Daniel's Critical Corner

May 26, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Terminator Salvation”

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 8:09 am
Tags: , ,

terminator_salvation_christian_bale_machine[1] by you.
I Wonder If I Could Use This Thing In The “Batcave” ?

 ~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Getting Blasted Today:  Terminator Salvation

If this is “Terminator’s” Salvation, I’d hate to see what we are saving it
  from.  An action packed film, yes…  But nothing more.  We’re taking our  
fourth stroll down “Terminator” lane, with a new offering that is missing
a few key elements.  No, I’m not talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger !

What “Terminator Salvation” happens to be lacking is a sensible plot…  
And character development !!!  Not to mention anything that resembles
   continuity.  Hmmm…  I might be wrong there.  It is continuously awful.  

 I found myself wondering why everyone in the post-apocalyptic future 
 always has to have a smudge of dirt on their face…  I also let my mind 
 wander and thought about “Star Trek” a lot.  Then I’d be distracted by
a loud BOOM and forced to look back up at the screen.

From the start, this movie is just weird…  We kick things off by meeting
  Marcus Wright (played by Sam Worthington).  The year is 2003 and he’s 
a prisoner on death row, sentenced to die by lethal injection.  After his 
execution (and a couple of poorly executed lines as well) we are thrust
 into the future !  Not a fun, bright future mind you, but a future devoid  
of decent acting and washcloths.

Marcus wakes up in this strange world, surprised to be alive.  He is nude 
and caked from head to toe in mud.  He then goes streaking through the 
rain, screaming.  A word to the wise:  If you are wearing nothin’ but mud
don’t run in the rain.  Embarrassment is inevitable.

 

terminator-salvation-robots[2] by you.

More Than Meets The…  Aye Yi Yi !

 

He manages to find some clothes, but soon after he’s jumped by one of the
robots from “Transformers”.  Marcus is almost killed but saved in the nick of
 time by a teenage boy and some kid dressed like “Janet Jackson”.  It’s over 
a meal of leftover coyote that Marcus learns the fate of Earth.

Many years ago, a renegade spam program became self-aware and gained
control of the planet.  This program sees humans as a threat and has built
 robots to kill them all.  The first sign of the takeover was when “Kris Allen” 
won “American Idol”…  “Paula Abdul” tried to warn the masses, but people
   just laughed.  Turns out Kris was an early version of a “Terminator” !!!  No   
one noticed the small malfunction that caused him to sing out of the side 
of his face.

Marcus is horrified, and wants to join the human resistance.  He must find
the legendary “John Connor” to do so.  Many adventures follow as he plods
 through one CGI effect after the other…  He stumbles across a woman who 
seems to have raided “Tina Turner’s” wardrobe closet from the set of “Mad
Max Beyond Thunderdome”, and she offers him some funny looking food !!! 
(Even funnier looking than dead coyote).

 They are all ambushed, and it is not long before Marcus meets John Connor
(played by Christian Bale) the hard way.  After being knocked out, he finds
himself regaining consciousness in a precarious position.  He has been tied
  up !!!  John is interrogating Marcus, and Marcus is worried.  I would be too.
 Can you imagine being tied up by the guy who played in “American Psycho”
AND “The Dark Knight” ?  GULP !!!  Christian Bale is #1 on the list of people
I would least want to be tied up by…  Here are a few others:

 

Kathy Bates by you.
Your Reviews Are Cockadoodie

 

~ ~ ~

Top Ten List Of People I Would Least Want To Be Tied Up By

(#1Christian Bale 

(#2Christopher Walken  (#3Boy George

(#4)  Nancy Pelosi  (#5)  Steven Seagal  (#6)  Tonya Harding

(#7)  Kathy Bates  (#8)  Flava Flav  (#9)  Betty White 

(#10)  Charo

~ ~ ~

 Anyway, Marcus discovers that he is part “machine”…  He was created by
 the creepy Borg Collective (or whatever the heck they call themselves) to
 bother the humans.  Which is fair, because the humans are pretty lame !!!

The human resistance is comprised of people that run around with looks of 
constipation consternation on their faces at any given moment.  The worst
   is this random pregnant woman who seems to have a connection to Connor. 
  She really tries to channel “Frodo” from “The Lord of the Rings” !!!  There’s 
 always some dramatic look plastered on her mug, presented in slow motion.

