Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Iron Man”

 
Stop !!! (In The Name Of Glove)  

 ~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Soaring High Today:  Iron Man

 Move over Spider, Bat and Super, there’s a new MAN in town !!!

Let’s kick this review off with a startling confession…  One that may shock you…
I was not AT ALL looking forward to seeing “Iron Man”.  There.  I said it. 
(I’m not proud),  but at least it’s out in the open.  Don’t act so surprised.  I’ve
confessed to worse !  And, in regards to that, I have not been to that midget
site since November.

It’s all true I’m afraid (about me not wanting to see the “Iron Man” movie). 
Don’t get me wrong,  I never had anything against the guy per se, but first of  
all what did I really know about him?  Nada.  Zip.  Zilch.  Goose Egg.  Secondly, the
previews left me flat.  Charlie Chaplin running around in a robot suit ?   Just some
average dude running around in armor?  Beavis and Butt-Head style music ?  This
 film had “One Trick Pony” written ALL over it.  And if you ask me, our hero 
kind of looks like a cross between a “Transformer” and a “Teletubbie”. 

Also, as it would seem, “Iron Man” is without “sex appeal”.  Spider-Man has his
tights, Batman has his rubber nipples, and Wonder Woman has her “Wonderbra”
(Plus she ties you up when you’ve been naughty)…   So what on Earth does Iron
Man have ?  Allow me to enlighten you…  He has a nice CAN!!!  (Badomp Bomp) !

Well, it’s now safe to say that ALL of my preconceived notions melted away as I 
 was slowly drawn in (and then completely mesmerized) by this exciting adventure !

First off , we get to learn a little about Tony Stark, (played by Robert Downey Jr.).
Stark is a super rich playboy, who lives the high life. Granted,  the “high” life is not
much of a stretch for Robert …  At any rate, Tony is the owner of a very successful
weapons manufacturing company.  On a trip to the Middle East, he is kidnapped by
terrorists who force him to start building a bomb.  It isn’t long however, before he
himself becomes “Da Bomb” as the super-suited Iron Man !

 

iron-man-plastic[1] by you.
Remove Your Hand…  I Am NOT A “Coke” Machine !

 

It’s awesome to watch the spectacle as Tony (dressed in robotic armor)
starts mopping up the dessert with terrorist scum.  Appropriately, the
soundtrack breaks out into heavy metal as (one by one), assorted baddies
are ripped to shreds by this magnificent machine ! 

Seeing the error of his ways, our shiny hero decides to start doing good
with his company, and he wants out of the weapons business.  Unfortunately,
in the process he manages to piss off (of all people) Jeff Bridges.  I don’t know
about you, but I  personally wouldn’t want to mess with Jeff Bridges. 
Of course, hijinks ensue…

Jeff (giving Lex Luthor a run for his money in the bald villain department), decides
the only way to beat a guy in a robot costume is to build a BIGGER robot costume.
What results is one of the most thrilling good guy/bad guy confrontations in recent 
history.  Nuts really start to fly as they bang the HECK out of each other !  

In no time at all, Robert Downey Jr. manages to turn Jeff Bridge’s
Hard Drive into Software !

 


An Accident During Filming: One Of The Cars From “Speed Racer” Crashed
Onto The “Iron Man” Set.

 

Now I’ve got to mention the rather gratuitous “love interest”, played (charmingly) 
 by Gwyneth Paltrow.  WOW !  Haven’t seen her in a while.  Nope…  To be honest,    
I’ve never really managed to see her in much of anything.   I do seem to remember  
her being in the movie “Seven”.  She was the head in Brad Pitt’s box !!!  (Not to be
confused with Justin Timberlake’s popular “Saturday Night Live” skit). 

Glancing at IMDB, it appears Paltrow won an Oscar for “Shakespeare In Love”. 
Hmmmph…  Sounds boring.  Granted, “Elizabeth: The Golden Age” looked rather
dull and I LOVED it, but I was kind of forced to see that.  If someone kicks down 
my door and makes me watch “Shakespeare In Love” at gunpoint, then so be it. 
Maybe I will like it.  But until that time I’m going to have to live without.  Pity.

Regardless, Gwyneth is AWESOME in “Iron Man” , (as is everyone else) !!!
And stick around until after the credits, for a pretty sweet cameo from…
? ? ?

