I Wonder If I Could Use This Thing In The “Batcave” ?
~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Getting Blasted Today: Terminator Salvation
If this is “Terminator’s” Salvation, I’d hate to see what we are saving it
from. An action packed film, yes… But nothing more. We’re taking our
fourth stroll down “Terminator” lane, with a new offering that is missing
a few key elements. No, I’m not talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger !
What “Terminator Salvation” happens to be lacking is a sensible plot…
And character development !!! Not to mention anything that resembles
continuity. Hmmm… I might be wrong there. It is continuously awful.
I found myself wondering why everyone in the post-apocalyptic future
always has to have a smudge of dirt on their face… I also let my mind
wander and thought about “Star Trek” a lot. Then I’d be distracted by
a loud BOOM and forced to look back up at the screen.
From the start, this movie is just weird… We kick things off by meeting
Marcus Wright (played by Sam Worthington). The year is 2003 and he’s
a prisoner on death row, sentenced to die by lethal injection. After his
execution (and a couple of poorly executed lines as well) we are thrust
into the future ! Not a fun, bright future mind you, but a future devoid
of decent acting and washcloths.
Marcus wakes up in this strange world, surprised to be alive. He is nude
and caked from head to toe in mud. He then goes streaking through the
rain, screaming. A word to the wise: If you are wearing nothin’ but mud
don’t run in the rain. Embarrassment is inevitable.
More Than Meets The… Aye Yi Yi !
He manages to find some clothes, but soon after he’s jumped by one of the
robots from “Transformers”. Marcus is almost killed but saved in the nick of
time by a teenage boy and some kid dressed like “Janet Jackson”. It’s over
a meal of leftover coyote that Marcus learns the fate of Earth.
Many years ago, a renegade spam program became self-aware and gained
control of the planet. This program sees humans as a threat and has built
robots to kill them all. The first sign of the takeover was when “Kris Allen”
won “American Idol”… “Paula Abdul” tried to warn the masses, but people
just laughed. Turns out Kris was an early version of a “Terminator” !!! No
one noticed the small malfunction that caused him to sing out of the side
of his face.
Marcus is horrified, and wants to join the human resistance. He must find
the legendary “John Connor” to do so. Many adventures follow as he plods
through one CGI effect after the other… He stumbles across a woman who
seems to have raided “Tina Turner’s” wardrobe closet from the set of “Mad
Max Beyond Thunderdome”, and she offers him some funny looking food !!!
(Even funnier looking than dead coyote).
They are all ambushed, and it is not long before Marcus meets John Connor
(played by Christian Bale) the hard way. After being knocked out, he finds
himself regaining consciousness in a precarious position. He has been tied
up !!! John is interrogating Marcus, and Marcus is worried. I would be too.
Can you imagine being tied up by the guy who played in “American Psycho”
AND “The Dark Knight” ? GULP !!! Christian Bale is #1 on the list of people
I would least want to be tied up by… Here are a few others:
Your Reviews Are Cockadoodie !
~ ~ ~
Top Ten List Of People I Would Least Want To Be Tied Up By
(#1) Christian Bale
(#2) Christopher Walken (#3) Boy George
(#4) Nancy Pelosi (#5) Steven Seagal (#6) Tonya Harding
(#7) Kathy Bates (#8) Flava Flav (#9) Betty White
~ ~ ~
Anyway, Marcus discovers that he is part “machine”… He was created by
the creepy Borg Collective (or whatever the heck they call themselves) to
bother the humans. Which is fair, because the humans are pretty lame !!!
The human resistance is comprised of people that run around with looks of
constipation consternation on their faces at any given moment. The worst
is this random pregnant woman who seems to have a connection to Connor.
She really tries to channel “Frodo” from “The Lord of the Rings” !!! There’s
always some dramatic look plastered on her mug, presented in slow motion.
These people are sooo BORING. “Common” is on board playing some dude
named … Oh, who cares. All he does is run around saying “You killed my
brother”. And Christian Bale just whispers and lisps ! I let it slide when
he was “Batman”, but now it is annoying… If Bale has “jumped the shark”
with this dud of a film, at least he can find work as a phone sex operator.