These people are sooo BORING.  “Common” is on board playing some dude
named …  Oh, who cares.  All he does is run around saying “You killed my
brother”.  And Christian Bale just whispers and lisps !  I let it slide when
   he was “Batman”, but now it is annoying…  If Bale has “jumped the shark”  
  with this dud of a film, at least he can find work as a phone sex operator.

His voice IS better suited to ask “What are you wearing?” as opposed to
“Do you want to join the resistanttth?”  Say it, don’t spray it buddy.  I’m
 thankful this movie wasn’t in 3-D.  Everybody would have been thoaked ! 
Er… Soaked.  Salvation ?  More like “Saliva Nation”.

 

Bale2 by you.

The Hoarse Man Of The Apocalypse

 

 Warning:  Thpoilers Ahead !  Marcus and John HATE each other right out 
  of the gate.  Marcus is more man than mechanism however, so he wants to 
 defeat the Terminators…  Together they must infiltrate the bad guys’ home
 base, but nothing could prepare them (or me) for what those rotten robots
have to bring.

First off, there’s the bizarre computer-generated naked cameo of Arnold
Schwarzenegger.  Sorry Terminator fans, it’s come to this.  He pops out
(quite literally) of a room, runs around naked for about 60 seconds and
then catches on fire…  WOW.  Great homage to the classic films there ! 
Way to go…  Director “McG” should be proud.

Hold on…  it gets better.  Our heroes have to face down a monstrous
villain.  Who or what could it be ?  A giant robot ?  Perhaps a madman
with android innards ?  The evil they must face down is…  Wait for it…
Wait for it…  

The Disembodied Floating Head of “Helena Bonham Carter” !!! 
  Or something like that.  Ha Ha !  Yep.  Her naughty noggin shows up  
 to be a total nuisance to the human resistance.  I wanted to laugh ! 
 Marcus discovers “The Head of Helena Bonham Carter” floating on a 
 gigantic computer screen of sorts.  (Think “The Wizard of Oz” meets
“Max Headroom”)…   She starts talking smack, so he finishes her off
with a piece of office furniture. 

 The film really goes downhill from there.  I’m not going to tell you how
 it all ends !  (No, shutting the talking head up isn’t the finale).  There
will be a sequel, as the spam that calls itself  “Skynet” seems to still
  be plugged in while it plugs on.  Joy !  I often felt like I was watching 
 a “Uwe Boll” production.  Probably would have been better if it was.

This is more of a “Terminator” parody than anything !!!  (If you look
 real close in a fleeting scene, you can see one of the robots wearing
 what appears to be a “pirate scarf” on its head)…  Occasional giggles
  aside, the movie does serve well as yet another effects-laden thriller.
Unfortunately, sans anything resembling substance.

  

  Judgment:  The future looks very bleak for “Terminator Salvation”. 

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “5” out of “10”

 

 

May 12, 2009

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Star Trek”

Filed under: Film — Daniel @ 6:03 pm
Tags: , , ,

star_trek_chokes[1] by you.
Noooooo !!!!!

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
On The Captain’s Log Today:  Star Trek

I know that you are all going to think I’m just jumping on the bandwagon,
but I really want to become an actual “Trekkie”.  No, the new “Star Trek”
film has not inspired me to do so.  This is a fantasy I have had for many, 
many years.

There is a method to my madness.  Yes, I HAVE been a fan of “Star Trek”
for about as long as I can remember…  But I’ve got a goal that has yet to
be realized.  I wanna go to a Star Trek convention wearing “Vulcan ears”.
At this convention, I hope to find William Shatner (AKA Captain Kirk) !

Once I see good ol’ Bill, I shall follow him around.  Why ?  Because sooner
or later, he’s going to drop something.  It’s inevitable.  We all do.  Maybe
it will be his pen…  Or perhaps a cup…  Maybe even a quarter. 

When he bends over to pick up whatever it is he has dropped, I’m going
to pop out and loudly say:  “Space… The Final Frontier” !!!  Ha Ha Ha !

 Sigh…  I can dream, can’t I ?  If that isn’t enough reason to become a
Trekkie, I don’t know what is.  Something tells me the latest Star Trek
offering will bring some new fans to the fold, and it should give all the
die-hards reason to feel born-again !!!

What we have here is a “reboot” of sorts…  A reboot that (finally) keeps
the heart and soul of the original source material !  Kudos to J.J. Abrams
for realizing what made “Star Trek” so special in the first place. He helms
this movie with grace and treads lightly on sacred ground.  Much to my
delight, the result is nothing short of a science fiction masterpiece.