Ha Ha !  I’m not going to tell you.  You have got to go see for yourself !
But this movie is worth seeing from start to finish anyway.  Multiple times. 
Robert Downey Jr. has really raised the bar in this genre, doing an incredible job
playing the consummate super hero “alter ego”.  What is really novel about
this film is that it goes against the traditional “isolated and lonely” hero persona.
As a matter of fact, Tony Stark was very lonely UNTIL he became Iron Man !
Talk about IRONY !  Ha Ha !

His robot suit is even complete with a wise-cracking computer system.  It talks
 to him  (and yes, keeps him company) on his missions.  And if that’s not enough,  
Tony even chats with some friends on his cell phone while he is kicking some
butt.  A far cry from “Bat Man” running to the shadows after a battle, sobbing 
his little heart out over his long dead parents.  It’s been what, 40 years now ? 
Get over it.  Get therapy.  Maybe that’s why this poor guy can’t keep a
girlfriend for more than two hours.  No…  Robin doesn’t count.  LOL !!!

“Iron Man” is solid entertainment !  Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto !!!

~

Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “10” out of “10”

 

 

 

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “I Am Legend”

  
OUCH !  This “Daniel” Dude Is REALLY Tearing Apart My Movie !

 ~  Hello Everyone  ~ 
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !!!
Under The Microscope Today:  I Am Legend

 This flick had me ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT from start to finish…
Because I couldn’t WAIT to put in a different DVD !!!

“I Am Legend” stars none other than Will Smith.  Popular, yes…
But legend…  NO.  The title (if you ask me) is rather egotistical
and pretentious.  “I Am The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air” has a better
ring to it.

I finally saw this movie at the request of my HORDES of adoring fans,
(Three of the nicest people you will ever meet) !

Ha Ha Ha !  Anyway,

It seems a lot of people have already seen “Legend”, and everybody
just wanted to know what I thought of it…  Well folks, to be quite
honest,  I thunk it stunk !!! 

 

 
The Fresh Prince…  In A STALE Movie

 

To it’s credit, “Legend” starts off strong…  We have Will Smith roaming the
abandoned streets of New York City with his dog “Sam”.  It looks like Smith
is the last man alive on Earth, but he is holding on to the hope that he will
find someone still breathing…  Apparently a virus of sorts took over the
world, killing (maybe) everyone.  For reasons unexplained, our friend is
immune to it…

As it turns out, a small percentage of people did survive the initial outbreak…
But most of them have become zombies, and they want to EAT Will Smith ALIVE !
(But then again, who doesn’t) ?

These “zombies” are CGI at it’s worst…  They ALL look like Sinead O’Connor, and
they have a strange penchant for wearing cut-off jeans.  The guy zombies all go
without shirts, and the girl zombies wear sports bras.  They are supposed to only
be “rabid”, but all of them seem to have Super Zombie Powers.

 

 
Sinead OF THE DEAD

 

“Legend’s” zombies leap tall buildings in a single bound, and do more
acrobats than a “Cirque Du Soleil” troupe.  They even cling to ceilings !
But they have a weakness…  SUNLIGHT.  Just like vampires, they can only
come out at night.  Good idea.  The effects in this movie are so lame it’s
better to keep em’ in the dark.

Now, I’m a big fan of zombie flicks, (old AND new).  However, I must
draw the line somewhere.  Take “Night of the Living Dead”, for example…
GREAT movie.  A Classic !  Or how about “28 Days Later”…?  A new twist on
an old tale…  THOSE zombies were cool.  Even the zombies in “Shaun of the
Dead” were kind of creepy.  But the “Legend” zombies…  PATHETIC !
Scare Factor:  ZERO.

Did I mention that these “rabid” zombies are actually smart ?  They set
traps, hold grudges, and answer to an “Alpha-Zombie” (who seems to be
their leader).  But it raises the question:  How does one become a
“Zombie Leader” ?

Do they vote ?  Are they required to have at least two years prior zombie
experience?  Do you have to be DEAD to be a zombie leader…?  Could you
get away with discriminating against the living ?  Does a win in Pennsylvania
guarantee you will go all the way?  Hmmm…

So during the day, Smith walks around New York with his dog and makes
friends with mannequins.  That’s right…  MANNEQUINS.  He even becomes
real good pals with one he has named “Fred”.  It’s sort of like Tom Hanks in
“Cast Away”, making friends with that ball.

I guess if I were all by myself, I’d probably make friends with something strange…
  But it wouldn’t be with mannequins (or balls).  I think I would make friends with a
 really nice shrub.  I’d water it, talk to it, and name it “Joe”.

