Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Repo! The Genetic Opera”

Repo03[1] by you.
The Eyes Have It !

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Under The Knife Today:  Repo! The Genetic Opera

For those of you not familiar with the cult classic “The Rocky Horror
Picture Show”, there are a couple of things you should know.  Never
tell anyone you are a virgin if you find yourself watching a Midnight
 showing, and be sure to bring some paper towels and toast (to toss 
at the movie screen).

In regards to the new cult classic in-the-making, “Repo! The Genetic
Opera”, you may want to bring paper towels but the only thing that 
will be tossed is your cookies.

I didn’t know what to expect while watching this little underground
gem.  A goth rock-opera of all things.  Go figure.  It seemed to me 
the only people that would ever dig this sort of vulgar venue would
 be angry young chicks with jet-black hair and lipstick to match !!!

Despite being an affront to my delicate sensibilities, I actually got
a kick out of this gross flick.  (Only after channeling my own inner
goth chick).  Her name is Ragea.  She wears spiked collars and will
NEVER like you because you smell like flowers.

I digress.  Big time.  So, our story takes place in the future, (2056
to be exact) !  The world has fallen victim to an outbreak of organ
failures, and people are dropping like flies.  Desperate times do call
for desperate measures, and entrepreneur Rotti Largo comes in to
save the day…  For a price.

Rotti (Paul Sorvino) is the CEO of a genetic “second hand” shop,
where you can actually buy second hands…  You can also throw
in a lung or two for good measure !   Heck, grab yourself a new 
designer liver while you’re at it. 

This hellish company calls itself  “GeneCo”, but they are really a 
mafia organization with anything but good intentions.  It seems
like a good idea at first, but if someone misses just one payment
 on their new body part, the Repo Man comes to collect.  No, he
is not after the money…

The Repo Man (played here by “Little Britain’s” Anthony Head) is
going to rip your still-beating heart right out of your body, and
then he is going to use your corpse as a puppet.  While singing
a couple of songs…  And dancing a little bit as well !

Yes, this is a musical with GUTS.  I always felt that “The Texas
Chainsaw Massacre” would have been just delightful if they had
added some Broadway flair…  And, truth be told, wouldn’t “The
Sound of Music” have been more entertaining if Julie Andrews
 got her leg caught in a bear trap after spinning around on that 
 hillside ?  The hills are alive…  With the sound of screaming !


Sound+of+Music[2] by you.
The Hills Are…  SNAP  …AYEEEE ! 


 Hmmm…  What about Doris Day actually shooting someone in
“Calamity Jane” ?  Or Tevye falling off the roof with his fiddle
and landing on a bed of nails ?  The possibilities are endless.

Exploring possibilities is exactly what “Repo!” does…  We are
introduced to the Repo Man’s daughter, Shilo (Alexa Vega), a
young lady with a mysterious blood disease, that may or may
not have been contracted accidentally.  It is possible she got
sick from her mother, who we later learn died from unnatural
causes !

Shilo is locked in her room most of her life, kept there by her
father (who she thinks is a respected doctor).  She does not
know that he hunts people down and kills them…  She is also
unaware of his amazing singing chops.  Shilo has quite a set
of pipes herself as she belts out angst-filled tunes such as
  “Infected” and “Seventeen” (the latter featuring Joan Jett) !

In addition to Joan Jett, the legendary Sarah Brightman is on
board to give this flick some mad creds.  She plays an opera
singer named “Blind Mag”…  A woman with a debt to GeneCo
signed in blood for her totally trippy digital eyes !  Shilo has
always worshipped Mag from afar, and fate ends up bringing
them together as they join forces against the evil Rotti.

Rotti wants to destroy all of our anti-heroes, but he actually
cares for Shilo in a distorted kind of way…  His children are a
pack of self-absorbed losers.  Upon hearing that he does not
have long to live, he puts Shilo to the test as a possible heir
to his legacy.

Truly a horrific bunch, Rotti Largo’s progeny want nothing but 
gold, fame and drugs. This is evident in the strangely catchy
“Mark It Up” number, where the two brothers vie for dominant
positions in the company while their sister looks on.

