hitler seems like a good place to
start…  And I guess back then, EVERYONE wanted to murder the Fuhrer !

Now, it seems to me a dangerous business to try to kill Hitler.  But the
heroes in this movie make it rather obvious what they are trying to do.
Despite putting their lives (as well as the lives of their wives and kids)
in mortal peril, these guys seem to be brazen about the entire affair. 

  For example, when Stauffenberg is interviewing for a new assistant, he 
freely tells a complete stranger that he is looking to kill Germany’s leader
and commit high treason.  “Are you in?”, he asks the young man.  Lucky 
for Stauffenberg, the applicant replies with something like, “Heck yea
dude, let’s kill Hitler…  Sweet!” 

Then, the Colonel points to a painting of Hitler and says “Right now, his 
  portrait hangs on the wall, but soon it is the man who shall be hung”.   
Ha Ha ! What are they going to do ?  Send Hitler a penis pump ?  Didn’t
Tom or director Bryan Singer notice that line sounded a little “strange” ?

At one point, all of the would-be assassins have a “super secret” meeting
at someone’s house.  They have milk and cookies, and discuss what they
will soon call operation “Valkyrie”…  During his first visit, Col. Stauffenberg
speaks up almost right away and points out some flaws.  The group leader
looks shocked and asks everyone, “Who is this man?”  Apparently, during
such gatherings, no one is introduced and anyone can show up.

 

425.valkyrie.081408[1] by you.
Time To Activate The Cruise Control !


 Odd as it may sound, the only character that seems to have an ounce of
personality is Adolph Hitler.  He actually is entertaining, but for the wrong
reasons…  Actor David Bamber goes a little overboard with his attempt at
the evil dictator, and seems to be channeling Bela Lugosi’s “Dracula” more
than anything !  He menaces towards people, with one hand reaching out
just a little farther than the other and he looks at people with his eyes off
to the side.  I kept waiting for him to say “I never drink wine”.

Another thing that grabbed my attention was cigarette dropping…  Many
different characters, (some just extras dressed up as soldiers) managed to
drop their cigarettes and subsequently grind them out with their feet.  This
happens three or four times….  Near the end, one guy has a cigarette in his
hand, and he throws it off a balcony !  To my surprise, he did NOT stomp it
out, but he did drop the thing.  I think that’s what attracted Tom Cruise to
this project.  People dropping cigarettes.  

This film could have really been awesome.  It could have shown us what
life was really like in 1940’s Germany.  No culture to be seen here at all. 
I can get a better flavor for Germany by going over to Wienerschnitzel 
and ordering some kraut.  

Believe it or not, Mr. Cruise doesn’t ruin this flick (even though he tries).  
We are given an interesting premise which is played just a little too safe !
 

Go see that dog movie this Christmas and skip “Valkyrie”.  It’s nazi-ating.

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “3.5” out of “10”

 

 

18 Comments »

  1. Daniel, my love, you owe me a new pair of jeans as I have ruined the ones I have on by spitting grape kool-aid all over them after the “All the Reich Moves” comment. I noticed in the preview he appeared to be the only person without a German accent. Typical I imagine. Once upon a time Tom Cruise was pretty cool but I haven’t seen a movie with him that I liked since Jerry McGuire.

    Comment by Lady Jaye — December 25, 2008 @ 11:00 pm | Reply

  2. LOL ! Well, it’s a good time for me to get you some new pants, with all of the great
    sales going on !!! I feel real bad… But you are not the first person to have their
    clothing sullied because of “Critical Corner”.

    Comment by Daniel's Critical Corner — December 26, 2008 @ 12:02 am | Reply

  3. Daniel Merry Christmas. Tom was a twit all along ;)Why does he get movies still??? Ha ha ha.
    Did you watch, “Burn After Reading?”

    Comment by Chirag — December 26, 2008 @ 1:42 am | Reply

  4. Merry Christmas !!! I don’t know why Tom Cruise EVER got movies.
    He looks like a bird. I better hurry up and see “Burn After Reading”,
    a few people have asked me about that one ! LOL !!!

    Comment by Daniel's Critical Corner — December 26, 2008 @ 1:50 am | Reply

  5. Funny review as usual. Weinershnitzel? LOL… Sounds like another waste of a movie. And my time. The Hitler sounds hilarious….’Good-evening!’ I cannot believe Tom doesn’t have an accent! Sounds like terrible directing. Nazi-ating is only good if you are watching the Family Guy episode with the Ipicac contest!

