I Wonder If I Could Use This Thing In The “Batcave” ?
~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Getting Blasted Today: Terminator Salvation
If this is “Terminator’s” Salvation, I’d hate to see what we are saving it
from. An action packed film, yes… But nothing more. We’re taking our
fourth stroll down “Terminator” lane, with a new offering that is missing
a few key elements. No, I’m not talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger !
What “Terminator Salvation” happens to be lacking is a sensible plot…
And character development !!! Not to mention anything that resembles
continuity. Hmmm… I might be wrong there. It is continuously awful.
I found myself wondering why everyone in the post-apocalyptic future
always has to have a smudge of dirt on their face… I also let my mind
wander and thought about “Star Trek” a lot. Then I’d be distracted by
a loud BOOM and forced to look back up at the screen.
From the start, this movie is just weird… We kick things off by meeting
Marcus Wright (played by Sam Worthington). The year is 2003 and he’s
a prisoner on death row, sentenced to die by lethal injection. After his
execution (and a couple of poorly executed lines as well) we are thrust
into the future ! Not a fun, bright future mind you, but a future devoid
of decent acting and washcloths.
Marcus wakes up in this strange world, surprised to be alive. He is nude
and caked from head to toe in mud. He then goes streaking through the
rain, screaming. A word to the wise: If you are wearing nothin’ but mud
don’t run in the rain. Embarrassment is inevitable.
More Than Meets The… Aye Yi Yi !
He manages to find some clothes, but soon after he’s jumped by one of the
robots from “Transformers”. Marcus is almost killed but saved in the nick of
time by a teenage boy and some kid dressed like “Janet Jackson”. It’s over
a meal of leftover coyote that Marcus learns the fate of Earth.
Many years ago, a renegade spam program became self-aware and gained
control of the planet. This program sees humans as a threat and has built
robots to kill them all. The first sign of the takeover was when “Kris Allen”
won “American Idol”… “Paula Abdul” tried to warn the masses, but people
just laughed. Turns out Kris was an early version of a “Terminator” !!! No
one noticed the small malfunction that caused him to sing out of the side
of his face.
Marcus is horrified, and wants to join the human resistance. He must find
the legendary “John Connor” to do so. Many adventures follow as he plods
through one CGI effect after the other… He stumbles across a woman who
seems to have raided “Tina Turner’s” wardrobe closet from the set of “Mad
Max Beyond Thunderdome”, and she offers him some funny looking food !!!
(Even funnier looking than dead coyote).
They are all ambushed, and it is not long before Marcus meets John Connor
(played by Christian Bale) the hard way. After being knocked out, he finds
himself regaining consciousness in a precarious position. He has been tied
up !!! John is interrogating Marcus, and Marcus is worried. I would be too.
Can you imagine being tied up by the guy who played in “American Psycho”
AND “The Dark Knight” ? GULP !!! Christian Bale is #1 on the list of people
I would least want to be tied up by… Here are a few others:
Your Reviews Are Cockadoodie !
~ ~ ~
Top Ten List Of People I Would Least Want To Be Tied Up By
(#1) Christian Bale
(#2) Christopher Walken (#3) Boy George
(#4) Nancy Pelosi (#5) Steven Seagal (#6) Tonya Harding
(#7) Kathy Bates (#8) Flava Flav (#9) Betty White
~ ~ ~
Anyway, Marcus discovers that he is part “machine”… He was created by
the creepy Borg Collective (or whatever the heck they call themselves) to
bother the humans. Which is fair, because the humans are pretty lame !!!
The human resistance is comprised of people that run around with looks of
constipation consternation on their faces at any given moment. The worst
is this random pregnant woman who seems to have a connection to Connor.
She really tries to channel “Frodo” from “The Lord of the Rings” !!! There’s
always some dramatic look plastered on her mug, presented in slow motion.
These people are sooo BORING. “Common” is on board playing some dude
named … Oh, who cares. All he does is run around saying “You killed my
brother”. And Christian Bale just whispers and lisps ! I let it slide when
he was “Batman”, but now it is annoying… If Bale has “jumped the shark”
with this dud of a film, at least he can find work as a phone sex operator.
His voice IS better suited to ask “What are you wearing?” as opposed to
“Do you want to join the resistanttth?” Say it, don’t spray it buddy. I’m
thankful this movie wasn’t in 3-D. Everybody would have been thoaked !
Er… Soaked. Salvation ? More like “Saliva Nation”.
The Hoarse Man Of The Apocalypse
Warning: Thpoilers Ahead ! Marcus and John HATE each other right out
of the gate. Marcus is more man than mechanism however, so he wants to
defeat the Terminators… Together they must infiltrate the bad guys’ home
base, but nothing could prepare them (or me) for what those rotten robots
have to bring.
First off, there’s the bizarre computer-generated naked cameo of Arnold
Schwarzenegger. Sorry Terminator fans, it’s come to this. He pops out
(quite literally) of a room, runs around naked for about 60 seconds and
then catches on fire… WOW. Great homage to the classic films there !
Way to go… Director “McG” should be proud.
Hold on… it gets better. Our heroes have to face down a monstrous
villain. Who or what could it be ? A giant robot ? Perhaps a madman
with android innards ? The evil they must face down is… Wait for it…
Wait for it…
The Disembodied Floating Head of “Helena Bonham Carter” !!!
Or something like that. Ha Ha ! Yep. Her naughty noggin shows up
to be a total nuisance to the human resistance. I wanted to laugh !
Marcus discovers “The Head of Helena Bonham Carter” floating on a
gigantic computer screen of sorts. (Think “The Wizard of Oz” meets
“Max Headroom”)… She starts talking smack, so he finishes her off
with a piece of office furniture.
The film really goes downhill from there. I’m not going to tell you how
it all ends ! (No, shutting the talking head up isn’t the finale). There
will be a sequel, as the spam that calls itself “Skynet” seems to still
be plugged in while it plugs on. Joy ! I often felt like I was watching
a “Uwe Boll” production. Probably would have been better if it was.
This is more of a “Terminator” parody than anything !!! (If you look
real close in a fleeting scene, you can see one of the robots wearing
what appears to be a “pirate scarf” on its head)… Occasional giggles
aside, the movie does serve well as yet another effects-laden thriller.
Unfortunately, sans anything resembling substance.
Judgment: The future looks very bleak for “Terminator Salvation”.
Would I Recommend This ? No
Daniel’s Critical Rating: “5” out of “10”