Confessions Of A Chopaholic
~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Did You Know A Young Boy Drowned Here ?
His name was Jason, and today is his birthday. So, put on your
party hats, blow up a balloon and let’s have a blast ! Just don’t
tell his mom… (She is a good-time killer if ever there was one).
LOL ! Today, of course, I will be talking about Friday the 13th.
A movie I was really looking forward to seeing. Now, you might
be wondering why that is. For starters, I have been a huge fan
of the “Friday the 13th” series since 1982… (That was the year
“Friday the 13th Part 3” came out in glorious 3-D) ! It was an
experience I shall never forget. An experience that turned into
a regular family affair !
My mother has always loved 3-D movies. She likes to reminisce
about some of her favorites from the 1950’s, like “Creature from
the Black Lagoon”, or “House of Wax” (with Vincent Price)… It
was a summer day back in ’82 when we first saw the trailer for
“Friday the 13th Part 3: 3D”, and we both thought it looked like
a hoot and a half ! We had not seen the first two installments,
but that didn’t stop us from making plans to see number three !
This was a big event for me. At age 12, I was about to see my
very first “R” rated picture ! (We were still a few months away
from getting cable television). Of course, later on in the year, I
was bombarded with questionable entertainment after we put in
As an added bonus, my grandparents decided they wanted to
go with us. Grandpa had always loved a real good fright flick !
Keep in mind, his idea of a good fright flick was “Frankenstein
Meets the Wolf Man”.
When we arrived at the theater (Cinema East Twin), they were
showing two films. “Bambi” (the re-release… I’m not that old).
And of course, “Friday the 13th part 3”. My mother, sensing a
right of passage was about to happen, reluctantly asked me if
I would like to see “Bambi” instead of “Friday”. Firmly, I shook
my head “No”.
The four of us were given our 3-D glasses. They were so cool,
in a very cheesy kind of way. They were actually cheap paper
things, featuring some rendition of a bloody fireplace poker on
the sides. RAD ! (Does anybody else remember those) ?
Voorhees A Jolly Good Fellow !
My 80 year old grandparents put on the glasses, as did my mom.
Soon, we were bombarded with buckets of gore galore ! We had
been introduced to mass murderer “Jason Voorhees”, the scourge
of Camp Crystal Lake. I can remember screaming a total of three
times. Mom was shrieking like a banshee the entire film… And my
shocked grandfather kept saying “Oh My God!” and “Goddamn!”
At one point during the flick, a young woman has an arrow shot
right into her head (through her eye socket, no less) ! My poor
grandmother leaned in and asked “Is that girl dead?” I told her
“Yep!”, and Grandma just responded with “Oh dear!”
After the carnage ended, the credits started rolling. My grandpa
actually yelled out “MORE BLOOD” ! I laughed. My Mom did not…
Grandpa had to help her out of her seat ! She was as white as a
ghost !!! I shall never forget, as long as I live, her saying “Dad, I
really need a drink”. As it turned out, NONE of us had EVER seen
an “R” rated horror film before… I loved it. And my grandmother
said (no kidding) “It was a good picture”. Ha Ha ! Go Grandma !
I thought Mom hated it… But it turns out ALL of us became fans
of the franchise. A couple of weeks after our experience we had
rented the first two movies ! My family even went to see “Friday
the 13th: The Final Chapter” on its opening weekend. Everyone
also caught the premiers of “The New Beginning”, “Jason Lives”,
“The New Blood” and “Jason Takes Manhattan” !!!
By the time “Jason X” came out in 2002, my grandparents had
both bought the farm. It was sad seeing it without them. But
I’ve got to say, I’m glad they weren’t around to suffer through
the latest incarnation of “Friday the 13th”. The brand-new film
produced by Michael Bay is a major letdown.
This supposed “remake” shows us the events of the first movie
during the opening credits… Mrs. Voorhees (Jason’s mother) is
given all of three lines, (one of them stating the obvious). She
mentions that she has killed everyone, and that they all had to
die because her stupid little brat drowned. Then, she gets her
head chopped off.
