Ha Ha ! Look At Tom Cruise Wearing That Eyepatch !
~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Bombing Today: Valkyrie
There is nothing quite like Christmas Day ! The opening of presents,
the laughter of children, and a cup of eggnog next to a glowing fire.
And then there is the Christmas Dinner. A grand turkey (or perhaps
a ham) with good wine and family. But after your feast, what to do ?
You have already watched “Schindler’s List”, and Grandma (along with
little Suzie) still wants some Nazi action… Why settle for “The Grinch”
when everyone can have Adolph Hitler !!! No little Suzie, I did not say
“Rudolph”. This red nose means DEATH. Beware !
In “Valkyrie”, we have the multi-not talented Tom Cruise playing the
part of a Nutzi. Er… I mean Nazi. I’m sorry, I just don’t like the guy.
A long time ago I may have. But I started to think he was a twit well
before he jumped on “Oprah”.
Let’s take “The Last Samurai” for example. What was up with that ?
Talk about egotistical… Sheesh… Cruise sports some long hair and
boasts he is the VERY LAST of a great Asian race of warriors. That’s
akin to casting Brad Pitt as “The Last Soul Singer”. Or maybe Reese
Witherspoon as “The Last Geisha”. How about Samuel L. Jackson as
“The Last Mariachi” ? C’mon now. It’s just plain silly.
At least in this film, he doesn’t play the last Nazi. Just a Nazi. A Nazi
without a German accent. Tom is Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg, who
was injured in battle (during World War II). He has become a one-eyed,
one-hand, flying purple people eater. (I just couldn’t resist). LOL !!!
Yes, his character does loose an eye, and also his hand. Worst of all,
he looses his ability to seem even remotely interesting.
All of this stuff is based on a true story… We learn that Stauffenberg was
part of a plot to kill Hitler back in 1944. Of course, we all know he did not
succeed. Unfortunately, most of the characters in this film seem to know
it as well… Everyone is just so wooden and somber. They show a range
of “emotions” from A to B, and try their darndest to bore the heck out
of anyone watching.
All The Reich Moves
I could not believe my eyes as scene after scene took place in room after
room where Cruise and his fellow conspirators try to be as monotone as
humanly possible… Nothing but drab outfits and grey backdrops decorate
the screen while everyone seems to be reading cold from a history book !
A waste of talent if you ask me… Actors such as Terence Stamp (one of
the bad guys in sparkle-tights from “Superman II”) and Kenneth Branagh
are just squandered on this dull tripe.
OK, so as for the plot, Tom is bummed out that he is missing an eyeball…
And with his one “apt pupil”, he can see that Germany is losing the war.
What’s a guy to do ? Well, assassinating Hitler seems like a good place to
start… And I guess back then, EVERYONE wanted to murder the Fuhrer !
Now, it seems to me a dangerous business to try to kill Hitler. But the
heroes in this movie make it rather obvious what they are trying to do.
Despite putting their lives (as well as the lives of their wives and kids)
in mortal peril, these guys seem to be brazen about the entire affair.
For example, when Stauffenberg is interviewing for a new assistant, he
freely tells a complete stranger that he is looking to kill Germany’s leader
and commit high treason. “Are you in?”, he asks the young man. Lucky
for Stauffenberg, the applicant replies with something like, “Heck yea
dude, let’s kill Hitler… Sweet!”
Then, the Colonel points to a painting of Hitler and says “Right now, his
portrait hangs on the wall, but soon it is the man who shall be hung”.
Ha Ha ! What are they going to do ? Send Hitler a penis pump ? Didn’t
Tom or director Bryan Singer notice that line sounded a little “strange” ?
At one point, all of the would-be assassins have a “super secret” meeting
at someone’s house. They have milk and cookies, and discuss what they
will soon call operation “Valkyrie”… During his first visit, Col. Stauffenberg
speaks up almost right away and points out some flaws. The group leader
looks shocked and asks everyone, “Who is this man?” Apparently, during
such gatherings, no one is introduced and anyone can show up.
Time To Activate The Cruise Control !
Odd as it may sound, the only character that seems to have an ounce of
personality is Adolph Hitler. He actually is entertaining, but for the wrong
reasons… Actor David Bamber goes a little overboard with his attempt at
the evil dictator, and seems to be channeling Bela Lugosi’s “Dracula” more
than anything ! He menaces towards people, with one hand reaching out
just a little farther than the other and he looks at people with his eyes off
to the side. I kept waiting for him to say “I never drink wine”.
Another thing that grabbed my attention was cigarette dropping… Many
different characters, (some just extras dressed up as soldiers) managed to
drop their cigarettes and subsequently grind them out with their feet. This
happens three or four times…. Near the end, one guy has a cigarette in his
hand, and he throws it off a balcony ! To my surprise, he did NOT stomp it
out, but he did drop the thing. I think that’s what attracted Tom Cruise to
this project. People dropping cigarettes.
This film could have really been awesome. It could have shown us what
life was really like in 1940’s Germany. No culture to be seen here at all.
I can get a better flavor for Germany by going over to Wienerschnitzel
and ordering some kraut.
Believe it or not, Mr. Cruise doesn’t ruin this flick (even though he tries).
We are given an interesting premise which is played just a little too safe !
Go see that dog movie this Christmas and skip “Valkyrie”. It’s nazi-ating.
Would I Recommend This ? No
Daniel’s Critical Rating: “3.5” out of “10”