Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1”

Look !  They’re Bringing Out The Figgy Pudding !!!

Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Today’s Mystical Musings To Mull Over:
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1

As Christmas fast approaches, everybody’s scrambling to fill up their cups
with good cheer (and their car trunks with presents).  In the midst of this
hustle and bustle, you may be finding yourself in need of a break.  Where
can we go to escape all the happiness that’s being forced upon us !?

For violence, gore, gloom and sexual overtones, you need not look much
further than “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows”.  Arguably, there are
several other somber cinematic options at the moment, such as “Faster”
and “Saw 3D”…  But if you really want the taste of joy sandblasted from
your mouth, chew on this “Potter” installment.

Director Rob Zombie really gives us a grisly treat as he puts the screws
to the once adorable “Hogwarts” gang !  He…  Whoops…  I meant to say
director David Yates !  What on Earth made me think of Mr. Zombie ?

If you ask me, David Yates has become the new king of carnage.  There
are many stellar examples in this thrilling review, so please read at your
own risk.  Heck, watch the film at your own risk for that matter !!!  Now,
I am not sure if a character named “Charity Burbage” getting swallowed
by a snake (after being tortured) qualifies as carnage, but it’s close !

Our story begins at a press conference (of sorts) where the “Minister of
Magic” is basically telling everyone they are screwed !  A moment later
we see an old, withered man staring out a window…  The harsh ravages
of AGE have been gnawing away at his face !!!  Has “Dumbledore” risen
from the grave ?  Nope…  It’s just Daniel Radcliffe as “Harry Potter”.

I’ve Been Feeling A Little Horse Lately.


Harry’s family, the dreadful “Dursleys” are getting the Hell out of Dodge (so
to speak) because of the horrible, imminent danger headed towards them.
Running away from Privet Drive with their suitcases, they don’t say a word
regarding poor Potter, which is a shame because in the book they actually
show a hint of affection towards the guy.

Let’s face it, with a humble running time of only 146 minutes, how can any
resolution be squeezed in !?  Yes, they squeeze Charity into a snake, but
she was a muggle-loving fool and she deserved it !

Hermione Granger (played again for the umpteenth time by Emma Watson)
also senses impending doom…  To protect her parents, she uses a spell to
erase their memories of her.  That’s all fine and dandy I suppose, until the
rest of her family comes calling, and the neighbors start asking questions !
“But we don’t have a daughter.”  Sure.  Try telling it to the police.

Anyway, our heroes soon rendezvous with the loveable dork “Ronald Bilius
Weasley” AKA “Ron” (played by Rupert Grint, who is really starting to look
more like Rupert Murdoch these days).  Of course, humongous “Hagrid” is
on beard for this adventure as well.  I  mean board.  He’s on board.

In order to get Harry to a safe haven (because vile “Voldemort” is still out
hunting for his head) Hagrid must sneak him out into the night.  Tragically,
there is an ambush, and Potter’s owl “Hedwig” gets her angry inch blown
clean off.  Feathers fly as the fowl is fried !!!

Speaking of hooters, there are a couple of strange scenes presented that
are somewhat inappropriate if you ask me…  “Dolores Umbridge” would not
approve, to say the least !  It’s no secret that Harry wants to snog Ron’s
sister “Ginny”, and they make this quite clear in a rather spicy manner.

 Dirty Harry


A short while later, we see Harry and Hermione (in a fabricated attempt to
make Ron mad) naked and snogging like there was no tomorrow !  Most of
their naughty bits are strategically covered by a tiny puff of smoke, which
implies that “Hallows” was just a small blur away from an “R” rating !

Save it for the stables, Radcliffe !  Now, I do understand that author J. K.
Rowling wants her characters to mature and grow.  They can’t be children
forever (that goes without saying, unless we’re talkin’ about “Peter Pan”).
If he became an adult, should we watch him and “Wendy” hook up ?