Don’t get me wrong.  I still cherish all of the old “Trek” movies !  I loved
it when everyone went to “SeaWorld”.  And who can forget Kirk fighting
that evil soul singer in “The Wrath of Chaka Khan” ?  Of course, there is
“The Search For Spock”.  I never understood that one.  Why didn’t they
just Google him ?

 

3046977289_2f4eed0b05[1].jpg_v=0 by you.
I’ll Stop The World And Meld With You !

 

  In this refreshingly new installment, the tables have turned and it is now 
Spock who is on the hunt !!! Leonard Nimoy returns as the (aging) Vulcan
ambassador “In Search Of” his youth.

While buzzing about the galaxy (in the coolest spaceship ever) Spock
is schlucked away to the PAST by a black hole…  The aforementioned
schluckage creates an “alternate reality”.  A strange new world where
people are actually sexy !

Warning:  When you add sexy to the continuity of ANYTHING, there
are going to be cataclysmic, history-changing results.  So our logical
friend has his hands full trying to rectify the situation…  Also causing
trouble are some nasty Romulans (coming from the future as well).

 Spock enlists the aid of his good friend James T. Kirk, who’s now much
younger…  Young Kirk (played by Chris Pine) has some issues to work
out though, and is indeed a challenge.  He channels James Dean as a
true rebel without a cause.

In this universe, Kirk never knew his father and is running amok on
Earth until the prestigious “Federation Starfleet” sees his potential.
Hesitant at first, this crazed kid soon joins the Starfleet Academy,
only to end up on the just-built “Starship Enterprise”.

 

Kirk and McCoy by you.
I Knew I Should’ve Taken That Left Turn At
Albuquerque !

 

Here we meet (all over again) the crew we know and love.  Scotty,
Sulu, Chekov, Uhura, Dr. McCoy and young Mr. Spock !!!  Mr. Spock
has some anger management issues, to say the least.  He is always
whaling on someone !!!  (Sounds like I am talking about “Star Trek
IV” again, doesn’t it) ?

He beats up on other Vulcans, and at one point he even pounds the
captain !  Um… Moving on…  Anyway, at first young Spock (Zachary
 Quinto) and young Kirk despise each other.  But these fellows soon 
realize that they are way better off as pals in order to stop Romulan
bad-guy “Nero”.

Nero (an unrecognizable Eric Bana) is out for revenge against the
 old Spock, probably because he had watched “The Final Frontier” !
C’mon…  It wasn’t that bad.  Nonetheless, he is going to make our
hero suffer, and destroy anything that gets in his way.

The Enterprise soon rises to the challenge… And starts to kick some
time-traveling butt.  The special effects are extraordinary, and I got
goosebumps every time they went into “warp speed”.  A feeling that
reminded me of watching the show as a kid !!!  My first recollection
of “Star Trek” was viewing it (as a rerun) in the 1970’s…  It was on
after the news Sunday nights !

 This movie is cool.  Like a tall glass of Altair Water.  We have Mr.
Sulu whipping out a sword.  Kirk listens to “Beastie Boys”.  Majel
Roddenberry (Nurse Chapel in the 60’s series) provides the voice
 of the ship’s computer. And, to top it all off, Winona Ryder plays
 Spock’s Mom.  WOW !

“Star Trek’s” 2009 ensemble cast does a fine job interpreting our
beloved Enterprise crew… All while adding a few fresh twists of
their own !  I am going to open my “hailing” frequencies and tell
the planet about this movie’s stellar appeal !!!

At last, a film that will cure what “Romulan Ales” you !  A bright 
blockbuster sure to leave you stunned !!!  After watching this, I
felt nothing could phase me !  I’m still beaming…

“Star Trek” is Spocktacular fun !  Boldly go see it today !!!  

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “10” out of “10”

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Christine+Chapel[1] by you.
Hair No Man Has Gone Before…

 

This review is dedicated to Majel Barrett-Roddenberry.  Wife of
“Star Trek” creator Gene Roddenberry.  She played my favorite
character in the original series, “Nurse Christine Chapel” !  She
was promoted to Doctor when the first flick came out…  Majel
 (as mentioned above) is the voice of the computer in this new
film and many other “Trek” offerings. 

Majel Barrett-Roddenberry 

Stardate: 1932-2008

We miss you !

~

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