We flash-forward to “present-day”. And that’s when the film
really goes to pot. And by pot, I mean POT. A group of kids
are out in the woods, getting ready to set up camp. They’re
not there to just absorb the scenery, but rather to smoke it.
The gang is hunting for an alleged marijuana farm… And the
“plan” is to grab up as much leaf as they can carry and take
it all back home to sell. (Granted, they want to fill up a few
bongs of their own first). But, some guy with a bag over his
head (Jason) doesn’t want them doing drugs, as he pops out
of nowhere and starts poking them with sharp objects ! He
later ditches the bag. Only to don a hockey mask he finds
on the floor…
Not A Very Good Swimmer.
A Good Swimmer.
(But Not A Very Good Role Model).
Talk about lame. They should have called this film “Cheech
and Chong VS. Jason”. Or “Harold and Kumar Escape Camp
Crystal Lake”. Even “Friday After Next” would have been a
more fitting title !
Another problem with this movie is the amount of sex and
nudity. They overdo it with the boobage. A little boob is
OK. A big boob is even better. But I started to feel as if
I walked into the wrong theater… (I even started to look
around to see if people were wearing trench coats) !!!
There are zero scares in “Friday the 13th”, and the movie
suffers from a total lack of imagination. When the first few
films came out long ago, many critics and cynics saw them
as nothing more than trash, saturated with sex, drugs and
gore. Yes, there was sex (my grandpa actually would do a
“wolf whistle” every time there was some nudity). And yes,
there was always some drug use and ground-breaking gore.
But it was always in small amounts !
What made the original “Friday the 13th” popular was the
horror. A sense of dread, punctuated with “jump out of
your seat moments” !!! They really did try to make movie
magic, and in those days, despite bad reviews, they had
succeeded… It is a shame that 2009’s “reboot” amplifies
the elements that did not work. They must be trying to
prove some of the critics right !
Please, skip this misguided attempt at entertainment, and
go rent the originals (now digitally remastered) !!! I only
wish the director of this new flick would have thought to
do the same…
Dead in the water, “Friday the 13th” just doesn’t cut it.
Would I Recommend This ? No
Daniel’s Critical Rating: “3” out of “10”
Two things: I was born in 1982 and now I know how old you are!
And Holy crap your grandparents sound like an absolute riot! I myself have never been a huge fan of the series preferring the Halloween series to Friday the 13th. I had no interest in seeing this remake I would however have totally gone to see “Harold and Kumar Escape Camp Crystal Lake”
Oh and Voorhees a jolly good fellow made me spit coffee on my screen. You owe me.
LOL ! Sorry about your computer screen Lady Jaye. I need to put some sort of disclaimer at the top of
the page… ***WARNING*** Please put down any and all beverages before reading “Critical Corner” !!!
I was never a fan of these horror movies. Though I know many females are fans I will always think men like them more!
Sorry, this didn’t live up to the series. I know “remakes” have that reputation, but with all the new technology to make a better, more fightening movie, you’d think this one would work. oh well.
You are right Pat !!! It is statistically proven that more guys go to horror films than girls !
I even saw that mentioned somewhere regarding the opening weekend of “Friday the 13th”.
I was really looking forward to this “Friday the 13th” update. They could have made it even
scarier than the first one. But some people in Hollywood just don’t have a clue… They look
at the demographics and go from there. Young guys like horror films ? Well, let’s give them
gore and nudity.
If studios actually put some creative effort into these things, they would appeal to a much
broader audience. The “Scream” movies are a good example of a horror formula done WELL.
In addition to gore, they added suspense, terror, wit and mystery.
Great review! I loved the part about your mom and grandparents seeing the 3D flick with you. As someone who avoids gore/horror movies like the plague, I’m thankful you didn’t like this movie… That way you won’t ask Russ and me to see it with you! (whew!) Anyway, it’s a shame that today’s Hollywood is all about “re-imagining” successful franchises from the past. It makes me wonder, are there any new franchises these days? Or is everything we see an updated version of classic ideas indicating that film makers have run out of ideas? I’d have to say the best part about this movie was your review trashing it! Amazing review, as always! Your friend, “Texas Chayne Saw Massacre”
LOL ! Thanks “Chayne Saw”. I wouldn’t make ANYONE watch this !