The fellows are Luigi and Pavi, (both sociopaths) and the girl is
Amber Sweet…  Amber is portrayed rather sympathetically by a
  vamped-out Paris Hilton !  Selfish at first, she is the only one in 
  this group that shows empathy or remorse for her mean actions
when the curtain falls.


341128681_m4Djg-M.0.0.0x0.432x347[1] by you.
I See Paris.  I See France.  I See Leather
Underpants !!!


  Trouble with Amber is, she is addicted to many terrible things…
  She loves getting multiple surgeries, just for the thrill of it.  And
she is hooked on a blue liquid drug called Zydrate.

~  ~ ~

To better explain, here’s part of the song “Zydrate Anatomy”
(as sung by Graverobber and The Zydrate Support Group).

Zydrate comes in a little glass vile…  And the little glass vile
goes into the gun like a battery.  And the Zydrate gun goes
somewhere against your anatomy.  And when the gun goes
off, it sparks, and you’re ready for surgery.  Surgery…

It’s clean.

It’s clear.

It’s pure.

It’s rare.

It takes you there.

~  ~  ~  ~ ~


 All of this becomes BIG trouble for Amber, when she looses
face in front of everyone.  Literally.  Her face falls off and
 hits the ground.  (Not really much of a stretch for Hilton) !

Indeed, everything is leading us up to a Grand Guignol style 
finale.  One that makes even “Sweeney Todd” look like a fun
 and comical romp !!!  All of the players wind up on stage for
GeneCo’s annual “Genetic Opera”, where Blind Mag is slated
to perform her last song ever, “Chromaggia”.

Her retirement gets started a tad bit early, however, when
 a harness she uses to fly across the stage breaks over the 
set.  She plummets down and gets impaled on a gate… 

Sarah Brightman’s latest CD:  $18.00

Sarah Brightman live in concert:  $200.00

Sarah Brightman impaled on a gate:  Priceless

 ~  ~

Shilo and her father have a showdown with Rotti and his kids
soon after Mag’s demise.  In true operatic fashion, people die
tragic (and grizzly) deaths as old secrets are revealed.

This film won’t be everyone’s cup of tea.  After watching it, I
was disgusted.  But the songs were stuck in my head, and in
no time I bought the soundtrack.  It’s sick…  Yet slick !  You
have been duly warned.     

Fierce fun, “Repo! The Genetic Opera” scores with gore !!!


Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “7.5” out of “10”



Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Memories of 2007”

2007 ?  I’ve Just Gotta See This !!!

~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
My Spethal Lisp Edithon
Ugh, my fingers were off center !  Not “Lisp”… “List” !
My Special List Edition !

July is upon us !  I am excited, yet at the same time a little blue
(Just add some red and white and we have ourselves a flag) !  My  
AWESOME “Best of 2008″ extravaganza will be out in just six short
months.  Yes folks, we are halfway there !  With films like “Iron Man”
and “Wall-E” gracing the screens, figuring out my choice for “Movie
 of the Year” is not going to be an easy task…  And don’t forget, we
have “Batman” coming soon to a cave near you ! 

In the meantime, to curb my cinematic “list” cravings, let’s take a look
back on my personal faves from 2007.  Some of you will be shocked.
Others, probably tickled.  But EVERYONE will be entertained with my 
spin on these recent hits (now gracing the new release walls of your
favorite video store)…

 Daniel’s Critical Corner Proudly Presents: The BEST of 2007 !!!

The envelope, please…  And will someone shut that cricket UP !


I Can Barely Contain My Excitement !



Number 1:  300

Proving, once and for all,
that guys with beards RULE.


Number 2:  Elizabeth:  The Golden Age

Proving, once and for all,
that girls with beards RULE.


Number 3:  The Simpsons Movie

D’ohnt miss it !  It’s D’ohlightful !


Number 4:  Mr. Bean’s Holiday

He doesn’t have to say much to make us laugh.


Number 5:  The Mist

Wait until you see what’s in THE MIST !
Hint:  It isn’t a gorilla…


Oh Dear GOD !  That’s NOT Sigourney Weaver !!!



Number 6:  The Great Debaters

They are great indeed !!!  Denzel is Swell !!!


Number 7:  Ratatouille

A blue rat with a pink nose cooks food.
(No different than a trip to “Burger King”)


Number 8:  Underdog

You can’t go wrong with a dog in a cape !


