I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up !
~ Hello Everyone ~
Welcome To Daniel’s Critical Corner !
Today’s Autobotography: Transformers: Revenge
of the Fallen
The sizzilin’ summer of 2009 continues to plow full speed ahead with
“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” tearing up the theaters !!! It
is “Indiana Jones” meets “The Fast and the Furious” ! And (in some
places) it is rather along the lines of “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” meets
the “Paris Hilton Sex Tape” !
Shocking but true. Yes, here at “Critical Corner” that sort of thing
qualifies as quality entertainment ! For some odd reason, this new
“Transformers” installment features not one, but TWO dog humping
scenes ! Oh, Michael Bay. How you can delight and horrify at the
same time amazes me.
I haven’t seen anything quite like this since the DVD of “Underdog:
Unrated and Unleashed” came out !!! Even before that, there was
“Cujo: The Caligula Cut”. These pooches really need to get a room.
May I suggest “Hotel for Dogs” ?
A sequel to 2007’s hugely successful “Transformers”, “ROTF” brings
back all of our favorite robots ! Hmmm… Let me see… I dig these
movies but I can’t remember every single name. Heck, let’s give it
a try ! There’s Dynamo and Megabot. Um… We have Supertramp
and Doppelganger… Also Nickleback !!! Isn’t there a Lion-O !? My
favorite is Star Search. LOL !
Once again, these characters (more or less) join forces with Megan
Fox and Shila Boof (or whatever his name is) in yet another grand
adventure. This time around, our heroes have to battle an ancient
evil !!! It just so happens that the Decepticons (bad robots) have
been hiding out on Earth for centuries, waiting to wreak havoc on
the unsuspecting planet…
Sneaky buggers. No wonder they are called “Decepticons”. They
even beat up on some innocent cave-dudes… It almost made me
feel bad for bashing “10,000 B. C.” !!! Anyway… These malicious
machines are running amok, and there’s only one power that can
stop them… The Autobots !!! To the uninitiated, the “Autobots”
are good robots that transform into cars and other vehicles.
Phew… I’ve Got Some Bad Gas !
* Warning: If you are not enthralled yet, you probably should just
stop reading this… Go watch “The Queen” and sip on some tea !!!
(I will admit, Helen Mirren earned the hell out of that Oscar).
Leading the Autobots is one mean Mother Trucker they call “Optimus
Prime” (voiced by Peter Cullen) ! He is just a tad worried because his
arch-enemy “Megatron” has been pulled from his watery grave by the
deplorable Decepticons and resurrected. While doing so, they had to
remove an octopus from his face ! Wait… Maybe I’m thinking of that
“Paris Hilton” tape again.
Prime starts to sweat diesel when he discovers Megatron is in cahoots
with “The Fallen”, a metallic monster that wants to devour our sun !
Talk about heartburn. All of the “Pepto” in the universe couldn’t even
begin to touch that.
Meanwhile, back in the human’s world, Shila Boof plays Sam Witwickey
(no, that is not a “Harry Potter” character). He is way bummed to find
his brand new life at college interrupted by villains taking the shape of
assorted appliances and modes of transportation. Sam’s also feeling a
little blue due to the fact that his girlfriend Mikaela (foxy Fox) is miles
So what’s a guy to do ? Experiment of course ! He hooks up with a
random chick packing “more than meets the eye” !!! Yep. Sam acts
shocked when the truth comes out… “She” is actually an evil robot
with a long snakelike tongue (or something) that chases him around
the campus. Guess that’s what you call a “Transgender” !!! “Rocky
Horror” in disguise !!! Surprisingly, no one throws up.
Don’t Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was A Bot Like Me ?
Adding to this total insanity are Sam’s parents, crashing the scene “Old
School” style. His dad is just a big kid, and his mom accidentally ingests
some pot and starts hitting on young studs !
But before these hijinks can continue, our gang is whisked away to Egypt
(of all places) to fight a giant vacuum cleaner. Sam’s hand ends up being
bandaged… Yet they never really say why. We are just led to believe he
was injured while en route to the Great Pyramids. I don’t buy it. In truth,
he was probably bitten by Christian Bale !
Against a harsh desert landscape, the Decepticons prepare to unveil their
dastardly secret weapon. Fortunately, Sam is packing a “secret weapon”
of his own… A sockful of magic fairy dust !!! I’m not exactly sure why it
works, but it does. Maybe the Decepticons are allergic to it ?
Major butt-kicking ensues after Optimus shows up with the Autobots and
the US Military. There is one scene where it appears that Prime is dead…
Several military guys run frantically towards his now lifeless hull, all whilst
someone brandishing a gun is screaming “Cover Optimus!” (They proceed
to throw a blanket over him). Classic !!!