Anyway, as the movie “progresses”, we are hit with a couple of chilling
plot twists…

******************************

WARNING Plot Spoilers Ahead !

******************************

“Sam” is actually…  A Female !  (“Sam” is short for “Samantha”) !!!

It’s kind of like “The Crying Game”, (minus the Boy George tune).
And besides, Smith already knew the dog was a girl the entire time,
so he doesn’t throw up or anything.

OK, if that’s not enough “twist” for you…  Smith is not ALONE.
Turns out some chick with an accent (and some kid who does not
speak) are running around New York alive and well.  Go figure.
The woman loves God, and has a butterfly tattoo.  She also (for
some strange reason) has never heard of “Bob Marley”.  That’s all
we find out about her.  I guess that’s all we need to know.

We never learn why the kid doesn’t talk, he just sort of walks around
in shock.  LAME.  Probably because of that writer’s strike.  If he spoke,
they wold have to pay him an extra five dollars or something.  Everyone was
affected by that darn strike !  They turned the “Golden Globes” into nothing
more than “Tarnished Turds”.

 

 
Damn !  I’m Not Trying To Cross THAT Picket Line Again…!

 

There is one sad scene where Smith and Sam are attacked by “zombie dogs”.
Yep.  Zombie dogs.  Poor Sam does not obey her owner, and instead of getting
in the car like she is told, she gets CHEWED UP.  Proof once more that even in
a post-apocalyptic world, leash laws should still apply.

Of course, along the way we get to hear some stellar quotes from Will Smith !

Such As:

“I like Shrek”…

“I was saving that bacon”…

“The cure is in her blood”…

Well, being from the 80’s, “The Cure” is in my blood as well.  Also you
will find some “Depeche Mode” and a little “Bananarama”.  LOL !!!

One thing is for sure:  Where there is a “Will”, there is a way…
To make money.  Yes, Smith is a good actor.  But these days
he just seems to be in the Pursuit of Crappyness.

I Am Legend…?  No.  I’m afraid not.  YOU are another bad movie.

~

Would I Recommend This  ?  NO

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “6” out of “10”

 

 

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Lions For Lambs”

 No, It’s NOT Another “Hannibal” Sequel !

~

Today’s Top Story:  Lions For Lambs

Our movie opens (quite simply enough), with an aerial view
of the Iraqi Desert.

We are looking down on the BARREN wasteland from an “eagle’s eye” perspective:
Nothing but miles and miles of scorched earth, (marked with dry scaling and
dark cracks that seem to go on forever).  Not a drop of water is to be found
as the rough and rugged terrain seems to have no end

Then we realize it’s not Iraq at all. 
It’s a close-up of Robert Redford’s FACE.

He seems to be trying to say something…  The camera pulls away (Thank GOD)
and we actually see that Mr. Redford is talking to someone,
(A young man wearing a very LOUD Hawaiian shirt)…!

As the first scene in “Lions For Lambs” unfolds, we realize the young man is in fact
a college student, and Robert Redford is his professor.  The kid apparently has been
missing class, so his concerned teacher is giving him a tongue lashing through
false teeth and leather lips.

What in the WORLD happened to this once handsome actor ?  The ravages of 
AGE have caught up to him I guess…  Couldn’t they have at least smeared some
petroleum jelly on the camera lens to “soften” up his appearance ?  Maybe put
a filter on it ?  Even a coffee filter would work…  Make an effort !

 


Robert Redford, Eying An Oscar

 

When someone said ” Check out this script “,  Robert thought they said “crypt”.
Is there a plastic surgeon in the house ?  Hmmmph.  He needs to retire and just
stick to pawning off his salad dressing.  Oh wait, that’s the other old dude.
Well, regardless…  He should try to sell SOMETHING.  With his looks I’m
thinking “croutons”, but that’s just me.

Anywho, Robert Deadford…  Um, I mean REDford tries to suck the life out of
the young man by talking him TO DEATH.  They go round and round on the subject
of joining the military.  Rob seems to be against it…  Something about “wasted
potential”.  Speaking of wasted potential, did I mention Meryl Streep is in this
flick as well ?

Meryl plays a woman whose glory days are WELL behind her (big stretch).
She is a reporter, looking to breathe some new life into her career by getting
an exclusive interview with a powerful politician.  Her character looks like a
frumpy version of Martha Stewart, (More “Circle K” than “Kmart“).