Number 9:  Pan’s Labyrinth

David Bowie, Eat your heart out  !


Number 10:  Live Free or Die Hard

But only if you’ve had an erection that
lasts for more than four hours.



Honorable Mentions:

“Pirates of the Caribbean:  At World’s End”


Mascara-Wearing Pirates Chase Booty !  Yo Ho Ho !


“Kite Runner”
“Spider-Man 3”
“The Host”
“Harry Potter”
(Order of the Phoenix)



Below are some great movies from 2007…

FOR ME TO POOP ON !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Give me a stick and I’ll kill it.

The Golden Compass

Comp ass ?  You get what you pay for.

(Besides, polar bears aren’t supposed to run
around in funny outfits.  They are supposed
to just sit around and drink Coke).

American Gangster

Ruby Dee RULES.  Russell Crowe DROOLS.

Lions For Lambs

And just what would lambs do with
the aforementioned lions ?  That’s like
calling a movie “Birds For Worms”.

El Cantante

That’s Spanish for “This Movie BLOWS”.

Hannibal Rising

Someone please take away his VIAGRA !

No Country For Old Men

As if.  The only Oscar this movie
deserved was of the “Mayer Weiner”

The Invasion

Nicole Kidman is attacked by
bad movie reviews


You Gave My Movie A “5.5” ?


 LOL !  Hope you enjoyed my best (and worst) lists of 2007 !  It was
fun looking back…  Just wait until I whip out 2008 !  In the meantime,
thanks for stopping by and have a great Fourth of July Weekend !!!


Daniel’s Critical Corner: “I Am Legend”

OUCH !  This “Daniel” Dude Is REALLY Tearing Apart My Movie !

 ~  Hello Everyone  ~ 
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !!!
Under The Microscope Today:  I Am Legend

 This flick had me ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT from start to finish…
Because I couldn’t WAIT to put in a different DVD !!!

“I Am Legend” stars none other than Will Smith.  Popular, yes…
But legend…  NO.  The title (if you ask me) is rather egotistical
and pretentious.  “I Am The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air” has a better
ring to it.

I finally saw this movie at the request of my HORDES of adoring fans,
(Three of the nicest people you will ever meet) !

Ha Ha Ha !  Anyway,

It seems a lot of people have already seen “Legend”, and everybody
just wanted to know what I thought of it…  Well folks, to be quite
honest,  I thunk it stunk !!! 


The Fresh Prince…  In A STALE Movie


To it’s credit, “Legend” starts off strong…  We have Will Smith roaming the
abandoned streets of New York City with his dog “Sam”.  It looks like Smith
is the last man alive on Earth, but he is holding on to the hope that he will
find someone still breathing…  Apparently a virus of sorts took over the
world, killing (maybe) everyone.  For reasons unexplained, our friend is
immune to it…

As it turns out, a small percentage of people did survive the initial outbreak…
But most of them have become zombies, and they want to EAT Will Smith ALIVE !
(But then again, who doesn’t) ?

These “zombies” are CGI at it’s worst…  They ALL look like Sinead O’Connor, and
they have a strange penchant for wearing cut-off jeans.  The guy zombies all go
without shirts, and the girl zombies wear sports bras.  They are supposed to only
be “rabid”, but all of them seem to have Super Zombie Powers.




“Legend’s” zombies leap tall buildings in a single bound, and do more
acrobats than a “Cirque Du Soleil” troupe.  They even cling to ceilings !
But they have a weakness…  SUNLIGHT.  Just like vampires, they can only
come out at night.  Good idea.  The effects in this movie are so lame it’s
better to keep em’ in the dark.

Now, I’m a big fan of zombie flicks, (old AND new).  However, I must
draw the line somewhere.  Take “Night of the Living Dead”, for example…
GREAT movie.  A Classic !  Or how about “28 Days Later”…?  A new twist on
an old tale…  THOSE zombies were cool.  Even the zombies in “Shaun of the
Dead” were kind of creepy.  But the “Legend” zombies…  PATHETIC !
Scare Factor:  ZERO.