Plenty of blood and oil is spilled as gargantuan contraptions smack each
other down in front of the Sphinx. The Autobots eventually exhaust most
of their possibilities, but they plod forward fueled by a vision of justice !!!
When this film ended, I was just staring off into space, drooling. Perhaps
I went to “Robot Heaven”, a place Sam has the honor of visiting. Let me
honestly tell you, “ROTF” doesn’t make one lick of sense. They should’ve
called it “ROFL”. Nonetheless, it still manages to be ten tons of FUN.
To be fair, movies like “No Country For Old Men” do not make much sense
when all is said and done either… The Coen Brothers forgot to give that
little cinematic experiment an ending ! It was lauded as brilliant because
everything was left up for “interpretation”. “Transformers” also leaves a
few questions unanswered, but it somehow managed to get a gruesome
public drubbing… Go figure.
Despite the poor reception, audiences across the globe seem to be taken
by the film’s undeniable charm, myself included ! OK. The plot is nothing
worth writing home about. But who cares ? This flick boasts spellbinding
special effects, a memorable cast and an abundance of witty dialog… If
possible, try not to focus on the junk in the trunk !
Blemishes aside, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” never falls flat !!!
Would I Recommend This ? Yes
Daniel’s Critical Rating: “7” out of “10”
Caption under “Scary Alice’s” picture… Best. Caption. Ever. Too funny. I respect your take on TF2 but I just can’t find any affection for this “movie” (if you can call something this incomprehensible a “movie”). Maybe after the wildly fun and inventive “Star Trek” and “Up”, my expectations were just too high. TF:ROTF is a prime example of a pretty bad director absolutely unrestrained. I just can’t give TF2 a pass by saying, “well it’s just a popcorn movie, it’s supposed to be mindless fun”. Why can’t a movie be fun but also have a cohesive plot? It doesn’t have to ALL make sense, but a tiny, teeny little bit of story would have been great!
Sheesh !!! Nothing wrong with mindless fun once in a while… When riding a roller
coaster, do you bring a “Deepak Chopra” book along to give the experience more
Loved your review! I got a huge kick out of you calling Optimus a “mean mother trucker”! Great stuff! I’m glad you enjoyed TF:ROTF! I personally had a great time watching it. I loved seeing my favorite childhood robotic heroes brought to life in such a realistic fashion. The special effects were amazing! I loved Optimus Prime’s entrance when he dove out of that airplane. He started in vehicle mode, transformed into robot mode, unleashed parachutes sporting Autobot symbols, landed and then transformed back into his truck mode! That was wicked cool! I also appreciated that Megatron was brought back and given a larger, more significant role this time around. I loved the banter between him and Starscream. I always loved when those two would go at it in the 80’s cartoon. I also got a kick out of Soundwave and Ravage’s film depictions… Oh, and Jetfire was way cool, too! They even remembered his history by stating that he started out as a Decepticon before switching sides! I guess I was just happy to see more robots showing up than the first movie. I will definitely be getting this on Blu-Ray the instant it comes out, so you can come over and watch it with me since (based on his little rant above!) Anyway, great review! I can always count on you to see the fun in everything! 🙂
LOL ! Thanks Chayne ! I really got a kick out of “Bumblebee”. What kid wouldn’t like to start college with a car like that ?
A nice looking ride that turns into a giant robot… You can’t beat it ! All I got when I went to school was my parent’s old
1973 Pontiac Grand Ville. It looked like scrap metal and the only thing it ever transformed into was a stack of towing bills.
I also thought the motorcycle concept was pretty cool. “Arcee” creates a hologram of some hot babe in leather riding on
top ! (Smart move). It would have raised suspicions to see her zipping around town without anyone filling the seat !!! 😉
So I watched this movie yesterday… Had to admit, I loved it too! I thought the new guy was a bit of a baby. He didn’t sit well with me at all. I didn’t think the college robot girl was pretty either, but what do I know. OH! My favorite part, I laughed out loud by myself, was when the little guy says, “You hot, but you ain’t too smart.” That was great! I found my new favorite phrase by an appliance. My question is, why is Optimus Prime still young if he is one of the oldest transformers, but the other guy, the old transformer, had apparently aged quite badly and needed a walking stick? That didn’t make too much sense to me. Anyway, it was a great review, great movie, loved the 3rd picture caption too! Classic! Keep it up!
I’m glad you liked the movie (and my review) ! “Optimus Prime” maintains a youthful appearance thanks to “Pennzoil of Olay”.