 


Goodbye Prada,
Hello “Lederhosen”

 

Well, the aforementioned politician is played (unconvincingly) by Tom Cruise.
Meryl Streep gets to interview him, and the “talk-fest” begins.  The conversation
revolves around the current war on terror, but it sounds like everything they say
is being read straight from a newspaper.  Not ONE original idea to be found here.
Tom has the “kill em’ all” mentality, and Meryl takes the side of “Maybe we
shouldn’t be in the Middle East”.

As the “banter” continues, one is inclined to stare at Tom Cruise’s eyebrows…
There is really nothing else to do.  Now, is it just me, or is Tom getting a “Unibrow”…?
He’s had a permanent look of consternation on his face for a few years now, and I
think his eyebrows are starting to grow TOGETHER !!!

Whatever happened to the cute kid from “Risky Business”…?  He used to be a
sex symbol, now he’s a vex symbol.

After this mundane fare, Tom had better HOPE there will be a  “Mission:
Impossible 4”, because he’s gonna need something to revive his…

Ohhhh!  Sorry to stop “mid-sentence”…  But I JUST figured out who he looks
like !  “Sam The Eagle” from the Muppet Show !!! 
(Came to me out of the blue as I was typing) !

 


Tom Cruise Now Starring In “Lions For Lambs”

 

Anyway, the movie just goes back and forth between Robert Redford talking to the
student and Meryl chatting with Tom.  This is the kind of film that you can take as many
bathroom breaks as you want and nothing will be missed.  Heck, do yourself a favor and
take a 90 minute bathroom break.  This DUD has about as much entertainment value as a
congressional debate.

Sprinkled on top of all of this is a very small bit of action…
A couple of soldiers (who were once Robert Redford’s students) are flying in a plane
over some pretty dangerous territory.  The plane is shot at, and one of the guys is hit
(thus falling out of the plane).  A few moments later, his buddy decides to jump out
after him.  Somehow, they manage to land just a few feet from each other.
(C’mon now REALLY…  What are the chances)?

The guys are hurt and can’t move.  So they just lay there and talk.

Sounds like my love life.  A couple of minutes of action and then an HOUR of
“talking”.  JUST GO HOME.  Sheesh !  Suuuure I’ll call you…

Whoops, I’m getting off track…  Where was I ?  The popcorn was good… 
The pickle was average…  I think they gave me a regular “Coke” instead
of “Diet”…  I HATE when they do that !  Hmmm…  Movie, movie…
Um… Oh yea…

A couple of times the guys shoot their guns in the general direction of the
enemy, (I’m thinking they did that to wake up the people in the audience that
have fallen asleep).  One woman was so startled she dropped the book she
was reading !

The only good thing I can say about this film is that Robert Redford and Meryl
Streep do a great job even with the weak material.  Tom Cruise however, can’t
act his way out of a paper bag (and Meryl Streep appears to be wearing one).

This is the type of movie you forget about ever having seen the moment you leave
the theater…  Let me tell you, it’s a good thing I tied a string around my finger or this
review would have NEVER been written !!!  LOL !!!

More bore than roar, “Lions For Lambs” is LAMEO.

~

Would I Recommend This ?  NO

Daniel’s Critical Rating…  “4.5” out of “10”

 

 

 

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Horton Hears A Who!”

 


Here’s Looking At “Who” Kid !

~ It is fair to say that there is no accounting for people’s taste. ~ 

Take this dude Horton, for example… 
Personally, if I were going to go with a classic rock vibe, I’d be spinning some
“Rolling Stones” or maybe some “Beatles”.  But if Horton digs The “Who”,
more power to him.  But really, does anyone know what they sing…? 
Can you name ONE song ?  I…  Oh.  Oops.

Looks like I read the title wrong. 
Horton hears “A” Who, not “The” Who.  I hate when I do that.  Sorry. 
LOL !  Well, for those of you not familiar with the wonderful world of Dr.
Seuss,  the “Whos” are little people that live in the strangest places.  In
How The Grinch Stole Christmas they are found on a snowflake !  The
snowflake eventually melts, so when they show up in How The Grinch
Ruined Hanukkah
,  they reside in Barbara Streisand’s butt-crack. 

In Horton Hears A Who!, the little buggers live on a speck of dust. 
Please, put your Swiffer Sweepers down…  You could be hurtin’ the Whos !  

Horton is an elephant (voiced by Jim Carrey).  The speck of dust floats by our
pleasant pachyderm, and (with his big elephant ears) he hears the little people
crying for help.

…It’s lucky for the Whos that they didn’t float by “Helen Keller” !

