I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up !
~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s Autobotography: Transformers: Revenge
of the Fallen
The sizzilin’ summer of 2009 continues to plow full speed ahead with
“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” tearing up the theaters !!! It
is “Indiana Jones” meets “The Fast and the Furious” ! And (in some
places) it is rather along the lines of “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” meets
the “Paris Hilton Sex Tape” !
Shocking but true. Yes, here at “Critical Corner” that sort of thing
qualifies as quality entertainment ! For some odd reason, this new
“Transformers” installment features not one, but TWO dog humping
scenes ! Oh, Michael Bay. How you can delight and horrify at the
same time amazes me.
I haven’t seen anything quite like this since the DVD of “Underdog:
Unrated and Unleashed” came out !!! Even before that, there was
“Cujo: The Caligula Cut”. These pooches really need to get a room.
May I suggest “Hotel for Dogs” ?
A sequel to 2007’s hugely successful “Transformers”, “ROTF” brings
back all of our favorite robots ! Hmmm… Let me see… I dig these
movies but I can’t remember every single name. Heck, let’s give it
a try ! There’s Dynamo and Megabot. Um… We have Supertramp
and Doppelganger… Also Nickleback !!! Isn’t there a Lion-O !? My
favorite is Star Search. LOL !
Once again, these characters (more or less) join forces with Megan
Fox and Shila Boof (or whatever his name is) in yet another grand
adventure. This time around, our heroes have to battle an ancient
evil !!! It just so happens that the Decepticons (bad robots) have
been hiding out on Earth for centuries, waiting to wreak havoc on
the unsuspecting planet…
Sneaky buggers. No wonder they are called “Decepticons”. They
even beat up on some innocent cave-dudes… It almost made me
feel bad for bashing “10,000 B. C.” !!! Anyway… These malicious
machines are running amok, and there’s only one power that can
stop them… The Autobots !!! To the uninitiated, the “Autobots”
are good robots that transform into cars and other vehicles.
Phew… I’ve Got Some Bad Gas !
* Warning: If you are not enthralled yet, you probably should just
stop reading this… Go watch “The Queen” and sip on some tea !!!
(I will admit, Helen Mirren earned the hell out of that Oscar).
Leading the Autobots is one mean Mother Trucker they call “Optimus
Prime” (voiced by Peter Cullen) ! He is just a tad worried because his
arch-enemy “Megatron” has been pulled from his watery grave by the
deplorable Decepticons and resurrected. While doing so, they had to
remove an octopus from his face ! Wait… Maybe I’m thinking of that
“Paris Hilton” tape again.
Prime starts to sweat diesel when he discovers Megatron is in cahoots
with “The Fallen”, a metallic monster that wants to devour our sun !
Talk about heartburn. All of the “Pepto” in the universe couldn’t even
begin to touch that.
Meanwhile, back in the human’s world, Shila Boof plays Sam Witwickey
(no, that is not a “Harry Potter” character). He is way bummed to find
his brand new life at college interrupted by villains taking the shape of
assorted appliances and modes of transportation. Sam’s also feeling a
little blue due to the fact that his girlfriend Mikaela (foxy Fox) is miles
So what’s a guy to do ? Experiment of course ! He hooks up with a
random chick packing “more than meets the eye” !!! Yep. Sam acts
shocked when the truth comes out… “She” is actually an evil robot
with a long snakelike tongue (or something) that chases him around
the campus. Guess that’s what you call a “Transgender” !!! “Rocky
Horror” in disguise !!! Surprisingly, no one throws up.
Don’t Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was A Bot Like Me ?
Adding to this total insanity are Sam’s parents, crashing the scene “Old
School” style. His dad is just a big kid, and his mom accidentally ingests
some pot and starts hitting on young studs !
But before these hijinks can continue, our gang is whisked away to Egypt
(of all places) to fight a giant vacuum cleaner. Sam’s hand ends up being
bandaged… Yet they never really say why. We are just led to believe he
was injured while en route to the Great Pyramids. I don’t buy it. In truth,
he was probably bitten by Christian Bale !
Against a harsh desert landscape, the Decepticons prepare to unveil their
dastardly secret weapon. Fortunately, Sam is packing a “secret weapon”
of his own… A sockful of magic fairy dust !!! I’m not exactly sure why it
works, but it does. Maybe the Decepticons are allergic to it ?
Major butt-kicking ensues after Optimus shows up with the Autobots and
the US Military. There is one scene where it appears that Prime is dead…
Several military guys run frantically towards his now lifeless hull, all whilst
someone brandishing a gun is screaming “Cover Optimus!” (They proceed
to throw a blanket over him). Classic !!!
Plenty of blood and oil is spilled as gargantuan contraptions smack each
other down in front of the Sphinx. The Autobots eventually exhaust most
of their possibilities, but they plod forward fueled by a vision of justice !!!
When this film ended, I was just staring off into space, drooling. Perhaps
I went to “Robot Heaven”, a place Sam has the honor of visiting. Let me
honestly tell you, “ROTF” doesn’t make one lick of sense. They should’ve
called it “ROFL”. Nonetheless, it still manages to be ten tons of FUN.
To be fair, movies like “No Country For Old Men” do not make much sense
when all is said and done either… The Coen Brothers forgot to give that
little cinematic experiment an ending ! It was lauded as brilliant because
everything was left up for “interpretation”. “Transformers” also leaves a
few questions unanswered, but it somehow managed to get a gruesome
public drubbing… Go figure.
Despite the poor reception, audiences across the globe seem to be taken
by the film’s undeniable charm, myself included ! OK. The plot is nothing
worth writing home about. But who cares ? This flick boasts spellbinding
special effects, a memorable cast and an abundance of witty dialog… If
possible, try not to focus on the junk in the trunk !
Blemishes aside, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” never falls flat !!!
Would I Recommend This ? Yes
Daniel’s Critical Rating: “7” out of “10”