In regards to re-imagining: Sad to say, a lot of young people won’t
watch movies that came out before 1980 ! A remake is a valid way
to bring old ideas back to life for a new generation… Unfortunately,
it seems the studios drop the ball almost each and every time. 😦
Oh my Gosh..This review was one of my favorites. When you said your grandparents bit the farm, I lost it! And the line, ” They’re
not there to just absorb the scenery, but rather to smoke it.” Classic, I say. The Michael Phelps comparison was way clever also. Cheers to you on a great review, and as always, cheers to your mom! 🙂 🙂
As always, thank you Gayle ! This movie was indeed
a “potboiler”, in a “Michael Phelps” kind of way !!!
Friday the 13th, ya have that, didn’t see though, and now you have given it a thumbs down. Your Grandparents are awesome man :). BTW, Boobage big or small sells. Hey Daniel, these day’s I am more into the TV serials phase, I have seen all seasons of the 30 Rocks, Numb3rs, and Prison Break. There are less and less interesting movies around now. Can you suggest a few good old, English movies.
LOL @ “Boobage Sells” ! So true, so true ! My grandparents really were the
best a guy could ask for. I have many more cinematic “adventures” to relay
in regards to them, so stay tuned !!!
Movie suggestions ? That’s what I’m here for ! Since this is a “Friday the
13th” review, I’ll give you some mystery/suspense/horror selections. Also,
check out my “Halloween Favorites” post ! (October 2008).
Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark
Play Misty For Me
The Old Dark House
Seance on a Wet Afternoon
Wait Until Dark
~ Watch these with the lights on… And ENJOY 🙂 !
You couldn’t drag me to the theatre to see this movie. I went and saw the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre and was sorely disappointed. I think maybe I’ve gotten too old for these slasher flicks. I want to be scared…not see blood & gore.
But I liked the story of you and your mom! 🙂
Thanks Alan. My Mom and I get a kick out of that story to this day !
I wouldn’t say you’ve gotten too old for these slasher flicks. They just
don’t make ’em like they used to. LOL !!!
Its probably a bad sign for a horror movie when everyone in the theater is laughing when someone gets chopped up. I’ll be honest, I love going to these cheesy horror remakes because they’re the best comedy out there, much better than some of the ACTUAL comedy films that people have been putting out lately. I love sitting there and calling out how the next person is going to get it, its a form of very frightening and sick entertainment on my part. I almost got kicked out of the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” remake a few years back because I wouldn’t stop laughing manically. That being said, this was a film driven by Michael Bay, so in place of gratuitous explosions and special effects, we were treated to gratuitous blood and boobage… Not that I’m complaining much, I am very much in the demographic that this film was shooting for. Its just disappointing to me that there aren’t any movies that come out anymore that give me the willies.
You’ve got some good points Matt ! “Tongue-in-cheek humor” horror films have been around a long time.
I’ve never been a big fan of those. I remember watching “An American Werewolf in London” on cable as
a teenager and thinking they really ruined the movie with all of the JOKES… I saw what could have been
a great horror flick turned into a laugh-fest. Freddy Krueger became nothing more than a lousy comedian
in the “Nightmare on Elm Street” movies. “Scream” was just a parody of horror films, and ironically it had
more scares than most. Since the days of Vincent Price, and even well before that, humor has been part
of horror. (Heck, even the original “Frankenstein” had some welcome comedy elements). But the balance
was lost somewhere along the line…
Most films need a good laugh or two, don’t get me wrong. But when the laugh is unintentional, that is
awful !!! I have laughed during a cheesy slasher flick myself, at a part that isn’t supposed to be funny.
Blood, boobage and anything else aside, I’m sure studios will come back around and give us some good
old-fashioned scares sooner or later. (Some recent movies have tried, but they were pretty lame). Did
you see “The Unborn” ? It was more like “The Unbearable” ! LOL ! 🙂
Thanks Daniel, Hey when ever free do visit my blog, need your vote.
Sure !!! 🙂