Look ! They’re Bringing Out The Figgy Pudding !!!
Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Today’s Mystical Musings To Mull Over:
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
As Christmas fast approaches, everybody’s scrambling to fill up their cups
with good cheer (and their car trunks with presents). In the midst of this
hustle and bustle, you may be finding yourself in need of a break. Where
can we go to escape all the happiness that’s being forced upon us !?
For violence, gore, gloom and sexual overtones, you need not look much
further than “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows”. Arguably, there are
several other somber cinematic options at the moment, such as “Faster”
and “Saw 3D”… But if you really want the taste of joy sandblasted from
your mouth, chew on this “Potter” installment.
Director Rob Zombie really gives us a grisly treat as he puts the screws
to the once adorable “Hogwarts” gang ! He… Whoops… I meant to say
director David Yates ! What on Earth made me think of Mr. Zombie ?
If you ask me, David Yates has become the new king of carnage. There
are many stellar examples in this thrilling review, so please read at your
own risk. Heck, watch the film at your own risk for that matter !!! Now,
I am not sure if a character named “Charity Burbage” getting swallowed
by a snake (after being tortured) qualifies as carnage, but it’s close !
Our story begins at a press conference (of sorts) where the “Minister of
Magic” is basically telling everyone they are screwed ! A moment later
we see an old, withered man staring out a window… The harsh ravages
of AGE have been gnawing away at his face !!! Has “Dumbledore” risen
from the grave ? Nope… It’s just Daniel Radcliffe as “Harry Potter”.
I’ve Been Feeling A Little Horse Lately.
Harry’s family, the dreadful “Dursleys” are getting the Hell out of Dodge (so
to speak) because of the horrible, imminent danger headed towards them.
Running away from Privet Drive with their suitcases, they don’t say a word
regarding poor Potter, which is a shame because in the book they actually
show a hint of affection towards the guy.
Let’s face it, with a humble running time of only 146 minutes, how can any
resolution be squeezed in !? Yes, they squeeze Charity into a snake, but
she was a muggle-loving fool and she deserved it !
Hermione Granger (played again for the umpteenth time by Emma Watson)
also senses impending doom… To protect her parents, she uses a spell to
erase their memories of her. That’s all fine and dandy I suppose, until the
rest of her family comes calling, and the neighbors start asking questions !
“But we don’t have a daughter.” Sure. Try telling it to the police.
Anyway, our heroes soon rendezvous with the loveable dork “Ronald Bilius
Weasley” AKA “Ron” (played by Rupert Grint, who is really starting to look
more like Rupert Murdoch these days). Of course, humongous “Hagrid” is
on beard for this adventure as well. I mean board. He’s on board.
In order to get Harry to a safe haven (because vile “Voldemort” is still out
hunting for his head) Hagrid must sneak him out into the night. Tragically,
there is an ambush, and Potter’s owl “Hedwig” gets her angry inch blown
clean off. Feathers fly as the fowl is fried !!!
Speaking of hooters, there are a couple of strange scenes presented that
are somewhat inappropriate if you ask me… “Dolores Umbridge” would not
approve, to say the least ! It’s no secret that Harry wants to snog Ron’s
sister “Ginny”, and they make this quite clear in a rather spicy manner.
A short while later, we see Harry and Hermione (in a fabricated attempt to
make Ron mad) naked and snogging like there was no tomorrow ! Most of
their naughty bits are strategically covered by a tiny puff of smoke, which
implies that “Hallows” was just a small blur away from an “R” rating !
Save it for the stables, Radcliffe ! Now, I do understand that author J. K.
Rowling wants her characters to mature and grow. They can’t be children
forever (that goes without saying, unless we’re talkin’ about “Peter Pan”).
If he became an adult, should we watch him and “Wendy” hook up ?
Perhaps I am being too harsh. Hermione is actually a great “kid”, yet she
has terrible fashion sense. Wearing red to a wedding will never help any
girl’s image. Shocking, but true ! Miss Granger pulls a fashion faux pas of
mesmerizing proportion at the nuptials of her pal by sporting a red dress…
What’s next ? White shoes after Labor Day !?
Appalling apparel (and inappropriateness) aside, this seventh installment of
the beloved “Potter” franchise is structurally sound. Action abounds when
Harry tries to track down various “Horcruxes”, fighting creepy “Snatchers”
and “Death Eaters” on the way !
One or two Death Eaters from the novel seem to be absent… Rumor has it
they have become vegetarians ! At any rate, favorites such as “Severus
Snape” and “Bellatrix Lestrange” are around. Such ghoulish monsters bring
an almost unbearable feeling of dread, and at one point Bellatrix bumps off
the hobbit who always brags about his tacky Velcro-strapped boots !
Well, deck the hallows with boughs of holly, and then check out this merry
massacre of a motion picture. Visually stunning (despite having more tent
scenes than “Brokeback Mountain”) and fast-paced, “Potter” again proves
to be solid entertainment. Personally, I prefer the earlier, whimsical fare…
“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1”
puts the harm back in charm !
Would I Recommend This ? Yes
Daniel’s Critical Rating: “7” out of “10”