I’m not into the Transformers so this isn’t one I will see (not that I can get to a theater anyway) Heck I still haven’t seen Star Trek! and Harry Potter comes out soon! (I hope you review that one)
To be honest, I didn’t know anything about “Transformers” until these movies came out. I never watched the cartoons.
So, give it a chance one of these days (you just might convert) !!! “Star Trek” is really worth the wait… And I will do a
“Harry Potter” review !
Trivia: Orson Welles’ last film project (before passing away at age 70) was providing his voice for 1986’s animated “The
Transformers: The Movie” !
I couldn’t agree with ya more. This is a summer movie all the way. No time to think, just keep throwing the robots at us. Only 2 things drag down this popcorn flick…too much gobbley-gook about the Fallen and why he has returned and those two AWFUL Jar Jar Binks wannabe’s that almost spoil the film. Other than that…it was a blast! Only summer movie better is Star Trek so far this season! Great review dude!
Robots RULE !!! Yes, there was lots of “gobbley-gook”… It seemed at
times like the film was being directed by a couple of kids while playing
with their “Transformers” action figures (making everything up as they
went along)… Other times, it seemed like the film was not even being
directed at all. But darn if it wasn’t a hoot !!! Thanks Alan ! 🙂
This isn’t a film it is a feature length General Motors advertisement. It is over long and has the most ridiculously thin plot. It looks like they sat around thinking of all the fun things they could do for the big robot set pieces and then constructed a story to link them together, poorly. The biggest problem is that there is no sense of any of the main characters (human or robot) ever being in any danger of getting hurt. Even when they appear dead you know they will be okay. Anyone who had any doubts about this was well and truly corrected when they resurrected Megatron. If they can resurrect him the good guys where always going to be safe.
I have nothing against blockbusters. I enjoyed the first Transformers and of this seasons crop Star Trek was really good. Terminator wasn’t as bad as you say but this film was just dire.
LOL @ General Motors !!! Neither “Terminator” nor “Transformers” can be accused of being High Art…
“Star Trek” is leading the pack (quality wise) but there wasn’t any sense of the main characters being
in danger there either. Somehow, I knew Kirk and Spock would make it to the sequel.
ohhh interesting trivia on orson welles! i will look forward to the harry potter review.. as much as i loved all the books and loved the movies up until now, I do have to say that their putting this one off so long has dampened my want of the movie somewhat. (not entirely because I do like the actors and actresses enough to want to see it)..
On the other side of the coin, waiting so long has some fans worked up into
a frenzy. My favorite “Harry Potter” flick (to date) is “Prisoner of Azkaban” !
Glad you liked my trivia… All’s Welles that ends Welles. 🙂
Very good review..Transgender? LMAO!!You do have a natural ability to describe movies very well.
I listened to my best friend’s advice, 🙂 and took the movie with a grain of salt. I couldn’t do it. Sorry..I think my expectations are still through the roof due to an incredible flick like Star Trek. I thought this movie had poor jokes, and I wanted to knock off the parents after a while. Enough is enough with the annoying parent scenes. That was Michael Bay’s way of ‘filling’ this super long movie. The movie was way too long. The new characters are not memorable, and there were so many robots at the end, I got confused. I did like the special effects once in Egypt..but what I really want to know is..what brand lipstick does Megan Fox have on??? I want some of that!!!!! I mean after all the smoke and blowing up and transporting to another country, MY GOSH, her lipstick stayed on perfect!!!
I thought the jokes were pretty funny… I was not expecting the humor, or the “Road Trip” kind of
vibe. Whenever a movie surprises me like that, I am (usually) pleased. A film about gigantic robots
should never take itself too seriously. Indeed, Megan Fox could have said something profound, and
all of the Transformers could have wore “Hello My Name Is” stickers… But then it would have been
without that certain charm ! “Star Trek” and “Up” are the best films out so far this year, no doubt
in my mind. Yet both films have some heavy-handed scenes. I like going to the movies without my
box of tissues once in a while !!!
The lipstick Megan Fox wears is by “CoverGirl International” (also known as “CGI”). 😉
As usual fantastic review. Hilarious while still making the necessary points to convey the movies successes and failures. I enjoyed it too. I was let down in places I didn’t expect to be and found entertainment in places I wouldn’t have imagined. I thought it was a lot of fun and definitely worth seeing in the theatre for the scene in woods alone. Bay might not win at everything but few can compete with his FX. Those Bots were BAD ASS.
Thank you Heather ! 🙂 Almost everyone I have talked to regarding this film LOVES the awesome
fight scene in the woods… I’d be more than happy to catch “Transformers” on the big screen one
more time just for that !!!