Now, I’m not a big fan of elephants…  But this movie has changed my mind.
What have we really had up until now…?  “Dumbo” ? 

As IF.  I’m sorry kids, but first of all, who names ANYTHING “Dumbo”. 
And what’s with the  “Hot Dog On A Stick” uniform he wears ?  Hmmmph.  
They should have called him “Retardo”.  That’s like the ONLY Disney film that
never goes away…  “The Little Mermaid”  (for example) is only on DVD for a
few weeks, than WHOOSH, it’s gone.  Same with “Beauty And The Beast”. 
You have to wait ten years before they release it again.  But “Dumbo” is
ALWAYS around, gathering dust at Kmart.  I should finally pick up a copy,
and use it as a coaster.  But I digress…

Horton is living a happy-go-lucky life in the jungle, but his world is turned
upside down by the discovery of “Whoville”.   
Basically, all of Horton’s friends think he is on drugs.

 


Take Trips Get High, Laugh Joke And Goodbye
Beat Drum And Old Tin Pot
I’m High On You Know What !

Beads…Flowers…Freedom…Happiness !

 


This Is Horton’s Brain.

 


This Is Horton’s Brain On Green Eggs And Ham.

 

LOL !!!

Horton really is a good guy.  He talks to the Mayor of Whoville, (who has
96 daughters and one son), and agrees to save the Whos from certain annihilation. 
He decides to take the speck of dust to a flower sheltered by a mountain, where
they can live without fear of destruction.  But there are obstacles they all
must overcome…  Both large and small,  short and tall !

 

 
Who’s Your Daddy ?

 

What follows is a classic tale of humanitarianism… (A person’s a person,
no matter how small), and also a tale of faith.  How can you believe in
something you can’t see ?  Just ask Hillary Clinton.

  This movie really does the story justice,
with a few contemporary spins…  And it works on every level.  
Thank goodness they went the CGI route, instead of gluing elephant
ears on someone.  Remember “The Cat In The Hat”…?  I rest my case.

This flick is up there with the other CGI greats, such as “Finding Nemo”,
“Toy Story”, “Ice Age” and “Shrek”.  It really sets a standard, in a world
that is now saturated with “straight to DVD” CGI junk.

 Horton has to battle an evil vulture, who is doing the bidding of an
evil kangaroo, (voiced by Carol Burnett).  He meets several new pals
along the way, including a fuzzy little girl beastie named Katie.

Katie just makes this movie.  She is representative of EVERY precocious and
gross little girl that ever lived.  She farts, she burps, she eats bugs AND she
is responsible for one of the greatest film quotes to come around in a long time.

Horton is talking to his little dust molecule, and Katie comes along saying:
“In my world, everyone is a pony, and they all eat rainbows
and poop butterflies”!

Ha Ha Ha !

This movie really seems to be doing well, and talks of a sequel are in the works.

And now, a “Critical Corner” exclusive…  A scene from the next Dr. Seuss movie:

“Horton Hears Jack Nicholson Quoting Lines From The Departed!”

 

 

As the first scene opens, we see Horton in a field. 
Jack Nicholson walks by…

Horton:  Hello Sir !  How are you, and why, oh why are you so blue ?

Jack Nicholson:  F**K  OFF !

Horton:  Oh dear, you said a bad word I fear !

Jack Nicholson:  F**K you, I’ll shoot you where you stand ! 

Horton:  Stop, kind sir, you are hurting my ears and causing a stir… 

Jack Nicholson:  You think that hurts ?  Well try this !

(Jack Nicholson brandishes a gun and then pistol-whips Horton).

Horton:  With a sigh, I say today you must DIE !

(Horton then gores Jack Nicholson with his tusks).

~

Hmmm.  Sounds like that will go STRAIGHT to video.   

Oh well, at any rate, don’t miss your chance to catch “Horton
Hears A Who!” on the big screen…

To sum things up:

I meant what I said, and I said what I meant,
if you see “Horton” it is money well spent !

~

Would I Recommend This  ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “9” out of “10”

 

 

 

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “10,000 B.C.”

 


“Oooga ! Boo-oooga ! Schmooga… FUG“.

Translation:
“I just got back from the ‘Dollar Tree’ version of Jurassic Park“.

10,000 B.C.
The “B.C.” stands for “BORING CRAP”.
And the 10,000 is for the number of people (per day) who will be wanting refunds.