Did I mention that these “rabid” zombies are actually smart ?  They set
traps, hold grudges, and answer to an “Alpha-Zombie” (who seems to be
their leader).  But it raises the question:  How does one become a
“Zombie Leader” ?

Do they vote ?  Are they required to have at least two years prior zombie
experience?  Do you have to be DEAD to be a zombie leader…?  Could you
get away with discriminating against the living ?  Does a win in Pennsylvania
guarantee you will go all the way?  Hmmm…

So during the day, Smith walks around New York with his dog and makes
friends with mannequins.  That’s right…  MANNEQUINS.  He even becomes
real good pals with one he has named “Fred”.  It’s sort of like Tom Hanks in
“Cast Away”, making friends with that ball.

I guess if I were all by myself, I’d probably make friends with something strange…
  But it wouldn’t be with mannequins (or balls).  I think I would make friends with a
 really nice shrub.  I’d water it, talk to it, and name it “Joe”.

Anyway, as the movie “progresses”, we are hit with a couple of chilling
plot twists…


WARNING Plot Spoilers Ahead !


“Sam” is actually…  A Female !  (“Sam” is short for “Samantha”) !!!

It’s kind of like “The Crying Game”, (minus the Boy George tune).
And besides, Smith already knew the dog was a girl the entire time,
so he doesn’t throw up or anything.

OK, if that’s not enough “twist” for you…  Smith is not ALONE.
Turns out some chick with an accent (and some kid who does not
speak) are running around New York alive and well.  Go figure.
The woman loves God, and has a butterfly tattoo.  She also (for
some strange reason) has never heard of “Bob Marley”.  That’s all
we find out about her.  I guess that’s all we need to know.

We never learn why the kid doesn’t talk, he just sort of walks around
in shock.  LAME.  Probably because of that writer’s strike.  If he spoke,
they wold have to pay him an extra five dollars or something.  Everyone was
affected by that darn strike !  They turned the “Golden Globes” into nothing
more than “Tarnished Turds”.


Damn !  I’m Not Trying To Cross THAT Picket Line Again…!


There is one sad scene where Smith and Sam are attacked by “zombie dogs”.
Yep.  Zombie dogs.  Poor Sam does not obey her owner, and instead of getting
in the car like she is told, she gets CHEWED UP.  Proof once more that even in
a post-apocalyptic world, leash laws should still apply.

Of course, along the way we get to hear some stellar quotes from Will Smith !

Such As:

“I like Shrek”…

“I was saving that bacon”…

“The cure is in her blood”…

Well, being from the 80’s, “The Cure” is in my blood as well.  Also you
will find some “Depeche Mode” and a little “Bananarama”.  LOL !!!

One thing is for sure:  Where there is a “Will”, there is a way…
To make money.  Yes, Smith is a good actor.  But these days
he just seems to be in the Pursuit of Crappyness.

I Am Legend…?  No.  I’m afraid not.  YOU are another bad movie.


Would I Recommend This  ?  NO

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “6” out of “10”



Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Lions For Lambs”

 No, It’s NOT Another “Hannibal” Sequel !


Today’s Top Story:  Lions For Lambs

Our movie opens (quite simply enough), with an aerial view
of the Iraqi Desert.

We are looking down on the BARREN wasteland from an “eagle’s eye” perspective:
Nothing but miles and miles of scorched earth, (marked with dry scaling and
dark cracks that seem to go on forever).  Not a drop of water is to be found
as the rough and rugged terrain seems to have no end

Then we realize it’s not Iraq at all. 
It’s a close-up of Robert Redford’s FACE.

He seems to be trying to say something…  The camera pulls away (Thank GOD)
and we actually see that Mr. Redford is talking to someone,
(A young man wearing a very LOUD Hawaiian shirt)…!

As the first scene in “Lions For Lambs” unfolds, we realize the young man is in fact
a college student, and Robert Redford is his professor.  The kid apparently has been
missing class, so his concerned teacher is giving him a tongue lashing through
false teeth and leather lips.

What in the WORLD happened to this once handsome actor ?  The ravages of 
AGE have caught up to him I guess…  Couldn’t they have at least smeared some
petroleum jelly on the camera lens to “soften” up his appearance ?  Maybe put
a filter on it ?  Even a coffee filter would work…  Make an effort !