    Comment by Gayle — December 26, 2008 @ 2:40 am | Reply

  6. Thanks Gayle… Yea, I think director Bryan Singer really cut
    some corners… And (David Bamber) needs to stop watching
    old 1930’s horror films before going on set !!! “Family Guy”
    RULES !

    Comment by Daniel's Critical Corner — December 26, 2008 @ 8:08 am | Reply

  7. Indeed. I grew tired of Tom when I saw him in The Firm (well, actually it began with Top Gun, but the rest of the cast made the movie tolerable).

    Thanks for a great review of a seemingly bad movie – I say seemingly, because I will take your word on it. I don’t plan to see movies with Tom Cruise.

    And why is it that this Christmas has inspired two or three Nazi related movies?

    Comment by donstuff — December 26, 2008 @ 12:35 pm | Reply

  8. I have never been a fan of Tom Cruise, and these days I just can’t
    stomach him. “Lions For Lambs”, for example, was just unbearable !

    There are (a few) Cruise movies that I actually did like: “Rain Man”
    (Great soundtrack, featuring “Nathan Jones” by Bananarama). Also
    “Minority Report”, “War of the Worlds” and “Tropic Thunder”.

    Due to the Oscars, we will always get exposed to some depressing
    flicks around Christmas. Bah, humbug !!! 😦 LOL !!! 🙂

    Comment by Daniel's Critical Corner — December 26, 2008 @ 1:25 pm | Reply

  9. I will not be seeing this OR the dog movie. Yeesh…NOT Christmas entertainment!

    (“All The Reich Moves”? LOL Nice! At least THAT movie was somewhat entertaining…even if it is another 80’s high school flick!)

    Comment by Alan — December 26, 2008 @ 3:02 pm | Reply

  10. “Valkyrie” can’t be called entertainment PERIOD. LOL !!!

    Comment by Daniel's Critical Corner — December 26, 2008 @ 5:38 pm | Reply

  11. Once again, you’ve saved me at least $10! If I keep saving money like this, I’m going to have to treat you to something nice. :)~

    When I saw the preview, I thought, Oh! That looks good! But alas, it seems there are no good movies anymore. 😦 The movie houses are going to have to drop their prices if they want us to pay to see crappy movies. Remember $1 Tuesdays when we were in high school? No one minds paying $1 for a crappy movie.

    Comment by Kristi — December 26, 2008 @ 6:01 pm | Reply

  12. Don’t worry Kristi ! Good movies STILL exist ! Just wait until you see
    my “Best of 2008” list… (Prepare to be overcome with tears of JOY) !

    Comment by Daniel's Critical Corner — December 26, 2008 @ 7:12 pm | Reply

  13. okay, okay, i’ll not-see this one…

    Comment by Aaron — December 29, 2008 @ 6:50 pm | Reply

  14. Oh NO ! LOL !!! Watch out, somebody might just
    throw a rotten Tom-ato at you for THAT line !!!

    Ha Ha !!! 🙂

    Comment by Daniel's Critical Corner — December 29, 2008 @ 8:55 pm | Reply

  15. Although I’ve enjoyed some of his movies (Rainman in particular, but that was more due to Dustin Hoffman) I can’t say I’ve ever been a big fan of Tom’s. I don’t dislike him either, but all things considered I can’t say I remember ever seeing any of his movies in the theater!

    the past 10 yrs or more I haven’t been able to do much movie theaters.. I did see Australia (sorry but Jackman is too good an actor to miss) and I hope to go again the end of January to see Inkheart. Other than that… most of my movies come on TCM LoL ! (oh! I did buy Wall-E !and loved it!)

    Comment by deslily — December 30, 2008 @ 5:20 am | Reply

  16. If I were trapped on a desert island with
    only ONE cable channel, it would be “TCM”.
    LOL ! Yes, “WALL-E” was exceptional !!!

    Comment by Daniel's Critical Corner — December 31, 2008 @ 8:00 am | Reply

  17. First of all HAPPY NEW YEAR to you and Critical Corner!! Second, I don’t blame Tom Cruise for this train wreck, the blame should be placed squarely on Bryan Singer’s shoulders… where, o where is the Singer of “X-Men” or “Apt Pupil” or “The Usual Suspects”? Third, I’ll take my Nazis with a side of Indiana Jones, thank you very much, lol…

    Comment by russ — December 31, 2008 @ 4:22 pm | Reply

  18. Happy New Year ! Singer is way off-key this time around. Let’s
    hope he does a better job with “Superman: Man of Steel” !!! 😉

    Comment by Daniel's Critical Corner — January 1, 2009 @ 10:00 am | Reply


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