Anyone who sits through this movie is going to be Dino”Sore” !
I was hoping for “The Flintstones”, but the only “Bam-Bam” I got
was when I slammed my head against the back of my chair a couple of
times in disgust.
LOL !

In all fairness, I knew this movie was going to be a stinker going in…
Does anyone remember the trailer for it ? We see a view of Earth from the
heavens. Presumably present day. The continents are all lit up, like pretty little
Christmas trees. Then, we go “back” in time, before electricity, and all of a sudden
the Earth is “dark”. Just like that. WOW. Must be the year “10,000” B.C. !!!

I mean, there aren’t any lights for gosh sakes !
(I’m sure it couldn’t be 1868 or 1492).
Nope.
Gotta be prehistoric.

HA !

OK, well, let’s get to the “plot” before any more of us petrify. (A little “Stone
Age” humor there for ya)… Hmm… Well, if that joke didn’t thaw you out, I have
others ! (That was a sample of “Ice Age” humor). Quit moaning. I’m the one that
had to sit through this pile of Yabba Dabba Doo Doo!

…This movie plays out as if someone put a history book in a blender.

Back in the “BC”, there wasn’t much to do. (Except maybe go “clubbin”
every now and again). So we have this guy named “D’leh”. (He should have been
named “B’lah” if you ask me… he is SUCH a BORE). Anyway, our pal is just
your average Stone Age type, wearing animal skins and hunting woolly mammoths.

D’leh is part of a multi-ethnic tribe. The “Yagahl” are a regular melting
pot of people, (as was common back then I guess) ? Their tribe consists of
Native Americans, a few Caucasians, some African Americans, and even someone
of Middle Eastern decent. Fortunately you can tell who belongs to the tribe because
they all wear dreadlocks.


Which Way To The Ziggy Marley Concert?

 

Our movie begins with a voice coming out of nowhere… A narrator who sounds
like Count Dracula on drugs (Voiced by Omar Sharif). He tells of the Yagahl, and
how the “White Rain” AKA snow, brought trouble. I swear, it sounded like he
kept saying “White Train“. Anyway, D’leh likes a certain chick in the tribe
(named Evolet) because she has blue eyes. All of a sudden, a band of
PIRATES on horses come and kidnap her and some other villagers.

The ruler of the village is an ancient woman called “Old Mother”.
She is a cross between the “Boob Lady” from The Simpsons Movie
and Martin Lawrence’s “Big Mama”. She has “magic” powers and foretells
of doom unless the blue-eyed babe is saved. D’leh and two others decide they
must go get her. But not before Old Mother can spit on them for luck. I’m not
kidding ! The shriveled hag actually spits on em’ ! If she would have spit on me,
I would have spit right back. Then, I would have put a finger over my left nostril
and given her a “farm blow”, shooting her in the eye. Finally, I’d probably sit on
her head and she would know flatulence ! As she gasped for air, I would tell her
“The Bean Gods are ANGRY”!

Dripping with spit, our heroes set across the snow covered tundra…
However, it isn’t long before they are in a rain forest and attacked by giant ostriches.
(The ostriches actually look like out of work velociraptors).

They manage to escape the rain forest, only to cross a mountain and end up
in what appears to be the Sahara Desert. They are joined by a few African
tribes, and before long they have “many spears”.

The tribes seem to know where the pirates are taking ol’ blue eyes…
They tell D’leh he better hurry before she is brought to the “Giant Bird”.
GULP ! Sounds pretty ominous… It turns out that the “Giant Bird” is actually
a boat. (Makes perfect sense to me).

Well, after all, the bad guys are pirates… Can’t be a pirate without a ship !

Our rag-tag band of warriors arrive at the river just a few minutes too
late, and they watch in horror as our heroine and the others are swept down the
river in the “Giant Bird”.

“Where are they taking her ?” Asks D’leh.

“To the head of the snake.” Replies the chief of one of the tribes.

“Where is that?”, Responds D’leh.

“I don’t know.” The Chief answers,

“It is a BIG snake”.

Sigh… What a predicament !

Instead of just following the river, they follow a star… And travel for “many moons”.
After crossing over another mountain or two, they end up in Egypt. Now, keep
in mind, over the course of a few days they have gone from what appears to
be Antarctica, then to a rain forest, then to the Sahara Desert and finally to
Egypt… ALL ON FOOT. Heck, these prehistoric guys are STUDS ! Proof
once more that “The Wheel” is overrated. LOL !!!