Robert Redford, Eying An Oscar


When someone said ” Check out this script “,  Robert thought they said “crypt”.
Is there a plastic surgeon in the house ?  Hmmmph.  He needs to retire and just
stick to pawning off his salad dressing.  Oh wait, that’s the other old dude.
Well, regardless…  He should try to sell SOMETHING.  With his looks I’m
thinking “croutons”, but that’s just me.

Anywho, Robert Deadford…  Um, I mean REDford tries to suck the life out of
the young man by talking him TO DEATH.  They go round and round on the subject
of joining the military.  Rob seems to be against it…  Something about “wasted
potential”.  Speaking of wasted potential, did I mention Meryl Streep is in this
flick as well ?

Meryl plays a woman whose glory days are WELL behind her (big stretch).
She is a reporter, looking to breathe some new life into her career by getting
an exclusive interview with a powerful politician.  Her character looks like a
frumpy version of Martha Stewart, (More “Circle K” than “Kmart“).


Goodbye Prada,
Hello “Lederhosen”


Well, the aforementioned politician is played (unconvincingly) by Tom Cruise.
Meryl Streep gets to interview him, and the “talk-fest” begins.  The conversation
revolves around the current war on terror, but it sounds like everything they say
is being read straight from a newspaper.  Not ONE original idea to be found here.
Tom has the “kill em’ all” mentality, and Meryl takes the side of “Maybe we
shouldn’t be in the Middle East”.

As the “banter” continues, one is inclined to stare at Tom Cruise’s eyebrows…
There is really nothing else to do.  Now, is it just me, or is Tom getting a “Unibrow”…?
He’s had a permanent look of consternation on his face for a few years now, and I
think his eyebrows are starting to grow TOGETHER !!!

Whatever happened to the cute kid from “Risky Business”…?  He used to be a
sex symbol, now he’s a vex symbol.

After this mundane fare, Tom had better HOPE there will be a  “Mission:
Impossible 4”, because he’s gonna need something to revive his…

Ohhhh!  Sorry to stop “mid-sentence”…  But I JUST figured out who he looks
like !  “Sam The Eagle” from the Muppet Show !!! 
(Came to me out of the blue as I was typing) !


Tom Cruise Now Starring In “Lions For Lambs”


Anyway, the movie just goes back and forth between Robert Redford talking to the
student and Meryl chatting with Tom.  This is the kind of film that you can take as many
bathroom breaks as you want and nothing will be missed.  Heck, do yourself a favor and
take a 90 minute bathroom break.  This DUD has about as much entertainment value as a
congressional debate.

Sprinkled on top of all of this is a very small bit of action…
A couple of soldiers (who were once Robert Redford’s students) are flying in a plane
over some pretty dangerous territory.  The plane is shot at, and one of the guys is hit
(thus falling out of the plane).  A few moments later, his buddy decides to jump out
after him.  Somehow, they manage to land just a few feet from each other.
(C’mon now REALLY…  What are the chances)?

The guys are hurt and can’t move.  So they just lay there and talk.

Sounds like my love life.  A couple of minutes of action and then an HOUR of
“talking”.  JUST GO HOME.  Sheesh !  Suuuure I’ll call you…

Whoops, I’m getting off track…  Where was I ?  The popcorn was good… 
The pickle was average…  I think they gave me a regular “Coke” instead
of “Diet”…  I HATE when they do that !  Hmmm…  Movie, movie…
Um… Oh yea…

A couple of times the guys shoot their guns in the general direction of the
enemy, (I’m thinking they did that to wake up the people in the audience that
have fallen asleep).  One woman was so startled she dropped the book she
was reading !

The only good thing I can say about this film is that Robert Redford and Meryl
Streep do a great job even with the weak material.  Tom Cruise however, can’t
act his way out of a paper bag (and Meryl Streep appears to be wearing one).

This is the type of movie you forget about ever having seen the moment you leave
the theater…  Let me tell you, it’s a good thing I tied a string around my finger or this
review would have NEVER been written !!!  LOL !!!

More bore than roar, “Lions For Lambs” is LAMEO.


Would I Recommend This ?  NO

Daniel’s Critical Rating…  “4.5” out of “10”