Perhaps I am being too harsh.  Hermione is actually a great “kid”, yet she
has terrible fashion sense.  Wearing red to a wedding will never help any
girl’s image.  Shocking, but true !  Miss Granger pulls a fashion faux pas of
mesmerizing proportion at the nuptials of her pal by sporting a red dress…
What’s next ?  White shoes after Labor Day !?

Appalling apparel (and inappropriateness) aside, this seventh installment of
the beloved “Potter” franchise is structurally sound.  Action abounds when
Harry tries to track down various “Horcruxes”, fighting creepy “Snatchers”
and “Death Eaters” on the way !

One or two Death Eaters from the novel seem to be absent…  Rumor has it
they have become vegetarians !  At any rate, favorites such as “Severus
Snape” and “Bellatrix Lestrange” are around.  Such ghoulish monsters bring
an almost unbearable feeling of dread, and at one point Bellatrix bumps off
the hobbit who always brags about his tacky Velcro-strapped boots !

Well, deck the hallows with boughs of holly, and then check out this merry
massacre of a motion picture.  Visually stunning (despite having more tent
scenes than “Brokeback Mountain”) and fast-paced, “Potter” again proves
to be solid entertainment.  Personally, I prefer the earlier, whimsical fare…

“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1”
puts the harm back in charm !


Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating: “7” out of “10”

Daniel’s Critical Corner: “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”

harrypotter6pic47[1] by you.
Harry, Do These “Horse Fancy” Magazines Belong To You ?

Hello Everyone !
~ Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner ~
Today’s Spellbinding Tale:  Harry Potter and the
Half-Blood Prince

Everybody’s favorite boy wizard is back, working his movie magic once more in
what can only be called a breathtaking extravaganza !!!  Hmmm…  Wait just a
moment.  Can I still call this dude a “boy” wizard ?  That’s like referring to Don
Rickles as a “boy” comedian !  Or calling Joe Biden a “boy” vice president…  At
any rate, “Harry Potter” has returned (albeit a little long in the tooth).

Speaking of long in the tooth… What on Earth has happened to Maggie Smith ?
She again plays the Professor of Transfiguration “Minerva McGonagall”, who we
first met as an old, shaggy pussy of sorts.  (Remember her taking the shape of
 a feline in “The Sorcerer’s Stone”) ?  Now it appears as if she is trying to pass 
some stones after morphing herself into Bette Davis from “Hush… Hush, Sweet
Charlotte”.  This geriatric gal’s a grumpy psycho !!!

When Prof. McGonagall graces appears on the screen in “Harry Potter and the
Half-Blood Prince”, I audibly said “Oh, My GOD !”, as little kids in the audience
started shrieking…  And then, they have the audacity to give this film a “PG”
rating.  Whatever.  LOL !!!  If she would smile once in a blue moon, she would
not look so Hagrid.

Headmaster “Dumbledore” arguably doesn’t look much better.  He kicks off our
flick by flying Harry around the town like the “Ghost of Christmas Past”, telling
the fledgling wizard to hang on to his cloak.  Dumbledore’s hand appears to be
 horribly mangled, and we soon learn why…  He bopped Perez Hilton upside the 
noggin after the gossip queen outed him earlier this year !

Our elderly heroes still manage to totally rock though, and I love ’em for it !
They again join forces with Harry and the gang, and despite their advanced
age, everyone is still filled with adventure.  Watching these child stars grow
up has been a real treat !!!


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


Mickey by you.
Mickey Rooney as “Harry Potter”


Shirley by you.
Shirley Temple as “Hermione Granger”


Danny by you.
Danny Bonaduce as “Ron Weasley”


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


To those of you still untouched by Harry Potter (I was going to put a Michael
Jackson joke in there, but it’s probably too soon) Harry’s a young wizard who
goes to school at an enchanted place called “Hogwarts”.