Well, once in Egypt they find out the chilling truth behind the abduction
of the girl and the tribespeople… They are going to be slaves, used to help
build “The Great Pyramids”. OK, OK, so 10,000 B.C. isn’t really when the
pyramids were built… But in the movies, a 7000 year margin of error
is nothing !

We also see them building the big “Sphincter” ! (Or whatever that lion-body
statue thing with half a face is called).

Oooh ! Did I mention the fact that these Egyptians use woolly mammoths
to help bring the stones up to the top of the pyramids ? Who would have
thunk it? That explains so much ! Also, I have to note that the Egyptians
in this picture are dressed like “Mayans”.

At one point during the movie, someone in the theater let out a
horrific scream… I think the man was a history teacher. He was pulling at
his hair, and he tossed his popcorn at the screen. Then he ran out the exit door
(into the street). The oncoming traffic didn’t seem to bother him, as he fell to
his knees screaming “Take Me NOW” !

I can’t blame him. All these years, what he’s been telling school kids is wrong…
What an eye-opener “10,000 B.C.” turned out to be !!!

As for myself, I kept waiting for George Washington to show up in a space ship.

*Editor’s note
I did a little research, and believe it or not, woolly mammoths were actually
alive at the same time the Great Pyramids (of Giza) were built… (2,500 B.C.)
The fuzzy behemoths were around as recently as 1,500 B.C. ! No wonder we
keep finding fresh ones ! Kind of cool. I thought those things were gone millions
of years ago ! However, being as they are really hairy and indigenous to the cold,
I don’t think they would have lasted long in Egypt. But that’s just me.

In all fairness, there are a couple of “edge-of-your seat” moments… Like when
D’leh is about to be devoured by a saber-toothed tiger !!! He does manage to
escape, (just barely), by shaking his finger at the cat and telling it not to eat him.

Talk about a close call ! Lucky for D’leh, that cat understood English. I mean,
what if it was Russian ? Speaking of, people were “russian” to the exits when this
movie was over. Ugh…


Playing “Tooth” Or Dare !

 

To it’s credit, this movie is at least visually stunning,
and D’leh (played by Steven Strait) is SMOKING hot.
Talk about discovering fire !

That aside, “10,000 B.C.” is a MAMMOTH flop.

~

Would I Recommend This ?  No

Daniel’s Critical Rating: “3.5” out of “10”

 

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “The Simpsons Movie”


DAD, You are NOT “Ghost Rider” !

 Daniels Critical Corner Proudly Presents:  The Simpsons Movie !

Hang on, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride !!!

As I sit here writing this, the comforting warmth of nostalgia is starting
to engulf me.  OK, actually, it’s not nostalgia…  I just dropped a chili dog
in my lap.  But whatever the case may be, there is a warmth.

I’d like to start off this review by taking everyone on a trip with me.
No, not to Hawaii…  Put your hula skirts down.  Let’s go back to 1989 !
That’s the year “The Simpsons” first hit the airwaves.  We are going back in time…
Back…  Baaaaaaack… 


2008…2007…2006…2005…

Back we go…  To a time before “The Family Guy”…


2002…2001…2000…1999…1998…1997…

And to a time even before “South Park”…


1996…1995…1994…1993…1992…1991…

I remember it so well, as if it were only yesterday…

It was the Christmas season (1989) when I first laid my eyes on a “Simpsons”
episode.  The series premiered on a Sunday Night, and I was home relaxing 
(having just completed my very first college finals the Friday before) ! 
There were many commercials for this  “new” animated sitcom on Fox,
and I was intrigued by the concept.  A weekly cartoon at night ??? 
Unheard of ! 

 The first show was actually a Christmas special, titled
“Simpsons Roasting On An Open Fire”. It tells the story of
how the family got their darling dog, “Santa’s Little Helper”.

Well,  let’s just say I wasn’t impressed.  Cartoons were supposed to be cute.
Not VULGAR.  I grew up watching Saturday morning cartoons…  Which consisted
of “The Smurfs”, “Scooby Doo”, “Bugs Bunny” and of course a great assortment
of superheros.  I was also a big fan of the classic “Donald Duck”  shorts.  But as
for “The Simpsons”…  These rather crudely drawn, yellow characters just
rubbed me the wrong way.

Yes folks, back in 1989/1990, I HATED the “Simpsons” !
(Now I’m writing this to the light of my little “Lisa Simpson” desk lamp),
and I’m looking over at my “Treehouse of Horror” Monopoly Game…
People change, tastes change, and thank God I am now a true “Simpsons” fan !!!