His voice IS better suited to ask “What are you wearing?” as opposed to
“Do you want to join the resistanttth?” Say it, don’t spray it buddy. I’m
thankful this movie wasn’t in 3-D. Everybody would have been thoaked !
Er… Soaked. Salvation ? More like “Saliva Nation”.
The Hoarse Man Of The Apocalypse
Warning: Thpoilers Ahead ! Marcus and John HATE each other right out
of the gate. Marcus is more man than mechanism however, so he wants to
defeat the Terminators… Together they must infiltrate the bad guys’ home
base, but nothing could prepare them (or me) for what those rotten robots
have to bring.
First off, there’s the bizarre computer-generated naked cameo of Arnold
Schwarzenegger. Sorry Terminator fans, it’s come to this. He pops out
(quite literally) of a room, runs around naked for about 60 seconds and
then catches on fire… WOW. Great homage to the classic films there !
Way to go… Director “McG” should be proud.
Hold on… it gets better. Our heroes have to face down a monstrous
villain. Who or what could it be ? A giant robot ? Perhaps a madman
with android innards ? The evil they must face down is… Wait for it…
Wait for it…
The Disembodied Floating Head of “Helena Bonham Carter” !!!
Or something like that. Ha Ha ! Yep. Her naughty noggin shows up
to be a total nuisance to the human resistance. I wanted to laugh !
Marcus discovers “The Head of Helena Bonham Carter” floating on a
gigantic computer screen of sorts. (Think “The Wizard of Oz” meets
“Max Headroom”)… She starts talking smack, so he finishes her off
with a piece of office furniture.
The film really goes downhill from there. I’m not going to tell you how
it all ends ! (No, shutting the talking head up isn’t the finale). There
will be a sequel, as the spam that calls itself “Skynet” seems to still
be plugged in while it plugs on. Joy ! I often felt like I was watching
a “Uwe Boll” production. Probably would have been better if it was.
This is more of a “Terminator” parody than anything !!! (If you look
real close in a fleeting scene, you can see one of the robots wearing
what appears to be a “pirate scarf” on its head)… Occasional giggles
aside, the movie does serve well as yet another effects-laden thriller.
Unfortunately, sans anything resembling substance.
Judgment: The future looks very bleak for “Terminator Salvation”.
Would I Recommend This ? No
Daniel’s Critical Rating: “5” out of “10”
Even the reviews didn’t make me want to see this movie…
About the list of people you don’t want to be tied up by… I have to ask… Betty White??? ‘splain it to me Lucy! lol lol
Don’t let her sweet and innocent demeanor fool you ! Betty White is a firecracker.
Ever since I gave “Lake Placid” a bad write-up, she has had it in for me. She even
sent me some death threats. (Well, not ALL death threats). Once she accidentally
mailed out a recipe for cherry cobbler…
Wow, thith movie juth thounds awful! lol I was always bored by grim future depicted in all the Terminator movies, now lump in a hack director, a dozen hollywood hack writers and the self-important blow hard named Christian Bale and you have a recipe for *YAWN*.
LOL !!! They should have called thith movie “The Yawninator” ! Despite his bad
behavior these days, I still dig Christian Bale. He hasn’t (yet) gone “Full Retard”
like Tom Cruise… A few of my favorite Christian Bale flicks: “Empire of the Sun”,
“The Prestige”, “3:10 to Yuma” and “The Dark Knight”.
Charo? Really? Fair enough.
Your review had me hysterical and I actually liked the film. I thought after the atrocity of T3 this adaptation had it’s issues but was a step in the right direction, though not even close to the brilliance of what James Cameron created.
CGI neked or no……….well sufferin suckatash…….I think we should all always applaud a naked Arnie.
You want to applaud a naked Arnie ? I’d say “the sound of one hand clapping” should suffice. LOL !!!
Wait, you call it a parody but then still give it 5 out of 10? What is the 5 for?