This campus is a beautiful, whimsical castle where portraits come to life and
fairies dance in the garden !!!  At least that’s what the brochure says.  Truth
be told, I would NEVER let my kids go there…  It’s basically the portal to hell.
But with staff trained in the art of the “liability waiver”, no one really cares !

Samuel L. Jackson did.  Once.  However he was quieted with a “Shuthimupo”
potion.  Sam had burst into a parent/teacher conference screaming, “There
Are Mother F**king Snakes In This Mother F**king School !”  (The teachers
 then drugged him and tossed him on a plane next to a strange package).

With danger (and dead students) around every turn, it’s a small miracle that
Harry Potter hasn’t gone stark raving MAD !!!  If this were real life, the poor
kid would have some heavy issues.  Aside from dressing like Marilyn Manson
and becoming a fan of “Twilight”, he would most likely start smokin’ grass.

 Yep.  Grass !!!  The Devil’s Lettuce !  He’d get high to escape the horrors in 
his life.  We would be treated to flicks such as “Harry Pothead and the Bong
of Bewitchment”, or perhaps “Harry Pothead and the Half-Baked Prince”.  He
would inevitably land in prison.  Then we would have a TV series called “The
Wizard of Oz” !

Anyway, foul deeds are afoot as the dreaded “Voldemort” sends out his scary
minions to supplant Dumbledore and company (with an agenda most sinister).
After killing Harry’s parents years ago, moldy Voldy now wants him dead too !
What a creep…

Villains like to recruit bullies, so Voldemort finds a sucker in vile young “Draco
Malfoy”.  Draco is one of Potter’s schoolmates, and he’s always been jealous
of him.  But jealous of what ?  Potter hangs out with hideous trolls and some
old fellow in a dress (not to mention he’s got a HUGE red scar on his head) !
Maybe he is envious of his sporty wardrobe ?


harrypotter6pic4[1] by you.
Abra…  Abrac…  Abercrombie !!!


Gandalf Dumbledore and his protege have to embark on some sort of journey
that will involve finding a piece of cheap jewelry, in hopes of using it to stop
the dark forces plotting their demise.  After hittin’ all of the pawn shops and
several garage sales, the guys are about to give up empty-handed…

Luck does eventually shine down on our pals, when a parched Dumbledore
sucks all of the water out of an ornate birdbath.  He almost pukes, but the
tawdry bauble they have been hunting for is at the bottom !!!  Next time, I
would suggest “eBay” !

In addition to finding this treasure, Potter has to stay on his guard with an
odd educator who came out of retirement recently…  He wants to “Collect”
Harry.  (So that’s what they’re calling it now) !

To make matters worse, Harry is falling for Ron’s little sister “Ginny”.  And
Hermione is starting to fall in love with Ron !  (Ginny states that it’s about
  time, and I’m inclined to agree)…  They hit puberty back in 1942, so things 
are loooong overdue.  

 Rounding out our colorful cauldron of characters, we have “Luna Lovegood” 
(a rather quirky breath of fresh air) and the mysterious “Severus Snape” !
The cracked-out Stevie Nicks wannabe “Bellatrix Lestrange” also returns for
 good measure, played yet again with fiendish glee by Helena Bonham Carter.

Truly a joy to behold, J.K. Rowling’s imagination is brought to vivid life once
 more in glorious fashion…  “Harry Potter” done with an art house sensibility.
(Sometimes awash with vibrant hues, and at other times reflecting a silent
film with grainy sepia tones) !

Credit must be given not only to director David Yates, but to his brilliantly
evolved cast.  The only fault this movie has is that it’s nothing more than
a bridge (connecting books five and seven).  Aesthetically very appealing
but lacking clear resolutions…  However, there is hope hidden deep within
the shadows, promising to one day answer all of our questions.

I did love “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”, Hogwarts and all !!!


Would I Recommend This ?  Yes

Daniel’s Critical Rating:  “8.5” out of “10”