When this great show first came out, I only knew TWO of the 60+ people
that are on my friends list on MySpace…  (Hi Kristi) !  And at least TEN
of my aforementioned friends were just babies…  We are going back nineteen
years mind you !  I was a young man, still a teenager (just a couple of months
away from twenty).  Now, I’m four months past Mickey Rooney and three
months shy of DEAD.  LOL !  Well, all kidding aside, 1989 was a very
interesting year…

Ronald Reagan left the White House, Zsa Zsa Gabor slapped a cop, and
Neptune’s moon “Triton” was first seen up close by human eyes thanks to
Voyager II flying by.  Pluto was still classified as a planet !

Madonna had a number one song with her provocative “Like A Prayer”. 
If I remember correctly, she drank a Pepsi while burning a cross and rubbing
her crotch.  Pepsi was NOT amused.  Now, Madonna drinks “Coke”.  They
don’t care what she rubs or burns, they just like the free publicity.

Back in the late eighties, nobody knew what Janet Jackson’s boob looked like.
Now EVERYBODY knows what Janet Jackson’s boob looks like.  Little kids
even draw pictures of it.  But that’s what happens when you let children
watch the Superbowl.  Tsk, tsk…

“The Little Mermaid” made a splash at movie theaters,  and Michael Keaton
battled Jack Nicholson in the first “Batman” movie.  Anyone remember
“Batdance” ?  Ah yes, Prince.  Before he became a “squiggle”.

Ginger Rogers, Marlene Dietrich and Greta Garbo were still alive and kicking,
but we lost Lucille Ball and the legendary Bette Davis (Oh, those EYES) ! 

Olivia de Havilland was also alive and well…  Hmm…  Hold on…  Looks like
SHE is STILL alive and well.  That’s odd.  Guess she’s not dead yet…  But she
should be !  The “Gone With The Wind” star has seen better days, I’m sure. 
I think she died back in 1997 (but no one told her).  So she continues to roam
the Earth…  HUNGRY FOR HUMAN FLESH !!!


Olivia De Havilland, Age 23
“Gone With The Wind”


Olivia De Havilland, Age 91
“Breaking Wind”

What else was going on back in 1989 ?  Well, 74 Titanic survivors were still
on this planet.  Now, there is only ONE.  And let me tell you, she is hanging on
by a thread.  No more throwing jewels overboard for that old dame.  She’s
likely to go over with it !

As for myself, I was a borderline “Greek God” back in the day…
I had rippling muscles that used to glisten in the sun, and I sported a long
flowing mane of light brown hair.  I remember shaking my head from side to side
(in slow motion) as my beautiful, curly locks would cascade down my shoulders.

I used to love riding up the side of the mountain on my horse, hair blowing
in the wind…  People gasping in awe as we would gallop by.


What I Looked Like In 1989


What I Look Like NOW


What I Will Probably Look Like In
Thirty Years

Anywho, “The Simpsons Movie” is really a lot of fun,
(and it features stupendous animation that easily rivals even the best of Disney).
The plot involves Homer getting a pet pig, which he dresses up in funny costumes.
He does the little guy up as “Spider-Pig”, and even “Harry Plopper” ! 
I myself would dress my pig up as Posh Spice or perhaps John McCain.
But that’s just me.

Homer’s pig craps too much, so Homer in his infinite wisdom decides to dump
the poop into Lake Springfield.  BIG mistake.  He causes an (un)natural disaster,
and in no time the government (Led by President Schwarzenegger) covers the
Simpson’s hometown with a giant glass dome.  Chaos ensues, as the Springfield
population descends into madness.  It’s up to Homer and his family to save the day !
Hilarious events unfold as Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie figure out
what they are going to do.  Ya just gotta love these guys…  It’s hard not to see a
little bit of yourself in each of these iconic characters.  Sure, they end up making
fun of everybody…  But there is nothing wrong with being able to
laugh at yourself.

The entire gang is in this movie, from Chief Wiggum to Mr. Burns,
and from Grampa Simpson to Apu !  Even Itchy and Scratchy make an
appearance !  Having a full-length feature film was such a great idea !  I always
felt bad when  “The Simpsons” would end after thirty minutes.  I just wanted
it to keep going.  And thanks to this movie, it does !!!   You can never have
enough of a good thing.  Long live “The Simpsons” !

D’ohnt just take my word for it !  See it for yourself !!!

~

Would I Recommend This ?  YES

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “10” out of “10”