On a technical level, this movie manages to achieve something. (The effects are impressive if nothing else).
Well… Some of ’em are anyway. There were a few scenes that appeared to be taken straight out of Herbie
Hancock’s “Rockit” video !
This is one of your funniest reviews EVER! I especially liked the line about the ‘American Idol’ Kris Allen singing from the side of his face!! LMAO! I did not like Christian Bale in the Dark Night at all. I kept thinking he’s gonna advertise Men’s Wearhouse and say, “You’re Gonna Like What You Wear.” Anyway, I actually laughed so hard on this whole review, and I pictured you perfectly drifting off thinking of Star Trek, until the loud boom on the screen..LOL. This is one of my favorite reviews for sure.
🙂 “Men’s Wearhouse” indeed ! Thanks Gayle !!! I know another favorite review of
yours was “Quoting of Socrates” ! (Or whatever that James Bond flick was called).
“Quacking of Soupy Sales” ? Oh… I remember… “Quagmire of Salami” !!!
i haven’t been moved to see any of the terminator movies, and apparently I can defnitely live without the new one. Thanks for the warning!
The first three are a good time for your dime !
I’m surprised you even gave it 5 stars. I didn’t HATE it…but it was definitely a letdown and the ending was TERRIBLE! But the action scenes kind of helped with the pacing a bit. One note worth mentioning…this movie STOLE from soooo many other films that it was comical! The Matrix, Transformers, War of the Worlds, Mad Max, you name it…they were in here.Don’t know if it was a homage or just outright thievery! Oh well…ya can’t win em all…
My review will be going up soon!
Well well well… If it isn’t The Disembodied Floating Head of Alan. We meet again !
LOL ! I agree. The action was fantastic but this offers nothing original. I checked
out your hilarious review and it’s spot-on !!!
The best thing about these awful movies are your reviews! Too bad that Terminator: “Salivation” sucks, but at least we get another great Critical Corner review! I love your pictures and captions, awesome stuff! I didn’t want to see this movie anyway and now I’m glad I saved my money. One thing I will say about it after seeing the previews… I was surprised that they reveal that Marcus is actually a cyborg in the preview. In my opinion that should have been kept a secret until you see the movie. But now anyone who’s seen the preview already knows… Oh well, Great review, as always!
Thanks Chayne ! I heard that Sam Raimi was originally slated to direct
this flick… He was going to call it “Drag Me to Helena Bonham Carter” !
I have to admit I was so excited about this movie. Now I’m renting the third Grudge and the new Underworld. For only a dollar I can wait for this to come out on redbox! Hahaha, but for the love of the other movies, except the third, I will probably watch it. Oh, the sex phone operator part, I nearly died laughing! I had to imagine him saying all this risque stuff, but then it just got weird… Anyway, great review! Is it true? Another Terminator?!?
Yep. They’ll be back.
You are going to rent this one on Redbox ?
Say “Hasta la vista” to your dollar ! LOL !!!
I actually enjoyed the film. It obviously isn’t as good as the first two films but it was better than the third. The one problem I do have with it is the female characters. What you describe as “random pregnant woman who seems to have a connection to Connor”. She is called Kate and appears to be married to John so I would assume she is the same character as the Kate from the third film played by Claire Danes. The problem is that she has a small and insignificant role in the film and she is also too young. The best female role in the film is Blair played by the impossibly gorgeous Moon Bloodgood but this is still a small role. A franchise that was built on Linda Hamilton’s Sarah Connor needs better female roles.
“Terminator Salvation” needed better roles for men, women, machines and everything in-between.
your review was right on. i have seen wolverine, terminator and star trek. i have to say star trek by far was better then the first two i mentioned. you don’t have to be a fan of trek to see that movie.
Yeah … what IS up with Christian Bale’s voice? Does he have vocal nodules? A cyst? Or just an inflated ego that’s telling him you have to sound like a 70-year-old smoker with emphysema to be considered a serious actor?
M. Carter at the Movies
LOL ! Perhaps his inspiration was Marlon Brando’s “Vito Corleone”.